MissLonelyHeart Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 Well, since I've been airing my strange and confusing "laundry" as far as dating goes, and have been getting some excellent input and viewpoints I would have never thought to look at, I thought maybe this was a good place to discuss my best friend issue. My best friend and I go way back. We've had our ups and downs, like all friendships do. We've always been like sisters. VERY close. Very much alike. And there was a time when we really had our work cut out for us, because the woman she was living with and engaged to (my BF is a lesbian) and her were NOT working out, and, she was planning on leaving her. Which, she did. That caused all kinds of problems, especially since she went directly into the arms of another woman, and it appeared that there may have been some cheating going on before the split, but they both denied it and still do. Her ex, clung to the notion that they would be getting back together - for over a year, and it was hard for all of us. Eventually my BF, and her new GF had a private, one on one "marriage" that they didn't tell anyone about until way after the fact, which was hard for me, and then, they packed up and moved about 45 minutes away into the country. That was a little over a year ago, and since... we've seen less and less of each other. In fact, we have now not seen each other since the spring. I have tried and tried to maintain this friendship. I was calling on a regular basis, but, not getting any calls. So, when I finally decided to not call, and let her call me, the contact stopped. And, I've been here, feeling really hurt over this for months now. I miss her, but I feel like by being the only one maintaining the friendship, I am begging her, and I don't like feeling that way. Her wife, well... I do suspect she has something to do with this all, because my BF has pretty much fallen away from anyone who she used to have contact with... except her EX, who calls her every week. They're still pretty close. But I think that's because her ex keeps calling, while I do not. And now the holidays are coming, and I feeling really frustrated. My big christmas party is being planned, and I don't know if I should even bother inviting my BF and her wife, because they deline every invitation I send out anyways. And everytime they do, it just feels like more rejection. So, I don't know what to do anymore. I miss her though. A lot. And, I can't really tell her that, because even when I was calling, her wife ALWAYS answered the phone, and kept me on it with her for at least 10 minutes, as if she was screening my BF's calls for her, and I felt like... she was making her territory or something. She's a very dominant person, and I can tell she is the one who's running the show... but, I never say that. I just keep to myself. I so don't know what to do about this anymore. I just know it hurts. A lot. MLH
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 hello, the best thing I can come up with in response is to encourage you to really envision every aspect of the disconnection with your longtime friend having nothing to do with you, personally. I suspect that the dynamics of their relationship are such that the "new girlfriend/wife" has significant personal past experiences which have shaped her personality in ways to which most of us cannot relate. This could result in some significant jealousy even though the one of whom she would be jealous in this case could/would have no sexual attraction to her new "wife". I have a strong feeling that you have done all that should be reasonably required of a loyal and sincere friend. Maybe the next fork in the road has the following pair of options: A) You can truly resign yourself to not spend so much concern over the friendship that, as of this time, only one of you would be contributing to, and believe with all your heart that she will come back around, because you were always a pleasant aspect of her life. B) You can make a big stink about the missing friendship now, and risk burning feelings to a depth which could make her bolt further away from you, and leave your last impression on her such that she wouldn't like to retain a vision of contacting you again in time. I understand that it hurts in the present to lose, or even think of losing a friend, and that the natural response is to pay some attention to that complex situation. I think you should convince yourself that this new girlfriend/wife she has is indeed someone who was significantly harmed emotionally in the past and that your friend's choices of today are products of that third party. Don't blame yourself, but don't cheat yourself out of a present life because of a path that another individual opted for. I hope this gets you thinking at least...
Author MissLonelyHeart Posted November 19, 2005 Author Posted November 19, 2005 hello, the best thing I can come up with in response is to encourage you to really envision every aspect of the disconnection with your longtime friend having nothing to do with you, personally. I suspect that the dynamics of their relationship are such that the "new girlfriend/wife" has significant personal past experiences which have shaped her personality in ways to which most of us cannot relate. This could result in some significant jealousy even though the one of whom she would be jealous in this case could/would have no sexual attraction to her new "wife". I have a strong feeling that you have done all that should be reasonably required of a loyal and sincere friend. Maybe the next fork in the road has the following pair of options: A) You can truly resign yourself to not spend so much concern over the friendship that, as of this time, only one of you would be contributing to, and believe with all your heart that she will come back around, because you were always a pleasant aspect of her life. B) You can make a big stink about the missing friendship now, and risk burning feelings to a depth which could make her bolt further away from you, and leave your last impression on her such that she wouldn't like to retain a vision of contacting you again in time. I understand that it hurts in the present to lose, or even think of losing a friend, and that the natural response is to pay some attention to that complex situation. I think you should convince yourself that this new girlfriend/wife she has is indeed someone who was significantly harmed emotionally in the past and that your friend's choices of today are products of that third party. Don't blame yourself, but don't cheat yourself out of a present life because of a path that another individual opted for. I hope this gets you thinking at least... Thank you SO MUCH for that. I really needed an outside opinion on this all, and I'm glad I asked for it once and for all. I have been painfully silent about this for a while now, fearful to open up. I think you are right though. I DO believe that this is nothing personal with me, because she has disconnected herself from pretty much all her friends, and only socializes with her family, and people who live within walking distance of their new property out in the country. They NEVER come into the city unless they have to, and when they did this one time, my BF made a comment I will never forget... she said... "God I really miss it here. I miss being able to go out. I miss people. I miss being able to walk to the store and get a newspaper." So, I do think her wife is the problem. She was married before... to a man. They divorced because he was having several affairs. So there's the "significant personal past experiences" you were talking about I'm going to take your advice and go with: A) You can truly resign yourself to not spend so much concern over the friendship that, as of this time, only one of you would be contributing to, and believe with all your heart that she will come back around, because you were always a pleasant aspect of her life. Which I think it excellent advice. It's time for me to close the page on this chapter. It hurts and I am very sad about it, but it's a loss, and it's time to grieve it, and move on. Thank you again. Thank you so much. MLH
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Hi again, I think your outlook on this sounds like the best course of action. However I would inspire you to think more deeply about the summation of the best friend's new wife's past. I think what you cited, about the husband who cheated on her, is mostly just a product OF that past. A symptom if you will. Wildly guessing here, I think you'd find that said wife is from a family where cheating is the rule rather than the exception, and I would guess as well that hers wasn't a rosy childhood in terms of her having been violated in other ways as well. At least you are left with a vibe and a hint that your best friend is sorta yearning for at least parts of her old life. Time is on your side, and you have plenty of it.
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