I'm the MM, I love my "OW", we split but I can't go on without her.

[delmin]

I was never really happy in my 10 years of marriage. I made the best of it but I really wanted more in a woman. I cheated 3 times without her knowing and have a gaggle of female friends I drink with without her knowing. I realize now that that was due to my own insecurities. However I recently met a woman who i feel is the love of my life. Even though I'm married, our relationship has developed in a way that I've never experienced before. It has been so open and honest from the start. We both tried to ended knowing that it just can't work out. We agreed that we cared so much for each other that we should end the pain as early as possible. Why bother making new memories? But we couldn't stay away. I moved out after 3 months of cheating thinking I was done with my marriage, and the OW and I went through some trying times but finally after 4 more months with me living on my own, we established a strong "real" relationship that wasn't all flowers and candy all the time. I can't bring myself to divorce to be with the OW because I think the OW will leave me and I don't want to be single. But I can't go back because I feel like I finally found the woman of my dreams (after years of looking while married). We have no kids. I didn't want any. But I envisioned a future with kids and the OW. The OW and I mutally ended things for good and I can't stop crying. I know my wife will have me back and I will be comfortable for the rest of my life, but I can't help but think I am giving up a woman who is actually a better life partner. In counselling I've learned much about myself and about my wife. I blame myself for staying with my wife so long without addressing my and our issues, and I blame her doing the same. But I don't want to go back. i want to start fresh with OW. I wish I had divorced years ago. But I can't give up all that I have gained financially wiht my wife. And I'm not sure Ow will be there in 5 months or 5 years. I'll give it all up just to be left with nothing. I hope this sheds some light on what us MM go through. I realize now that I should have bitched at my wife about my unhappiness rather than cheat, but I didn't. Any feedback is appreciated. I really do love my OW and I the thought of never seeing her again is crushing me. Oh, also, yes, we regularly said "I love you" after a few months of seeing each other. It is real.

[newbby]

love usually involves taking a risk. the risks you are talking about here are mainly material, but there are many emotional risks we take when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to love. so it may not work out, but it may work out. if you always stick with what you know, your life will be safe, but boring. you are only going to live this life once, make the most of it.

[Sami_D]

I just bought 'The Single Woman-Married Man Syndrome' by Richard Tuch. Well actually I ordered it a while ago while i was in NC with my MM so I could work on WHY I managed to get myself into situation and how I could see a way out of it... ironically it took till now to arrive, when I'm back with him for the second time.

 

Our situation sounds something like yours in that we've both tried to break it off during the 18 months we've known each other. He tried first, just a few months into it, in order to work on his marriage (they have children). Then last month I tried breaking it off because I just didn't want to settle into being the OW for years while he wavered over his decision. (as I say, we're now back together again).

 

But back to the book... I flicked through it this morning (will read it in more detail later), but one thing that leapt out at me was the FEAR that the MM in an affair faces about making a choice. And their biggest fear is that the OW will not want him once he's single.

 

I'll add to that that my MM has actually said that to me too. He worries that he will lose everything if he chooses me. I can totally understand that. 'Everything' for my MM includes the love and respect of his young children, and his parents and friends who will see him as a loser for leaving a wife at this point in his children's lives. You're in a different situation, without children.

 

If you really believe that this OW is the woman for you... what is holding you back... is it just the fear? I agree with what Newbby said. You only have one life.

[delmin]

thank you for your responses. Yes, its the fear. I am afraid that i will sell my house, give up a wonderful family of inlaws, have to find an apartment only to have my OW leave me because for whatever reason I'm no longer attractive as a single man to her. I feel like the only way I can do it is if I propose to her and she says yes. then I can leave. but i know that is crazy. There are no guarantees. I think I am just so accustomed to having a wife and knowing that in my case she won't leave me that I am afraid to be in a real relationship where there are no guarantees and no wedding rings. I'm 35 and OW's 26. I really don't want to start life over again with someone else, but I really want to be with her (so I would have to). My issues are financial because I felt i "arrived" with my nice house and cars and vacations. That was important to me. It is just so hard to let go and go back to single income, apartment living. Also, I am afraid that I will regret leaving my wife for the rest of my life because I moved out before we did any counselling. I just am so hopeless that I can be happy with my wife, especially after recent counselling that I am heartbroken and frustrated. But I feel like I have to put in my work on my marriage which is something we never did over the 10 years. If we put in work, and then it doesn't work out, then I can leave with a clear conscious. I just wish I didn't find such a wonderful woman while I am still married. I love her so much and i miss her so much. She was everything I ever wanted and I shared so much with her, things about me I never told my wife. It wasn't perfect, but it was so real and honest. I never complained about my wife with her. I didn't tell her I hated my wife because I don't. We just fell in love. I moved out for her not because she asked, but because I knew I couldn't stay married and be in love like that with someone else. I don't know how I can go on with out her in my life. She asked me not to call her and I haven't but she txtd me last night to tell me this is the right thing for both of us and she loves me. I've never felt so heartbroken. Was it all a mirage or was our love real?

[newbby]

just remember that whatever you decide to do, you have to do wholeheartedly. are you putting the effort in to your marriage because you have given your whole self to this decision? or are you only doing it so that you can leave with a clear conscience? your marriage will never work if your decision is not coming from the right place. how can it? if you are doing it because you want to leave with a clear conscience then you will fail because you WANT to fail.

what is the point in this? it only prolongs things for everyone. if you truly want to work on your marriage, you need to put the ow out of your head and really WORK on your marriage, expecting and hoping for the best.

[sylviaguardian]

OK, so let me get this straight in my head:You don't love your wife, you love the OW and you don't have the energy to make your marriage work but you are afraid to leave your wife because the OW might leave you. Your wife has made you financially better off and you like your in-laws. You have no children because YOU didn't want them.

 

My god, it's all about you isn't it? Don't you have any respect or empathy for the woman you married? If you think it was a mistake staying with her for 10 years, then BE A MAN and leave. It's not all about you. You are making sure that wife never gets the chance to meet someone who respects and loves her and doesn't just use her as their little safety net while they whinge on about how they are missing out on the true love of their life. Take a look at what you wrote and see it from someone else's point of view:

 

]I was never really happy in my 10 years of marriage. I made the best of it but I really wanted more in a woman. I cheated 3 times without her knowing and have a gaggle of female friends I drink with without her knowing.

 

I take it your wife has been extremely happy though with her 'perfect husband'

 

However I recently met a woman who i feel is the love of my life. Even though I'm married, our relationship has developed in a way that I've never experienced before. It has been so open and honest from the start.

 

Sorry, but what is open and honest about cheating on someone who has given you ten years of their life in good faith?

 

I can't bring myself to divorce to be with the OW because I think the OW will leave me and I don't want to be single. But I can't go back because I feel like I finally found the woman of my dreams (after years of looking while married).

 

What you mean is that you don't have the balls to be without a safety net.

 

We have no kids. I didn't want any. But I envisioned a future with kids and the OW.

 

Of course, you are going to treat the OW so much better than you did your wife aren't you. Get real

 

I wish I had divorced years ago. But I can't give up all that I have gained financially wiht my wife.

 

But surely if you love the OW as much as you say you do, the money wouldn't matter?

 

And I'm not sure Ow will be there in 5 months or 5 years. I'll give it all up just to be left with nothing.

 

And your wife has given up ten years to end up with a self-centred cheat.

 

I hope this sheds some light on what us MM go through. I realize now that I should have bitched at my wife about my unhappiness rather than cheat, but I didn't.

 

No not 'bitched at her'. What is she - a feelingless lump? Perhaps you could have tried 'communicating' with her or trying to understand her point of view?

 

Any feedback is appreciated. I really do love my OW and I the thought of never seeing her again is crushing me. Oh, also, yes, we regularly said "I love you" after a few months of seeing each other. It is real.

 

So 'real' that you don't want to give up any financial gains for her and you think she won't be around in five years.

 

I am sorry to be rude but posts like this really annoy me. You treat your wife like a useful commodity and not a person with feelings or wants or desires of her own. The best thing you could do would be to leave her. Nobody deserves this callous treatment.

 

Sylvia

[Sami_D]

Does your wife know you moved out because of the OW? What does she think is going on? Are you still moved out? How come you'd been moved out for 4 months and your OW broke it off... because you told her you 'can't' get divorced?

 

Is your inability to commit to anything ruining (ruined?) your relationships with both women? Putting a ring on someone's finger isn't supposed to make them commit to you while you continue to be 'uncertain' about what you want and where you'll get it.

 

How are you going to get around all this fear and uncertainty?

[Malifecent]

Don't be afraid of being single. I left a 9 year relationship that I was comfortable but unhappy with to be with my MM. He is still with his wife, and I still consider myself single but I am far happier than I was when I was in the long term relationship and I had never lived alone or even really been single for my entire adult life....I was scared to death actually. If you are unhappy enough to cheat, and unhappy enough to want to be with someone else in with your marriage you owe it to yourself and your wife to leave and go become happy with someone else. Personally I think it is such a waste to stay with someone because of security. If the other woman doesn't come around there will be other woman for you. But if they see that you are unsure of where your separation/marriage is going they may run the other way. From personal experience I know I would *lol*. I hope you figure out what to do.

[whichwayisup]

I can't bring myself to divorce to be with the OW because I think the OW will leave me and I don't want to be single.

 

You can't live life that way...And treat YOUR wife like a second prize. So, if the OW doesn't want you - Then you'll stay at home with your wife. If the OW tells you she wants to be with you forever, and not to worry, that all will work out, then you'll dump your wife and be with OW? You need therapy and you need to sort this out. What you're doing to BOTH women is very unfair.

 

There are consquences and things you give up in life when people split up. Inlaws, friends, neighbours, history, etc...DO NOT STAY with your wife for those reasons...Again, she isn't second prize and if you do not love her, then get a divorce, be single for a year - Learn how to BE on your own, without living with OW. How can one jump out of a marriage and into a relationship so soon? If it won't work out, that would be the reason right there! The emotions and pain of losing the marriage, even by your choice - Still has to happen...The OW shouldn't have to be around you during that time. Make sense?

 

Consider some one on one therapy to help you sort this out.

[she_9325]

"I hope this sheds some light on what us MM go through." - delmin

 

oh boo hoo.

 

are you f*ing kidding? how about what your WIFE is going through putting up with you.

 

what an a**h***. buck up and treat your wife with the truth and a divorce.

[whichwayisup]

He has a right to speak his mind here, whether you agree or disagree with what he says, he's being honest and looking for help. Give advice to help, don't just bash the guy!

[Wind]

You mentioned you have been to counseling, I think you also might want to pursue this further but not to discuss your relationships with others but your relationship to yourself. Please consider that feelings of security come from within and neither your W or OT can give that to you. Also, if you try to grasp on to any woman with fear of them leaving, you could wind up smothering or simply creating a situation where they will leave. Which ever path you decide, being comfortable and secure in your own skin with be a strong attractor to either of them or to whatever new doors might open for you.

[Mr.Terrible]

Wow, most of what you said is what I'm going through right now except I am in the process of working things out with my wife and we do have kids. I was in a relatonship for almost a year until my W found out a few months ago. Things are really bad right now but were working it out. I didnt think I loved my wife but I had to dig down deep to find those feelings that I once had a long time ago. Ten years is a long time to find yourself. I think 10 years of your life and your W life is worth working on. Dont spend 10 years with the OW just to fall out of love with her. Your right, cheating isn't the answer and maybe you will never be happy no matter what you do. I was given a choice and I chose my wife and kids. That was the right thing to do and I'm gonna stick to my guns and try and work it out. Just do the right thing man and after some time passes hopefully you will know that you made the right choice. I know how you feel I said I "love you" to the OW and wrote it all the time too. I felt it was real as well, it probably was or is but you have to choose and stick with it or you will tear yourself apart second guessing yourself

good luck

[OldEurope]

Maybe the OW is indeed the woman you love and cherish, and not your wife, and maybe your marriage has run a course that is not retrieveable. I just do not understand the mentality of staying in bad, loveless marriages..at all.

[Sami_D]

I still can't understand why, after leaving your W, you and OW ended it.

 

Has OW done that NC thing till you sort yourself out? What did she say to you before you split with her? Was she tired of waiting for the D?

 

Do you honestly think you can go back to your W and work on it and have a good relationship for the rest of your life with her?

 

This just goes to show that it's not just the OW and W who go through the mangle as a result of an affair. I hope people thinking of having an A because it seems to solve their short-term problems are reading this...

[seachange]

I think it also goes to show that people have affairs for umpteen reasons - and many times, it's not about simply falling out of love with one's spouse and in love with someone else. I'd say far more often it has to do with some void that the person who cheats is himself experiencing - basically he can't stand to look within and figure out what's wrong, and instead projects his pain and dissatisfaction onto the people closest to him (thereby deciding that they're obviously the problem, not himself).

 

Which is very similar to what Mr. Terrible said:

 

cheating isn't the answer and maybe you will never be happy no matter what you do.

 

which is why, if that person doesn't figure out what the real problem is, and face it and deal with it within himself, he may become a serial cheater. Because he'll never fill up that void with another person, though he'll keep looking.

[delmin]

she_9325, thanks for your 2 cents. What makes you think my wife doesn't deserve what she's getting? I'm glad you were able to share your conclusions with us, it does add to the value of this forum, and I'm not being sarcastic.

 

The main reason I think I can't leave my wife is because after 4 months of living on my own and dating my OW (we don't live together) and a month of weekly couples counselling with my wife, I can't help but wonder if the problem is within me. While I do have a list a mile long of complaints that I should have addressed years ago with my wife, there must be some void, some insecurity within me that led me to stray. Then again, I could be so insecure I settled for a woman that doesn't know how to love, that doesn't respect people and that is so insecure with herself she treats everyone around her like ****. I felt confident this is why I should leave her, but I didn't do it until I had another train in the station.

Either way, the problem lies within myself and only living on my own these four months and a bout of individual therapy has made this clear. Yet, the reason I can't leave is because I need to know for sure if I can be happy with this woman I married. Yes it is all about me, my wants and my issues. If I settled for my wife, then I should figure out why and let her go as quickly as possible. I can always get another house. I'll go back wholeheartedly, but this time I will stand up for myself and I will not accept anything less that respectful treatment from my wife. If she can't be civil with those she loves, she doesn't deserve me. Its just too bad I had to have an affair and move out on her for both us to begin to realize our individual issues.

[delmin]

Mr. Terrible,

How did you get over your OW? How did you tell her it was over? How were you able to go on without her? How long did it take before you could have feelings for your wife again? Thanks!

[OldEurope]

Holy Moly Cow....Am I the only person out there who actually ENJOYED being single, who did not have to have "trains in the station" to make a move away from a relationship situation, and who was not moth-eaten alive by the insecurity of being alone??? Mon Dieu, even when I did not like being single I liked being single. I had a glamorous bachlorette pad, suitors, freedom, peaceful egotistical self involvement galore, spontaneous travel and adventure, and the feeling of excitement that something fascinating was just around the corner---and with the right ATTITUDE folks it is!!!!

 

But when I read these weepy posts about "I cannot be alone" and "I am afraid to do x y or z" or "I settled because I do not have any confidence in myself" ...I cannot stand it. ONE TIME AROUND on this planet kids, that is all it is. Stop wasting time!

 

As the great Auntie Mame said (watch the movie): "Life is a banquet--only most poor suckers are starving to death"

[newbby]

whilst i do agree with what you are saying, and it is only us that limit ourselves, i should imagine that lack of confidence is an inconcievable to somebody who has never suffered it as depression is to somebody who has never had depression. i know you could answer "i have it but i overcome it", but all anybody can judge on is their own experience, unconfidence as you know it, may be nothing in severity compared to another.

on the whole though, you are correct, and even those who dont have the finances for spontanious adventure and travel can take the self imposed restrictions off their enjoyment of life.

[Israfil]

delmin,

 

About your marriage...

 

You are unhappy in your marriage. I do not believe that staying in it, for whatever reasons, will actually make you a happier man. And certainly, staying in a marriage as an unhappy man is not going to make your wife happy either. For the both of you, I think ending the marriage is not only inevitable, and is probably the right choice, and the best choice for you both. I also applaud you for getting counseling, and going through this process of self-discovery. You will be a better person for it.

 

Bottom line: staying in your marriage is a choice that will benefit no one. If you get out of your marriage, perhaps you and your OW will make it, perhaps you won’t. But I believe you will be happier either way, than staying in your marriage.

[goingforgold]

Get a life & set your wife free, she deserves to be with a man who really loves her not someone that is staying with her for finanical gains.

 

I hope your "OW" dumps you like trash and cheats on you - u so deserve it!!

[Sami_D]

... the reason I can't leave is because I need to know for sure if I can be happy with this woman I married.

 

... a woman that doesn't know how to love, that doesn't respect people and that is so insecure with herself she treats everyone around her like ****.

 

Is it yourself you're unhappy with, or your wife..? It sounds to me like you really don't like her, and any relationship you have with her will be full of arguments. Does she know about the OW? What does she think about continuing the marriage now..?

 

Also, you didn't say what happened between you and OW to make you split up. Forgive me if you don't want to reply to this, but that part was interesting to me.

[reader]

When I was in marriage counseling years ago, my counselor told me that in every relationship, the time comes where you have to make a choice... a decision... to stay or go.

 

When I started reading this thread, my inclination was that you should do your wife a favor and leave, so you can both move forward. After reading more, I think you are doing the right thing - go to counseling - take from it what makes sense to you - and make a decision. What will a few months hurt? If you are meant to be with a certain person, it should happen "cleanly", up front, out in the open, and honest.

 

Not all advice from professionals is right for you - Psychology is an Art, not a Science. I got some good and some bad advice from different ones. The advice that worked were the most practical...

 

For example, make sure you can explain the decisions you make, especially if you have children. If you can explain it, people can accept it a lot better than if you are just sort of esoteric about the whole thing. They might not understand that you weren't/aren't "happy" because they probably aren't and misery loves company, but that might be enough of a reason for you!

 

Have the courage of your convictions, take your time, think about having respect for your spouse (this is the one thing that stopped me!), and it doesn't matter if she doesn't have respect for you, in the sense that you have to focus on doing the right thing for you and the people around you.

 

Personally, I agree with OldEurope about being single. I liked it, and still keep a part of myself for myself now, even though I am remarried. I have my own friends, my own bank account, my own cell phone and my own dreams. I share the rest.

 

Good luck!

 

Reader

[delmin]

I love how some people feel cheating is so wrong and that I should go straight to hell (or have my OW cheat on me). I don't live in the world of black and white which makes my situation so difficult. Anyways, thanks for everyone for your input thus far.

 

Sami D:

 

I have had 3 flings and this is the first full blown love affair. My psychologist said there is no point in telling my wife about this because it is symptomatic of problems in our relationship and not the cause. At that point I was 100% decided to leave her so it didn't matter that I cheated. Why burden her with more details and more pain. I was leaving due to her mistreatment and that was bad enough on her. She was gone either way. At that time I also blamed my wife 100% for my unhappiness. Now I have learned that my unhappiness stems from choosing her for the wrong reasons. She is not worthy of the best of me and I didn't give it to her. I stayed with her for other reasons and I'm sure she would like more from a husband than I gave her. She should find another bloke to bully because I'm done with it.

 

My OW and I split up several times. The situtaion gets awkward at times. My intellect tells me that there is no way the OW can be the one. She is a rebound and I'm not single anyways. But then I feel like I've been looking for her my entire adult life, thus the flings. I hooked up with three birds, and I have alot of bird friends. I think this is because I've been shopping for a new girlfriend the entire time I was putting up with abusive, unloving treatment from my wife. My wife was more interested in being married than being with me. Who wants to be with a woman like that? [to all you women out there who love to lash out at "cheaters" like me, please be aware of how you treat your own man, is it the trappings of marriage (wedding planning, home decorating, etc) you love or your husband???]

 

So my OW says she loves me but I need to sort out my issues. We both agreed no good can come from this situation. After so many months I still am undecided and I have been open about my thinking with the OW. Tears come to her eyes when I tell her I'm afraid to leave my wife and she storms off, but then the next day she thanks me for sharing with her. Ironically, I feel like I need to be 110% honest with her, something I never was with my wife.