teethbrushes Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 I talked to my ex, who dumped me, who wanted to remain friends. I said I would let him know when I was ready. Its been 10 months and for most of that time, we've said nothing to each other, and we finally had a talk. He told me he really enjoyed being around me and hearing about what I've been doing since I we've been broken up. He told me he wanted me to come to all of these things he's at, but he didn't want to be too quick to call us friends or go out and do things together. He said it would be accurate to say we're both having issues seperating seeing each other as friends and as romantic partners. I'm kind of confused. If he dumped me and he's apparently been moved on for such a long time and wanted to be friends, why is this so difficult. He said at first that he never romantically missed me, but then he admitted sometimes he did, but not very often because he knows I've changed (which I said a long time ago, not him)....but then I just don't understand why we can't be friends?
francis Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 don't fall into the 'rock and a hard place' i am in...its frustrating, sad, and confusing my ex and i maintain an email friendship (as he lives on the other side of the world) he writes to me wanting to share all the stuff he goes through, what's happening in his life, wants to know what i am doing, what i am up to. when i mention our relationship, he refers back to it as 'amazing' and says he is very lucky. but for now, nothing. no romantic mention of anything from him. but the 'friendship' continues. i dont understand it, i keep emailing him to support him. that's my failing i think. because he hasnt lost anything apart from the romantic urges towards me. being nice never gets you anywhere, but a penpal! some may say its good to be on good terms with your ex, but deep down, i am not his friend. and he isnt mine. not really. not after the way he treated me before. i guess i still care for him and that is why i stay in touch. but that i care is my downfall. i think i am a soft touch and he is being selfish. coz he gets all the support from me, and yet promises me nothing.
In Sync Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 May I put in my two cents. I experience this after he dumped me "he offered his friendship." I now understand why and respect doing NC. If you were close to someone, loved them and were heartbroken because they dumped you...maintaining a friendship with them (especially if you are not fully recovered and recovery my friend can take a hell of a long time...) it is a constant reminder to your own heart that you are not together, now if you are capable of handling that maintain the friendship...but as francis, pointed out..it really isn't friendship. I mean think about it, if he started talking about his presnt girlfriend..would you get uncomfortable or be supportive. That's the real test. Because a true friend would be supportive of his new girlfriends, as well as all other things that may remind you of what you had together. I am facing the difficult part of moving away. There's no more contact between us. It comes with alot of resistance crying frustration and whys...but I now see why I especially need NC and respect the principle behind it.
Author teethbrushes Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 i'm confused. i'm ready to be a friend to him. I guess i'm confused as to why he couldn't be a friend to me when he when we first broke up, he wanted to stay friends, but now he can't handle it. Its weird.
wahaha1 Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Totally agree with Francis and Insync. I am currently in this situation and I really want to get myself out of this situation. I maintained contact with him, I offered to remain friend with him. The contact could be as frequent as daily emails, several phone calls a week. Everything seemed to go well, sometimes maybe better than before, we had intimate chats too. One day, he told me about his new gf, I was crushed, but then I managed to keep him as "friend" and accept the reality. I still gave him my support, my care and even my heart, but I just had my broken heart in return. I used to think I can managed this, but I over-estimated myself. After some more days, he told me his gal was proposing to him.., he thought he might marry her. I was totally devastated...., I couldn't bear this anymore..., I felt that I was being used. This is NOT a friendship, a friendship will not have this kind of jealousy inside. This is just nothing, yes, I mean NOTHING. I truly think a friendship immediately after breakup is not possible. And a friendship with ex after a long period of breakup (years) is not necessary at all.
Fallen_Angel Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 I know this is going to come off as a bitter rant, but... IT'S A COP OUT!!!!! Believe me, I heard the lines from my ex when he broke up with me. "I want us to be friends." "I want to help you through this." "I can't imagine not having you in my life." These words are meant to soothe you whilst he rips your heart, your dreams and your world entirely into pieces. You don't need to be second best. You don't need to allow him to have all the advantages of knowing you WITHOUT dating you. Face it, you want him to eventually come to his senses, right? I know that's what I want at this point (still! UGH!), so I cut off all contact with my ex. It's killing me, but I have to do it. The only thing worse than this would be pretending to be his friend while secretly hoping he'll change his mind. A true "friend" wouldn't break your heart. It's that simple.
TUDOR Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Lets see if someone broke up with me because I wasn't good enough to be their boyfriend but then I am good enough to be their friend, why would I feel like I just got handed a second place trophy? You shouldn't go backwards in life or you wind up where you already were. Being friends is going backwards and not progress. Friends is just a coping method to make you think that it wasn't all for nothing. The end result is it will continuely pull off the scab that has formed from the break up and you will constantly be reliving the failed relationship all in the name of being friends.
In Sync Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Both Tudor and Fallen_Angel made excellent points. In fact I was just reading something to the same effect, The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, "No, thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere...Anyone who assesses you and your relationshp as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears." Now really HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED HIS FRIENDSHIP? I screwed myself royally by falling for that line about being friends, because my denial made me think, he'll change and want me back, no I was a source to boost his ego, he continued to flaunt his attraction to other females and my self esteem plummeted. Which delayed and delayed my healing process. I repeat if you were not in love with this guy when he broke it off, you are not risking reopening a wound, but if it there was love involved on your part don't delude yourself into thinking you'll be ok with this by feigning a surreal friendship.
Author teethbrushes Posted November 18, 2005 Author Posted November 18, 2005 i'm thoroughly confused by your responses because none of them seem to have anything to do with what i even said.
mini696 Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 i'm thoroughly confused by your responses because none of them seem to have anything to do with what i even said. Angel said it right. He lied to you when he said he wanted to remain friends, he obviously didn't have what he wanted in the relationship so broke up with you. It didn't mean it was easy for him to do so. He doesn't really want to be friends with you, he wants to keep you on the backburner, he wants to let you down easially, he wants you to feel like he doesn't hate you. But he still has feelings for you which come flooding back when you are near him. He is toying with you. He enjoys hearing about what you are doing becaue the reality is better than the things he makes up and thinks you might be doing. He wants to hear from you that you are still single, and aren't sleeping with anyone else because he thinks he owns you still. He is trying to let you down gently by keeping you stringing along with a possibility of remaining close.
In Sync Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 i'm thoroughly confused by your responses because none of them seem to have anything to do with what i even said. oops sorry teethbrushes, did I miss interpret your original post? I'm kind of confused. If he dumped me and he's apparently been moved on for such a long time and wanted to be friends, why is this so difficult. He said at first that he never romantically missed me, but then he admitted sometimes he did, but not very often because he knows I've changed (which I said a long time ago, not him)....but then I just don't understand why we can't be friends? I thought you were questioning why you can't be friends as if in meaning why is it not possible to be friends even after everything that had happened between you and ex, including passage of time. I thought the responses kind of dealt with both sides of it anyway. If I misunderstood your question, disregard my posts...it simply doesn't apply to your situation.
Author teethbrushes Posted November 18, 2005 Author Posted November 18, 2005 i didn't get the response i was looking for here, I really don't understand what any of you are trying to say. He's stringing me along? WTF? He doesn't want to be friends, but he wants to hang out, but he never asks about romantic interests, etc. He just said he simply could not be friends at this moment, but he IS friends with all of his other exes. I don't understand what is meant by toying with me if we'd established we weren't getting back together mutually. I guess I'll put this topic to rest because I feel like I'm getting a lot of weird answers to my question that have nothing to do with reality. I don't want to be with him romantically and he offered me friendship at first and then decided it was not want he wanted, but NC is virtually impossible because of our situation. Wow, this is really weird. I ask why he can't be friends with me after being so adament about it, and I get "Don't be friends with him!!! OMG! He's using you!!!!"....WTF?
Fallen_Angel Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 I mean think about it, if he started talking about his presnt girlfriend..would you get uncomfortable or be supportive. That's the real test. Because a true friend would be supportive of his new girlfriends, as well as all other things that may remind you of what you had together. That's the bottom line. Say you're ready to be friends with him until you're blue in the face, but the true test is how you react if/when he says he's with someone new. If you feel even the smallest hint of jealousy, you're not completely over him and there's no way you can have an actual friendship. If he's sending out mixed signals (yes I miss you/no I don't), then apparently he's confused and he doesn't want to confuse things further by spending time with you. I don't know if any of us have been able to easily segue from being lovers to friends after a serious relationship. I know that's a broad generalization, but that's just how I feel. I'm sure you can lay down the law and SAY you've put your feelings to rest, but do you seriously mean it? I think that's what we're all getting at with our responses. We're all trying to make sure you don't hurt yourself further.
In Sync Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 i didn't get the response i was looking for here, I really don't understand what any of you are trying to say. He's stringing me along? WTF? He doesn't want to be friends, but he wants to hang out, but he never asks about romantic interests, etc. He just said he simply could not be friends at this moment, but he IS friends with all of his other exes. I don't understand what is meant by toying with me if we'd established we weren't getting back together mutually. I guess I'll put this topic to rest because I feel like I'm getting a lot of weird answers to my question that have nothing to do with reality. I don't want to be with him romantically and he offered me friendship at first and then decided it was not want he wanted, but NC is virtually impossible because of our situation. Wow, this is really weird. I ask why he can't be friends with me after being so adament about it, and I get "Don't be friends with him!!! OMG! He's using you!!!!"....WTF? Whoooooooooooa, why all the hostility....Take a look at your earlier post and how it was written and pharsed. The only misundertanding was in your wording which wasn't clear. Obviously it came out to those of us who responded in a certain way because of the way you put in the question. Don't attack the messengers we were offering our advise and opinions..this is a free country and do as you please. But from your description be friends with him DO IT...I ENCOURAGE IT....
seachange Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Hey teeth. I guess I understand the original question you asked, but I can also see where the confusion came from...reading between the lines, it could be read as though you're basically wondering whether he doesn't want to be friends anymore because he might not be completely over you. Yes? No? If that's what you are wondering, then the advice from all these people applies - in other words, whether or not he's over you doesn't mean he wants you back, and if you're even wondering about this enough to ask about it, you might still be susceptible to that. In other words, if you're still a little curious about getting back with him, then don't be friends. That's what everyone's saying, I think. If that wasn't what you're asking, then I don't know. I don't know why he changed his mind, except that he's probably not completely over you and it could take longer than 10 months for you both to be over each other. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to start over again. It doesn't notmean that. Either way, it sounds like drama that you don't need, especially if, as you said, you don't want him back anyway. So I think the answer is still the same - don't go out of your way to be friends.
Author teethbrushes Posted November 18, 2005 Author Posted November 18, 2005 I think you still like this guy. A lot. think what you will. I was just confused and wondering if it was possible to relike someone again or not be over them...I don't know. For my own ego I guess.
seachange Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Yeah, I get that that's what you were wondering...most people here are just trying to caution you not to bother wondering about it, because that way often lies madness. It would be nice, ego-wise, to think someone who broke up with you now might want you back (lord knows I'd like to think that). And yeah, he could be having a relapse, in the sense that he misses you at times and isn't crazy about hearing about your love life. But even if he is, it could still be dangerous for you to start wondering about it and risk getting emotionally involved again - because it still doesn't necessarily mean he'll want to rekindle your romance. People get jealous and possessive of exes all the time without wanting them back. Anyway, that's why everyone's saying what they're saying. Sounds like it's too soon for you guys to be friends - on either side. And he recognizes that, which is probably a good thing. My 2 cents. Edited to add - oh, and as for why he might have wanted to be friends the first go-round but not now...could be he's now just remembering the rosy times and not the reasons you guys broke up...but those could still be there, too. Perhaps he dated someone in the meantime and it didn't work out? That sort of thing can also paint a relationship with a rosier glow in hindsight.
westernxer Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 I was just confused and wondering if it was possible to relike someone again or not be over them...I don't know. I think you should focus more on your school work.
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