I've F*cked up!!! Please HELP! I want to save my marriage!

[tristram'swife]

Where do I begin? Guess with Im an idiot. I got to caught up in my emotions and did the worst thing you could possible do to someone. I cheated on my husband.

 

I didn't plan for this to happen, I would say it 'just happened'. I will not go into detail at this time, I am just looking for help on how to win his trust and love back. I never meant to hurt him, I love him more than life itself but I let the 'real world' get the best of me and did the unthinkable.

 

Hubby knows and is a mess (some of you may have read his story on the 'What Now' thread.). I want to make him feel comfortable at home and around me. HELP! Is there anyone out there that is in my shoes? I am ashamed at myself for what I have done. There has been plenty of times I have wanted to become 'selfish' and commit suicide, but I have two little girls and a husband that need me right now. All that would do is bring more pain to my family and will in return prob make my hubby kill himself too. The girls don't need that for sure!

 

I am not seeing nor talking to the OM. But the bad thing is, after the shamefulness happened, I continued to talk to this guy and I even talked real dirty on IMs to him. (like real dirty to the point of it being seemed as a reality!!) I am ashame of myself. I am TOTALLY against cheating. I do believe in second chances, so if the table was turned and he did this to me, I would not throw him to the curb, I would try to work it out the best I could, but if he ever did it again I would be done and I except the same thing to happen to me if I ever got myself into that mess again. I would deserve it and he would deserve someone better that would treat him right. I would just be a loser and need to be with other losers. But rest asure.....I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!!

 

This OM is our neighbor. My poor hubby has had to look at him since D-Day and I feel terrible for that. We are moving into a new house next week so hopefully that will take some of the pressure off. I don't know tho, b/c he still has to look at me! I am ugly and dirty for what I have done! There is not a thing I can do about it and it is driving my insane. If I could turn back time believe me I would and non of this sh*t would have ever of happened.

 

Right now I feel ashame and like a pile of cow sh*t that justs keeps getting smashed deep into the ground by the cows. I hate to see my hubby in this much pain and the fact that I AM TO BLAME! I know I am condemned to hell for all eternity but that will never take the place of his pain right now! I want so much to take that from him and carry it around myself. If I could, I would take all his pain and turn it into my own and be the one in so much pain and he be happy and not have a care in the world.

 

He don't believe that I only had sex with the OM once. He thinks there is more to it. How do I get him to believe me? What more can I do? I don't really remember much of that night b/c I was drunk out of my mind. Hubby says he asked me several times to come back into the house. I don't remember but he says I told him to leave me alone and I will do what I want to do. In a way I kinda wish he would have dragged me kicking and screaming back into the house. But he says I am a grown women and can make my own dessisions....which I really cant b/c I make bad ones. But it is not hubby's fault it is all MY FAULT! I have sinned and now I have to pay the price for it, here and when I pass. My Aunt would always say that God gives you gems for your crown with every good deed you do. Well that night, God took every single one away and I have to start all over again.

 

Just please someone out there that is in my shoes, help me get him to love me again! I am nervous everyday wondering if I am going to come home to him or an empty house. He says he will not leave me and wants to work it out but how can I believe that just like he cant believe that I will not do this sinful act again. Please help me make my hubby happy again! Help me take this pain that I have giving to him. It kills me to see him this way!

[Art_Critic]

Marriage counseling is your only hope .. that and a forgiving husband

[tristram'swife]

We are going to marriage counseling. We have been once so far. We plan to go again once we get moved. I think it helped alittle that night but I don't know. I never know anymore. I hate myself and there is not a thing I can do!

 

 

For those that want to read my story, visit here....

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=614803#post614803

[Art_Critic]

You need to go more than once..

 

Once or twice a month till you guys get all the air clear.

 

Don't limit how often or how much you need to go.. You keep going till the issues are ironed out ..

[tristram'swife]

Yes I understand that. We have both agreed to wait till after the move. Then we will start going more. I don't know if he wants to continue to go to this same one or find a different one. He didn't seem that comfortable with her but I don't know. I am willing to go as many times at is takes. We have also suggested talking individually. He has some past issues that came out in our visit.

 

I am reading His Needs Her Needs and getting an eye opener with that! I never really knew how much work it is to make a marriage. I told my hubby that the preacher should hand these out at every wedding that is preformed. Kinda like an instruction manual.

[whichwayisup]

Please, STOP beating up on yourself and realize you're not a bad person - You made a bad mistake and it had consquences and a big fallout - Your husband and his trust in you.

 

Also, please find a therapist for yourself, as well. Going to marriage counselling is great but right now you also need to fix yourself, just like your husband needs time to work through his.

 

I know I suggested you reading DazednConfused's thread, and also Thumbingmyway, please read Owl's as well. All three of these men share their feelings and I believe their stories will help both you and your H.

[tristram'swife]

I read something the other night that one of you on here gave to him. It is called "My Story2".

 

I read that and got an idea of how he is feeling and some of the things I have to do in order to try and make things right. Basically just let him have his space and get through this to the best of his ability. I want to help him but at times he wants to be left alone and it hurts me that he don't want me to be with him. I need to protect him from his own thoughts I guess but I cant.

 

I cant help beat myself up over this. I DID THE UNIMAGINABLE THING I COULD POSSIBLE DO!!! That is not me! I don't know myself anymore. I hate myself and I know I need help too. This whole figgin world don't care about anyone but themselves and I have fallen into that web. I have never been able to do anything right for no one. I am a failure of a person. I don't even think that my own kids like me. That is sad but I don't!

 

I don't want you all to feel sorry for me......feel sorry for my hubby to have ended up with this piece of trash as a wife.

 

It is hard for me to express my feeling in voice. I have an easier time writing it down. I am sorry if you all don't like what I have to say about myself, but it is all true.....I was born to make everyone else's life a living hell! I make myself sick!

[newbby]

forgive yourself!

you are trying to get everybody elses forgiveness including your husband and now people on ls, but none of it will make any difference until you forgive yourself and until you love yourself.

[tristram'swife]

I am not looking for any of you to forgive me, all I asked for was advice on what to do to make things right. Yes I agree that I need to forgive myself for my sin but it is hard to to do that when I am more worried about my hubby. I love him more than life itself and I care more about how he feels than myself. I DON'T MATTER in this case.....he does!! I don't see me forgiving myself till I know he is going to be OK. I have always thought of others beside myself. That is why I got myself into this mess. The OM's wife don't show him any attention (I am not feeling sorry for him I am just stating!), we would talk about how he feels at home and I would try to give him advice. I see now he should have been talking to my hubby about those things instead of me, b/c I care too much and get caught up in the emotion and loose all sense of reality before it is too late. I am too caring I guess....to caring of others and not myself. I don't give a sh*t about me...I care a whole hell of alot about my family and their needs. I cant help it!!!

 

I am not wanting to have any forgiveness from any of you. I don't want to start an argument either. I am just trying to speak my mind and be open.

 

No body knows how I feel so how can you tell me to stop beating myself up. Yeah hubby hurts but I DO TOO! I cant get it out of my mind. The D-day sticks out like a sore thumb and I cant stop it. I am going to say this and I know hubby will read it, but I take sleeping pills at night just so I can sleep. I have nightmares about this too but I cant tell him that b/c he don't need to worry about it. We are working on him! I tell him I take the pills b/c I have a tooth ache. Yeah at times my mouth hurts, but most of the time it is so I can sleep. I try not to let him see me take them so he wont worry and take them away from me. I know now that when he reads this he will take them from me and I will have to deal with it. I have to clear my mind for him. He is all that matters to me!! I cant help it!

[Art_Critic]

I do think you need to forgive yourself and lighten up on yourself..

 

but on another note.. I feel like you are writing on LS for him to read it.. to drive points home that you can't get thru to him right now..

 

In order for him to forgive you .. he has to start healing.. it takes time and he has to do it on his timetable..If that is his hearts desire that is..

 

If it is the case that you are trying to force feed him how sorry you are on LS then it will have the opposite effect.. you will drive him farther away.

[tristram'swife]

OK I'm banging my head here!

 

I guess I am coming out to you all wrong. Yeah he will read this but I am not trying force feed him into forgiveness. I UNDERSTAND that.......I am willing to wait for him if he is willing to give me a chance again!

 

All I wanted to do was talk to others that have been in my shoes. I know there are very few out there that are 'opening up' on here but I would like to talk to them if they would let me. He is talking to others in his shoes why cant I talk to people on the other side?

 

He is not going to get upset at me for typing on here. We have both agreed that what is said on here is not meant to hurt ones feelings....sometimes you just need to vent and this is his venting place and I respect that. I have refrained myself from reading his posts b/c I know that they WILL hurt me whether he wanted to or not.

 

So please don't get upset at me for the things I type. I have to express my feelings somewhere and I have been keeping them bottled up since D-Day and yesterday I popped! I had a car accident last night b/c my mind is not where it should be. Yeah I blamed it on the other driver, but as I sit and think about it.....I was stressed out that day from all this sh*t so I prob was not paying that much attention. Yeah the cop pointed his finger at me. I need somewhere to clear my head and I just need someone to talk to. In a way I am glad that the accident was my fault b/c then I had proof as to where I was. I called him from friends cell phone but I was unclear to him b/c the police showed up and I had to go. He then called the number back just to make sure I was not lying (I don't blame him one bit). He then, not knowing how bad it was) rushed up to see if I was OK. I had already left before he got there. I got home and found him gone. I was a nervous wreck. Pacing the floor, checking to see if the suitcase was still here and his clothes. The ferrets where here but I didn't care. He wasn't so I just thought he didn't believe me and took off. He came back and told me that he was worried about me. I felt stupid for thinking the things I did and then I realized he does love me or else he wouldn't have gone looking for me.

 

I am going to give him time and space. But it is SO hard! I want to love on him and take care of him. So bad do I want to do that!

[newbby]

the reason people talk about things they did wrong, is on some level for acceptance despite being imperfect. whether you realise it or not, you are looking for forgiveness and i am asking you to find that for yourself because what you did wasnt that bad and because, if you dont forgive yourself how can you love yourself? i know that it hurt your husband really badly etc etc, but it doesnt merit you wanting to kill yourself over.

[Hot Coco]

What she did wasn't that bad? It was VERY bad. Awful. Let's not minimize it.

 

But do you deserve to forgive yourself? Of course...but only if you really know and realize how bad and damaging your actions were and that you make damn sure you NEVER do it again.

[In Like Flynn]

Have you thought about taking a lie detector test?? I mean they do give them and they don't cost as much as you would think. The only reason I mention this is that his trust in you is shattered....especially about the issue of how many times/what/where etc you had sex with OM. In his early posts he mentioned that the OM stated to his wife that you two did it more than once and that probably still crosses his mind. Just a thought!!

[tristram'swife]

I don't recall the OM ever telling his wife that we did it more than once. He has lied to his wife on that one if he did. I had since talked to the OM wife about this a apologized to her. She never mentioned to me that we did it more than once. I think what happened in that was that my hubby read those letters and assumed that we did it more than once and told that to the OM wife. I tried to clear that up with him and still trying.

 

I don't think a lie detector test is good. Them things don't work sometimes anyway. My luck it will say I am lying and then he will never heal. But I just feel I have to SHOW him that I am FAITHFUL again and will never hurt him like this for a long as I live and he is willing 'see how it goes.'

 

I believe in my heart that we will make it, but it is going to be a long bumpy road from here on out. I also told him last night that when he is ready, I want to renew our wedding vows. I know you only do that on your 25th wedding anniversary and if it takes that long then so be it! I will wait for him!

[happymadison]

you're screwed . you have broken the fragile egg of trust, and it will NEVER be resurrected. things will never be the same between you ---your actions may be forgiven at some level but never will they be forgotten. you cant put the toothpaste back in the tube, or un-ring a bell. You had your fling, now you have to pay the piper.

 

i for one would never trust you again, and all the counseling you want will be for naught. in fact, i am willing to bet that after repeated counseling sessions, you will wind up finding out that part of it was actually his fault for not fulfilling some need of yours and causing you to cheat, etc, and it will be downhill from there anyway. regardless, its best for you to just shut up, and let him decide his future with you. talk from you or anyone else is just noise--only your own deeds towards him and a lot of time (if there ever will be enuf time) will get him over this.

[Woggle]

From reading posts it sounds like you really do feel remorse so if I were him I would give you one more chance. It is going to take time to get back on track and repair the marriage. Tell him exactly what you have typed on this board. You sound sincere and you will just have to let it get back to a place where the trust is back. Renewing your vows is a good idea because you can look at it as a new start.

[tristram'swife]

From reading posts it sounds like you really do feel remorse so if I were him I would give you one more chance. It is going to take time to get back on track and repair the marriage. Tell him exactly what you have typed on this board. You sound sincere and you will just have to let it get back to a place where the trust is back. Renewing your vows is a good idea because you can look at it as a new start.

 

 

 

Thank you SO much woggle!!!! There truly is people out there that care!

 

I have let him read EVERYTHING I have posted on here. Not for forgiveness or for him to feel sorry for me but for him to know what is going on in my head too. Sometimes it is just easier to write it down then to speak it.

 

Oh and HUGSSSS to all that think I should get a second chance!! And those that believe me! I feel better knowing that at least someone believes me even if it is not my hubby! I just told him that I am going to make him look like a fool for even thinking of leaving me. Not to be mean or anything, just going to prove to him that what I did was not me and that it WILL NEVER happen again as long as I live!

[whichwayisup]

Ofcourse you deserve a second chance...Everybody does! You aren't a bad person, just what you did was bad. Forgive yourself and heal with one on one therapy, continue with marriage counselling and just 'be' there for him. Let him grieve, allow him his space when he needs it, listen to him when he needs you to do just that and talk to him when he needs questions answered.

 

Time heals all wounds. Yeah as cliche as that is, it's so true. Don't put a time limit on when all be will OK again, take baby steps. Good days and bad days...Thrive off the good days and accept a bad day as just that.

[Woggle]

Thank you SO much woggle!!!! There truly is people out there that care!

 

I have let him read EVERYTHING I have posted on here. Not for forgiveness or for him to feel sorry for me but for him to know what is going on in my head too. Sometimes it is just easier to write it down then to speak it.

 

Oh and HUGSSSS to all that think I should get a second chance!! And those that believe me! I feel better knowing that at least someone believes me even if it is not my hubby! I just told him that I am going to make him look like a fool for even thinking of leaving me. Not to be mean or anything, just going to prove to him that what I did was not me and that it WILL NEVER happen again as long as I live!

 

Don't approach it like that. Telling him you are going to make him look like a fool is not the best way to approach it. I believe you are sincere but you need to understand where he is coming from, It hurts to be betrayed by the person you love and you need to empathize with what he is feeling. My first wife cheated on me and it was like being kicked in the gut with a steel toed boot. I left her though I never believed for a minute she was sincere while I think you are sincere. Just be patient and understand where he is coming. It's like a wound. It will take a while to heal but if you really care for him it will be worth it.

[tristram'swife]

Time is the key and I am going to give him all the time he needs and be here for him as well.

 

Sorry if I was 'hard on myself' yesterday. It was just a very 'low' day for me. You all have had those days where it just seems that life is over and what is the point. The point is life is too short. I need to Cherish the time I have with my family and never take that for granted again!

 

I know I am not a bad person, I just made a bad choice is all. Cherish the good days and learn from the bad ones.

 

 

Thank you all again for talking to me and my hubby. He really needs to hear from others in his shoes and have a place to vent on those bad days. (I would rather here than vent on me!)

[Mz. Pixie]

I have been in your shoes TW- except I didn't want to save my marriage. I was on the way out when my A started and my exhusband was a selfish jerk.

 

You mentioned His Needs Her Needs? My pastor did hand that out to us at our premarital counseling. My exhusband never took the time to read it. Guess that should have been my first clue.

 

I'm not sure how close you are with God but you did mention Him in your post. He will forgive you but you have to forgive yourself.

 

It's a process that takes alot of time. You can't just make your husband wake up and trust you again. You have to earn that back. You have to work on your marriage and it's going to take alot of work.

 

I believe you are remorseful for what you did. What I urge you to do is to look deep into yourself and see the real reason why you did what you did. It wasn't because you were drunk or curious, that's BS and you know it. There's a reason that you did what you did, and to heal you and your husband you need to get real about it. Only when you find the true reason will you begin to be able to fix what was broken that caused this to happen.

 

Explore the reason in counseling and be honest with him about why you did it. I haven't gotten the point of forgiveness with myself just yet, I'm working on it- and it's been almost two years.

[Mz. Pixie]

Bumping up in hopes I get a response?

[beachrosie]

Is the reason why you are typing this on here, is because he will see it? I'm confused as to why it matters if it was one time for 10 times? Or why the marriage is suddenly most important? You heart was not in it and that is why you went else where, and perhaps the reason why you want to stay is because you got caught?

 

I do hope and pray that your heart and head lead you to a place of peace.

[whichwayisup]

I think that Mr and Mrs T not posting on LS is a good thing...It means they're probably talking and spending time together, working it out.

 

Hope all is well, and this is a case of no news is good news.