BrainRightHeartWrong Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 This may be compulsive I am not sure... my recent ex gf ( who I love dearly ) and I have a lot of things in common and I am trying sort of reluctantly wanting to get her out of my system i.e. still want her back! i find when i play a lot of my favourite music that we used to dance to etc. that just brings me such a flooding memory... always will... imagine your favourite music doing this to you! also all my favourite haunts and bars etc. that i have been going to for say 12 years or more are sort of out of bounds, my ex isn't always there but could walk in anytime as thats where I met her a lot of my friends say don't stop going, some say don't if it hurts you, i still don't know what to do, i seen her last Saturday night and it was hard as we didn't say much yet told me on breaking up that i should still come down to the music sessions! confusing! i told her i wouldn't go again as she was there, she was annoyed but i have been when she hasn't been there! anyway to do with association i find it difficult to listen to 1/2 my music ( mainly irish traditional music ) as it justs reminds me of her ( she plays it! ) , i'm trying to think how do I forget about this girl and try and rid my mind of this constant pain, surely the only way i can do it is by having no associations? the only problem is i'm too deeply involved in the music scene here to do this, i was even learning folk guitar and 1/2 the class know her, am i supposed to give all this up too? i am in such a dilemma here folks! i really am confused on what the best way to go about this is!
mini696 Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 I realise it is hard to stop associating things you did with your GF because it brings back so many memories. But dewlling on the pain will only make it a lot worse. You are afraid of seeing her, and you are probably afraid of seeing her there with someone else. But you need to show her you dont care -even though you do- and that you are still living your life without her. Do you have anyone who you could use to rebound? Cos thats one very good way to move on. Dont let your life be controlled by someone else. Easier said than done I know.
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted November 18, 2005 Author Posted November 18, 2005 I realise it is hard to stop associating things you did with your GF because it brings back so many memories. But dewlling on the pain will only make it a lot worse. You are afraid of seeing her, and you are probably afraid of seeing her there with someone else. But you need to show her you dont care -even though you do- and that you are still living your life without her. Do you have anyone who you could use to rebound? Cos thats one very good way to move on. Dont let your life be controlled by someone else. Easier said than done I know. yes i am afraid of seeing her as well as seeing her and knowing she is ok, i do care for her why do i need to show her i don't care? this girl is 33 on Monday, not a child! yes i am still living without her i wouldn't 'use' anyone as a rebound, i just won't do that to someone... nice guys finish last?
Azra Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 I wish I had an answer for you but all I can offer at this time is to stay strong. I keep hearing love songs (country music is full of love songs!) and it's driving me crazy but I can't give up listening to my music. Music is THE thing that calms me and right now I need calmed and distracted. I kinda understand what you are going though but I'm trying to be strong and still not give up what I love. You aren't alone, hope that helps a little bit.
Sami_D Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 I think this sort of thing is harder for some people than others ~ I would definitely say I'm the sort of person who makes strong associations between things (and between people and places, songs and people, etc.). Some of them are so stupid. Not all of them are even sad or emotional. I'll give an example... one day when we were cooking together my friend Francis told me that "you should never slice lettuce, always tear it" (he was a bit of a fusspot ). Anyway, to this day (and I'm talking decades!) I can't put a lettuce on a chopping board without thinking of Francis . You can't go through life without listening to that music you love. And I think that one thing you could do that will help is to put on particular songs when you're having a happy time and feeling strong. Try to re-make good associations with the music that don't involve your ex. Or even just immerse yourself in the music and accept that you're going to feel like hell while it's happening, but eventually the pain will get less. Put yourself through this enough times and eventually you will probably get over the emotional pain and longing that comes along with hearing the music. You'll probably always remember her from time to time when you hear certain songs, but the pain won't come along with it. Hope things get better for you soon.
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 why do i need to show her i don't care? this girl is 33 on Monday, not a child! yes i am still living without her You have to stop thinking about her. When she enters your thoughts, PUSH it out of your head. The less you think of her and the busier you keep, the less you'll care and wonder about her. Focus that energy into writing music...Songs, just pour it out on paper. Isn't that what most musicians do with a broken heart? Venting it out is good, but once it is out of you, don't focus on it - Go on to something else.
alphamale Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 i am in such a dilemma here folks! i really am confused on what the best way to go about this is! I've already voiced my opinions regarding this issue a # of times BRHW. I will not do so again... good luck
SmoochieFace Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 I've already voiced my opinions regarding this issue a # of times BRHW. I will not do so again... good luck Yeah, I suppose the OP will have to slog through almost 7,000 posts to find those wonderful *opinions*... excellent advice, Alpha. You're being true to form as always.
alphamale Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 ... excellent advice, Alpha. You're being true to form as always. you are grossly mistaken SMOOCHIE COOCHIE because you may not be familiar with the ongoing issues between BRHW and his ex-girlfriend. I am quite aware of the history with this issue and have posted on it a number of times and BRHW already knows my stance and opinion.
SmoochieFace Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 SMOOCHIE COOCHIE Awww... look at that. Now he's using terms of endearment. Ain't that sweet! I think he likes me. It's okay, Alpha. I understand.
westernxer Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Cobwebs don't go away unless you sweep them out.
alphamale Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Awww... look at that. Now he's using terms of endearment. actually the context was more of a derogatory one...
SmoochieFace Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 actually the context was more of a derogatory one... :lmao: That's it. Come to Smoochie Coochie. It's okay, Alpha. Really.
alphamale Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 That's it. Come to Smoochie Coochie. f*** that man!
SmoochieFace Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 f*** that man! :lmao: I knew that would get a *rise* outta you! You're just in denial, that's all.
Art_Critic Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 f*** that man! Alpha.. He is like Fly Paper and you touch it and you can't unstick your fingers from it no matter how hard you try.. Pesky Fly Paper
SmoochieFace Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Alpha.. He is like Fly Paper and you touch it and you can't unstick your fingers from it no matter how hard you try.. Pesky Fly Paper I see you wanna turn this into a menage a trois.
Author BrainRightHeartWrong Posted November 29, 2005 Author Posted November 29, 2005 Or even just immerse yourself in the music and accept that you're going to feel like hell while it's happening, but eventually the pain will get less. Hope things get better for you soon. i've read that some therapists suggest this and I have sort of been doing this even though it is painful but its painful anyway, i think if I avoided all associations including beaches we visited, bars we went to, music we listened to, the brand of wine we drank... that is a bit crazy I feel another thing i have been doing lately ( and i've only recently been able to do this after getting laser eye correction i.e. fantastic vision )... every single same colour same ( very popular ) car... i am reading the number plates to see if its her! i did this before in the past but this is ridiculous! suppose its all part of the obsession thing although i even did this when she was with me recently i've thought and thought about breaking total NC but so far i've remained strong! if i met her in the street and spoke to her is that breaking total NC? on Saturday night i was in one of my favorite haunts, she never used to go without me, i noticed the guy she plays exclusively with on Saturdays was there playing, i was worried that she'd be with him so i stayed down the other side of the place on Sunday night I was in the same place for the music and a mutual musician friend of ours didn't even know we were broke up
chocolate_boy Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Yeah the aquantances that still don't know you've split is an ass.. hate it when people ask me "hows ****?" and I'm like "fine I think" then you get that look and awkward moment... argh. I have been the same as you, going places I used to go with her always brings back memories, but I just look at it another way, I'm lucky in the respect that when we were together, she spent all her time over my side of town and we did everything here.. all the restraunts, bars, stores etc. we visited are on my doorstep.. now that might sound like an awful situation as I'm constantly surrounded by reminders.. and it's always a little pain in the heart when you're like "last time I was in here was that day with her... we were sat over there" but then I thought, heck this is MY world, I invited her in... And all these places I had been before I even met her, so while I may have a memory of her and me in a place, I also have memories of being there with friends too and on my own, so it sort of balances it out. When you get a memory of a place, quickly also think of another one when you weren't with her. As for music, I've started listening to drum n bass recently! Aggressive dark stuff... not my usual taste (I like soul!) but it feels good on SO LOUD THE WALLS VIBRATE... f*ck the neighbors (they're her friends now anyway lol)
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