lottie Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Here's my sad tale: We met on craigslist. He posted an amazing, sensitive, literate ad which made me knew he was someone I wanted to be with. His wife had just left him about a month before we met; he has a little girl, and his heart was broken to not be living with her. Then, we fall in love. Immediately, we start spending every night together. He can't stand to spend the night away from me. Fast forward ten months later. We're still together, tight as can be. But he hasn't made any move to divorce his wife, and I haven't met his daughter because the wife doesn't want me to. I move a few hours away for a job that I can't pass up. Two months later. We break up because I can't stand the strain of waiting for him to get divorced and the fact that he hasn't introduced me to his daughter yet. We're still in love. He just feels like he "can't do it." He has to get his life in order and deal with his divorce, and it's not right to make me wait. Five days after our breakup: He posts and ad on craigslist, finds a new woman, and spends two days and two nights with her. Five days later (today): I find out about the new woman. He tells me he was "sexually lonely" and just "needed someone to hold him" and some "intimacy" and that it was "too hard" not being able to see me every day. It's a "man thing," he tells me. He's not going to fall in love with her, he assures me. My question to you, dear readers: Have I been had? I feel used. I feel like he came to me for a warm body to support him after his divorce, and I took him in and took care of him, and once I moved away and he couldn't have me next to him every night, boom, a new woman. Suposedly we broke up because he needed to get his divorce in order, but now...nothing, he's repeating the cycle with a new woman. How do I deal with feeling like I've been cheated on, even though we broke up? Is it really just a "man thing" to not even wait until the corpse is cold to be going and finding the next one? The very weird thing is that our relationship was not really over when we broke up. I know, because I've had breakups where I was so sure that it was over, that moving on the next day would have been perfectly reasonable. But this was different -- we were still in love, still actively in love, but had reached an impasse that required us to be apart to solve.... Dear readers, what the hell happened?
SmoochieFace Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Sorry to be blunt but here goes... He used you. He is an a**h***. He will continue to do this thing because he doesn't care about women - they are nothing more than sexual playthings to him - and also because he doesn't care about himself. He has no self-respect and he cannot respect other people as a consequence.
Outcast Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 What Smoochie said. He's a liar and a user and a con and you got conned. Don't feel bad about it - they con people because they're good at it. Don't regret it, though. Just be glad you're rid of him!
SmoochieFace Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Consider this a learning experience and we ALL go through those - male AND female. This doesn't make you a *bad* person - it makes you human like the rest of us. You will do better next time.
mazza32cott Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 Sounds EXACTLY like my story, read my post and see the similarities. Was he living with you? You mentioned 10 months and then another 10 months. How long were you together? Maz
Author lottie Posted November 19, 2005 Author Posted November 19, 2005 Maz - Your story does sound similar. The difference is that he's been very honest (painfully honest) with me about what he's doing, and now he's in a different city so there's no question of him stopping by for a chat and some sex. But, my story continues...after a few tormented phone conversations and email exchanges today, he sent me a long message saying that he had emailed his wife to tell her either she had to give him a divorce so he could marry me, or let him move back in with her so he could live as a family with his daughter. He told me, "I don't want to make you feel like you're the second choice." This latest turn of events is just totally surreal. It's sort of a relief, though, because at least he's made a step towards resolving things with his wife. I almost hope she'll take him back. No matter what, we're through for the time being. I'd say I'd stick around to see if he straightens himself out, but I know that he's just going to glom on to another woman -- whether its the one he slept with last week, or another one, he just can't be alone.
mazza32cott Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 Sounds like he's messed up just like mine was. How can you be sure of his honesty? Sounds like he's still into his wife and if she would have him back that's where he'd go. He's obviously not being honest about his feelings to you. I know it's hard but maybe you need to move on. Harder to do than say I know. Maz
Author lottie Posted November 19, 2005 Author Posted November 19, 2005 Well, I woke up this morning with the clarity that this situation was just completely intolerable now, worse than it had been when we were together as a couple. So I wrote him an email telling him that it was 100% over, over, over. Thanks so much for your blunt advice on this thread -- although I don't think he is consciously conning me, that was the result. You definitely helped me be stronger, and reading other people's stories helped me gain objective perspective about my own. And Maz...dump the bastard! Here's the email I sent, if you're intererested: Dear X, I've slept on it, and upon waking, I realized with clarity that I am right back smack in an intolerable situation. Now, not only am I in the position of waiting around to see if you decide to divorce your wife, but I am also in the position of waiting around to see if you decide to stop making love to that other woman or whoever else you take up with in your city to assuage your loneliness while I'm away. Because I simply can't believe (and you seemed to agree yesterday) that you will not fall in love with the women you sleep with, you've now effectively asked me to deal with the reality of you being in not one, but two other relationships besides me. This simply cannot be. Nor do I feel like I have the strength or the right, really, to demand that you don't see anyone else in your city while I'm away -- and most importantly, I don't know if I really trust that you would comply. (You already told me as much in one of your emails that you refused to give up sexual satisfaction, and in all our conversations yesterday you never convincingly said you would stop seeing her. Only you know what's in your heart and plans, but I'm pretty sure you're looking forward to returning to her bed as soon as you get back to New York.) Even if you did agree not to see anyone, I'm sure that I would always be in pain wondering if you were really out with another woman when you didn't answer my calls. And finally, even if you do decide to split from your wife, you and I both know that we can't be together while you're in the process of doing that, and it could take months especially if she remains recalcitrant. So in summary, here's the position I'm in: waiting for you to leave your old love, and hoping you don't love your new love more than me. Even if this situation only last two weeks or two days, it's far too much for you to ask of me. I have to make a clean break from this intolerable situation. So, we are 100% broken up. I'm not going to put any artificial limits on whether I'll talk to you or email you or see you, because those just increase the pressure, but I am going to try to break the habit of emotionally depending on you. I don't know what will happen in the future; of course it's possible that you'll get divorced and we'll be together again. The step you've taken with your wife yesterday was not in vain -- you needed to either go back to her, or break with her so you could be with someone else. I only mourn that you did not realize this last year before we met, that our relationship didn't motivate you to take that step for me sooner. The painful, soul-wrenching irony of this for me is that now I fear, a sickening fear, that I'm driving you into the arms of another woman. So be it.* There is absolutely no other way for me right now. Or for us. I love you. Lottie *To be clear, I am not giving you my blessing to be with that woman. I think you are making a grave mistake.
westernxer Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 I met a girl off Craigslist who was in the same situation as your ex. I didn't stick around very long, that's for sure. Too weird for my taste.
Author lottie Posted November 19, 2005 Author Posted November 19, 2005 Hey Westernxer - Well, you made the right choice! I think there's something about women, though, that makes them want to take care of and fix up men, so even if it's objectively obvious that it's a BAD IDEA to get involved with someone on the rebound, we do it anyway because we pity them, like to feel needed by them, that we're their savior. I, however, hope to never make this mistake again! Also, EVERY man I met on craigslist was either 1) strange or 2) extremely recently separated his wife. I got a lot of good stories out of it, but probably not worth it in the end...
westernxer Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 Also, EVERY man I met on craigslist was either 1) strange or 2) extremely recently separated his wife. I got a lot of good stories out of it, but probably not worth it in the end... Craigslist is full of weirdos, probably because it's free. Check out the L.A. section.... it's scary. I still browse the W4M occasionally, but usually end up laughing at what is posted. Half the ads are from guys ranting about the women, the other half from women responding angrily to their rants. Totally hilarious!
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