should i quit hooking up with girls if im interested in finding a relationship?

[Free At Last]

As the leaves turn and the air becomes somewhat chilled.... I have started to have these strange new thoughts enter my head: 'Maybe I should settle down into a relationship now that winter is on its way'. This seems to be a natural thing - I notice that there is a trend of couples getting together in the fall and breaking up in the spring. Can't mess with biology I guess...

 

As this is happening, I have a few 'part time' lovers. None of these relationships are going to go anywhere, but they fill a need. I enjoy them, and am not likely to become emotionally attached. But for some reason I feel like maybe I should cut them off while I look around for 'the right one'.

 

I'm really serious about creating a good relationship with someone who has long term potential. I don't see this as a moral question... morally I am comfortable continuing my fwb situations until the right one comes along.

 

My question is more... by having friends with benefits am I hindering myself from my goal in a way that I might not see? Will it get in the way of me being able to find and be attractive to the person I want to be with when I find her?

[brittanyjean259]

if nothing is going any where with these ladies, than whats the point...yeah you get" what you want...." but if you are looking for a lady who can show you real meaning to" sex" haha....than yeah i think itd be nice for you to stop with these girsl.

 

youll be more prepared for your new relationship( when you get one)....and when you find someone you really do like, you could regret some of those things you did with those girls...( not that most guys do)....

[Free At Last]

Hi Britanny...

 

In what ways will I be more prepared? And I consider intimacy a need, not a want.... I'm getting what I need now - thats the foundation of my relation to these women. Its a mutual benefit.

 

I'm pretty sure I won't regret having been with these women when I do make the transition into a more fulfilling relationship. I think of these women in a positive way - I learn from them and I enjoy their company. In a small way, I am a better person for the time spent with them.

 

Is there a reason that I should remove them from the equation? I feel like there might be but I can't find it.

[Lishy]

why are these girls suitable for you to have sex with but not as a LTR? Just curious!

[Free At Last]

My standards for a sexual partner vs life partner are very different things. Also, I find it much easier to find people that I am sexually compatible with than relationship compatible. Isn't that normal?

[Lishy]

explain to me why you wouldnt choose you f-buddies as life partners?

 

No you are not wrong I am just curious

[Free At Last]

Hi Lishy...

 

First, I don't consider them 'f-buddys'. They are genuine friendships which work at the level we maintain them - informal, non-expecting, and geared towards fulfilling our needs. I value the women I spend time with, and am thankful for their generosity of spirit in all circumstances. Although it is based on sex, there is always more to it.

 

While we are compatible on some levels, I don't see the overall arc of our interests, directions or values to be aligned enough to make it worth persuing on a larger scale. Whether it is a good thing or not, I think I get a pretty strong idea quite soon after meeting someone as to whether I see them as a good match for me.

 

Of course, I want the best overall match that I can have... and I don't see that in these relationships.

[Yamaha]

How do these women feel about you?

 

Women can and do get more emotionally attached to guys that they have sex with and are you concerned about this possibility?

 

Yes, it is much harder to find someone with whom you want a LTR. The problem might be that these casual relationships might be clouding your ability to bond and become emotionally committed.

[Free At Last]

Yamaha... I love your little picture! Is that Yogananda? Anyway, cool

 

I am continuing to learn about how best to not put a woman in an emotionally compromising position. I think there is a balance between the magic of ambiguity and the safety provided by making clear cut statements about intention. Yes, I have had part time girls become emotionally involved. I have had fwb's who saw me as the solution to their problems.

 

It is my opinion that the girls who did this were grasping for something larger than me. The fact that they saw a viable relationship in what we shared, and overlooked our overall incompatibilities speaks more to me of someone who is desperate for the idea of being loved than someone who is investing themselves in me for the right reasons. And that's ok - we're all learning.

 

Sometimes this could have been avoided if I had insisted on laying out the terms in black and white. But for the most part whether I told them that or not, they would have continued on the same path.

 

I don't like being seeing people hurt, so I try to use some judgement. I try my best not to hurt anyone. For the most part, it works.

 

I am very interested in this idea of my casual relationships possibly clouding my ability to become committed or bond. On an intellectual level, I don't see this happening with me. But maybe on an instinctual level it might cause me to miss what I'm looking for? I'm not saying this has happened, I'm just curious if other people think this might be the case.

[Mary3]

They are good enough to f*** but not have a relationship with ?

[Free At Last]

Yes. Not a partner relationship anyway. But I wouldn't say 'not good enough'. I'd say not well matched enough. You seem offended.... I'm not running around breaking hearts - I don't see the problem.

[d'Arthez]

Yes, but who says your "true love" does see this behavior not as troublesome? You can rationalize easily that she would not be your "true love", but you could do a similar thing on whether or not to condone / approve FWB.

 

Consensual relationships can be looked at by outsiders as using someone for sex, money, food, and what not. Sometimes after a breakup one of the partners looks at relationships in similar fashions too.

 

I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this behavior. But it may appear to be wrong to the woman you would have longed for to get in a LTR. She may not have the same moral standards on such issues, as you are displaying now.

 

Would you mind if your LTR woman had been with say 40 guys in the past 5 years?

[Brittanyjean06]

if thats how you feel about these girls...

 

than you already answerd your own question.

 

 

im giving you advice on my behalf

 

but it sounds like you will be fine staying with these girls, when trying to find a one to settle down with, and thats fine!

[Mary3]

The pitfalls of FWB are that one of those girls COULD get hurt by developing feelings for you.

 

FWB's are fine for the person who wants *effortless sex* like you are getting .

 

Offended ? Not,..Why are you here posting about this though ? Either keep milking the cow and getting all the Vitamin D you can for free or get a relationship.

 

Does that sound too hard ? Too expensive ? Too challenging ?

 

Keep your sex buddies and you wont have to wonder here why you need some condonement on a public forum for your own actions.