lavapenguin Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 This past weekend my girlfriend came down from school so we could have a nice, peaceful weekend together without any interuptions. Everything was going great until she mentioned one of her friends names from school whom she had told me previously had feelings for her. When she had told me about this, she was drunk and she didn't remember telling me until i brought it up. The way it came up was that after she said his name, she could tell that that something was on my mind, so i told her what she had told me that night, about him. She said not to worry about it and forget it. So i tried. Well, the thing of it is, is that on this online community for schools, you add friends and you can post little messages on their homepage. About a month after she went to school, i see little messages from him saying " i love you the mostest" and her replying "i love you". This after we had been going out for a couple of months. She said it was nothing and that they were just friends, that she says it to all of her friends, so i left it alone. Well, on the second day of our little retreat, she's looking at some pictures online that were recent and there she is with him, both smiling, with her leaning her head on his face. I began to breathe a little heavily and my heart started to race. She asked what was wrong, and i told her that it was nothing and that i was just being paranoid, which was the truth. I said that i didn't want to say it, because i knew it didn't happen but she kept pressuring me to say what was wrong. So, i asked her if there was anything going on between her and this guy. Things haven't been right since, and last night she said that she wanted space and to take a break. I know that she would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt me, and that it was just a stupid thought in the back of my head. I've tried to explain this to her, but she won't seem to listen. The last thing that I would EVER want to do is hurt her, and that's exactly what i've done. She means everything to me and i don't want to lose her. She said that i shouldn't call, text, or IM her, that she would contact me. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I've constantly apologized and told her that i truly didn't mean it and that i want to do whatever it takes to make everything right. I told her how that thought got into my head, but that i never believed it, like it was someone elses thought put into my head. What do I do? I don't want to lose the most important person in my life, who i know i want to spend the rest of it with.
Kengne Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 This past weekend my girlfriend came down from school so we could have a nice, peaceful weekend together without any interuptions. Everything was going great until she mentioned one of her friends names from school whom she had told me previously had feelings for her. When she had told me about this, she was drunk and she didn't remember telling me until i brought it up. The way it came up was that after she said his name, she could tell that that something was on my mind, so i told her what she had told me that night, about him. She said not to worry about it and forget it. So i tried. Well, the thing of it is, is that on this online community for schools, you add friends and you can post little messages on their homepage. About a month after she went to school, i see little messages from him saying " i love you the mostest" and her replying "i love you". This after we had been going out for a couple of months. She said it was nothing and that they were just friends, that she says it to all of her friends, so i left it alone. Well, on the second day of our little retreat, she's looking at some pictures online that were recent and there she is with him, both smiling, with her leaning her head on his face. I began to breathe a little heavily and my heart started to race. She asked what was wrong, and i told her that it was nothing and that i was just being paranoid, which was the truth. I said that i didn't want to say it, because i knew it didn't happen but she kept pressuring me to say what was wrong. So, i asked her if there was anything going on between her and this guy. Things haven't been right since, and last night she said that she wanted space and to take a break. I know that she would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt me, and that it was just a stupid thought in the back of my head. I've tried to explain this to her, but she won't seem to listen. The last thing that I would EVER want to do is hurt her, and that's exactly what i've done. She means everything to me and i don't want to lose her. She said that i shouldn't call, text, or IM her, that she would contact me. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I've constantly apologized and told her that i truly didn't mean it and that i want to do whatever it takes to make everything right. I told her how that thought got into my head, but that i never believed it, like it was someone elses thought put into my head. What do I do? I don't want to lose the most important person in my life, who i know i want to spend the rest of it with. I hate to be the one to say it, but they are RED FLAGS ALL OVER YOUR POST! Don't you see what is prolly going on? Her needing to "take space" shouts to me: I am interested in someone else (the 'friend'). I am going to TAKE SPACE to see how things go with this new guy. During the meantime I don't want you to call me, bcuz I don't want to feel guilty for lying to you abt why we broke up - while I live it up with the 'friend'. There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG that you have done! Don't fall for her weak ass "taking space" story! Don't tell yourself you had stupid thts!! You simply expressed to her your concerns (WHICH ARE VERY VALID)... and she got antsy, and exited the rel'ship (before it escalated to cheating). Let me tell you this... even the ppl we LOVE... CAN and DO hurt us... INTENTIONALLY or UNINTENTIONALLY. IMO - you are sounding very naive right now. NEVER EVER swear for someone. Don't think that the ppl you love CANNOT or WILLNOT ever hurt you - bcuz they CAN and they DO. IMO - all you can do now is buy her 'cover story'...and accept her wish to do NC. But if it were ME - I'd also be doing some sideline investigation regarding her and this 'friend'. THat is VERY SUSPECT! K.
SMHappyface Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 My ex told me he needed space, but it was to see how it would work out with the other girl, but keep me on the back burner. Don't believe her, if she wanted to work things out, no space would be needed, communication would be. Move on man, she's lying.
J dub Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 I agree with Kengne 100%...she is looking to test the waters with this other guy but keep you on the sidelines in the meantime. Youre better off considering this as a break up and not just a break ...lets face it, you dont take a break unless something is going very wrong in the relationship and when someone tells you theyre not sure they want to be with you (what she is saying by asking for a break) you should immediately start packing your emotional bags and get out of the situation because -- esp in this situation -- there are red flags ALL OVER the place. I took a class in college about human behavior and one very interesting part of it was reading body language. If you look at pictures of couples that are very close and happy & in love, they are leaning in towards one another and if theyre REALLY attached they will unconsciously do things like press their faces (cheeks) together. Generally when platonic friends pose with one another (unless theyre drunk) they will simply have an arm around the other or something less intimate than face-to-face (although this does not apply to females because girls tend to be very emotionally close to one another and two girls posing togehter will press their heads together in an act of love when posing for a pic). The fact that you saw this pic of your girl and this guuy, and moreso that you mentioned the faces being pressed up against the other pretty much has your answer right there. I hate to say it but this is not unusual when one party goes away to school. The time and distance allows for bonds to be established between new potential mates and sometimes there's no way to know or prevent it from happening.
Author lavapenguin Posted November 17, 2005 Author Posted November 17, 2005 she broke up with me today in an email. i'll let you read it: " I don't want for us to be over. I don't think we ever truly will be because I am always going to love you no matter what. But right now I think it would be best if we were not together because we both have a lot of growing to do individually before we can grow as a couple, which is a key part of any healthy relationship. I know that if we are meant to be together (and I think we are) then we will be in the future, whether that be in a couple months, a year, or more. I don't know. I am so sorry for keeping all of my feelings about everything bottled up inside until I couldn't take it anymore. If I had talked to you about them as they came, then perhaps this wouldn't be happening right now. I know we have both been hurt now and it will take time for those wounds to heal and for each of us to change what we need to. I have always been a very laid back person and not any more insecure than most people. I'm not trying to be mean or anything but you are an incredibly insecure person. I am far from being the only one who has noticed. I understand that it is hard for you with me being away at college around a whole bunch of other people. But the thing is, if you really did trust me completely then you would not be insecure about our relationship, and I don't mean just what you said Saturday night. It's been going on on a smaller scale all semester. I know you say you trust me completely but maybe you just don't see it the way I do. As far as that aspect of personalities goes, we are definitely not compatible. Obviously I realize that no two people are ever going to be entirely compatible but the only way a relationship can work is if the differences are small and not a big deal. Insecurity and trust issues are a very big deal. I'm sure it sounds like I'm putting all the blame on you for the problems we're having now, but I really don't think it's all your fault. As I said, I've never talked to you about this before so I am just as much to blame, if not more so. I really hope you believe me when I say that I love you more than I have ever loved anyone (family not included) and that I believe I always will. Every girl dreams of meeting a guy who will treat her like a princess and love her and you truly do treat me that way. I know you would never intentionally hurt me and that you will always love me, and I thank you for that. I hope you won't hate me for this and that you will be willing to give us another chance in the future, after we both have some time to ourselves. I am going to try to move on (not to another person, but in my life) and continue to learn and mature, because that is what college is for. I do want to stay in contact with you, because I think it would be good to discuss what is going on, but if you don't want to I would understand completely. Call me after you read this, if you want to. I love you." I can't believe i got it in an email when my last girlfriend broke up with me in a voicemail (long story), just incredible. What are your thoughts on the email?
Kengne Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 she broke up with me today in an email. i'll let you read it: " I don't want for us to be over. I don't think we ever truly will be because I am always going to love you no matter what. But right now I think it would be best if we were not together because we both have a lot of growing to do individually before we can grow as a couple, which is a key part of any healthy relationship. I know that if we are meant to be together (and I think we are) then we will be in the future, whether that be in a couple months, a year, or more. I don't know. I am so sorry for keeping all of my feelings about everything bottled up inside until I couldn't take it anymore. If I had talked to you about them as they came, then perhaps this wouldn't be happening right now. I know we have both been hurt now and it will take time for those wounds to heal and for each of us to change what we need to. I have always been a very laid back person and not any more insecure than most people. I'm not trying to be mean or anything but you are an incredibly insecure person. I am far from being the only one who has noticed. I understand that it is hard for you with me being away at college around a whole bunch of other people. But the thing is, if you really did trust me completely then you would not be insecure about our relationship, and I don't mean just what you said Saturday night. It's been going on on a smaller scale all semester. I know you say you trust me completely but maybe you just don't see it the way I do. As far as that aspect of personalities goes, we are definitely not compatible. Obviously I realize that no two people are ever going to be entirely compatible but the only way a relationship can work is if the differences are small and not a big deal. Insecurity and trust issues are a very big deal. I'm sure it sounds like I'm putting all the blame on you for the problems we're having now, but I really don't think it's all your fault. As I said, I've never talked to you about this before so I am just as much to blame, if not more so. I really hope you believe me when I say that I love you more than I have ever loved anyone (family not included) and that I believe I always will. Every girl dreams of meeting a guy who will treat her like a princess and love her and you truly do treat me that way. I know you would never intentionally hurt me and that you will always love me, and I thank you for that. I hope you won't hate me for this and that you will be willing to give us another chance in the future, after we both have some time to ourselves. I am going to try to move on (not to another person, but in my life) and continue to learn and mature, because that is what college is for. I do want to stay in contact with you, because I think it would be good to discuss what is going on, but if you don't want to I would understand completely. Call me after you read this, if you want to. I love you." I can't believe i got it in an email when my last girlfriend broke up with me in a voicemail (long story), just incredible. What are your thoughts on the email? Hmm... Well, first of all - I find it extremely dry that she broke up with you via EMAIL. She couldnt even give you the courtesy of a call?!? WoW Next... it seems to me her decision is final. And she seems to place alot of blame on YOU i.e. YOUR insecurity issues and YOUR trust issues. She glazes over the fact that HELLO - she never brought these problems to your attn! Why all of a sudden NOW - when she's breaking up with you? Gimme a break. Her talks of possibly reconciling down the road... that sounds to me like a euphemism. It does not sound sincere, and I think she was only saying it well, bcuz thats what ppl always tend to say when they break up (i.e. maybe one day in the future... it's not you, it's me! ... etc..) I think you need to go straight into NC. K.
J dub Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 I am so sorry Lava, my heart goes out to you right now because I can only imagine the pain you must be enduring. Certainly she AT LEAST owed you the decency of a phone call or just be a (wo)man and do it face-to-face. In any case, I strongly suggest you do whatever you can to implement NC at this point because if you try to stay "Friends" w/ her, its only going to hurt you while she gets to keep tabs on you and get an ego boost every time you sound hurt about her new revelations or whatever it is she suddenly has. Please dont blame yourself, I see everywhere in her letter that she is ever so NOT slightly trying to point fingers at you which is incredibly immature and that to me is just icing on the cake. Clearly she doesnt fully appreciate you and what you have done for her and for that you are going to be so much better off without her so you can find someone who WILL love/appreciate those things. I know right now the last thing you want to think about is someone ELSE, but I'm just saying... In the meantime, take care of yourself and be gentle with your heart. Just because you two didnt work out right now doesnt mean there's anything wrong with either of you (besides her total lack of respect), it's simply that youre not right for eachother. I know (if you havent already) youre going to want to argue your way back into a relationship w/ her, or at least try to validate your credibility here but really youre only going to be wasting more time on someone who doesnt deserve it. She sounds like she's made up her mind once and for all and at this point you cant say/do anything to change her mind (and even if you could, would you REALLY want to be with someone you had to manipulate back to you? no!) so all you can do is take care of yourself and acknowledge that this will only make you stronger. I am seriously amazed at the audacity of some of these people I hear about, like her for example, who cant even suck it up and give the ones they "love" the chance to talk it out at least. Not that talking about it would help at this point, however I Can only imagine all the stuff you are wanting to say to her... Good luck, post here and vent your emotions out as much as possible. The more thorough you are at doing that, the sooner you'll get her out of your system - I also HIGHLY suggest buying a journal and writing out your feelings...sounds corny I know, but trust me...in a few weeks you'll be able to look back at what you wrote and think -- geeze, I must be healing because I dont feel like THAT anymore.
meltwithme Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Here’s what’s happening man. She thinks the grass is greener with this guy. It’s almost as if she was trying to make you jealous by looking at those pictures in your presence. So now she can pass the guilt off by telling herself that you got jealous or whatever BS she can come up with. Shallow but reality. Think how bad she would feel about herself if she just told you straight up “Hey I think I found someone better and I don’t want you anymore.” Which is what she is actually communicating, she just needed a way out to save her ego. So don’t blame yourself for this, as you probably didn’t **** up nearly as bad as you think you did. Right now there is nothing you can do to make it better, only worse, so don’t speak to her again.
Author lavapenguin Posted November 18, 2005 Author Posted November 18, 2005 her friend keeps posting photos of her and this guy. WTF!! the first one i saw yesterday was him pinning her down on a bed and giving this sadistic smile to the camera and then today i come home from work and there's another one with her sitting his lap. i seriously can't take it anymore. i literally feel like i'm about to have a nervous breakdown, i'm so upset, i can't stop crying. i'm afraid i'm going to end up doing something to myself...
SMHappyface Posted November 19, 2005 Posted November 19, 2005 I know the feeling - one thing you cannot do is take is personally. For her to do that, she never loved you truly. You probably feel that she loved you and now it's all being taken away. You are an awesome person without her, and you don't need that Sh** - stop looking at those pictures, don't contact her - block her out of your mind. She's trash, she's not worthy of you, you deserve something SO MUCH better! *smile* As much as it's killing you inside, know that soon the pain will lessen. And I'm saying this of a fiance of 3 years who left me for another woman and cheated on me for months. I know the pain of losing somebody you love, but it's a death. Cry, but move on. She's not worth your tears.
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