Cupcake Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 How can I ease my man's stress when he's so far away from me? Lately, he hasn't been sleeping well. He calls me some nights when he can't sleep. I can hear the stress in his voice by the words and tone. I just don't know what to do for him. Perhaps the fact that I am available to talk to him is enough, but it seems like there should be something else. Talking about the things that make him stressed is sooo wrong. I tried that tonight and it seemed to make him more stressed when he wasn't able to explain it to me. Are there any special things I should say to him? Or any special conversations to ease a stressful time?
Art_Critic Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Nothing wrong with some phone sex.. Providing you are both into it.. It isn't the same as the real thing but it can help bring closness in a LDR.
Author Cupcake Posted November 18, 2005 Author Posted November 18, 2005 but lately, he hasn't even been in the mood for phone sex. I tried it last night and he wasn't responsive at all. So I didn't continue with it. I was afraid he might think I wasn't concerned about his state of being. I'm just hoping to get advice from people who may be, or have been in, similar situations.
sleeplessincnd Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 Just reassure him that you are there for him and that you are not going to cause him any more stress. If he says he doesn't want to talk about then don't push him. I have a very stressfilled man at home and it is just best to talk about other things and constantly reassure him that you are there for him. May not seem like a lot but it does help. Good luck
LifeBound Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 If his stress is work related he needs to chill out a bit. Stress and anxiety are huge factors that affect your health, no matter what the cause. I personally have a huge tendency to stress over a lot of things, especially if i can't fix them right there and then. I mean heck, right now I am trying to think of things to say to help and my heart starts racing b/c i am getting over-anxious b/c i want to help but i don't have the answer with a snap of my finger. We all deal with it differently. I have learned how to control it greatly and not let it affect me but it is a hard thing to deal with sometimes. Especially for him, if it is work related and he has that stereotypical male mindset about work and money..... tsk tsk. A good book i would buy him is as a gift is: How To Stop Worrying And Start Living by Dale Carnegie. It is a real good read and is far from being some dull boring analysis. It was probably the first step I had in just chilling out and seeing the need to relax (besides my gf always telling me) and it might help. It might seem cheesy, or like something he would be against or perhaps even totally offended about, but if he loves you, i am sure he would do it for the sake of love. Because u do care obviously and relationships are a 2 way street. moving on... sometimes me and my fiance, who lives 7000 miles away have the best of times online or on the phone, we seem like the happiest people in the world and that we should be skipping through meadows holding daisies and giggling like children. And then sometimes the clouds come and the darker side of reality storms in and we get real depressed about the distance between us, not to mention that life outside of our relationship is just generally hectic and full of problems (as it is for everyone). Sometimes i ask her not to even send me a picture (or substitute phone sex if you like for your case), especially one intended for me alone, strictly because it just reminds me how far apart we are and i just get about it. And she totally understands and we get through it. And then the next day we just pick up our daisies where we had dropped them and continue on. And i ask her for not 1 but 30 pictures of her doing naked cartwheels on the bed. the biggest peice of advice i can probably give you is that remember, although you definitely have a responsibility to help him through things, he has just as much responsibility to learn to deal with it and to not make your life a living h*ll as he brings himself further into the pits of despair. Whether its about work, your relationship, w/e, he needs to learn to deal with it and work with you. When he feels stressed and aggrivated about things, you tend to feel pushed away from him. possibly helpless, useless, inadequate, and you realize there is a gap between you two that you don't want to be there. Not closing the gap only causes the gap to grow. You alone can't close that gap b/c it needs to be pushed from both sides. my heart isn't racing anymore *wipes forehead* hope i helped you see things you might not have Sal
slubberdegullion Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Most men aren't big into talking about the stresses in their lives. Generally, we're doers instead of talkers. Instead of flapping the gums about it - which is fine, I suppose, but it doesn't actually fix anything - they're more likely to shuddup and try to fix whatever the issue is. By all means, be available for him to discuss the issues, but frankly you probably won't get very far. Whatever the issue is, he'll have to manage on his own.
LifeBound Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 as i always stress, no personal offense should be taken to anything i say. with that said. 'slubberdegullion' view about men definitely holds truth and he is right that "they're more likely to shuddup and try to fix whatever the issue is." Men are ' doer's ' b/c of the way they see things. A woman sees the same thing as a man in a totally diffenent light. If a man was willing to listen, and a woman was willing to explain (or vice versa) then the other one could clearly understand and comprehend how the other saw a specific issue. It takes effort but it is possible, and what better place to try this crazy notion out then in a relationship? Therefore, the man could see why he thinks things the way a man does, and then he can see that issue the way a woman would see things and say to himself ... 'hmmmm, wow, that woman actually does make sense, perhaps my view of 'do do do do , provide provide provide' isn't all that sensable.... i have a huge idea. don't always default to say 'guys act that way b/c of that, and woman act like this b/c of this' ... it solves nothing, and it is not advice ... only getting to the root of why someone thinks or feels a certain way is going to help you, and blaming it on gender 9/10 times is more of an excuse then anything. soceities stereotypical view is only going to keep you in the dark, you must find the torch. "Whatever the issue is, he'll have to manage on his own." - slubberdegullion ---- it is a relationship, you help eachother out. if one person thinks they are the lone ranger in a relationship, then by definition it is no longer a relationship. this post may seem to be in a negative light towards 'slubberdegullion' but that is the last thing i am trying to do. My emphasis on all this is so that Cupcake can solve her problem, not to bash someones opinion and pick a fight. this post is better understood when read slowly, its a huge generality Sal
slubberdegullion Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 "Whatever the issue is, he'll have to manage on his own." - slubberdegullion ---- it is a relationship, you help eachother out. if one person thinks they are the lone ranger in a relationship, then by definition it is no longer a relationship. I don't disagree; it was my perception from the original post, though, that there really isn't a great deal that Cupcake can do because of distance and that he's reticent about telling her what's going on. this post may seem to be in a negative light towards 'slubberdegullion' but that is the last thing i am trying to do. Sal No problem, no harm done.
Freyja Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 How can I ease my man's stress when he's so far away from me? Lately, he hasn't been sleeping well. He calls me some nights when he can't sleep. I can hear the stress in his voice by the words and tone. I just don't know what to do for him. Perhaps the fact that I am available to talk to him is enough, but it seems like there should be something else. Talking about the things that make him stressed is sooo wrong. I tried that tonight and it seemed to make him more stressed when he wasn't able to explain it to me. Are there any special things I should say to him? Or any special conversations to ease a stressful time? I think the best thing one can do from so far is reassure their partner that he can make things better, he is very capable and you believe that he will find his way around this situation aswell. I think sometimes with problems, all we need is someone telling us that yes we can go through this hurdle aswell. You need to be supportive by trusting in him to make the right decisions to solve his problems. Ofcourse you will tell him that no matter what he can always come to you for help, emotional support, whatever. But at the end of the day, he has to go through it himself. The think the best support one can give is by believing in their partner to do the right thing. Also I generally find guys tend to hide their weaknesses, even from their loved ones. Or they open up in their own time, again all you need to do is reassure them! I know it would be really nice if he'd just discuss his problem with you and let you get a better picture of the situation and maybe you cna really give him a solution. However, men prefer to fix it themselves and they don't ask for help until they've tried everything they can do. Or maybe the guys just stressed and sometimes the more you talk about it, the more it stresses you out, plus some people don't like being sympathised 'cause it makes them feel weak.
Author Cupcake Posted December 2, 2005 Author Posted December 2, 2005 Lifebound, you seem to have a deep perception on the way people think and act. Could you explain how men and women view things differently. For example: There is a problem with communication in the relationship. How does a man "view" this problem? How does a woman "view" this problem? It sounds like you are saying, men are more likely to "act" by trying to fix the problem. While women are more likely to analyze and understand the problem without doing anything.
Outcast Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 Have a read of John Gray's famous 'Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus'. While I don't love all his theories, he does a good job of explaining the man's mind to women and vice versa.
LifeBound Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 well.. i don't have much time but i will just correct something Lets just make certain of what i actually said vs what i didn't i definitely brushed the subject on "It sounds like you are saying, men are more likely to "act" by trying to fix the problem" I did not however even insinuate or touch the idea of "While women are more likely to analyze and understand the problem without doing anything." -emphasis on the 'w/o doing anything' --at first i thought using this example would help me answer your main question, but unfortunately it doesn't. all it shows is how people will fill in the blanks, Especially if they feel offended by something. No offense by that, it is natural. (or perhaps just a misread) no offense intended, i am just straightforward perhaps i'll continue later Sal
Author Cupcake Posted December 3, 2005 Author Posted December 3, 2005 that's all. I wasn't trying to "fill in the blanks." Honestly, I was really confused by what you wrote. So I wanted you to elaborate more. But gosh! Just forget it. Everyone, thanks for all the replies. Anyone, feel free to answer the question that I (wrongfully) directed to Lifebound. I didn't think this would turn into some type of battleground by asking for clarification. OMGWTF!!
LifeBound Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 i still haven't had time to think how i want to explain it to you. So i can't yet, sorry. and you are right, this is not a battleground. I am pretty calm. Nor am i (or was) mad at you. That is why i heavily emphasized not to take offense for me correcting the error. It is b/c i am not mad. It is a huge common clash even between married people. Someone saying one thing, and the other person interpretting it the wrong way. And, after i told you not to be offended. what did u go and do ? you got frustrated -> "But gosh! Just forget it." then you got defensive -> "(wrongfully)" and then you got mad -> "OMGWTF!!" but i am no psychologist =/ and trust me, i still am not mad. Forum is to have fun and learn, not pick on anyone. So smile sorry if it seems like i am picking on your character. But things like this are worth pointing out... introspection truce? Sal
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