What if I just want to use the MM?

[Hot Coco]

When you say that I wonder whether it's actually so important that this man is married, or that it's just some man she knows already that is bugging me.

 

I think it's that it's a man she already knows. (for me). I think that she would do much better forgetting what's 'known' 'convenient' or whatever it is... and branching out.

 

I'm not so bothered about his married status, though I think that makes it doubly not a great thing to do.

 

Sami, you SHOULD be bothered about his married status. And the fact that it "makes it doubly not a great thing to do" tells me that you ARE bothered by it. You, just like the OP, know what is right and what is wrong. And this is wrong.

[Hot Coco]

I guess it just seems easier to satisfy myself if I know that I totally connect with this guy, and I don't have to commit to him. I have been separated a few months. I don't "wonder" if the fantasy would be better than reality... sometimes you just know for sure it will be. I have always had amazing sex.

 

I don't want to start with someone new right now, I am devoting my time to my kids, thus no time for "new" connections, much less relationships.

That is why I posed the question, especially if I have NO intention of taking him away from his family - ever. I know I could easily have sex with 100 men at any given time if I wanted to call them as I am considered extremely attractive, but I would never do that.

 

I cant 'bear doing without the sex and I can't bear putting the energy into a new relationship any time in the near future......

 

I don't get it. If it's just sex. Have it with anyone. You're not trying to start a new relationship. Just have sex. But with any single guy you find attractive. You don't have to "start" anything.

[Hot Coco]

Why would it be different if it said 'I just want to use this man'?

 

Or is that not what you're saying?

 

To me, it WOULD be different if she was just saying "I just want to use this man." It would be WAY different.

[Hot Coco]

Sorry, about all my posts. It's just that I don't know how to do the quoting thing where you can quote from different posts and respond all at once. Forgive me for that!

[whichwayisup]

Why would it be different if it said 'I just want to use this man'?

 

Or is that not what you're saying?

 

Ok I'm confused, it's possible I mixed up a quote in there somewhere but I have NO clue what you're talking about now. My reply about MM is meant for the original poster Sami, not you.

 

If you want to use "a man" then do just that. Sex buddy...All I AM saying is, it should not be with a married man. It's just a poor choice in judgement and a situation one should not enter. A single guy - Great! Set up the rules and have some fun...

[seachange]

I don't want to start with someone new right now, I am devoting my time to my kids, thus no time for "new" connections, much less relationships.

That is why I posed the question, especially if I have NO intention of taking him away from his family - ever.

 

Um. If you're worried about having a relationship that's going to take up a lot of time and emotional energy, I strongly suggest you not go there.

 

Oy. You have read the other threads on this board, right?

 

Are you kidding us with this?

[Sheba]

I think that by allowing yourself to consider this you are admiting to being an extremely selfish person. If you want to have sex, go ahead! If you are terribly attractive I am certain there are many single men who would gladly have sex with you, on your "no relationship terms".

 

By saying you would like to "use" your friend without regard for his feelings or his wife's feelings you are saying that your sexual satisfaction is more important to you than your friend or his relationship with his wife and children. What sort of friend are you? Would you take his money if you wanted it, because it was more convenient than earning money, and leave his children hungry, too?

 

If there were such a thing as criminal selfishness, you would be convicted.

 

This may be the coldest post I have read on this forum to date.

 

I sure hope this poster is a fraud.

[newbby]

i understand where you are coming from. to meet up with a single guy involves taking a big risk about what he wants from you. even if he says he's cool for just sex, you just dont know. also what if your feelings get involved. what if you become dependent? what does that mean for your children etc? bringing in somebody new, its all so complicated. on the other hand, you dont want just one night stands for sex, thats way too cold and probably not very enjoyable because for women especially there has to be some sort of mental connection. this mm seems like the perfect solution, i know exactly what you are saying. trouble is, once the mm/ow relationship begins, it is a very addictive fantasy relationship, i fear you would end up getting hurt.

[seachange]

to meet up with a single guy involves taking a big risk about what he wants from you. even if he says he's cool for just sex, you just dont know. also what if your feelings get involved. what if you become dependent? what does that mean for your children etc? bringing in somebody new, its all so complicated. on the other hand, you dont want just one night stands for sex, thats way too cold and probably not very enjoyable because for women especially there has to be some sort of mental connection.

 

But all of these things are risks you take with a MM, too, aren't they? How is it different?

 

this mm seems like the perfect solution.

 

I'm not sure that I see that it as three possible sides: i.e. relationship with single guy, casual no-strings sex with single guy, and casual sex with married guy she "connects" as a kind of compromise.

 

Instead, I see two possibilities: her heart gets involved, or it doesn't. (Conversely, his does or it doesn't - so in that sense, I guess you could say there are four possible outcomes.) If what the OP wants is a relationship of convenience where she can scratch the sexual itch without anyone getting hurt, I see far more potential for emotional fallout than having a NSA relationship with a single guy.

 

it is a very addictive fantasy relationship, i fear you would end up getting hurt.

 

Or, he would. Or his family would find out, and they would. Lots of people could get hurt in this scenario. Those risks don't make sense to me for the OP's stated goals: something basically NSA and casual.

[whichwayisup]

I sure hope this poster is a fraud.

 

Well, considering the poster hasn't come back, who knows. Probably didn't like what was being said, and left.

[cal gal]

No, I am still here... just taking in the advice as it moves along. I totally appreciate all the input, as this is not a fraud, it just is a very difficult spot to be in. I know most women wouldn't think it should be. I am wondering how the men do such things without seeming to feel bad about it. Please continue to correspond as I am trying to be open to what you all are saying. I know it's not right and I never thought I would ever consider this. Thanks for any advice you have.

[whichwayisup]

I know it's not right and I never thought I would ever consider this.

With that being said, cal gal, you DO have the strength to walk away from it. You have a choice. If you choose to sleep with this married man, knowing ALL the facts as we've shown you - That is your problem and you will be responsible for what pain you cause in the future. Don't doubt it won't happen, because it will. I know you know that too. If you choose not to sleep with him, then noone gets hurt.

[Sami_D]

I am wondering how the men do such things without seeming to feel bad about it... I know it's not right.

 

You're struggling to do what you know isn't right... Unless you feel it's OK on some level, then it won't be possible for you to do this thing. No one can do anything unless they can justify it to themselves (OR, don't consider the act at all before they do it).

 

Are you looking for reasons that it would be OK to do this..? I don't think you'll find any on this forum.

 

But hasn't he already turned you down? Or what is he saying now..?

[cal gal]

But hasn't he already turned you down? Or what is he saying now..?

 

 

He hasn't turned me down .... and we haven't moved forward with it except for kissing (which was hot to say the least). We had talked about getting away together (twice), however we haven't done that either.

I am thinking I might tell him that we can't go down this road.

I still feel like I would just really want to have sex with him though, especially since he understands that I would never make any demands on him to leave his family.

I really am feeling torn.

[whichwayisup]

I am thinking I might tell him that we can't go down this road.

I still feel like I would just really want to have sex with him though, especially since he understands that I would never make any demands on him to leave his family.

I really am feeling torn.

 

But you're opening a can of worms if you DO have sex with him. Don't you see it?? HE IS MARRIED. I know you want him and he wants you - But he should only be making love to his wife. He took vows and yes, even though you say you don't want anything from him except sex, it's only a matter of time before he falls for you even more and you start to develop deep feelings for him. I don't understand why you can't see that cal gal. You don't know what kind of demands you will put on him in the future! Right now the situation hasn't fully formed but 3 months down the road, you will want more from him, your heart and emotions will lead you down that path. The fact the sexual chemistry is so strong says there is something there anyway.

 

Please, don't do this to his family. To his wife. To yourself, let alone him. Be smart and just think of the whole picture! Sorry if I sound harsh, but you're about to make the biggest mistake of your life.

[newbby]

sorry wwiu, i just have to say that when you keep coming out with stuff like "he took vows" it doesnt really mean much when he clearly isnt all that bothered about his vows. it means nothing to an ow who is either being pursued by a mm, or knows she can easily have one. can you see that?

anyway, i dont think its a good idea cal gal, just because the situation is one where you have absolutely no power. he has already told you he is pretty happily married. you just want sex from him, but IF your emotions get involved then you are in a very weak position. there arent many women who can feel ok about sex when the other does not have feelings for them. when the act is done and he is cold to you because he feels guilty and fears the repurcussions, you will feel like a cheap piece of s***. he will act like this too, no matter what he says or appears to be like now.

[cal gal]

Tell me do you all think that when a man even "considers" someone outside of his marriage he is unhappy in the marriage?

Just wanted thoughts about it...

[whichwayisup]

I understand that - But cal gal has been the betrayed spouse too - SO she knows what pain will be inflicted on his wife by HER actions by pursuing this married man.

 

You just justified my point too - HE told her he was happily married so therefore if he is that happy then he should have NO PROBLEM living up to his vows.

 

Tell me do you all think that when a man even "considers" someone outside of his marriage he is unhappy in the marriage?

Just wanted thoughts about it...

 

It could mean many things. Bordem and wanting to capture the new crush like feeling we all get at the beginning of new relationships, he could be in it to see how far it will go. Could be an ego boost or he really isn't as happy as he seems.

 

If you are this man's friend, the best advice you can give him is to work hard to fix his marriage. Go to counselling with his wife and be a friend to him, listen and that is all. Don't take advantage of it.

[seachange]

Tell me do you all think that when a man even "considers" someone outside of his marriage he is unhappy in the marriage?

Just wanted thoughts about it...

 

Ditto what wwiu said about this. She summed it up nicely - to wit: it could mean any number of things.

 

But his happiness in his marriage isn't the point, is it? The more important point is that this is starting to sound like you want something more than sex after all.

 

So, if we consider that feelings are very likely to be involved, one way or another, I refer you back to my above post - the "lots of people could get hurt" scenario. Yes, including you. Happily married or not, you're opening a very messy can of worms for everybody. Which is what you said you don't want to do.

 

What a tangled web we weave...

[veronese]

We are great friends and very attracted to each other and I know he would comply. Even though we have a very emotional connection -I really don't want a relationship with him - I just really want to have sex with someone I don't have to start at the beginning with.

 

As this MM is a 'great family friend', I guess your respective children are friends too? And his wife? Is she your friend too? You may not want a relationship with him but his wife does. Wanting to have sex so badly you are contemplating shagging her husband seems just a teeny bit callous, or do you not think so?

 

He understand this but has expressed that he is afraid that if he "goes there" he will fall in love with me, as we have alot in common.

 

You've already discussed the strength of your mutual attraction to one another including your desire to have sex with him haven't you? You said he understands (what you want?) but is 'afraid of "going there" in case he falls in love with you.' Having sex with this MM knowing he may well fall in love with you is your idea of uncomplicated sex?

 

He has a great wife and family and I would never ask him to give that up.

 

You're so sweet to never ask him to leave his great wife and family, a truly magnanimous gesture on your part say I! You should let the wife know how thoughtful you are.

You are having an EA with this guy, you've crossed a line already. The conversations you have with him would horrify his wife if she heard them.

 

Do you think it is just using HIM to satisfy MY needs for sex?

 

Well yes, you would be just using him, is that what's bothering you most? Well now you know the answer you wonder how should you procede?

 

More maturely would be my suggestion and with some self-control too. Give some thought to some other questions.

 

1. Do you want your nice friends marriage to break up as a result of your sexual frustration?

 

2. Do you want to break his wife's heart, his heart, and the hearts of their children?

 

3. Do you want to risk the repercussions of the affair being discovered?

BWs are sometimes so traumatised by their husband's affairs they actually become mentally unstable for a period immediately after they find out? Do you realise how unpredictable, irrational, angry and devestated some feel? Many are intent on revenge, many go and get it.

 

Your MM, his wife and children are not the only ones who could be hurt. You obviously don't care about them to be pursuing this man, but do you care about your kids safety and well being?

 

4. Haven't you got any old male friends? Single ones? You said you're attractive so I'm sure one of them would oblige you with a quick shag

 

6. Could a vibrator do the trick for the time being?

 

If you are fully aware of the enormity of what you are considering doing, and are also perpared to take responsibility for your behaviour, then go get into his pants as fast as you can.

 

On your own head be it

[whichwayisup]

Great post Veron.

 

Cal, please really listen and 'understand' the advice given.

 

Reverse the situation - WOULD you like a family friend who is a woman to make love to YOUR husband, no strings attached ofcourse, just purely for sex. No harm, no foul...Just pure honest sex. "Oh no, we didn't mean for anybody to get hurt! Just thought having sex even though I'm married would be okay. We had NO intention of letting feelings get in the way - But it happened anyway..." How do you think you'd feel, a family friend, someone you've known and trusted - To start banging YOUR husband? Didn't you say you've been cheated upon? I don't understand now how you could willingly be considering this situation.

[veronese]

QUOTE=cal gal]

He hasn't turned me down .... and we haven't moved forward with it except for kissing (which was hot to say the least).

We had talked about getting away together (twice), however we haven't done that either.

I still feel like I would just really want to have sex with him though, especially since he understands that I would never make any demands on him to leave his family.

I really am feeling torn.

 

How you can spout this bollocks baffles me. This is about more than just sex and you bloody know it. It's all the talk, the snogs, the suspense, the danger. You're feeling really torn? Oh you poor little diddums. Maybe you should take your pretty arse back to your own world then. This 'torn' feeling you speak of is a walk in the park compared to how you're going to feel if this goes on.

 

Do married men behave like this if they're happily married? Of course they do, especially when they have a bitch on heat hanging around them. They are only human you know.

 

But rest assured madam, the mere fact you even ask this question is proof if proof is needed that you are full of crap. Why do you care if he's happy or not? You're not after anything more than his body are you? Who gives a toss how he feels about his wife? DOn't know why you care actually, that's between them and isn't your business really. You say some funny things for someone who claims to only want sex.

 

You've already got a relationship with this guy. Stop kidding yourself that you're not a threat to his wife and family, you've mentioned it twice already.

 

You are a threat to his family.His wife now shares her husband's emotions, energy, passion and attention with you.

 

Well seeing as you've reached the 'hot' kisses stage you'll probably get what you want real soon. Don't worry about whether you're using him or not, you've told him what kind of woman you are so he knows what this is about doesn't he? You're the type who is good for sex, the type married men like best actually. Trust me, you using him is neither here nor there to him because he's using you too.

[newbby]

 

You just justified my point too - HE told her he was happily married so therefore if he is that happy then he should have NO PROBLEM living up to his vows.

 

 

 

 

i wasnt contradicting myself. i was saying that because he SAID it truth or lie, it gives her no power once she sleeps with him. for one thing, it tells him, she doesnt care that i'm married and want to stay with my wife, she will just sleep with me anyway. this means he will lose complete respect for her, for another thing, she will go straight into the just casual sex catagory in his mind.

[newbby]

Tell me do you all think that when a man even "considers" someone outside of his marriage he is unhappy in the marriage?

Just wanted thoughts about it...

 

 

see! already you are wondering. this is more than idle curiosity.

do not sleep with him.

[newbby]

oh and for another thing he has already set up his get out clause