he wants to tell off ex

[palmer]

I assumed myself to be in a friendly, casual sex arrangement with a man that I really like. He introduces me as a friend, and that is fine by me. I had hoped that we would eventually transition to exclusive and serious dating, but for the time being it isn't really convenient for either one of us.

 

A few days ago he started referring to me as the girl he is dating....which surprised me. He has also made off the cuff remarks about his assumption that I am not sleeping with other people etc.. Fact is, I really like him. We don't live in the same area, but I am moving to that region for other reasons - so I have really been hoping to seriously date this man and had intended to speak to him about that shortly.

 

The other day it comes up that he wants to tell off his ex, or ask her why she dumped him...or who knows. He really wants to talk to her about he break-up, closure etc.. The entire conversation made me intensely uncomfortable. In the spirit of friendly advice I told him that he basically had to decide whether he wanted to speak to her, get back together with her or cut his losses. He stated that he felt I was taking his issue a little too seriously, that it wasn't that big of a deal. that he is seeing someone much better now so why should he care about this ex.

 

Which is exactly what I said. Why should he?

 

He's obviously conflicted. I'm coming off a much more serious relationship. I'm not talking about my break up - so I guess what I'm wondering is how can I nip this discussion in the bud? I'd like to be there for him, but this discussion about wanting to tell her off or ask her why etc.. made me feel utterly worthless. I am developing very strong feelings for this man, and his mind is clearly someplace else. Her picture is still around. We haven't been in this arrangement very long and I'm not interested in being the shoulder to cry on over this girl....because I genuinely believe myself to be a better catch. Wondering if I should just get out of dodge.

[itwontdawnsooner]

usually, being "over" someone is the closure - when you reach that point when you're over it. he's still feeling something... if he feels the need to confront it. you make a very good point about that.

 

so. bottom line is, you can either bite your tounge and hope for the best (a risk) or risk being more direct and saying more or less what you said here - how long can you stand things being the way they are?

 

i dont know if him telling her off will give him any kind of closure, but it might, but you started casual sex buddies and are now wanting to upshift - which happens often. its hard to seperate feelings most of the time for too long.

 

he has to be ready for and want what you want too, and before fleeing you can try asking him about it directly. completely openly and honest - if the answer isnt to your liking, youll have a better idea of what to do. don't let it fester, though.