Genod422 Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 About 2 weeks ago my gf of a year and a half broke up wiht me. She felt there was more out there and she wanted to not feel held down or fight and wanted to live the college life. She had been a great girl with good morals and a good view of the future. She remained a virgin throughout our relationship but mainly because I respected her enough to stop when asked and never got around to it. She wanted to marry me and have kids and be with me forever and she loved to cuddle and come to me for anything and just was a sweet girl. Now within the past 2 weeks this guy that was her friend and she has known for about a month and a half has moved in for the kill and is doing sweet things for her and she doesn't like him and doesn't want a relationship she said but she feels she may fall for him (She's from NJ he's from Cali, smokes, drinks etc.) She told me now that smoking weed isn't that bad and she thinks she'll eventually try it. Also she has become a major alcoholic, wanting to drink everynight. She thought it was sweet of this guy that when she got drunk the other night he carried her into his room and kept guys out and kept checking in on her(So she didn't get raped, how romantic) She has been contacting me on a friend basis lately but last night we argued and I brought up how he just wants to get into her pants and such and she went as far as saying she doesn't love me although she misses me a lot and cares about me, and he made her realize that there are other sweet boys out there that maybe she can love. Are you serious? It's so obvious what he wants. She said she doesn't want a boyfriend right now as well as posting in her profile what kind of guy she is looking for. She joked about having a one night stand on one of her friend's sites. She is falling into every trap of the party life and has totally changed into a crummy person. With Thanksgiving and Xmas break coming up my friend said he has gone through the same thing and she is just trying to upset me right now and that if shes a virgin this long she wont lose it that quick, and also she'll say how crappy guys are and eventually tire of that life. She seems to want no part in me right now and says if we see each other it till hurt both of us, she drinks, will eventually smoke, says she wants to be a trophy wife but thinks shell die alone, has disregard for her health, and is just this crazy person. Has anyone ever seen anything like this, and although I am going to have to move on, will she realize she was wrong soon or too late, not to brag but I was one of the best BFs I or my friends have seen in my life, I adored her and treated her like gold and she was a great girl at one time too.
wahaha1 Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 when she experience more relationships / breakup/ pain, she will find out she has missed such a great guy... For now, she will go for excitement, she is still young and there are tons of thing waiting for her to explore. One day she will grow up, she might think of you.. For now, it's better for you to move on. Take care.
Author Genod422 Posted November 16, 2005 Author Posted November 16, 2005 Well yes I know I have to move on. I just don't get how a person with such good thoughts could be corrupted. And I truy feel she will lose her virginity in a wrong way because she doesn't care or whatever and I can't believe for a year and a half we didn't do that and now some jerk wil get it. I feel she has to go through some pain, you see her relationships before me ended in pain because mostly she wouldnt give out and guys ditched her. She wasn't all about the excitement and such and I wonder if it is just a phase, not saying I will wait for her but I just want to know if she'll get out of this phase and if there is a chance for us ever again. She misses me and cares about me and still wants to keep in touch with me so it's weird. She used to wonder how no girl ever grabbed me and never let go. Now she doesn't like routine and knows the downfalls of the single life and she seems to be just throwing away all that made her a great girl.
slubberdegullion Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 This is classic stuff, even typical. When you ask what they want in a fellow, most women will say stuff like honesty, integrity, stability and all the rest. But who ends up with the wimmen? The guys who just pulled in on their Harley after getting out of jail for assault. That's only half in jest. It looks like she thinks she's missing out on some excitement in her life, and is under the delusion that she can have the excitement and the security at the same time. Generally, though, that doesn't work. Go NC (no contact) on her for at least a month. Don't respond to phone calls, emails or anything. She'll wonder why, but it's pretty clear that she's made her choice and dumped a pretty decent fellow in the process. In the meantime, stay involved in your social circles, date other girls, have fun. If/when she decides she wants you back, it will have to be on your terms. Good luck!
Author Genod422 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 Yeah I agree and have come to the conclusion that NC is the only way. I think she has a lot of things she has to work out, maybe even date this guy and see if it is better or worse than me. Most of all she has to experience depression, she would get down a lot with me, i guess feeling she was missing out on life, and as of right now she is overjoyed with the single life and such. I feel if she held out sex wise for this long she should truly stay with it and not be stupid with it, considering she is slipping. To me she is doing anything impress her new friends and make me mad at the same time and it'll take her some time to wake up, maybe when it's too late already. Thanksgiving break and Xmas break are on the way and she'll be with her friends at home or alone and away from the scene and can do some thinking but I guess as much as I love her and adore her and how much this hurts, I'll have to let her be and move on. I know she'll be back one day, but it may be too late for her, I hope it is.
Neptune Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She could stay with you, maybe eventually have sex and then get married. Or, vice versa. Have kids and live a responsible life. Admired by the community. Or....she can get out and experiment, live some of her fantasies. After all, these Harley guys are kinda cool.....just not the kinda guy to marry. The problem with the straight and narrow path it is just that. Straight and narrow. It doesn`t give a young gal a chance to live the fantasy. The fantasy you see played out in the media 24/7. In the most inviting fashion. She has to do what she has to do. I think she is doing the right thing......better now than after the marriage certificate is signed.
Author Genod422 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 It's not even so much the Harley thing as she just wants to feel free and party. I guess it's the right thing to do but I still feel no matter what she lives out she should stay true to her virginity, at least they can stay there. Also, the straight and narrow path is always so negatively viewed, people always look for the greener grass rather than reflecting on what they have and what it was that brought them to that point in life. She has to do what she has do, it's just a shame that it always ends the same...regret on their part. So I shall move on and talk to her here and there but I just hope she doesn't fall flat on her face
Neptune Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 I agree it is a shame. There is just so much influence out there that a lot of young people get drawn up in it. And yes, she may fall flat on her face. But, if there is something restless stirring in her, I can`t see any other way. You may find her a very different person in a few years. Time will tell. Youth is a time of discovery. She alone really knows what is going on inside.
Author Genod422 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 True, I just found it odd that her whole being changed within two weeks. She was still calling me to say she missed me and loved me and such even a week before we broke up and I feel maybe this guy that is her friend she liked and didn't wan to hurt me. I can only hope that they don't work out and it really isn't her wanting to become this alcoholic beer slut. She is not a slut and never wanted to be and I don't get what is up with her now.
J dub Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Ok I have to ask the question that is inevitably on everyone's mind: Is she 21? Ok anyway... I know it hurts and you want to understand why/how/when, etc..but dont bother trying because even she doesnt know what shes doing. Shes sowing her oats, something she needs to do and i think everyone at some point needs to do because it teaches you a ton about yourself, what you will and wont tolerate, the type of person you want to be with, etc. Besides: at least she left you before she hopped into the sack with this other fella. And, it would suck 20 times worse if you were to get married, have kids and one day you come home from work, ask what's for dinner --suddenly she drops everything and screams "Thats IT! I NEED OUT OF THIS!" and youre all like, "...huh?"
wendel1 Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Genod, I am in virtually the same position as you. Although me and the ex had alot of barriers, one being she lives in the USA I live in Germany! She was only 21 and I am 29. She was also a virgin, from a christian background and I treated her very well, put no pressure on her. We dated intensely for a year until one day she said that she couldnt do the LDR thing any more. Basically, we are both very close to our families and I dont think either one of us would make the huge commitment to move to a different continent! The main thing was though that she was still young, being only 21 and was only just experiencing the bar scene (she is a senior at uni) with her friends, and was having fun just getting drunk with her friend, an basically just being young. A month after we broke up she got a new boyfriend, who was in her circle of friends. It did hurt like hell to break up, cos I thought she was the one. Looking back, I just had to let her go because she needed to go out and experience life. When we were together we were like a married couple, seeing each other every day, and when I went to stay with her I didnt know anyone in the area.
wendel1 Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Genod, I understand what you are feeling as that is almost identical to my situation. My ex left me after an intense year long LDR. But there were some factors - I live in Germany, she lives in the USA. Basically, neither one of us would make a commitment to move. Also she is only 21 and i am 29. The reason she left was that she wanted to 'have some space..hang out with friends..' It broke my heart. She is also from a christian background, and is a virgin. Looking back now though, you just have to let them go for them to experience life more while they are still young. She is a senior in uni and now has a new boyfriend who is from her circle of friends...and they have a more normal relationship. When we were together ( i used to visit the states regularly) we would act like a married couple, and see each other every day. She has had a number of relationships before me, and even though she was a virgin, she was a demon in the sack! So this does hurt me knowing that her and another guy are getting it on, but I was thinking when I was 21 i wanted to go out and have some fun, so she is no different. She can only now go out to the college bars and clubs and drink. So she now drinks, parties and stuff. (I also drink). I hope she stays a virgin for her sake. I still want her back, but I am trying my damdest to let her go. I have told myself that she needs to go out and find out about what she wants and experience being 21. She will learn from her mistakes, she is no different to any other 21 year old. I think that this is the right way to think.
Author Genod422 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 The reason I think she has changed so much is to look "cool" in fron of the new people she hangs with. She is all about partying now but she in the past couple days has said she wants to be in love (on a web blog she did) and it also mentioned she may be interested in someone right now. It's a shame that she did this to me after I did for her and I feel after she gets this out of her system she will be back to the person she once was, although by then it may be too late. I truly do hope she keeps her virginity and if not then the guy she was with should have to wait at least a year and a half like I did. I don't understand why she contacted me (via text and IM) 3 times already since we split and she says she misses me and things about me just she doesnt miss the fights. Im so much better for her than anyone out there and I know right now I shouldnt try to figure her out or wonder when she'll be back but I just have to ask if you think she will, say if she gets into a crummy relationship?
wendel1 Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 What split me and my ex up was the distance, and the age factor, and although it was tough for both of us breaking up, it was probably going to happen somewhere down the line. My ex does have a little low self esteem, but since we broke up she seems to have been following the advice of forums and things, she exercises vigorously and has lost two stone and she looks amazing. So she is now getting extra attention from guys. But I think what 21 yr old colleg girl would act any differently? Al girls like getting attention! Coupled with the fact that she has moved on and is with somebody else is painful to think about, so im trying to rid my mind of these thoughts. Genod, I think you have to let her get all this out of her system, as if you stop her or pester her then she may resent you (may think you are perhaps trying to 'control' her), and this will push her even further away. Even though I am further down the line in my breakup (broke up 2 mnths ago) I had to tell her that I was letting her go and saying goodbye (I flew to the USA just to do this). I wished her all the happiness for the future and we had a good hug and it came to a nice natural end. For me I'm doing the NC to heal myself. Perhaps i'll send an email at xmas. The bottom line is ex's know where we are. If they want you then they will call. But dont try and 'check up on her'
Author Genod422 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 Yes well I agree to the NC thing. It's just so weird that she was so happy with me and was excited when I came to see her like 3 weeks ago and now she is moving on just like that. I feel this guy that is her friend she perhaps likes and felt she would give him a try. I care about her so much but I understand what you mean that she may resent me because I tried asking her to give me a try the other night, especially a chance over that kid she is friends with now. We ended up just arguing and it went from sweet to sour quick and I just left her saying I love her and care for her and I am still her friend and will always be there for her and that she has my number if she wants to call. I don't see why she has to "get this out of her system" I don't see how getting drunk and acting cool and like a slut (joking about one night stands and such) and falling for such a sleazy guy, it all boggles my mind. I transferred to school in Philly, a 20 minute train ride from her, so now we are in the same city and I am here just for her. We were each other's best friends and now she turned her back on me. I just ask why did she text me to see how I was 2 days after we broke up, IM me after House, a show we used to watch together, and so on if she wanted to forget me and get with this guy or any guy?
Tristram Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 A couple possibilities. She looks at you as her stability. She knows how F'ed up the things she is doing now is. And probably feels lost in it herself sometimes. Or its the feelings she still has for you along with the guilt of what she is doing. Either way let her go. As this will be a unhealthy ride for you.
Rocko Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Go NC and see how you feel in a few weeks. I promise you the anger kicks in fast. There's quite a large group of people who were in the same situation as you are (Myself included) and boy, does it suck. I recommend running the opposite way from this girl. My ex was a sweet girl too before she became "curious about other dating other boys." NC IS YOUR FRIEND. Anything else will just hurt you. This girl is not worth your time (Sadly, very few are at that age ...)
wendel1 Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 It is a bitter pill, but i think the reason they call, perhaps text/email you is because they feel guilty about dumping you, from what I've read on these forums, and my experiences. It sounds like she is young, and wants to see what the world has to offer, or what else is out there. They still care about you and won't forget you but they are moving on and I guess they dont want to hurt you (even though they broke your heart). Its all about guilt. Go NC and see how the situation develops. She knows where you are and if you are meant to be she will come back. But you cannot stop living your life waiting for her.....
Author Genod422 Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 Very true unfortunately. You are all very pessimisstic about my chances which is a good thing. If I was her stability though why would she want to go alone and just give up on everything. "What the world has to offer" shouldn't have to mean getting drunk and f*cking guys and getting hurt to know who they are. Ok she is 19 and is a virgin, for now, but she is going to ruin her life. I am 20 and I feel I know who I am, and I can't believe people change so quick, up to a month ago she couldn't go without me and I threatened to break up and she went ballistic into tears. Now she is just like any other girl I've seen, no regard for herself and a drunk and insecure person looking for approval everywhere she turns but my way. NC is my friend and the way to go and it hurts I think more that she is ruining herself. If she broke up with me but took life a little easy, partied now and then and maybe found a good guy I would respect her more and understand but for her to go from this great girl to falling for a slimeball that "is sweet and cares", drinks heavy, perhaps might smoke, etc. is what upsets me.
Rocko Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Actually be kind of happy she went over the edge. It reaffirms your stance on everything you believe in. In addition, we here on LS tend to be pessimistic to emphasize the cruel realities of logic. Normally, when people come here, they are hyped-up on pure emotion, and as such are not able to see the logical side of things. Once things cool down you'll see her for who she really is, and most importantly, you will discover who you really are.
Slapshot2286 Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 I haven't read everyone's posts, so I apologize if someone has said this already, but I know where you're coming from. What hits me the wrong way, is that it sounds to me like you have a tad bit of jealousy that some guy may take her virginity and not you. You say she should be true to her virginity, but it sounds like you want her to be true to her virginity by giving it to you, because those were probably your plans before she decided to break up. Thats probably why you say she's gone insane. Because she made all these plans with you, but now she's totally contradicting them. Ah the college life.....
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