big fight with my gf - need advice - long

[pandnh4]

hey everyone, i'm kind of at a loss right now with how to handle a situation with my gf... we've been dating for over 5 months, officially a couple for 3 months, and definitely in love with each other...

so far the relationship has been great... after some initial bumps in the road due to misunderstandings and mixed signals, things have been very smooth and we've never really had a fight before, just some heated discussions...

just last night, however, things got really ugly over the phone, escalating from something pretty insignificant (imho) to some very serious issues...

since i promote honesty and communication, i mentioned to her a while back that i used to have a personals profile and dated through that network for some time; this did not upset her and she told me that it was ok... well, the other day she sends me an email telling me that she got curious and decided to look for it to see if i had deleted it, which i hadn't, and she ended up finding it... in the email she mentioned that she wasn't upset but a little disappointed that it was still there, even though it said that it was active in the past 3 months (not less though)... as far as i can remember, the last time i logged in was to disable the automated emails it would send monthly and remove the profile from searches... it did not occur to me that i could delete the profile and i thought that removing it was fine since i was happy with my gf and no longer needed to be contacted on the personals network...

anyway, once i got the email from my gf i immediately called her to explain the situation which seemed to upset her even more... things got a little heated and she blurted out "why don't i go ahead and create a profile and see how you feel" at which point i said bye and hung up to the spiteful comment...

we did not talk for the next day because i was truly hurt that she would say something like that... while i can understand that she was a bit disappointed, i tried explaining to her that i no longer used it and disabled the profile once we were committed together... it seemed, however, that she did not want to accept that, even though she claimed that she wasn't upset... all she did was continue trying to dictate the conversation and got more fired up in the process when i was not telling her exactly what she wanted to hear...

well anyway, she was pretty upset that i hung up on her but fails to hear me out when i tell her that her comment was spiteful... imho, my original intention with the personals ad was not to hurt her (it actually had nothing to do with her) but her comment was to try to put me in my place and i don't respond well to threats of the type "two wrongs make a right..."

we finally spoke last night over the phone and things just wouldn't stop... we both said some messed up things to each other and it just dragged on and on... we were both guilty of some cheapshots and interrupting one another but i calmed myself and when i tried explaining that i felt like she was dominating the conversation, she kept getting more fired up... when i would point out that that we was constantly interrupting me, she would again cut me off and say "yeah, i know, just say what you have to say..." every time i was trying to make a point i get cut off and there is no way of communicating with her... when she is talking and i want to say something i say call her name and ask to be heard but she doesn't respond to that...

i told her that since she would not listen to me or hear me out that we might need some help and i asked her to go to at least one therapy session with to which she responded negatively, saying that she felt offended, especially so soon in a relationship... i tried to explain that it would be a way to sort out and eliminate some potential issues early on but she was not satisfied...

then i guess the last issue was that i asked her to come see me today and talk about things... the thing is that we live in different cities and she has no car... there is public transportation available and she's said in the past that she would use it to come see me (which is onyl a 30 minute ride btw)... for whatever reason i've just always gone to see her and picked her up and done the commuting but when it finally comes down to it she was intransigent on the matter... i told her i needed to see some effort just once and she kept coming up with excuses and going off topic... in all our time together not once have i ever had to think about doing something for her, i would just do it, but at this point i feel she is not reciprocating... while she is a very sweet girl and i love her with all my heart, i feel like she "talks" more she "walks..." our communication issues are also a big concern to me...

any help or insight please...

[itwontdawnsooner]

it is understandable that it would rub her the wrong way that you have an online profile up, shes jealous and if youre together probably wants the world to know that too.

 

what seems to have happened is, she tried to be cool with it, but really wasn't, and in her emotional state made a childish comment that set you off and away you both were with the snowball effect. every comment became fuel to the fire, things you said seemed wrong, she didn't want to listen - became a big fight.

 

its hard, sometimes, to just take a step back mentally or emotionally so you can cool off. thats what youd want to happen. if you keep ending up hanging up, thats not the way it should go down. but if she really just isn't in a state where she can listen... it'll be hard to make progress.

 

you love her, you care, doesn't mean youre not going to have disagreements, sometimes big ones. she is being stubborn... and you might be being way too pushy. hard to say what the best thing to do is... but be careful of constantly pushing her to "make effort" if she's emotonal it might continue the snowball effect.

 

you're right, you really do need to get this talked about. but when you're both calmer. easier said than done. if she can't calm herself down... that's a red flag.

[NatoPMT]

perfect example of how misunderstandings become arguments and resentments start to fester.

 

as this is your first row, you have both set the tone with cheapshots and missed communications. I agree that you shouldnt continue to argue when spiteful comments are made, but dont hang up either, in future, the best option is to not retaliate but to state you love her (if you are at that stage) but you wont be spoken to like that, so long as you refuse to speak that way back.

 

Id bite the bullet on this occassion, change the profile details to say that you have found the girl you are looking for and noone need contact you and text her to look at the page. Make a romantic gesture to cancel out the bad - but dont let her get her way by bullying you in future by not going along with the cheapshots again

 

Both of you are fired up so she may be digging her heels about coming to see you after the nasty things youve said to each other. Give her the benefit of the doubt this time and be the bigger person as you are both to blame.

 

BB

[Walk]

I think I would've been pretty upset if I found out you still had your account up. I'd want to be okay with it, and not let it bother me, but damn... that'd really dig into you.

 

BigBelm had some great points. Especially regarding the page.

 

From a woman's pov. I'd feel pretty betrayed to find out your account was still active. I can understand where you're coming from, but I also don't have any vested feelings and potential future. So to me it seems rational, although a little naive. But if I were her, basically it comes off sounding as if you were just playing with her, while you waited for better fish to bite. Or keeping your options open with the account still active.

 

I was going to give some advice on how to handle her cutting you off, but I'm not sure it's a good way. But if you wanna try it... basically, if she cuts you off. Stop the conversation. Point it out, and let her know that you listen to her when she speaks and would like the curtesy returned. If she cuts you off again. Let her know that you will not continue the conversation if she continues the behavior. She cuts you off again (immediately) politely, level headedly, tell her that you are stopping the conversation until she can find the time to listen to you. Then either walk away, or hang up.

 

Don't be rude, angry, hostile, or threatening. Be calm, and persistent. If she stops cutting you off, but after a while forgets and cuts you off again, begin again. She may not even realize she's doing this sometimes, so point it out, but don't be rude about it or harrassing. It's up to you to be the bigger person, the more mature person.

 

If you both settle this argument, it might be a good idea to buy her some communication books, or how to argue effectively.Or just set down ground rules. No interrupting a person. each person gets 5 minutes to state their case. then rebuttal for 5 minutes. then each person comes up with alternatives on how to resolve the issue. etc. Just an idea.

 

(I say this because I have a tendency to get defensive when arguing and don't realize it. If my bf points it out, I can take a deep breath and try to calm down, but if he doesn't, I get locked into that behavior sometimes. He's walked out of the room before in order to make me see my behavior isn't helping the situation. I didn't see it before he did that. Very frustrating for both of us.)