johan Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 11 weeks since the split. Dead silence from her end. Nothing from me. Since last weekend, for some reason, I've been really down. Anxious. Kind of depressed. My confidence and self-assurance have dropped. Suddenly I feel desperate and in a hurry. Nothing happened (nothing I'm aware of) that would cause a change like this. Until last weekend I felt great. I felt real and strong and things were happening. I was getting confidence from the interest (or perceived interest) of some women. Maybe that's why I was ok. Or was it my conviction that I did the right thing by dumping the ex? Or was it my self-image as a good guy, attractive and interesting enough, with a good job and a good life? All those things, I'm sure. None of that has changed too much. Actually my relations with those girls changed. I started dating one. By "dating" I mean that we went out a few times, and after we went out we'd go back to my place or hers and we couldn't keep our hands off each other and we'd spend the night. But between dates, I couldn't deal with the "relationship". Some might say I'm "just not that into her." And she's dutifully given me space, but she also wants more. I know what the right thing to do is. It would be to cut it off and back up. A girl who is getting wrung out by a guy she really likes and is "just not that into" her is so sweet. She does so much, she tries so hard, she says the nicest things. Just hanging onto hope and trying not to reveal her feelings too much. Another of the girls and I expressed mutual attraction, but nothing ever happened. And somehow things cooled off at the same time I got bummed out last week. I just didn't have the heart for whatever it is we were doing. I don't even know what it was. I think just some kind of ego-stroking for the two of us. Overall, I have no possibilities with any of them. I don't even want anything. Now I'm feeling humorless and the shine has worn off. I'm sick of being "Mr. Cool". It wasn't an act, I just was in some state of mind where I didn't care. Maybe I just need to stop caring again, but now I'm actually on the verge of hurting someone. I think that has also hurt my self-image. I came off as Mr. Have-it-all-together, but I'm acting like Mr. a**h***. I wanted to date several girls, just get to know them. It always turns into more for me or for her. It's always real emotion that gets involved and "seeing other people" is such a scummy thing to have to say. I just want to build something slowly that is real with just one great girl who feels the same for me. And I don't want anyone else around complicating it. I don't know how to date around. What is my problem? Self-pity? Over-thinking?
933KJL Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 What is my problem? Self-pity? Over-thinking? It is the holidays man...it is the holidays!
chocolate_boy Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 After 11 weeks if you didn't properly take time to deal with the break-up, it's just your mind releasing it, you might only start to properly feel it now, the numbness can last a while. Don't be at all surprised if you start to miss your ex more.. (I've been there!)
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 i was going to say that, it is the holidays that could be making you feel this way, and that you didnt give your self enough time to deal with your break up... there for you dont need to date any one but make new friends would be nice:)
JS17 Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 My first instinct was to jump on you for being an arsehole to this new girl but you clearly realize that you're not doing the right thing and you're going to hurt this girl. At least you realize it and want to fix it so I commend you for that. I do think that is weighing on you, rebounds usually do that. IMO, I think it has a lot to do with all of the women that you were interested in until last week (your list of, what, 6-8 women). You had these women filling a void and keeping you distracted from really dealing with the end of your relationship. Now that you realize that you're not quite interested in any of them there's nothing to fill that void. On top of that you're dealing with hurting someone else. That's what makes rebounds tough, you are already dealing with a lot and a new relationship when you're not recovered only complicates things. So I think you're really starting to deal with the impact of your breakup.
sadfish Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 I agree with everyone, it's probably just really hitting you right now. I know that i normally dread the holidays anyway seeing i've *always* been single for them, but this one seems like it's going to be 10 times harder for some reason. I don't know why we all feel like it's so important to have a significant other this time of year, we have our families and friends after all, but i don't know, if you're like me, all of your friends and well, family are coupled up too. It's like magnifying it a thousand times or something I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Johan, but please know that you're not alone... A girl who is getting wrung out by a guy she really likes and is "just not that into" her is so sweet. She does so much, she tries so hard, she says the nicest things. Just hanging onto hope and trying not to reveal her feelings too much. This made me smile and sigh in a strange way. At least you realise this about women, most women when they get involved with someone--sometimes it feels like a lot of men don't. So thank you for that
brittanyjean259 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 the holidays are kinda depressing, 1) for those who had ltr...have usually spent those times with there partner( i did).....the cold air brings that more" cuddly feeling" in people.. im lucky because my friends are having semi the problem i am having, and we all know what its like.. but still be thankful on the holidays
Outcast Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 I think you really should have just spent time alone for a while to process the end of the relationship. Bouncing back into a relationship of sorts was, as you now realize, not the best of plans. You will probably have it rough for a while but don't try to ignore or deny your unhappy feelings by occupying yourself with other women or you'll never get past all this.
Nikita20 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Don't beat yourself up. You aren't in a committed relationship with anyone and you are entitled to date whomever you choose. As far as your confusion about your last date is concerned, you answered it: "You are just not into her". She isn't the one. Just be honest with her and move on. Continue dating at your own pace that you feel comfortable with. And, if you feel like you need to take a break from the dating scene, by all means take a break. I know you will find someone that you are compatible with eventually. I can't tell you when, however, it usually happens when you least expect it. Just be sure that your heart is completely healed before you put yourself out there again. I think once you are healed, you will be more receptive in finding a suitable mate.
Author johan Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 Don't beat yourself up. You aren't in a committed relationship with anyone and you are entitled to date whomever you choose. As far as your confusion about your last date is concerned, you answered it: "You are just not into her". She isn't the one. Just be honest with her and move on. Continue dating at your own pace that you feel comfortable with. And, if you feel like you need to take a break from the dating scene, by all means take a break. I know you will find someone that you are compatible with eventually. I can't tell you when, however, it usually happens when you least expect it. Just be sure that your heart is completely healed before you put yourself out there again. I think once you are healed, you will be more receptive in finding a suitable mate. Thanks everyone for the advice. Forgive me for being extra-emotional now. But I'm recovering from too many of a certain type of drink, from being out seeing so many cute women and thinking they would all be poor substitutes, from not even caring, but now I'm home thinking how much I risk for her in the end. God, I miss her. My "super-bunny", the coolest girl who ever existed. You don't know, any of you, how worth it she really was. But some of you know what a waste it was to invest so much in her, because of how much she had invested in keeping us from ever being truly together. She's an angel, and I don't know anymore what the right level of caring makes sense. Should I love her? Should I give her what she actually deserves, even though she could never appreciate it? Should I walk away from her and her precious daughter because I couldn't get the things I wanted?? The things that I thought I should have?? Because I was somehow destined to have the nuclear family. Because someone thinks I'm so great that I should have a "normal" girl. They're all ****ed up, trust me. I can see it in everything they do. She's not special that way. She's just like you, only she's one step closer to to purity. You can see it when you look at her. Nothing fake, all real. Her flaws were all there right on the surface to be seen by anyone. She's real, because she believes in herself so much. There wasn't anything she was embarrassed about. All this love I've felt for her all these weeks that I couldn't even express to her because she's such a moron. Where does that go? Does someone have a special place where I can put it so I can have it hauled away? Does anyone know how much I worry about her? For all I know she's hurt and scared somewhere wondering who she can call for help, and I'm at the bottom of the list of nobodies. After all that time, that's what I signed up for. Nothing. ****. Ok. Hope the headache won't be too bad tomorrow. Thanks again for all your wise responses. You were right. I'm just going through another part of it. To be honest, it feels like it will always be this way. She'll always be the one I really cared about, but I'll be with someone else who can actually care about me. I'll never stop wondering about her.
Outcast Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 To be honest, it feels like it will always be this way. She'll always be the one I really cared about Everybody feels that way when the loss is new. This, too, shall pass.
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