Sevilla Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 Hello everyone! The last few days I have felt jealousy and a painful sensation of neglect in my relationship. I will start with a bit of a context. I am a woman and I have been in a relationship with a guy close to my age (we are both in our early 20s) for almost 8 months. He is outgoing, friendly with everyone, an extrovert and caring for everyone around him. I met him in college, we were colleagues, and I am the 2nd girl he has been in a relationship with. Since college he was hanging out with a group of girls he still is friends with and really, most of his friends are girls. I think this might have to do with the fact he grew up with 2 older sisters, but he just seems to get along easier with girls than with other guys. To me it is a bit odd as I have never had a friendship with a guy, but I understand that is possible. My problem with this is connected to the fact that I can not know exactly how much or how he feels about them. I have always doubted people a little, no matter how much I wish I could trust them. At some point I was wondering if I am not just a replacement for one of these girls he is friends with. But this post is not specifically about them as recently my attention was directed to another friend of his, an older one. They were good friends for an year, their friendship started like 5 years ago. She went to work abroad and that's when she cut the contact with him, and IIRC, he told me it was because she thought he was getting too close to her. At that time she already had a boyfriend, and she still is together with him to this day. I trust my boyfriend that he wouldn't hit on girls who are in a relationship, as that trust is based on some discussions we had on this topic. The thing is, this girl came back into his life last year, apologizing for cutting him off like she did. He forgave her and started talking again. I don't know her personally, everything I know about her is from him. From what I hear, it sounds like she feels down many times and that she always has problems. My boyfriend buys her gifts, talks to her a lot, meaning everyday in the last 1-2 weeks and also often before that. He mentions her everyday. He told me how she was sad one day and he took pictures for her from his walk to make her feel better. Sweet, right? Well, sure, but I can't help but feel anxious about this closeness between them. I know they are talking now as I am typing this one, he told me. He doesn't hide the fact he talks to her. What they talk about, that I don't know. All I know is how bad he felt that he called her later one evening (he was with me, he called her after he left) as he promised her he would call her. She didn't seem happy that he didn't call earlier, even though he told her he was at my place (he didn't want to make the call with me since he considered it rude to me). Now, about how I feel and see this. I have nothing against opposite sex friendships, although I believe they might be more complicated. I know how important the emotional connection is in a relationship and how it can destroy a friendship and turn it into something romantic. Yes, I don't feel comfortable with the fact that he talks to her so much and it seems he always tries to save her from her problems. God forgave me, but sometimes I feel she makes them up. Besides, I don't understand; what kind of relationship she has and why does she need to talk about all of her problems with my boyfriend she ghosted for 4 years? Why did she come back? I am confused and it hurts. I feel jealous but mostly I feel neglected. I am afraid they will, if they don't have it already, develop a very strong bond that may ruin my relationship with him. I don't want to look jealous, insecure or controlling, but how do I manage this without creating problems and still get honest answers? How does he really feel about her? What should I do? I feel sick. I don't want to be my partner's second person. Is it me who has problems? Probably I do, I was always afraid I am not important to others and this is a situation that triggers me in this way. I can't let it like this but I really don't want to get into their friendship especially as I know friends matter to him a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 Tell her that you would love to meet this very good friend and suggest inviting her and her boyfriend out for lunch. Observe his reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 (edited) Sorry this is happening. He seems to crave and enjoy her attention quite a bit including playing hero to her BF problems. Unfortunately your BF is the problem. Perhaps he's clueless or extremely insecure, but either way, he's a headache you don't need. He's loving this attention and jealousy. He's high on imagining women having cat fights over him. She's not the problem. Take the focus off her completely. It boosts his ego with his imagery harem. Unfortunately he seems quite immature and the only way to deal with this is to set him free. Edited March 3 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 (edited) There's a reason why he has had only 2 relationships ever...he was always friends zoned. He's gotten into the bad habit of being in a girl's orbit, doing everything for them, being there for them, etc. It's all he has known. Now that he's heading into the next phase of life, he needs to be shown what is appropriate behaviour by you needing to set some boundaries. Tell him how it makes you feel, and make a request what is acceptable and what is not. Adjustment is hard for anyone, but we have all been through it. We make reasonable adjustments for the one we love and care about. Communication is key to all relationships to stay healthy and strong. Edited March 3 by smackie9 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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