MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 I thought of putting this in the dating forum, but my friendship is more important to me than dating. She and I have been best friends since Jr High. When she met her future husband, I had a fling with his brother (17 yrs ago). Neither of them were happy about it because they thought he was too wild for me, so they say, but to me it was a fling and I didn't expect anything to come of it, plus it was long distance. He moved here shortly after and we both married other people. I separated in Jan and he left his wife in Aug. Mine is amicable, his is going to get very messy. He told his bro and my friend that he wanted to ask me out, so it was arranged and we had a great time. After the "date" my friend gave me the gears about it and said I should NOT date him because of this and that blah blah blah. I told her it was One Date and we are not "dating". She said she knows both of us very well, and both of us open our hearts early in a relationship and nothing good will come of this. There's alot more but the main thing is, and I explained it to her, that it's none of her business. She thinks I am going to secretly date him behind her back. I don't think it's being secretive. I will tell her anything she wants to know as long as it won't get anyone caught in the middle. I usually tell her about all my men, and now I see that I can't because if I do date someone else, it will get back to him. I call this casual dating, and she doesnt' understand it. I know that her BIL doesn't want or need to get into anything serious either, although I do know he is the type to fall easily (and yes, I am too) but my heart is not into this...not yet. She can't figure out why I want to date him. I have my reasons and it's NOT his money (yes, he has it, but his ex is gonna take him to the cleaners). I don't want to lose my best friend. I don't want this to be a train wreck but I've been told it is going to happen. Any advice out there? I have talked with him, and we both agree that we are living for the moment, and making the most of our "dates"....yes, we have had sex.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Unless this guy is the love of your life I say no, don't do it. You do not need the grief with your best friend. Been wondering where you'd been, good to see you again.
totallyconfused Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Friends, especially best friends, should support your decision no matter what unless it physically endangered you. Why is your friend so against it?? Only you are in the situation to say whether the chemistry is strong enough. Your friend seems to be a bit selfish, maybe even jealous? I've had friends tell me guys I've dated are losers, but they support me both when I'm with them and cheer me when I dump them. She can have her own opinions but she can't make them your opinions too!
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 I wouldn't say he is the love of my life, although I've always liked him. It will take time for any guy to become the love of my life. Friends, especially best friends, should support your decision no matter what unless it physically endangered you. Why is your friend so against it?? Only you are in the situation to say whether the chemistry is strong enough. Your friend seems to be a bit selfish, maybe even jealous? I've had friends tell me guys I've dated are losers, but they support me both when I'm with them and cheer me when I dump them. She can have her own opinions but she can't make them your opinions too! I think my friend is a bit jealous because while her husband is a great guy (and the better looking brother) the brother I'm dating has had a lot more success. I sometimes feel as though they don't want to let me into their little family circle, and that is NOT what my intentions are. I have no expectations this time around, and I told her this. We like to talk, me and him...about our situations, our kids, what this feels like. My friends sister (also my long-time friend) says..."tell him to talk to me, i'll talk to him if he wants to talk! lol duh...she doesn't get it either. I guess because it is new, and casual, and not serious, I have been stringing along a couple other guys. One of them is guy#2 from my posts way back in July...the one who has no time for me and it's pretty much done. The 3rd guy is new and I'm scared that I will sleep with him before this is all said and done, and that's just me. This is where there is a problem because I think it's too soon to make a choice as to which guy I want to date exclusively. I know I shouldn't be sleeping with any of them, but oh god it had been soooo long for me!!! I can make things easy on myself....give up on the b-i-l and casually date #3....but not sure he is my type ... he's just good in bed The b-i-l even asked if it was his money I was interested in because both my friend and her hubby feel that's the only reason I would be interested in a guy like him. I said no (and that is the truth) and he said it wouldn't matter because no matter who he dates, he has $$$ and it's useless if he doesn't have anyone to enjoy things with. Ok, I am leaving something out....he didn't treat his wife vey well, he is accused of being an alcoholic and has anger management issues. From the way we talk to each other, and nothing has been said outright, this is my impression, he is working on this. He drinks more water when he goes out, does not drive when he's been drinking (socially) and is in counselling with his family and has admitted to being hard on his kids. Ok...bring it on, i know what you are going to say...
Art_Critic Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Ok, I am leaving something out....he didn't treat his wife vey well, he is accused of being an alcoholic and has anger management issues. From the way we talk to each other, and nothing has been said outright, this is my impression, he is working on this. He drinks more water when he goes out, does not drive when he's been drinking (socially) and is in counselling with his family and has admitted to being hard on his kids. That is more than 3 rows of red flags waving wildly in the breeze.. Good luck with this guy.. How much drama do you need ?? He is loaded with it
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 And...he's the first of 7 guys I've dated since my separation who I did NOT meet on the internet. I've had enough of that!
Art_Critic Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 And...he's the first of 7 guys I've dated since my separation who I did NOT meet on the internet. I've had enough of that! No success stories about internet dating ??
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 Success stories, no. But I have a few good ones
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 Ok so my best friend told me something that happened. I can't bring it up with her b-i-l because he will know that she told me and he will give her hell for it. Another reason I shouldn't be dating him. I also found out something I brought up with him that she told me (he missed a function of his son's to see me one night) he knew it came from her, and his exwife told her, and then he gave his ex-wife hell for an hour. So you see, things get to my best friend from him, and from me, and from his ex-wife. This just isn't going to work, good think my eyes have been open...heart closed. I am taking a break (minimum 3 months) from dating. I have xmas, my kids, my courses, and a few other things going on to keep me busy. I just sent him the break-up email...I know, emails suck, but I'm an hour drive from him and it would be a wasted trip for either of us to meet just to break it off right? I know I did the right thing.... I told him that I needed a break from dating, and do not want to get serious or date with anyone and I sure hope he doesn't take this back to my friend because although she told me what she thought of the whole thing, this was my decision and I'm doing it for nobody but ME.
Art_Critic Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 I just sent him the break-up email...I know, emails suck, but I'm an hour drive from him and it would be a wasted trip for either of us to meet just to break it off right? 10-1 he will be on LS tonight talking about how his GF dumped him by email.. he will get a lot of sympathy..
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 Well he called, and sounded down, so I asked him if he checked his email yet (he is out of town til tonight). He said no, and I said well...and told him I was cancelling for our date tomorrow night, and then told him pretty much everything in my email. He didn't understand, of course, and said it hurt and fed me a whole bunch of what I think he thinks I wanted to hear. So then I start getting wimpy and tell him he can still call me, and we'll talk, but then he said he's not giving up..he really really likes me. I think in a way I told him what he wanted to hear, but when we talk tomorrow, I will have talked to my friend, and will be able to put this away. Ughhh I hate this! I hate dating! I hate wondering "what if". I mean, if he really WAS the one, I would never consider taking a break. Why don't guys get it? When you tell them you need time to yourself it means I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! I could fall for him, but I know what's in store. He's an alcoholic. He can't control his temper. One on one we are great together...but knowing what I know, I can't imagine being around him and his family (my friend). Anything else I can tell him tomorrow? Not to call? He said he won't if I tell him not to. I will also have to tell my best friend not to ever talk to me about him or his divorce or his exwife because I think that is only fair since I am somewhat doing this for her and her sanity. She has told me all about him the last 17 years since I dated him, and it always bugged me why this plain jane married him and yet I always felt I wasn't good enough. I know, that's my own issue.
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