People who are overly clingy ( super high interest' from the start - are they usually using you as a rebound?

[beowulf44]

Real short question and just tryna get some opinions. I'm a guy, and while most of the girls I go out with are pretty normal in terms of communication (aka they have a life like I do), occasionally I'll meet a girl who is super texty from the start.. def moreso than myself.   I know different people have different text styles, and me personally I like to use texting to set up dates mostly esp when I just met someone... perhaps a little bit of banter/get to know yous in btwn dates but really moreso on the minimal side.  But like I said, sometimes I'll meet a girl who will text me numerous times despite us having just met.  They also respond within seconds, etc etc. Its super flattering, but looking back on my dating history I'm starting to realize this is not so much the product of me being a "catch of super high interest" to the girl, but rather it turns out these girls were often texting me so much due to them having recently exited an emotional relationship and feeling a need to 'fill a void' that now exists.  As she feels the need to direct that attachment somewhere, I end up being the recipient of it

 

With that said, Im just wondering.  Is this the most common reason for super high and almost 'abnormal' high interest? Aka its not so much due to "you", but rather due to "them" and their need for affection at the time?  Hopefully this thread makes sense, i just want to recognize this behavior more because these relationships always seem more volatile than others that Ive been in 

 

EDIT: I also feel like these girls tended to bring their ex up more than I would personally do, and idk it just struck me.  Maybe another thing to look out for?

Edited March 4 by beowulf44

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, beowulf44 said:

Is this the most common reason for super high and almost 'abnormal' high interest? Aka its not so much due to "you", but rather due to "them" and their need for affection at the time?

Often, yes. 

They might not always be on the rebound, but they might be rather starved for attention, insecure in your interest in them or otherwise really desperate for a boyfriend. It generally is not a great sign when someone comes on too strongly too soon, in any case. 

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, beowulf44 said:

Real short question and just tryna get some opinions. I'm a guy, and while most of the girls I go out with are pretty normal in terms of communication (aka they have a life like I do), occasionally I'll meet a girl who is super texty from the start.. def moreso than myself.   I know different people have different text styles, and me personally I like to use texting to set up dates mostly esp when I just met someone... perhaps a little bit of banter/get to know yous in btwn dates but really moreso on the minimal side.  But like I said, sometimes I'll meet a girl who will text me numerous times despite us having just met.  They also respond within seconds, etc etc. Its super flattering, but looking back on my dating history I'm starting to realize this is not so much the product of me being a "catch of super high interest" to the girl, but rather it turns out these girls were often texting me so much due to them having recently exited an emotional relationship and feeling a need to 'fill a void' that now exists.  As she feels the need to direct that attachment somewhere, I end up being the recipient of it

 

With that said, Im just wondering.  Is this the most common reason for super high and almost 'abnormal' high interest? Aka its not so much due to "you", but rather due to "them" and their need for affection at the time?  Hopefully this thread makes sense, i just want to recognize this behavior more because these relationships always seem more volatile than others that Ive been in 

 

EDIT: I also feel like these girls tended to bring their ex up more than I would personally do, and idk it just struck me.  Maybe another thing to look out for?

Oh yeah big time, I've often thought about this.

I've realised I seem to have a thing for jilted women, when I fall badly for someone (which isn't very common) on almost every occasion she tells me she was "seeing someone" recently, and when I look at her Instagram there's pictures of her either with the guy or visiting his home city only days or weeks before our first date.

The end result can be a short, intense and volatile relationship where she gives out very mixed feelings of affection and anger, most of which probably don't have anything to do with the new guy but are leftovers from the previous thing which didn't work out.

Edited March 4 by FredEire

[FredEire]

 

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Often, yes. 

They might not always be on the rebound, but they might be rather starved for attention, insecure in your interest in them or otherwise really desperate for a boyfriend. It generally is not a great sign when someone comes on too strongly too soon, in any case. 

Also about this, I was dating a girl over the summer who came on really strongly, made the first move and was always sending cute texts, very keen to meet up etc.

I liked her and enjoyed spending time with her, but I didn't have the same level of feelings. We agreed to be FWB but it ended with her professing she had strong feelings for me and she needed to know if I wanted to get serious with her.

I let her down gently, and only a couple of weeks later her Instagram feed was full of pics of her and some other dude. I realised then that what she wanted was a relationship, not me particularly. So I agree with Expat, this level of high enthusiasm is often just a sign she's desperate for a boyfriend.

In both cases, the common thread is a need to fill the void, either from the guy she lost recently or just a feeling that what's missing in her life is a boyfriend and she needs someone, anyone, ASAP.

Edited March 4 by FredEire

[Wiseman2]

Bringing up exes often is definitely a red flag. So is text tethering. It's not really a good indicator of interest, but rather someone who's bored, has no life and needs a lot of babysitting.  Try to scale back on the texting. 

[smackie9]

Red flag...for multiple reasons. Could be rebound, boredom, low self esteem, ego boost, insecurity, addicted to attention/dopamine boost, control/chase/luring, some kind of mental illness, fear of abandonment. If it doesn't feel right to you, then it's not. That's all you need to know. 

[ShyViolet]

There are a lot of reasons why someone could be overly clingy.  I wouldn't make the generalization that it's always due to having recently gotten out of a relationship.  It could just be that they are insecure, immature, lacking in boundaries, many different things.  The bottom line is that you are right to recognize it as a red flag.  Trust your insincts.

[Alpacalia]

Just worry about whether or not you're interested in the person and if they make you happy. If their texting style or level of interest is not for you, then that's okay.

[basil67]

I was recently separated from my first husband when I met my second.  It was back in the days before text, but I was very enthusiastic.  And yes, I talked about my ex a bit, but generally in terms of comparing how good the present is compared to when I was with him.  And to be fair, both of us were comfortable in mentioning names of exes when it came to the topic of talking about a certain restaurant or travel we'd done.

Yes, some could call it a rebound, but we're still together over thirty years later, so does the label really matter?  

[d0nnivain]

Clingy has little to do with being a rebound.  It's just how some people are.  

When you see this behavior you do need to recognize it as a red flag & step back.  It's not necessarily rebound but it is definitely problematic. 

If you have somebody who mentions their EX too much point that out to them.  Beyond a certain point, everybody has an EX.  A casual mention once in a while is no big deal but more than once or twice a month is a problem.  Even that is a lot.  

[ZA Dater]

On 3/4/2024 at 8:26 AM, beowulf44 said:

Real short question and just tryna get some opinions. I'm a guy, and while most of the girls I go out with are pretty normal in terms of communication (aka they have a life like I do), occasionally I'll meet a girl who is super texty from the start.. def moreso than myself.   I know different people have different text styles, and me personally I like to use texting to set up dates mostly esp when I just met someone... perhaps a little bit of banter/get to know yous in btwn dates but really moreso on the minimal side.  But like I said, sometimes I'll meet a girl who will text me numerous times despite us having just met.  They also respond within seconds, etc etc. Its super flattering, but looking back on my dating history I'm starting to realize this is not so much the product of me being a "catch of super high interest" to the girl, but rather it turns out these girls were often texting me so much due to them having recently exited an emotional relationship and feeling a need to 'fill a void' that now exists.  As she feels the need to direct that attachment somewhere, I end up being the recipient of it

 

With that said, Im just wondering.  Is this the most common reason for super high and almost 'abnormal' high interest? Aka its not so much due to "you", but rather due to "them" and their need for affection at the time?  Hopefully this thread makes sense, i just want to recognize this behavior more because these relationships always seem more volatile than others that Ive been in 

 

EDIT: I also feel like these girls tended to bring their ex up more than I would personally do, and idk it just struck me.  Maybe another thing to look out for?

I would agree with you. In some instances its to do with being lonely, seeking attention to make themselves feel better. Remember by the very art of communication relies on the approach you are giving the other person attention they would not normally have. How you hand this attention in the above scenario is tricky but again if you find the person attractive and enjoy their company then the level of attention you get and why is rather irrelevant is it not?

Frankly if I were you, provided you find the people attractive then you should enjoy the attention, remember each day you will come across people who never get that sort of attention.

[GypsyArcher]

I think someone bringing up their ex when you're just getting to know them is a huge red flag.

Anyone with common sense knows that the person they're just starting to date doesn't want to hear about their exes. It's blatantly rude to do so and they're pretty much telling you off the bat that they're egocentric, in my experience.

 

[Gebidozo]

On 3/4/2024 at 2:26 PM, beowulf44 said:

Real short question and just tryna get some opinions. I'm a guy, and while most of the girls I go out with are pretty normal in terms of communication (aka they have a life like I do), occasionally I'll meet a girl who is super texty from the start.. def moreso than myself.   I know different people have different text styles, and me personally I like to use texting to set up dates mostly esp when I just met someone... perhaps a little bit of banter/get to know yous in btwn dates but really moreso on the minimal side.  But like I said, sometimes I'll meet a girl who will text me numerous times despite us having just met.  They also respond within seconds, etc etc. Its super flattering, but looking back on my dating history I'm starting to realize this is not so much the product of me being a "catch of super high interest" to the girl, but rather it turns out these girls were often texting me so much due to them having recently exited an emotional relationship and feeling a need to 'fill a void' that now exists.  As she feels the need to direct that attachment somewhere, I end up being the recipient of it

 

With that said, Im just wondering.  Is this the most common reason for super high and almost 'abnormal' high interest? Aka its not so much due to "you", but rather due to "them" and their need for affection at the time?  Hopefully this thread makes sense, i just want to recognize this behavior more because these relationships always seem more volatile than others that Ive been in 

 

EDIT: I also feel like these girls tended to bring their ex up more than I would personally do, and idk it just struck me.  Maybe another thing to look out for?

People have different attachment styles. Anxious attachers often exhibit clingy behavior and tend to text a lot, because receiving attention makes them feel more secure. This has little to do with rebounding and such. Just a different type of person.

There is nothing wrong with wanting affection, and nothing wrong with being an anxious attacher and texting a lot, per se. But if you feel stress from that you’d better explain that to her, ask her to cool off a little bit. 

Talking about exes, that’s a whole different issue. Conversations about exes are rarely healthy. If she mentions her ex too much, it might become a real problem. But occasional mentioning of exes is nothing criminal, I think. 

You are right that the way a person communicates sometimes tells you more about that person’s character, needs, and attachment style, than about their feelings for you. But that doesn’t mean there are no feelings or that strong feelings don’t add another level of attachment. She might be an anxious attacher AND she might be genuinely into you.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, GypsyArcher said:

I think someone bringing up their ex when you're just getting to know them is a huge red flag.

Anyone with common sense knows that the person they're just starting to date doesn't want to hear about their exes. It's blatantly rude to do so and they're pretty much telling you off the bat that they're egocentric, in my experience.

 

Everyone is different. Some people do want to know about the exes of people they are interested in. What is certain is that one shouldn’t volunteer to share that information unless prompted.

[SlimShadysWife]

It could also be that you're something new and exciting but afterwhile the excitement fades.

[Lotsgoingon]

It's NEVER about you (or anyone else) being such a good catch. It takes time to know someone to figure out they are a good catch. 

They're texting you before they have enough info to rule you out as a serial killer. Just basic immaturity, desperation, mood disorders, distraction from their own messy lives--none of the reasons is good.