Seeking advice (a very long story).

[Boydrama Magnet]

Hello. I have a very long story for you. You MUST UNDERSTAND that I have a long history with both of the boys mentioned here and I love and have loved both of them very deeply. I have known them both intimately and consider them both the people I have been closest to in my entire life.

 

Ahem. Anyway... story time.

 

When I was thirteen I met a boy online (I'm eighteen now). We'll call him Michael. I developed a huge crush on him right away and jumped into a very satisfying, and actually very successful long distance relationship with him. He was the first boy I ever really had a crush on and we had and still have nearly everything in common and get along wonderfully. He was, and still is, my best friend. We met in person for the first time when I was fifteen and shared our first kisses.

 

Right before we met for the first time, I was so curious about his life. I wanted to know all of the people he knew and feel actively involved in his life. I wanted to get to know his friends! And now, dear readers, this is where who we will call Jim comes on. I first started chatting with Jim the summer before I met Michael. We became very close friends right away! I just loved talking to him and we clicked so well that it was a joy to get to know him.

 

Unfortunately, since Michael and I were only fifteen and immature at the time, we didn't want to let anyone know that we had an "internet relationship." Recall that during the last five years the stigma on internet relationships has been watered down and since we were so young our parents and the people we knew would obviously protest this. We met in the guise of 'just friends' and that guise was extended for quite some time.

 

Jim didn't know we were in a relationship, either. Now, after talking with Jim for a few months and becoming his friend, I noticed that he was getting flirty. I could tell that he had a crush on me, and I admit, I didn't dislike this attention but I stayed strong and shyed away. Eventually I couldn't bear the guilt anymore and told him soon after Michael and I met.

 

Poor Jim was heartbroken. I assumed it was just a little crush and that he'd get over it with time. Boy, was I wrong.

 

The months continuing into my sixteenth year were unmemorable. Jim seemed to be doing okay. We were still very close friends. Sometimes I gathered that he still liked me a little bit, but I wasn't sure and so I ignored it in hopes that he'd get over me and find happiness elsewhere.

 

In the meantime, my relationship with Michael was going wonderfully. I was still very in love with him.

 

During the summer that I was sixteen, I spent a week at Michael's family's house. This time I met Jim. He was, I admit, attractive. We had an awesome time that week, doing fun group stuff like going to Six Flags and such. I noticed that Jim sat next to me during almost every ride and movie.

 

After meeting Jim, our friendship intensified. We had always been close, but at this point we were talking on the phone more often. Sometimes when I fell asleep on the line with him I would wake up to an "I love you" before he hung up, assuming I couldn't hear. My heart went out to this boy.

 

After a while, he grew depressed over the situation. He would even cry... I comforted him as best a friend could. Even if I was the object of his affections, I was determined to cheer him up and be as good a friend as I could be without being unfaithful. This was the period of time where I was closest to Jim. He is truly a beautiful person and I wanted so badly to make things better for him, but I couldn't without hurting another boy that I loved.

 

Although I was never physically unfaithful to Michael, I was mentally unfaithful. I loved two boys at the same time and as if that didn't confuse me enough it only got worse.

 

The winter of that same year I was at Michael's family's house again. Only this time, I had promised Jim a walk. Walking is something both Jim and I love to do and since Michael doesn't care for walking, particularly at night (both Jim and I prefer nightwalks) it seemed okay to go out with him for a while.

 

Jim and I had a long, wonderful walk. We talked, joked, had a lovely time until the end. I could see the hurt in his eyes, so I gave him a hug and told him he'd be okay. I told him that I wasn't worth all of this and asked him why he would do this to himself. He put his hand on my head, looked me straight in the eye, and told me "Because everything about you is just so... beautiful."

 

I was taken aback by this. I just stared at him and felt miserable and wonderful at the same time. I was in love with him, but there was nothing I could do about it.

 

When I went back home, I was depressed for quite some time in all of this guilt. I am diagnosed with chronic depression, too, so at this time it would have been safe to say that I had the rare phenomenon of "double depression," which is a terrible thing that I hope no one else has to deal with. Under all of this pressure, I broke up with Michael, saying that I was just too confused and guilt-ridden to be in a relationship at the time. Luckily, Michael is a wonderful person and so he did not make this part difficult for me. We remained friends.

 

Jim and I kept talking, only our friendship intensified further. He was truly heartbroken, too, since his unrequited love was fresh on his mind. This state continued on into the spring I turned seventeen, just last year. Eventually I broke down and confessed that I loved him. Even though we didn't get the chance to express our love in any physical manner (not even a kiss,) we were unofficially 'together' for a time. I made him extremely happy. I had never seen him so elated.

 

After a couple of months of this, though, I began to feel guilty for leaving Michael. I did still love him. I told Jim that I couldn't maintain this state and that I couldn't be more than friends with him anymore and that it wasn't right of me to leave Michael. I felt miserable for once more crushing the feelings of the boy that had pined over me for the past year and a half, but I had to do it.

 

I got back together with Michael the late spring of last year and sadly completely lost contact with Jim. At first I was angry with him, very angry. I hated him, even. Looking back I don't even know why, other than that I was hurt and it was easier to hate than be sad. I almost completely forgot about Jim for the next year.

 

It wasn't until this year, the year I turned eighteen, that Jim became an issue again. I finally moved closer to Michael and Jim's hometown (before I was eight hours away and I am now one hour away) for college and so I am naturally in their town more often.

 

When I moved, I started having dreams. The first one terrified me because I hadn't so much as thought of Jim in the past year and some months, and when I did, all of those repressed memories kept flooding back. I started having recurring dreams about him, almost nightly, for weeks. After a while I broke down and took it as a hint from my subconscious to contact him again.

 

I finally did. It was awkward and frightening. He was distant and quiet. It broke my heart to know that the boy I had once loved now seemed cold, but I expected it and decided to work harder at it to get to know him again, to make amends.

 

We continued talking, and although he was still distant and different, things got better. We became okay friends again, which made me happy. We were nowhere near the best friends we had once been, but I felt better knowing him again. My feelings for him began to resurface. This time, though, as he informed me, he had a girlfriend.

 

I ignored my feelings for him because I knew that not only would they be unrequited this time, but that they were wrong and that we both had relationships to tend to.

 

Meanwhile, my relationship with Michael was going downhill. He wasn't treating me like his girlfriend, but rather some novelty buddy who would cuddle. My relationship with him got staggeringly less sexual (I've never engaged in intercourse but we still did stuff) and more platonic. I was very unhappy with my relationship with him.

 

Michael took me to his senior homecoming dance. It was terrible to watch Jim and his girlfriend dancing together. I'll spare you the details of the dance, but as I watched him, I realized that my feelings weren't going away. After the dance, when our group watched a movie in my friend's basement, I hid from the crowd and cried. Michael sought me out and comforted me, another friend sought me out and comforted me, and lastly, Jim came back. He stayed longer than the others, though. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head and calmed me down. We went back to the movie as if nothing happened.

 

Afterwards I knew that I owed Jim an explanation. I told him that I had strong feelings for him. He asked me if he thought they were just lust. It seemed probable at the time that he was right and I told him that. He then told me that he still was very attracted to me, and still cared for me as a friend. He said he'd be willing to do anything to help me.

 

I should also mention that my feelings for him caused a lot of stress. I started seeing a counselor, not only to cope with my dysthymia, but with the situation.

 

I broke up with Michael.

 

My friendship with Jim soon got very heated. We started talking very sexually and romantically. The next time I was in town, I visited him... alone.

 

We made out and did a few other things... but the important thing is that it was the most perfect connection I had ever felt with a human being. Michael had never kissed me like that before. Everything he did felt like it had so much energy, love, intention. I suppose that's expected after pining for me for nearly three years, but still, it was amazing. I honestly think I am in love with him again.

 

Unfortunately, I am the other woman in this situation. He's been with his girlfriend for nearly six months and says that he adores her. But when I ask him about her and why he talks and acts so intimately with me if he loves her, he says "Well, yes... but you're you."

 

After a while I am upset with this situation and feel lonely so I go back to Michael just for the security. Jim says that this isn't a good thing, because I'm going back for the wrong reasons and that I should be in a relationship because it makes me happy. This is true, but I know that I make Michael happy... and passion is expected to run out after five years together, right? I don't know what to do...

 

Right now it looks like we might both be cheating... We want to see eachother this weekend and time alone with him can only result in one thing leading to another. Help. I really don't know what to do.

 

Advice? By the way... if you actually read all of this, I appreciate it.