Am I looking for approval?

November 19, 2005

Okay, so now I have done it. I am a married woman seriously involved with a married man. We found each other on an extramarital web site, so we were both looking. How come I haven't gotten a divorce? Good question. My husband is someone that I have not respected in years. We have an 8 year old daughter. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for years. He does not have any interest in sex with me, which he blames on me because I don't initiate. Truth is, I don't want to have sex with him. I have no interest in him whatsoever. He is unemployed and has been for 3 years. He sits on the computer all day long and plays games, he will get up and throw a load of laundry in or do the dishes quickly before I get home from work. Sometimes he's a good dad, sometimes not. The reason I have not left is because I have somewhat of a fear of him and he absolutely has nothing in the world but us. I don't feel sorry for him anymore because he doesn't even look for a job. So...long story short, I went looking for someone else. I found him. He is truly a guy I could and possibly have already, fallen in love with. He is married and is unhappy with his marriage. He has a 14 and 10 year old and claims that he does not want to rock their world by leaving. He wants to spend all the time with them that he can. If he leaves, he cannot do that. He was very upfront in the beginning telling me that this relationship must stay discreet and he has no plans of leaving until his youngest child is gone to college. I was okay with this, because I had the same desires. He wanted a sexual and emotional relationship with someone that could grow into something more. We have been having this affair for 4 months now. The biggest problem is that I have fallen in love with him and I know that he loves me....but he's still not leaving. Four months is not a long time, i know, but it happened so fast. He is a very kind-hearted person and I know that he does not want to lose his children or me. So...what do I do now. It has gotten much deeper than I ever planned. We connected as though we have known each other forever. I adore how his children always come first because my daughter also always has to come first. We don't want to hurt the kids but both of us are so unhappy in our marriages. Has anything like this ever happened to anyone else. I know I made a huge mistake, I know that I have committed adultry, I know that I am a terribally bad person for doing this...I know all of that. What I don't know is should I keep going and falling deeper in love with this man? We both want to be together but the odds are against that right now. Am I looking for approval? Am I wanting justification for what i have done? Someone give me some insight. I am expecting many disapproving repsonses and I am ready to deal with that. I have already beat myself up more than you can know.

November 19, 2005

I really don't have experience with this but has seen some outcomes in situation like this, try to slowly but at a reasonable pace cut off C, leading to NC, or someone is going to get hurt, then take some time to yourself and really think about your marriage, I know you've been in it, but look through it, you have the questions down, and you know the answers so you you know the outcome just look, before you go deeper, see if there's some way to communicate your problems to your H, try any and everything, and if it still doesn't workout think about moving on not for the OM but for you, and your C, since it's seems to be that OM not's leaving his M, I hope this helps

November 19, 2005

Thanks for the insight. Good advice but I can never talk to my husband about anything. There is not even any reason to do that. I don't want to be in my marriage even if he changed. It's just over and done. I don't want to get in any deeper, but I think its too late for that. I'm already in over my head and that's why I came here. I know that no one is going to tell me to stick it out with the MM and things will work out my way...but maybe that is what I want to hear. So very pathetic, I know.

November 19, 2005

Well, it's hard to say stick it out with the MM in the sense that, do you really want to be in this limbo for 8 years or so, until his youngest goes to college? Doesn't seem likely.

My question is, you've both said you want to put the kids first...why are you certain that that means staying in the marriages? What other possibilities have you considered? Is there any other reason he might not want to leave his marriage? It sounds like you're done with yours - and your husband is unemployed, and not really contributing financially, I suppose. Is there any good reason that you, at least, can't get a divorce - other than inertia?

November 20, 2005

If anything, sounds like the MM is just a catalyst for the inevitable divorce. Sounds like your marriage is over whether you met the MM or not. Would that be an accurate statement?

November 20, 2005

You hit the nail right on the head. I don't have a husband, I have a room mate and one that I don't even like!!! He is nothing to me except the father of my 8 year old. Its just a matter of time.

November 20, 2005

Scarlet: After offering me some very valuable insight I thought i would take a look at your post (while i know you're sound asleep)

Wow reading your post was scary, your H sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. Never worked, never wanted to work, abused me verbally, called me names etc - the hardest part was i loved him so much and later opened my eyes to realise that he never loved me, he was only ever with me because i provided him with all the money he ever needed. After 4.5 years, i booted him and now i am single and happy.

I can't tell you what to do, but you're not a bad person Scarlet. You weren't getting the fulfillment you need from your H so you went to another man, this isnt your fault, its your husbands fault, he has pushed you into the arms of another man by the way he has treated you.

Its pretty obvious your marriage is over, if there's nothing left between you it might be a good idea to up and go. And staying in a marriage just because of kids is BIG NO NO!!

Trust me i am talking from experience here, i am from a family where my parents never loved each other, my dad abused mum, they slept in different rooms etc there was never any love there, but they stay together for my sake.....well i can tell you they made my life a whole lot worse.

I would have grown up a lot better with divorced parents than parents who lived together who never loved each other and only stayed together for my sake....Please do the right thing for you and your child.

Trust me, kids sense and know a lot more than adults realise, i could always sense the tension and lack of love between my parents from a very young age, and i bet your daughter feels the same of whats happening between u and ur H.

Another thing is, you're showing her and telling her it's acceptable to be in a relationship thats disrespectful and unloving.

***hugs*** Scarlet, i really feel for you. I hope it all works out for you. I am here to chat anytime. Sometimes just talking stuff through with someone makes it all better and can help you see the clear picture.

November 20, 2005

You are very sweet and not telling me anything that I don't already know. Sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else though...just to make sure that I am right. It will work out, I 'm just waiting to get through the holidays and then i'm going to start thinking about what to do and how to do it.

November 20, 2005

I think you need to separate out these two things in your mind: What do do about your marriage, and what to do about OM.

Firstly the marriage. You say it's over and the only reason you're staying is because you're somewhat scared of him, and he doesn't have anyone else except you and your child. If you are certain about ending it, and this is an abusive man you're scared of, then you have to work out how you're going to do it, and maintain yours and the child's safety and emotional well-being. Just something to think about.

The OM. Well, since he has told you from the start in no uncertain terms that he's not going to leave his marriage for years (if ever), then this isn't something you can just step into right now. It might be that you'll continue to see him when you become single... it might be that he doesn't look all that interesting any longer. I wanted to pick out this:

He is married and is unhappy with his marriage. He has a 14 and 10 year old and claims that he does not want to rock their world by leaving. He wants to spend all the time with them that he can. If he leaves, he cannot do that. He was very upfront in the beginning telling me that this relationship must stay discreet and he has no plans of leaving until his youngest child is gone to college. I was okay with this, because I had the same desires...

Your desires might have changed, but his haven't. And they won't do in the near future. I'm in a similar situation myself: MM says he's not leaving till his children are older. Whether you or I believe that's a "claim" or a fact or what it is doesn't really matter. Trying to change his mind, forcing the issue, giving ultimatums or just whining about it won't change a thing. What you have to decide, and what I had to decide... was to take him/the situation as it is, or walk away.

November 20, 2005

Sami

very good advice...its really something that I don't already know deep down. My marriage was over way before the other man. He says his is over too. I understand that he does not want to hurt his children at a very influential age and he has been very honest about that. I think he realizes that he can and will have me here if he decides to leave. He is worried that I won't be around for him later if i get a divorce, and that could be true, who knows. But I am not living my life for a man...I need to get some balls and get rid of the one I have living in my house first and then worry about what will happen with the other man. It is very hard to walk away right now. He gives me so much to look forward to and makes me feel so good about myself. I do love him and that is an issue that I don't need right now, but like I said...it is so hard to walk.

November 21, 2005

you are completely living your life for a man. living in fear of your husband keeps you trapped. the mm seems like an escape route, thats a dependency. as sami says, find a safe way to leave your marriage. i know how difficult it is. get legal help, womens aid etc.

i feel for you

November 21, 2005

Scarlet - how r u? hope you're doing well, been thinking about u.

:

November 22, 2005

I'm doing very well now aussi mandy. I have made up my mind that I am filing for divorce after the holidays. Now that I have made my mind up, I just need to make it happen. Still madly in love with this other man and those feelings only deepen as I grow farther from my husband. I have to deal with one situation at a time...have to pick my battles...and right now I choose to be free from a dead-beat husband.

November 24, 2005

scarletletter - **hugs** for you. Only you know what the right decision is and if you feel that a divorice is the best, then thats what you must do. Just know that just like you never judge my actions, i will never judge yours. I will always be here for you for support when you need it.

November 26, 2005

scarlet - havent heard from u in couple of days, just checking in to see how you are?

Mandy:)

November 26, 2005

Hi Mandy...Have been busy here in the US with Thanksgiving holiday and all. I am doing fine but have been taking a beating in your post about your dentist...lol. Talk to you soon. Happy reading...

November 26, 2005

Sami
very good advice...its really something that I don't already know deep down. My marriage was over way before the other man. He says his is over too. I understand that he does not want to hurt his children at a very influential age and he has been very honest about that. I think he realizes that he can and will have me here if he decides to leave. He is worried that I won't be around for him later if i get a divorce, and that could be true, who knows. But I am not living my life for a man...I need to get some balls and get rid of the one I have living in my house first and then worry about what will happen with the other man. It is very hard to walk away right now. He gives me so much to look forward to and makes me feel so good about myself. I do love him and that is an issue that I don't need right now, but like I said...it is so hard to walk.

Evidently, if he wants to remain there for his children, then his R with W might be over, but his M clearly is not. I think that's a distinction that many people don't make (me included, when I first got involved with MM). But on to other things:

"get rid of the one I have living in my house"

This is the man you're married to, and the father of your little girl? What's happening with this at the moment? I got confused reading your post, because you talk about this man who:

"... gives me so much to look forward to and makes me feel so good about myself. I do love him and that is an issue that I don't need right now"

And I'm not sure if this is OM or H you're describing..?

November 27, 2005

scarlet - I am glad you're doing ok. I try as much as i can to log on to see how you're doing.

LOL at taking a bashing in my post....I noticed it and tried to respond the best i could. Its amazing how you're about the only one who understands, i am sorry that you had to cope with a bashing as well just for being their for me, you shouldnt have to be bashed as well. Geez.

Happy thanks giving - we dont have thanks giving here in Australia:(

I will be on throughout the day today but wont be on here tomorrow Mon Nov 28th, am going to have my teeth done in the morning and i am going to be under IV so when i get home i will probably be sleeping all day and all night LOL So my next log in after today/tonight will most probably be Tuesday, cant wait to see what everyone is going to bash me about while i am having my teeth done....

November 27, 2005

Sami,

It is my husband who I cannot live with. It is the other man who makes me feel wonderful. I don't know how to go on without him in my life in some way. As soon as i figure that one out, I'll get rid of the dead-beat husband. I honestly don't know how much longer I can live with him and be in love with someone else. We'll see. It will all work out one way or another. Someone will get hurt, and if its me....LESSON LEARNED!!

November 27, 2005

Hey Scarlet - maybe you need to go to Palm Springs with me to get away!!! Girls like us need to pamper ourselves......

November 28, 2005

sounds sooooo wonderful!!! Count me in!

November 29, 2005

The only person who can decide that is you Scarletletter. What do you want to do? People will give you advice, most of which will strongly recommend you don't carry on with this MM, but it's up to you.

The thing you need to remember though is that your MM made it very clear that all he wanted and was prepared to offer you was a discrete extra-marital affair, and you were in agreement with him.

But you've fallen for him after only 4 months and are already going through emotional turmoil as a result. Just because he's loving and caring to you doesn't mean the ground rules have changed cos they haven't. He may not want to lose you but he will if he has to chose between you and his kids. He wants an affair with all the thrills, excitement and passion that goes with it. If you want something more he may not be the right man for you.

Reading your story I couldn't help but notice the similarities between you and many other OW:

1. I don't get on/have sex/respect my husband

2. My MM is unhappily married too

3. My MM wont leave his wife until the kids have gone to college because he loves them too much hurt them.

4. I had no plans to get involved with him but I've fallen in love with him

5. He's fallen in love with me too

6. He still won't leave his wife (just like he said he wouldn't)

7. He's such a nice guy/such a good father/kind/caring/loving

8. We've connected/we are soulmates

9. It's not just about sex, we are close emotionally too

10. We want to be together but it's impossible

11. He makes me feel so good about myself/wonderful/special/beautiful

12. I don't know what to do

If he makes you feel so great what's the problem? Why can't you continue as you are?

You and he won't be together at least for the next 8 years or so so get your head round it. If you can't bear the thought of being the OW for that long maybe you should end it. But maybe you love him so much already that you can't even contemplate life without him? If that's the case I guess you'll have to be contented with what you have.

Emotions are often heightened and accelerated during affairs, the mere fact they're illicit, dangerous, secretive and exciting makes you feel energised and alive. That's what makes them fun SL.

However, as you are beginning to realise, they come with a downside too.

Don't delude yourself about the reality of your situation.

November 29, 2005

wow...veronese, that is the best advice I have gotten so far...and the funny thing is, I know all of that stuff. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else who is not in the relationship...you know someone outside looking in. I think I will stay put for now, as I would rather have him part time than no time at all. I love him so much and I know that's just going to get deeper. I'll deal with it one day at a time. Thank you.

November 30, 2005

i am thinking that you have just came to that place in your marriage where you can no longer make things work and this guy has given you a new look on life. if you enjoy having someone love you for all you are maybe its time to get divorced. with this guy, i wouldnt expect him to leave his family because he doesnt seem to want to yet.

December 1, 2005

I know I made a huge mistake, I know that I have committed adultry, I know that I am a terribally bad person for doing this...I know all of that.

that deadbeat husband sounds more terrible than you, scarlet

good luck with the divorce!

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