Accusations of abuse--has this ever happened to any of you?

[Iluvsiamese]

This whole situation is so weird, I hardly know where to begin. This is the same child who does the fire-bug routine. He and I had a contest of wills regarding school last week. He didn't want to go as he wasn't feeling well. (Which is a whole 'nother story in itself. He often fakes it as he doesn't like school, though once he is there, he seems to enjoy himself.) He had spent the weekend with his father and apparently did not feel well while there but no one saw fit to tell me that detail. So when he called the school and pretended to be me (good one!) they phoned me at work to let me know. He claimed that he forgot to tell me, lol. Anyway, his sister (14) was home at the time as she really was sick and so I phoned home to try to get him to school. Multiple phone calls etc. later, his father finally confirmed that he had been sick on the weekend. Beats all.

 

So to get back to the abuse issue, at one point during the phone calls, I suggested that I could call the police to take him to school. His response was that if I did, he would tell them that my partner and I abuse him. The schools regularly give lectures on the issue of child abuse and unfortunately, it is doing little for the real cases but is handing the rest of the little jokers a weapon against their parents. Here in Canada, we are barely allowed to touch our kids--it could be construed as abuse, even a hug can be labelled "sexual abuse" and God forbid that you give them a smack on the arse for even a serious infraction. I believe that such should be a last resort and never done in anger, but sometimes, I feel that it might get the message across effectively when other methods aren't working. I know that some people firmly believe that it should never happen under any circumstances but I feel that this is debatable. Being a law-abiding citizen, I use grounding and revoking priviledges for disciplining my kids. Between this and making them do chores and nasty things like homework, they consider themselves horribly ill-used.

 

Well, God love the child, he gave the school psychologist (who has been counselling him for anger management) some indication that he felt he was being abused and she immediately called in social services. They met with my son (the child in question) after (he claims) isolating him in a dark room and then forcing him to say that I was hitting him and hurting him. They then met with my daughter, who informed them that it was a load of bunk. The social worker left a business card in my mail box requesting that I call her asap, which I have done but of course, she had left her office for the weekend.

 

At this point, I can't help but feel that there is a witch hunt happening here and that I am the designated witch.

 

Has anyone ever been through this sort of thing and how did you handle it and what was the outcome? I am already in the process of arranging for help for this kid through the medical community since there is obviously a problem here but there is a very long wait for services and I have no medical coverage, nor do I have the funds for private help.

[Outcast]

You need to be on good terms with that school psychologist. Did you speak to him/her about your child's 'firebug' issues? Is the boy in treatment for that now? You and the psychologist should be working together to help the boy - and when the psychologist knows you, he'll know your concerns and problems with the boy, including a possible propensity to be untruthful.

 

You must get involved with his care. Call the psychologist and ask for a meeting ASAP.

[Craig]

And get your trusty recording device out too. Whether it's a camcorder, tape recorder or dig. recorder. Hide it and record your conversations with him, keep a diary of notes regarding what happened and your feelings of fear regarding being labeled an abuser. Then when you have a few recordings under your belt of the boy threatening to turn you in for abuse that never happened call his bluff and call the police. Last I heard it is illegal in Canada to threaten to make a false statement with the intention of having someone charged with a crime or be falsely accused.

 

He needs to know that he can't win in lying, that there are consequences and not everyone will put up with his bullsh it.

[Iluvsiamese]

Yes, I have spoken with the school psychologist. We had a fairly extended conversation regarding my son. I described what he has been like from infant onwards--all the quirks and all the problems, when they began and what was done. The family history in a capsule, any insights that I could give on his behaviour. Together, we started the process of getting him additional help through the medical community. I also told her about his calling the school and pretending to be me and the problems with the matches that have resurfaced. So I was completely shocked when this was dropped on me on Friday afternoon.

 

I have always been pretty up front with my kids, within reason, of course. Some things they simply don't need to know. But I have always emphasized honesty and how lying backfires on you and gets you into worse trouble in the end. The older of the two will fess up even when she knows that what she did was wrong and she will likely be grounded for it. The younger will deny everything. I can understand a knee-jerk reaction to get yourself out of trouble, but there are times that this kid lies for no apparent reason. Shades of his father. It was not unusual for facts or time-lines to be altered for no other reason than to make a better story. When the past did not suit his purposes, he simply changed it and I'm pretty sure that he believed that the changes he made were true. But is this where this is coming from? I could blame alot of these shenannigans on his father--there was certainly plenty of fodder provided for it--but the truth is I would only be guessing and the root of the problem may not have anything to do with the guesses.

 

For example, he told his teacher that he hates going to archery, which surprised her as he had brought his bow and other equipment in to show the class and seemed very proud of it. So I asked him about it and he said it was because I gave him a hard time and yelled at him when he was there. Excuse me? I am at the opposite end of the line, shooting my own bow for 90% of the evening and if I take a break, I sit on the benches and chat with the other parents. So I mentioned the fact that last year, he told me he didn't like hockey as the coach yelled at him all the time and how we talked about him trying soccer instead. He informed me that he had never said that and that his coaches never yell at him. It's downright bizarre.

[Outcast]

As long as his sister can testify that he's lying, you should be fine. Has he yet been diagnosed with any personality disorders? I know there's at least one that's associated with poor short-term memory.

[Craig]

As long as his sister can testify that he's lying, you should be fine. Has he yet been diagnosed with any personality disorders? I know there's at least one that's associated with poor short-term memory.

As much as I agree with nearly anything you say I do not agree with taking the approach that "his sister can testify that he's lying." That implies that the OP has been arrested, finger printed, photographed, charged and that the D.A. is going forward with a prosecution. All of which will cause incredible stress, turmoil and expense. It is far better to be boldly proactive in the face of threats of false accusations.

 

The discomfort experienced in being proactive will seem like a vacation at a 6 star resort compared to the stress caused by being falsely accused of a criminal offense and then prosecuted.

[Outcast]

They met with my son (the child in question) after (he claims) isolating him in a dark room and then forcing him to say that I was hitting him and hurting him. They then met with my daughter, who informed them that it was a load of bunk.

 

That's what I meant by 'testify', Craig. She already has done so. Not sure what other term I could have used.

[Iluvsiamese]

No, there has been no diagnosis yet. The price we pay here for medical coverage is enormous waiting times. It is doubtful that we will even see a professional through the medical system for at least a year. This is why I am seriously considering private couselling, even though I have no idea how I will pay for it at this point.

 

An interesting point is that things seem to go along smoothly for extended periods and then suddenly we will encounter this sort of behavioural problem. I'm referring to things over and above the regular garden variety issues such as cleaning his room etc. It also seems to come to a head right about this time of year. We went through something like this last year which involved him going around telling everyone that he was going to live with his father after Christmas and refusing to participate in activities or do his chores as he wasn't going to be living with me much longer. I am not 100% certain if this originated with his father or not, but I consider it likely. I confronted him and he claimed that he had never told my son this at all, but said that "someday" he could live with him. My take on this is that you never, ever make statement of the sort unless you have a plan in place (and I told him so.) My ex doesn't. He has no place of his own and mostly lives with his girlfriend and goes to his sister's place when her parents come to visit as they don't want anything to do with him. Interesting situation, lol. So I demanded that my ex tell my son the truth which he did. My sister also had a long talk with my son about this issue and the reality of his father's situation, the difference between what we want and what we can have, etc.

 

So where the problems are coming from this time around, I have yet to find out. There doesn't seem to be any really obvious answers and asking questions isn't shedding any light on things.

 

Part of me is not really worried--I have plenty of people who would stand up on my behalf. And I have done nothing wrong. However, you hear all kinds of stories about how things get carried away. In fact, I know someone that it happened to--he spent months in jail, lost his job, had his house vandalized, etc. before he was fnally cleared of charges of sexual assault for touching a kid's knee! Pity that so much time, energy and money are spend on such ridiculous things while children who really are being abused get missed entirely. My biggest concern is for my son and where this will lead unless he gets help.

[Outcast]

So there's no event you can think of that might tie to this time of year? Not your divorce or the loss of a pet or someone's death? Maybe just the fact that his dad's not there and won't be for Christmas?

[Iluvsiamese]

nothing that I can say for certain. It is possible that it is linked to the divorce. The separation occurred early in the fall and things were tense for awhile. My ex and I did put aside our feelings to make Christmas good for the kids that year. Last year, they thoroughly enjoyed themselves with my partner and I and then went with their dad for a few days of Christmas vac. I gave them the option this year of spending Christmas eve and/or Christmas day with their father or at home. They both chose to stay home and go with their dad later in the holiday. I have wondered if there are some residual feelings of guilt or disappointment or combination thereof as they are both aware of how it ought to be (as is their father--lots of good intentions with no follow through) but the reality is that they are largely on their own when with their father and he spends his time watching tv and ignores them. They hear the empty promises and buy the pretty picture, but end up bored and asking to come home. They seldom spend more than 24 hours with him.

 

As for the rest, they have yet to lose a pet or anyone that they have been close to. They did not know my parents as my dad was deceased by the time my daughter was 3 months old and my mom's Alzheimer's was far enough advanced that they never really knew her. My ex's father lived on the west coast and they only saw him once or twice and his mother is still well.

 

My guess is that there is perhaps an underlying mental condition that becomes worse when stress is introduced. The fact that they seldom know their father's plans is an on-going issue. And when it comes down to it, I have no idea what is being said to them when they are with their dad. I know that there have been times when some of his family have bad-mouthed me. I had to threaten to refuse to allow him to take them to visit the people in question to put a stop to it. They drop bombs once in a while--like a wonderful trip to Florida in April that looks very much in jeopardy at this point. This is typical of my ex. I purposely don't say anything until I have plans in place and it is pretty much assured but he has always been pie in the sky. Unfortunately, he very often fails to make any concrete plans and so nothing materializes. He's been telling them about this fantastic $10,000 trip for months. The problem is, I can't make him stop. It's been discussed many, many times and he always agrees, but continues to do the same old thing. Ditto with the visitation--I have begged for some sort of plan, even made them for him, but he won't stick to anything. He claims that it's too inconvenient. My partner and I are considering going through the courts to try to have the schedule set, for the sake of everyone's sanity.

 

Thanks for the question--it's something to think about.

[Iluvsiamese]

Well, I had my meeting with the social worker on Tuesday and nothing could have prepared me for that encounter. I was under the impression that the entire thing revolved around the accusation of a swat on the backside. However, in telling his yarn, my darling son made a crucial mistake. He told a tale so wild that it was close to unbelievable. And yes, the fact that his sister said that nothing remotely like it ever happened made all the difference. My son told the social worker that my partner and I begin drinking the moment we get home from work and continue until we sit down to supper, at which point we are so drunk that we spill our food over ourselves. Over the course of dinner, we have 3-4 glasses of wine each and keep drinking after supper is over until we get into a fight and then that is when we supposedly slap him around--and each other. The social worker said that he looked her straight in the eye and did not hesitate with this story. Apparently he also told her that his father was much too strict with him and that he didn't like his father's girlfriend and a few other choice bits on them.

 

Now, we might have a glass of wine with our meals, at most, two nights out of seven. We never get drunk, never get into fights, and certainly never slap anyone around. I told the social worker that if I did actually do that, I would never be able to make it to work the next day! We discussed possible courses of action as it is pretty obvious that this kid needs help. I also told her the story about how she locked him in a dark room etc. and said that I hadn't bought it as I knew that that would never happen. She was amazed and said that the room in question was the principal's office and had large windows and was well lit.

 

In a flash of insight, I came up with a possible reason for this episode. This boy has always been what I can only term as "intense." Whoever he was attached to, he was very attached. He has always been extremely self-conscious even when just a toddler. I think what he is feeling right now is jealousy, mixed with some other emotions. Up until the divorce, it was always myself and the two kids. Their father simply was never very interested in being around and when he bothered, there was some duality wrt how everyone felt about it. Yes, we wanted his company, but at the same time, he felt like an intruder. Very often, he tended to impose his ideas and desires on things, ignoring everyone else's wishes and creating problems. He went at things like a bull in a china shop and the results were about the same. For example, he would walk in while the kids and I were watching tv and change the channel to what he wanted to watch mid-program. When we protested, his response was "Too bad, this is what I want to watch."

 

So now the problem is (I think, but would welcome comments) that I have my partner, his father has his girlfriend/partner and her two children, his sister has a best friend, and he feels left out. I think that he may be more specifically jealous of my partner. He is very hurt that his sister spends most of her time with her friend and doesn't participate in family games or outings very often. I have spoken to her about this and she has agreed to spend more time with us as a family.

 

In the meantime, I have called a highly recommended counsellor to see if we can get him some help. I mentioned the name to the social worker and she claims he is next thing to magic.

 

I am beginning to feel like I am in a steeplechase--just one hurdle after another.

[lindya]

In the meantime, I have called a highly recommended counsellor to see if we can get him some help. I mentioned the name to the social worker and she claims he is next thing to magic.

 

I am beginning to feel like I am in a steeplechase--just one hurdle after another.

 

Sorry to hear this. I can imagine how difficult it must be having social work intervention in your private life, but it sounds as if the social worker is being quite supportive.

 

I think the profession has moved on since the bad old days in the 1980s and early 1990s when social workers made major decisions on flip, unprovable assumptions like "no child of that age could possibly make up such a thing".

 

Clearly it'll take the counsellor time to build up a rapport with your son, so I guess you can't expect miraculous changes overnight. I hope you get the professional support you need to get through this - and to work in tandem with the support agencies so that things get better.

[tinktronik]

I'm glad to hear that things are going smoothly with social services and your family. Many times this is the case. Many times this is also not the case. I've had friends who have been in similar situations , and things panned out ok,not that it was a comfortable situation for them. I also have a friend , who it did not pan out so well for , she was one of the most exemplary parents I have ever met.I would say that things went very oddly with social services for her , and to date she has not seen her son for 4 years. I would say that social services is basically a good organization out to help , but no person is perfect and things can get out of hand. If they are going away you are probably very lucky. You are probably very correct in taking your son to a therapist, and that he feels left out since your divorce.But mother knows best. Good Luck.