am i just being...paranoid?

[paranoidpatty]

Hi all, I'm new here.

 

A little background--my relationship history is a bit like a scorched earth campaign. Lots of falling for unworthy fellows and being used and so forth--I'm 25 years old, and I can honestly say that I've never had a long term relationship.

 

Recently, I started dating someone who completely blows my mind. It's been going on for about a month--he started out talking to me on the phone for 4 hours, showed up for our first official "date" with 14 long-stemmed roses and a special gift, and has spent every weekend since then with me(he works as a carpenter and goes to bed early on weekdays, so i don't see him during the week, but he usually sends me a "hi, how was your day, mine was like this" e-mail almost every evening.) Things got physical pretty quickly, and it was really nice...he's been referring to me as "his woman" and telling me about his relationship history and childhood and family, all that good stuff. I've been responding in kind. Then, last weekend, he went on a drunken bender with his buddies, showed up at my window, came in and talked for a long time. We ended up having sex. The next day, he cancelled our date due to hangover, but he spent a good bit of Sunday with me, warning me by phone beforehand that he'd "probably be less physically affectionate than usual." I tend to equate physical affection with "doing well" in a relationship, so this freaked me out a bit--I asked him, though, and he said that it was just that he was hungover, no big deal.

 

This past week, he did his usual e-mail thing. I tried to call on Thursday just to shoot the breeze, but got his machine, the next day I got an e-mail saying "Sorry I missed your call" and going on to say that I wouldn't get to see "my dear old gentleman" this weekend, as he had plans with his brother, friend, and parents for his birthday, and that next weekend he'll "be ready to run mild in the streets again." It's still early days, so I'm not upset about being left out of the birthday plans, but I sort of feel like he's pulling away. On Sunday I called to wish him happy birthday and got the machine. Yesterday I got an e-mail saying "sorry I missed your call" and that he hopes i had a good weekend.

 

I'm paranoid that he's "rubberbanding," as they say--that everything moved too fast and he's backing away. He doesn't call me on the phone much--he's said he doesn't like to call people on the phone. And I think it's weird that I only see him on the weekends, but like I said, it's early days, and he just got out of a long-term thing less than a year ago. All signs so far have pointed to him being really into me...am I just being paranoid? I really like this guy and don't want to "screw it up" by being needy or overanalysing everything. But at the same time, it's so hard to feel confident when I didn't get to see him this weekend! Any thoughts?

 

thanks,

paranoidpatty

[Walk]

I think you may need to pull back from him. If he is rubberbanding, then calling him and emailing him all the time won't help the situation.

 

Sounds like he's getting a little freaked. You used to talk on the phone for long periods. Now he won't return your phone calls. Yes he emails you, but that's impersonal, and avoiding the actually person to person contact.

 

So back way off. Let him contact you. Go out and do stuff with your friends. Don't keep your weekends totally free for him. If he calls you prior and wants to hang out, then fine. But otherwise, go out with friends saturday nights, make plans, do fun things. If he thinks you're just going to hang around waiting for him, then he's going to lose interest. Don't let your live revolve around him. It's way too early in your relationship to be so wrapped up in him.

 

If he emails something non-important, wait a bit before responding sometimes. Then let him know that you are out and about, doing fun things with interesting people too. That you aren't closested away only waiting for him to email you, or for him to come over. Don't blow him off, but don't be so eager that you trip over yourself trying to respond to his email or call.

[paranoidpatty]

Thanks, Walk...I have been trying to do just as you said, I spent the weekend partying with some friends and so forth, and waited until this morning to respond to an e-mail he sent last night. I really don't want this guy to get freaked out...I don't want to lose him completely, either.

[Walk]

Just outta curiousity, has he recently gotten out of a long term relationship?

[paranoidpatty]

yeah, a little less than a year ago. he lived with her for 3 years. near as i can tell, he's a serial monogamist...he's been in three long term relationships lasting 3 years or more each.

 

i really don't want to mess this up with paranoia or overeagerness...i really see long term potential with this guy, we have everything in common, and always have a blast together.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sounds like he has a serious gf or a wife who works weekends........

[Walk]

You could also try the straightforward, totally blunt, route. Call him up and tell him you've noticed things have been changing, and that you're not trying to trap him. That you have a life, and are completely happy to fill your time with other men, if he needs more space. That you're wondering if he's decided to slow things down lately, and if so would that free you up to go out more on Saturday nights?

 

I'm kind of joking. I guess what I'm really saying is, sometimes you have to put the facts in their face. If he wants more space (either through actions or words) then he better realize the consequence could be losing you. And that you're not going to sit around and wait for him to decide when and how he wants you.

[paranoidpatty]

well, i don't want to confront him or make him feel trapped. we're monogamous, but not really at the full-on boyfriend/girlfriend stage yet...i don't want to ruin things by rushing.

 

and as to him having a serious gf or wife and me being just something on the side, i really don't think he's that kind of guy.

[Mz. Pixie]

Ummmmm, someone who comes on that strong then you don't see him except on weekends???

 

When I was dating my now husband he had two jobs and shared custody of my son. He managed to see me every chance he could and he called me all the time.

 

We make time for what's important to us, period. He doesn't make time to talk to you or see you during the week.

[paranoidpatty]

So, what, I'm screwed? I really like this guy.

[Walk]

I was just thinking that it sounded a little like he was getting scared of getting back into something serious. And if he is a "one woman" type man, then he's probably just second guessing whether he wants to get tied down again.

 

I doubt it has anything to do with you specifically. Unless you flat out told him you wanted to get married soon, or something.

 

This is what I think, all joking aside. If you have a good opportunity, where he seems relaxed and open to discussion, tell him you've noticed his behavior has changed some, and that you don't want him to feel trapped, etc. But that in order for you not to do that, then you need him to let you know when he wants or needs more space. Tell him you just want him to be happy, and you don't want to him to feel as though he needs to avoid you. That it's about his wants and needs, and that is what's important, but he needs to communicate that to you so that you can meet them.

 

Basically word it in a way to make it about his feelings, his needs, his life. You sound very intelligent, so you know if you say you feel neglected or hurt he's going to pull away even more. But if you can get him to talk to you about it in a non-threatening way, then I think it could actually pull you closer. He'll feel that you really are putting his wants and needs above yourself. And hopefully feel more comfortable about coming to you when he does want more space, instead of pushing you away to take it. But only if you can pull it off without getting hurt by what he may say.

 

That's kind of a long shot though. Most people freeze up as soon as the gf/bf brings up anything related to possible getting hurt.

[paranoidpatty]

He's definitely a "one woman" guy. He made that clear from the outset, and we've discussed his past relationships--3 long term ones, and that's it. I've been doing a lot of thinking during this brief "hiatus" from seeing him, and I think we, okay, I KNOW we rushed the sexual part of our relationship. Not really sure if that would freak a guy out or not...but it's freaking me out, since his attention is not consistent with what I look for from someone I'm sleeping with...yet. It's still really early days--a month isn't all that long to have been dating someone. And he keeps sending e-mails about mundane things, just keeping the dialogue going. I'm waiting to reply, and being a bit elusive when I do.

 

I think he is probably second-guessing diving back into something--I just want to put his mind at ease and have my sweet, attentive man back. And I think maybe the way to do that is to be a little less available on my end?

 

Walk, you give really good advice.

[Mz. Pixie]

Have you read "He's just not that into you?"

[paranoidpatty]

Yeah, I think it's kind of small-minded.

[Mz. Pixie]

Really? Well there's alot to it actually. It's pretty accurate in my experience of how men treat women when they are really interested vs just playing around.

 

Look I'm not being cruel, just honest with you. If you wanted someone to paint a big happy picture and blow smoke up your rump you came to the wrong place.

 

If he was really into you as much as you are to him he would call you, want to see you, etc. Even if he was scared. "Scared" is a excuse that women usually make to rationalize it when a guy isn't treating them the way they want to be treated. I'd say a large percentage of the time.

 

Also, just because a guy tells you "I'm a one woman man" and all kinds of good things about himself doesn't mean it's true. Doesn't mean it's not- but men or women both don't go about saying the real truth most of the time. He's not going to say, "I enjoy banging ya and spending time with you when I don't have anything better to do." Because that's not going to get him results.

[Walk]

Mz. Pixie could be right. You do have to take that into account.

 

Not sure that's really it though, maybe to a degree. Kind of sounds like he's taking inventory of the situation. It's hard to read a strangers mind.

 

I had asked if he'd come out of a long relationship, because I acted a bit like that after getting out of my LTR. Got attached, got scared, pulled away. The guy I was seeing was really understanding even though I never explained to him much on how I was feeling. He just stayed in contact, if I wanted to see him we'd go out and have fun. If not, I knew he had his own life, and his own friends. So I didn't have to feel guilty about not wanting to see him for a bit. It wasn't that I didn't like him, or that he wasn't a great person. I just had my own demons I needed to combat before I could subject another human to them.

 

Anyway, I think if he's still emailing you that's a good sign. The best you can do for yourself is to continue living your life to the fullest. If he chooses to be a participant in it, then he should be honored. If not, then it will be his loss. You sound like an incredibly sane woman, and he'd be the one losing out on the deal.

 

Also, maybe suggest some not so intimate activites. Just keep it fun and share time together, but not on a gotta talk, gotta be intimate, level. Like go bike riding together, or play pool, or go skiing, hiking, find a car show, or flea market to go to. Let him know that afterward, you're going home and he's freed up. No presumption of his having to go home with you, or have to spend a single second more with you. I've found a lot of guys get stressed out about that. Basically put a time cap on it. Tell him you have until a certain time, and then you've gotta go home for some reason, alone. I've just noticed that a lot of times guys don't want to tell a girl that they want the evening to end without having to spend the entire evening holding them, but they don't want to hurt the woman by saying this. So instead, they avoid the woman. Especially if the guy is hesitant on starting a new relationship. Take the pressure off of him so you two can enjoy the time together without his worrying you'll want all his time.

[paranoidpatty]

Well, the e-mails about our mutual interests continue...and the timestamp on them indicates that he writes to me right after he gets home from work. I know that this isn't IDEAL, Mz. Pixie, and doesn't go along with the "into you" blueprint, but I think that Walk is right that things progressed really quickly, and maybe he needs to jump back somewhat. We get along like a house on fire whenever we're together, I think I just need to be patient and not try to rush things along. Hopefully he'll want to hang out this weekend, but I'm going to leave the ball in his court. If I do get to see him, I think I'm going to make a conscious effort to tone down my own physical displays of affection. Let him take the lead, and so forth. I really think he is a good guy--a Clark Kent, not a Lex Luthor. It is so early and so fragile, I worry that I've done irreparable damage by disobeying every dating book in the world and rushing into a sexual relationship with this fellow. I think sometimes I equate sex with acceptance, and that's something I have to work on on my own. So, yeah...I think he and I BOTH probably need to switch gears.

[Mz. Pixie]

It just happens that I have alot in common with what's going on with you right now, or as in I did in the past.

 

When I met my husband- he was divorced and had been for a while. I was separated and living alone and divorcing. He'd been cheated on after only 18 months of marriage and his exwife went on for 18 months, ended up getting pregnant by the other guy before their divorce was final.

 

Really, there couldn't have been anyone more afraid of a relationship than he probably was.

 

Yet, when we met and clicked (and slept together too soon) he never pulled back, never played games, never got wierd. When it's just right it usually is. He knew it and he didn't want to lose the good thing he had with me. He knew that crap would be unacceptable and it was never an issue. I joke that we were together from the very first date forward and we were. Fast forward a year and we're married.

 

I personally have never known anyone who has pulled back from being too scared where it worked out later on but I guess it could happen. Haven't you ever heard of the guy who dumps his long term girlfriend who he's never proposed to- then two months later gets married to someone else??

 

I'm not saying he's a bad guy- my question is more is he as into you as you are him?? Perhaps not, and that's a terrible place to be.

[Mz. Pixie]

PP-

 

Just for kicks I asked my husband about this last night, just to see what the male take was on this. He said it could be a couple of things. It could be that the sex just wasn't up to par with what the guy preferred. He said that mainly guys if they are having sex- even if it's not as good as the last woman they are with- well they still like it because they are having sex. It could also be that he's got his eye on someone else and keeping you in the wings as a backburner type of girl. He agreed with me that while the guy might like you, it may not be that he likes you as much as you'd like him to- thus the lack of phone calls, during the week dates.

 

He said- you know- if a tree lover is driving down the road and they pass a nice tree they might admire it, slow down to look at it, etc. But if they pass the most beautiful, delightful tree they have ever met?? Well, they are going to turn around, stop at that tree, take pictures of it, and probably take out a pencil and draw it too. Then they are going to continue to go back to that tree and look at it and admire it and make a point to drive past it- because it's the most beautiful delightful tree they've ever seen and they don't want to miss out on seeing it.

 

He also confirmed what I already know. Men are not that complicated. Now, if they are in love they might analyze the hell out of the relationship and the ups and downs etc but otherwise no. They want to eat, sleep, have sex and watch sports. Literally.

 

Just a guys take on the situation for you.

[paranoidpatty]

The whole marvelous truth came out this weekend:

 

It turns out that over the past two weeks, he's suddenly decided to get therapy/medication for his OCD, anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and alcoholism. For the first time in his whole life. And I'm the only person that he's told about this decision. And part of the reason why he's doing it is because he doesn't want to screw things up with me. He says he loves everything about me, and being around me is one of the only things that make him happy these days, and he wants to be a fixture in my life for a really long, long time, because basically he wanders around thinking about me constantly. So he's working on his brain. And we're going to take things really slow from here on out.

 

I'm sort of, well, flabbergasted. But very pleased. Because he ****ing rules more than anyone I've ever met, ever.

[Mz. Pixie]

Alcoholism??? Whoa, that's alot on a plate for a new relationship.

 

Glad you got some information anyway that made you feel better. I'd think carefully before going into something long term with someone without some sobriety under their belt.

 

AA usually advises a year sober.