oh_what_am_I_doing Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 Ok folks, am I overreacting? The other night we were in the middle of a nice love-making session when I asked in a tantalizing voice, "How much do you want me?" and he thought about it for a moment before saying, "Do you mean out of ten?" and I answered yes, and he said, "Seven." I was quite shocked and said, "Seven?!" and he said, "Seven point five." So I stopped what I was doing for a moment, and he said, "7.4.... 7.3...... 7.2....." So I started again but asked later if he's ever been attracted to me at a full ten value, and he said no and that it's not possible to ever reach the theoretical ten. I asked if he had ever been attracted to me at a nine value then and after about ten or fifteen seconds of thought, he said yes. Men, how would you have responded to that conversation? I know enough not ask questions to which the answer might be something I don't want to hear, but I never DREAMED his response would be so low and take so much time to come up with it. Or am I just way out of line here?
Hot Coco Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 He sounds stingy with his emotions and feelings. Is he like that in other areas?
loveheart59 Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 I am not a man but... He just sounds like an honest man. Thats the problem with "out of ten". Its never quite good enough unless its ten! Like me hes probrably quite critical to a degree so he analyzed the situation. Not nice for you but still the truth. Did he say he wanted you 7.4 at that particular time or every single time. If you expect him to give you a ten out of ten for looks, sexiness and love all of the time I think you're the one whos deluded. P.S. 7.5 is actually quite a good score. I wish I was in the room to see your face. What a passion killer!!! Serves you right for askin thet out of ten question to someone who doesnt bulls**t!!!
slubberdegullion Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 First of all, asking such a loaded question in the middle of a lovemaking session is really, REALLY unfair. Secondly, your perception of a 7 is obviously different than his. Besides, no one but airbrushed beauties in a magazine approach 10, at least on a visual scale. So chill.
loveheart59 Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 but I never DREAMED his response would be so low and take so much time to come up with it. Or am I just way out of line here? Yeh you expected him to lie. Its better to have a guy who tells the truth, instead of a guy who says your brilliant then cheats behind your back. Trust me. (Technically, if he doesnt believe in theoretical "ten", then he actually gave you 7.5 out of nine:) ) 7/10 hahaha! you must really love yourself to have thought he was gonna say 10! How humiliating:lmao:
Author oh_what_am_I_doing Posted November 19, 2005 Author Posted November 19, 2005 Well I'm glad to hear you guys say that. It wasn't supposed to be some deep, loaded question, but I guess I can see now that he took it that way. It was just supposed to be something to get him to speak in bed. He is the most silent person I've ever been with. No moaning, no heavy breathing... I've tried asking him other types of things, like, "Tell me about a fantasy of yours so I can live it out for you" or "Does this feel good?" or "what would you like me to do to you?" and he can never answer me. He's admitted he has a hard time keeping his mind on sex when we're in the middle of it, and his mind keeps straying to other non-related things. So occasionally I try to get him to talk about sex because I figure if he's talking about it, the chances are less that he'll be thinking about sports or cleaning the apartment or philosophy..... But he just doesn't respond well to that either. He refuses to talk to me about sexual fantasies. If he does tell me a "dirty story", it goes something like this, "She gets hungry, so she goes to the kitchen to make herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She opens the cupboard and gets out the PB. With a knife she spreads it on a slice of bread. Next the jelly is put over top the PB. She is interupted by a telephone call from a salesman. She tells him he's not interested and hangs up the phone but then remembers she forgot to pay the bills. She gets out the checkbook and writes out a check to the power company. Next she writes a check to the water company. Next she writes a check to the phone company....." It makes me want to scream, "how is that a dirty story?" I just don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about it with no success. Our sexual encounters oftentimes ends with me getting frustrated and neither of us finishing what we started. Well really how they oftentimes end is he looks at me and with a blank look on his face asks me "what's next?" and then he decides he's not in the mood to continue anymore because other things are on his mind. I know most of the times we have sex he views it as a favor to me because he's not in the mood. He rarely initiates it. Help!
Author oh_what_am_I_doing Posted November 19, 2005 Author Posted November 19, 2005 PS. I wasn't even going for an "out of ten" question. All I said was, "how much do you want me?" He's the one who asked, "Out of ten?" and I said "sure" or something along those lines. The answer "alot" would have sufficed.
Art_Critic Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 I know most of the times we have sex he views it as a favor to me because he's not in the mood. He rarely initiates it. Ouch.. You have a really serious issue with him.. I have to agree with Hot Coco on this one and you are always going to find him emotionaly unavailable and stingy with his emotions. In a way he is trying to control what you think and feel about sex so he feels better about himself.. The problem is the cost will be your self esteem.. This is a time where he should be building you up telling you how wonderful you are.. not tearing you down. Honesty.. Bull You need to have this out with him and get the issue on the table.. If he can't give you what you need emotionaly you need to kick him to the curb. it will only get worse
newbby Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 i agree. it sounds as though he views you as very confident about sex and very sexy etc. so he is trying to control the situation and you. he probably feels inadequate.
Author oh_what_am_I_doing Posted November 19, 2005 Author Posted November 19, 2005 Thanks Art. I want desperately to believe that he's just really stressed right now and that this will pass. I agree with the low self-esteem thing. I decided to start going to couseling and had my first session a little over a week ago. I hope it helps. As for my SO, I know he is trying. The mere fact that he does have sex with me means he is trying because I know oftentimes that's not what he wants. He'll say something like, "I do it because I know it's what you want. And besides, there's at least a small part of me that wants to do it because if not, then I wouldn't do it at all." There for awhile (4-5 months) he would only have sex with me on weekends but I told him the other day that wasn't enough for me and that I miss being able to be intimate with him on work days too, and the past two Tuesdays we've had sex. He cited the reason for never having sex on week days was because I hadn't complained yet, and he thought he could get away with just weekends. A few months ago he initiated sex one Saturday night, and I was so elated. Afterwards I asked him what was different about that night because I surely wanted to reproduce those same dimensions in the future, and his response was that he knew it was expected of him. Even though I keep hurting, I really care about him and want this to work. I definitely don't think my sweetie is the controlling type, but his feelings of inadequacy does have a lot to do with his low libido.
newbby Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 . He'll say something like, "I do it because I know it's what you want. And besides, there's at least a small part of me that wants to do it because if not, then I wouldn't do it at all." this is insulting, AND controlling. if thats REALLY the way he feels about sex, he still would not make you feel like he is doing you a favour.
Art_Critic Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 Even though I keep hurting, I really care about him and want this to work. I think you are trying too hard.. Having/wanting to have sex with your SO is not an issue with most couples.. yes they have issues over the number of times or the passion in the actual act.. But one thing that normal couples have that you don't have is desire.. He doesn't desire to have sex with you.. Like I said earlier he should be building you up.. telling you how much you satisfy him, How much he wants to be with you etc etc.. He is tearing you down so he feels better about himself.. I'm glad your going to counseling.. That will help you the most to understand what is going on and give you tools on how to deal with it.
lilmoma1973 Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 I have to agree with Hot coco and Art in what they say he does sounds stingy and you should just kick him to curb and don't think twice about.. Everyone would like for their sugnificant other to look at them like a ten nothing wrong with that !!!
Outcast Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 I don't think he is 'stingy'; he sounds to be someone who's very cereberal - who doesn't even pay attention to his own body. His attention and focus is all in his head. Don't take it personally. I have a friend like that and it's hard for her to stop overthinking every single thing. Just by the way you describe his 'fantasy' shows that he's particular and precise about everything. Emotions, sex - those are all messy and chaotic and uncontrollable and he's probably uncomfortable with them. Should you dump him? Well maybe not if he's otherwise a good guy. He might benefit from some therapy to help him connect more with the non-cereberal aspects of life. If he doesn't get any help with this, though, you can pretty much expect more of the same just because that's his personality. Everyone would like for their sugnificant other to look at them like a ten nothing wrong with that !!! I think that's ridiculous and obviously unrealistic. I'm guessing that a lot of women expect to be 10s but how many of them would rate their men perfect 10s???? Not a hell of a lot, I bet.
d'Arthez Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 Have to agree with Outcast. I think that's ridiculous and obviously unrealistic. I'm guessing that a lot of women expect to be 10s but how many of them would rate their men perfect 10s???? Not a hell of a lot, I bet. They will, but only in the presence of their SO. Otherwise they will not - unless of course it serves to make another woman jealous?!?
Author oh_what_am_I_doing Posted November 19, 2005 Author Posted November 19, 2005 I'm guessing that a lot of women expect to be 10s but how many of them would rate their men perfect 10s???? Not a hell of a lot, I bet. Outcast, Thanks for the reply. I definitely agree that my man is a logical, rational cerebral kind of guy. However, the above statement is a little off from what my original question was. I asked him in the heat of the moment, "How much do you want me?" or in other words, "How horny are you right now?" The question wasn't, "Rate my personality on a scale of one to ten" because believe me, I know I am far from a ten. I don't even want to know what his answer to that latter question would be. Probably a three or a four?
westernxer Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 I asked him in the heat of the moment, "How much do you want me?" or in other words, "How horny are you right now?" He sure knows how to shoot himself in the foot, doesn't he. Maybe you should hit him in the nuts next time he says this, then ask him how it feels to be at ground zero.
Outcast Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 I asked him in the heat of the moment, "How much do you want me?" or in other words, "How horny are you right now?" And my points were 1 - asking an emotional question of someone not in touch with emotion was not a good idea and 2 - was a response to the quote I posted above which said that all women expect to be thought 10s
loveheart59 Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 God whats this guys number? I'll pass it on to my friend who only has sex once a year! ...seems like you and your guy are just mismatched on sex drives. It must be upsetting but I expect you wont be able to change him completely because it seems like an innocent part of his personality. Iksnay on the vocal sex. You like making noises and he doesnt, another mismatch! By the way out of my curiosity, what are both of your star signs?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 If he does tell me a "dirty story", it goes something like this, "She gets hungry, so she goes to the kitchen to make herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She opens the cupboard and gets out the PB. With a knife she spreads it on a slice of bread. Next the jelly is put over top the PB. She is interupted by a telephone call from a salesman. She tells him he's not interested and hangs up the phone but then remembers she forgot to pay the bills. She gets out the checkbook and writes out a check to the power company. Next she writes a check to the water company. Next she writes a check to the phone company....." As Paris Hilton might say: That's Hot!!
7on Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 I think he was just trying to be funny. If he sincerely loves you, you should just know. unless he isn't usually funny. Cause if I said something like that it'd be funny. But then I often make the unfunny funny for some reason. I can't explain it.
mini696 Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 At least you know he wasn't lying. If he said you were a ten, then you'd know he was just saying that because its what you want to hear. Dont ask if you aren't ready for a dissapointing answer.
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