Dating Nightmares... it never seems to end!

[MissLonelyHeart]

Hi there everyone.

 

I'm new to posting here, but have been reading for a while now. I figured this was a good time to delurk and register.

 

So, here's my story.

 

I'm a single woman, never been married, in my 30's. For 12 years of my life, I was in very serious, commited relationships - one for 8 years, one for 4. Neither of which worked out because... one man was cheating, and the other, decided he just didn't want to be tied down anymore.

 

So, I've been back in the dating pool for 2 years now. When meeting someone on my own wasn't happening, I joined MatchMaker International's local chapter. I dropped a whole lot of cash, and a year later, I still haven't met anyone. Every date I go on that they set me up for, ends up being a disaster. Either the guy ends up telling me how he's not looking for anything serious, or, they're just creeps, period. One man even told me I wasn't his type because he preferred "skinny girls". That worked wonders on my self esteem, let me tell you.

 

But as if that wasn't bad enough, here's my REAL problem.

 

I finally met someone who I like. For once, MM sent me someone who was actually compatible. Or, so I thought.

 

We went out a bunch of times, and talked quite a bit. We started to get kind of cozy, actually. He wanted all the same things I did, was tired of serial dating, traditional, mature, even a little romantic. And so, I was so happy. He was so... sweet. He said all the right things, too.

 

Then, the bottom fell out, out of no where. We had plans this weekend, and... he forgot. Instead, he suddenly had plans with his friends, and was REALLY set on going out with them. Our plans, didn't even exist anymore. And, I had changed my whole evening schedule around so we could go out, which is why I am now sitting home tonight. Sitting here, stewing in this all.

 

On the phone, He was cold and disconnected, and hardly said a word otherwise. He sounded very... preoccupied, too. It was like someone flicked a switch!!!

 

At first I was just mamby pamby about it, and said, "Ok well, maybe some other time."

 

Then I got to thinking... this STINKS! I hardly know this guy, and I'm letting him walk all over me just because his buddies (who are all married, BTW, he's the ONLY one of his friends who is single) wanted him to go out with them?? And decided to tell him that what he did wasn't very nice.

 

That opened a can of worms I wasn't even ready for. All of a sudden now he's got "a lot of things to do", "doesn't have a lot of free time", etc, etc... and, as far as commitment? He doesn't like to "make plans" he's not a "planning guy" - though, he was before

 

So, now he wants to go out tomorrow night... despite all of this. Which makes NO SENSE TO ME. And I am so confused and miffed that I don't even know what to think about this guy. I mean, am I being silly here, or does something seem... not right about this. One friend told me she thinks that he THOUGHT he wanted a serious relationship, and as soon as he started to realize what that meant, he got scared.

 

But if that's the case... then WHAT ON EARTH is he doing in MM with a profile that says "looking for serious, LT relationship and marriage". Hello??

 

Does anyone have ANY suggestions about this?? I mean, I really like him... I liked him more BEFORE though. MM has told me to keep going out on their referral dates, which I guess I will do... but you know, this is getting really hard, and yet, I'm so tired of being lonely. It's like a double edged sword, and now my heart is involved

 

 

 

 

MLH

[Lishy]

Wow hon thats is awful I am so sorry this has happened.

 

I think he is scared ..... You have one choice here really, he is pulling away out of fear and you need to back off now and let him come back to you. If he doesnt then it's his loss!!!!!! Men suck dont they

[Free At Last]

Hi!

 

My initial reaction is that you are over reacting to his actions. Yes, it sounds like a selfish move that he made, but it is early in the relationship and maybe it is worth another chance? On the other hand, when I begin to avoid or forget my plans with a woman, usually there is more there than I tell them. Maybe he just isn't that into you? If that doesn't sound right, then maybe he is just less emotionally invested in the relationship so far - meaning that he is still interested, but hasn't been captivated by the strong potential of it that maybe you are feeling.

 

Either way, he has made it clear that he wants to see you again. I'm sure if you give him some slack, while at the same time letting him know in an unhurtful way that what he did was upsetting to you... things could work out.

 

Its not easy giving advice on here. I feel like I don't know enough, or the people involved. But I hope my opinion helps.

[alphamale]

i am sorry that I cannot advise in this particular matter...

good luck

alpha

[MissLonelyHeart]

Yeah, I know it can be hard giving advice.

 

The only thing that makes me think there's something not right, is that he ran so hot, and so cold, out of the blue. And, when I confronted him about our "forgotten" plans, he didn't even apologize.

 

If he's not that into me... why ask me to go out tomorrow?

 

If he is, why blow me off?

 

See where I'm coming from here? It's all very hot and cold, and strange. He went from showering me with compliments and being all cozy and cuddly, to... ICE CUBE.

 

So, I don't know what to think. I do plan on going out with him tomorrow, because I'd like to look him right in the eye and see what his body language is going to be like. If there's a major change there, then I think that'll be the end of this situation, and I'll close the chapter. But, I can't help but wonder... what happened.

 

And I do think there's some fear going on. But I think if people are afraid, then maybe they shouldn't tell people they're looking for a serious relationship. They should be honest and say they're not sure what they want, and that they just want to roll with things to see how it all works out.

 

Don't lead people on... it's so mean

 

 

MLH

[brittanyjean259]

maybe he had just gotten out of a relationship with someone?...even if he didnt you can feel like you like someone at first and just not be that into them as the relationship gets going.

 

im sorry

[Free At Last]

Regardless of the reason he ditched your plans, I think the best thing to do is be forgiving yet aware. You can only lose by imposing your own visions of what might be going on in his life. You can only lose by reacting in a negative way. It's too early to do that. Hope for the best, and let him tell you, or let the truth come out on its own. This way, if it turns out to be nothing.... you are showing that you are compassionate to his faults. Otherwise, it won't take you long to realize that its time to pack it in.

[MissLonelyHeart]

maybe he had just gotten out of a relationship with someone?...even if he didnt you can feel like you like someone at first and just not be that into them as the relationship gets going.

 

im sorry

 

Well, he said he hasn't been in any kind of serious relationship in about 3 years. So, he didn't just get out of something with someone. Unless he's lying.

 

And, I don't know. If he's thinking he doesn't like me the way he did at first, why ask me out for tomorrow night? You see what I'm saying? I mean, why bother at all?

 

MLH

[MissLonelyHeart]

Regardless of the reason he ditched your plans, I think the best thing to do is be forgiving yet aware. You can only lose by imposing your own visions of what might be going on in his life. You can only lose by reacting in a negative way. It's too early to do that. Hope for the best, and let him tell you, or let the truth come out on its own. This way, if it turns out to be nothing.... you are showing that you are compassionate to his faults. Otherwise, it won't take you long to realize that its time to pack it in.

 

 

*NOD*

 

That's what I'm going to try to do. Even though it's really hard when someone goes that cold on you out of the blue. I'm hoping that he'll be more himself tomorrow night. It's why I'm going out with him tomorrow night, and not just kicking this all to the curb: because I am a very forgiving and understanding person. And, I know how life can throw you curve balls that effect everyone around you.

 

So, if he's just not into me anymore, I'm guessing I'll pick up on that at least a little tomorrow night. Then, I won't waste my time anymore. But, I am trying to give him the benefit. I really am.

 

I do think though that some people have a really hard time communicating - and that he may be one of those people. But, we'll see I guess, right?

 

 

MLH

[konfuzd]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I'm in kind of a similar situation. Somehow went from the "coolest girl he's ever met" and hour long phone calls 3 or 4 times/week, going out on great dates... to a text message once a week... no warning at all. (you can read more under my past posts if you're interested, I've been posting a lot as it's really stressed me out)! It's frustrating.

 

The thing that worries me, is that you say MM has encouraged you to go out on referral dates... is there a possibility he's doing the same? Maybe he went to the MM service because he hit a slump in his dating life, and really wanted a serious relationship, but if he's been meeting several people from this service, maybe he's enjoying the attention of several women, and wants to continue "shopping" before deciding on the girl he wants to stick with.

 

I think dating services are great when people are in it for the right reasons, but unfortunately there are a number of people who use it as an easy way to play the field. Be cautious... go out and date other people, if he knows that you are holding out for him, and he can still see other girls, he's in a great spot... but once he finds out you're not sitting by the phone waiting around for him, he'll figure out he's gotta step it up to keep you around!

 

I know it's no fun, and it's a bunch of mind games, but there really is no way to avoid it... take it with a grain of salt... it stinks, but I've learned that no matter how much you have to offer someone and try to be upfront with them, you can't make them fall for you, or give you the same honesty and respect that you give to them...

 

Good Luck! Keep posting with updates!

[MissLonelyHeart]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I'm in kind of a similar situation. Somehow went from the "coolest girl he's ever met" and hour long phone calls 3 or 4 times/week, going out on great dates... to a text message once a week... no warning at all. (you can read more under my past posts if you're interested, I've been posting a lot as it's really stressed me out)! It's frustrating.

 

The thing that worries me, is that you say MM has encouraged you to go out on referral dates... is there a possibility he's doing the same? Maybe he went to the MM service because he hit a slump in his dating life, and really wanted a serious relationship, but if he's been meeting several people from this service, maybe he's enjoying the attention of several women, and wants to continue "shopping" before deciding on the girl he wants to stick with.

 

I think dating services are great when people are in it for the right reasons, but unfortunately there are a number of people who use it as an easy way to play the field. Be cautious... go out and date other people, if he knows that you are holding out for him, and he can still see other girls, he's in a great spot... but once he finds out you're not sitting by the phone waiting around for him, he'll figure out he's gotta step it up to keep you around!

 

I know it's no fun, and it's a bunch of mind games, but there really is no way to avoid it... take it with a grain of salt... it stinks, but I've learned that no matter how much you have to offer someone and try to be upfront with them, you can't make them fall for you, or give you the same honesty and respect that you give to them...

 

Good Luck! Keep posting with updates!

 

You know what? I think you just hit the nail right on the head. Even though he has told me he isn't seeing any other referrals, I had wondered if maybe he was. And, I DO think he might be... and shopping around. I think that may be what he is doing. I don't know him well enough to be able to say he's honest. So, who knows!

 

I have a referral in my possesion right now, and I was holding off on contacting him because of this other guy. So much for that, I'm going to give him a ring. I mean... why not, you know? I might as well. Sure it'll probably be another sad joke, but at least I won't be sitting around waiting on one guy.

 

I will say this much, I have NEVER let anyone take advantage of me at MM. We go on a date, and a date, is a DATE. It's not a date, plus breakfast, if you know what I mean. And I am GLAD I've kept it this way. So, nobody is going to be playing me to that extent. Sure, I may get a little hurt because of situations like this one with this guy, but least I can say I didn't give it up to them

 

Thank you SO MUCH for having pointed out what you did in regards to dating services. I wasn't even THINKING from that angle. It puts a whole new spin on things!!!!

 

MLH

[noclobber]

Men suck dont they

 

Plz don't stereotype Lishy!!!

 

to the OP,

 

really sorry to hear about ur bad experiences... dating at its core is just a numbers game...

 

i believe that the person u r dealing with is a confused man... doesn't exactly know what he wants. if he posts his profile, especially with a tag that says 'looking for LT relationship', and then does something like this i wud advice u to be wary of him.. u have already been thru a lot and do u have the energy to deal with yet another flip-flop? save urself from further heart-ache and move on. there r lots of good men out there that wud treat u better!

[Mary3]

My best advice : Stop taking the dating sites and match making businesses so seriously.

You are new to this obviously and while you were in your previous relationships , the world changed.

 

Its not how it was before and more people are using those sites to lie and tell you JUST what you want to hear.

 

Pay CLOSE attention to what I just said : They tell you just what you want to hear and this next * date * could be a play or a flake date.

 

Meaning he may show up, he may not show up. He is toying with you NOW. I give you forewarning because of his previous COLD behavior and hes BUSY and VERY BUSY and blah blah. Watch out.

 

Please discontinue the MatchMakers place if you can get out without a heavy financial loss. I am sure you paid a good sum of money and they promise you * dates *. Dates from Hell....I will guess you paid $ 500 to $ 5,000 for this dating service. But its not really any different than the free sites only difference is they promise to help you find Mr. Right.

 

But Mr. Right isn't there. He isn't on a computer site either. He is out there in the world where you enjoy things . Do you like activities such as ( Hobbies ) that you can join. ?

 

Meet REAL people with real interests that match yours. These internet dating sites are places for alot of losers, players, married men, psychopaths and ect.

 

There are GOOD people on there but they are few and far between. Yes some get lucky and find someone special but MOST don't.

 

I would be VERY leery of suggesting you keep this date. That man is not OKAY something is WRONG but not sure what it is....Maybe he does not like you afterall but sees you coming back for MORE.

 

Maybe he is a sadist or emotionally unavailable . Either way PRoceed with CAUTION !

[MissLonelyHeart]

My best advice : Stop taking the dating sites and match making businesses so seriously.

You are new to this obviously and while you were in your previous relationships , the world changed.

 

But Mr. Right isn't there. He isn't on a computer site either. He is out there in the world where you enjoy things . Do you like activities such as ( Hobbies ) that you can join. ?

 

 

 

Maybe he is a sadist or emotionally unavailable . Either way PRoceed with CAUTION !

 

 

1) As far as meeting my being new... I guess I am? I mean, like I said before, I've been at this for 2 years. I've been on dates with men I've met on my own because I am actually a very active person in the community. In fact, the few I met on my own, were nightmares, too. One turned out to be MARRIED - which is part of the reason I ened up at MM. They don't allow married people into the program.

 

So between looking on my own, or MM, it seems like it's a crap shoot either way these days.

 

2) As for this current guy, if he blows me off, there are rules with MM. You CANNOT blow people off and leave them standing places. In fact, he's broken a few MM rules so far, and they have been made fully aware of this. If he does that tonight, he'll be kicked out of the program without any kind of refund. See, this is why I went to MM.

 

I had thought better of MM because my cousin met her husband through them and they are very happy. She and I talked about it, and she took me down to join because I was so nervous.

 

They're a local agency, that screens all the people who come there. Background checks are run on everyone, and there are RULES. Sadly, there are still jerks because a BGC doesn't show that sort of thing - I am also aware that a BGC doesn't show a lot of things, like "almost" getting caught doing something illegal. But, everyone has a profile, and everyone gets feedback from their dates. Before you go out, MM gives you a run down on your referral. They do match you based on what you do and DO NOT want - but as you can see, some folks lie.

 

My current referral... is totally NEW. I was his first match with MM. So, he JUST paid at least $1000 to join. He dropped $1000, to go out with me, and be "emotionally unavailable".

 

Isn't that sad? The more I think about that, the sicker I get. I'm glad I got a family referral discount, and then some, but I cannot get my money back. Not unless I get angry enough to take this to court.

 

 

-MLH

[Brittanyjean06]

by the way i really like your avater misslonely heart.

 

 

and i hope every ones advice helps you.

[Mary3]

I seriously doubt that you can take them to court because they are in effect : doing what you paid them to do.

 

Its your DATES that are not living up to the agreement. It just goes to show that on MM or on the internet , you are going to find losers, married men and misfits.

 

I can't advise you other than what I said before.

 

Please leave the MM program even if you take a loss.

 

Its a lesson learned.

 

They pitch and pitch and show you success stories and videos and make promises.

 

Ultimately you have to realize that MM is NOT on your date when the guy is smearing ketchup on his banana cream pie. They are NOT there at the door when he fumbles and tries to land a wet sloppy kiss on your cheek. Or when his cell rings and its his other girlfriend ...

 

They provide a service but its up to YOU to realize thats *all* they really do.

 

Liars can join. They got in didnt they ?

 

Now of course they can be kicked out of MM but still I go back to the advice of STOP depending on these places to find love and relationships.

 

Remember : Love is out there but you are not looking in the right places. Go where you love, do what you love and in that you will find someone who loves what you do and maybe wants to spend their time with you and not play games like on these sites.