The So-Powerful Initial Spark

[Nur]

I'm in my first serious relationship, and we've been together about four-and-a-half months. We're still in that blissful state where we want to leap into each other's arms as soon as we see each other's faces and I know he would love to make out with me every day if he saw me that often. I only see him on weekends, now, since I'm off at college, but we still have those intense feelings that are famous in the first stages.

 

What I am wondering is how long this is going to last. I look at other couples, and even married parents, who are far into the next stage, the more comfortable and long-enduring Love. I think part of me kind of wants to move on to that stage, where we aren't overcome with tremendous sexual urges every time we see each other, but it's hard to force that on myself -- I can't help but marvel at his handsome face or long to touch his skin when I am in his presence, and I know he feels the same.

 

Don't get me wrong -- I think this sort of intense attraction is fun, in its way, but I know it won't last. I think it would be nice to just enjoy his company without it leading to some sort of sexual act. I love his kisses, of course, and enjoy what we do, but I want to see if we can still love each other as much without constantly showing affection like that, or if that is sort of a glue binding us together. Sometimes it feels like that, even though logically I know the emotional connection is there (after all, we were really close friends for three years first).

 

Another problem is that I know some couples never decrease their drives toward each other -- some make love several times a week. The thing is that I think he uses kisses, hugs, making out, etc. to express his love, while I often just want companionship or someone to talk to. I guess that it seems like when I give into the desire he builds in me, I'm putting off our "real relationship" and just doing a sort of instant gratification. Yes it's fun. Yes it's pleasurable. But isn't the bulk of a real relationship not about sex?

 

I haven't actually had sex with him yet, but I probably will soon. I want to, and he wants to very badly, but I am kind of reluctant because I know he'll want to all the time after we begin. I have a very high libido as well, but I feel guilty using the little time I have to spend with him making out. I talk to him on the phone during the week, but a little nagging suspicion knows that part of the reason we can actually have long conversations then is because we're apart -- when we're together, talking is only temporary. For me, it's a lovely space of time when we can communicate and just be together. For him, it's like a pause between the next making-out session. He'll even give me little kisses as we talk, or touch me lightly in ways he knows turns me on, so eventually I give in and just start kissing him back and just sort of lose it... then I feel guilty because once again I spent the afternoon making out with him, not building a real relationship. He percieves it differently, though -- the less he sees me, the more he wants to spend every minute we do have together making out. He combines affection and sexual acts in his mind, but I picture sex as sort of an aside and the emotinal aspect the true core.

 

Don't think that he's only using me for the sexual aspect, either, because he's not. He cares deeply for me emotionally, but he just constantly wants me and I think it's important to have more of a balance. For me it seems like the sexual part of the relationship should only come after a completely developed emotional aspect, and for him he grows more emotionally attached the closer we get physically.

 

I just think it would be a good sign to look at him and see him for exactly who he is and not have that gushing rush of desire spring up within me whenever I'm near him. It would be nice to have a conversation and spend time with him without the constant little kisses and light touches... even though I love them, I know he won't do that forever since you never see older couples walking around hand-in-hand or kissing every few minutes. I know that's not what long-term relationships are made of.

 

And last of all, I guess part of me fears that one of us might mistake the inevitable cooling of constant desire to falling out-of-love. Neither of us has had a serious relationship before, so neither of us can recognize the difference between a settling of emotions into something stronger and more stable and thinking that, "Oh, I don't feel this dizzying rush anymore when I look at him/her, so I might not love him/her anymore."

 

When is the usual time to progress to the next stage? I won't rush it or anything... I want it to happen naturally... but I do sort of want to know about when to expect it. I want to see if we are made of long-term material, and what it feels like to have a relationship without the burning spark... to experience something genuine and deep and true.

[Yamaha]

I know the emotional connection is there (after all, we were really close friends for three years first).

 

I am surprised as it is pretty rare to turn a friendship of 3 years into an intense romance.

 

You have to understand that men express their love by having sex. It is how men are wired. You seem to want to go to the friendship love vs. the romantic love as you are more comfortable with it. Passion will lessen as time goes on and ebb to a slow burn or simmer. You will still feel a spark but that intense passion will wane.

 

Some relationships fall apart after the passion dies as there is nothing there to build upon and some get stronger as they move to the phase that you discussed, deep love for each other. Either you grow together or you grow apart. You already have an emotional connection at the start so there is a better than average chance that yours may last. Care for each other and enjoy the experience of two people sharing their lives. You sound like you have the ingredients of a lasting long-term relationship, friendship and romance. I would enjoy the passion while it lasts and not rush it to the next level. There are times when you will wish for that new and exciting love.

[RecordProducer]

Once you have sex, it will not be on his mind all the time so you will spend a lot of time talking and fooling around. Now he wants you 24/7 because he is not getting any. A few months after you have sex for the first time, your relationship will become more "normal.";)

[Nur]

I am surprised as it is pretty rare to turn a friendship of 3 years into an intense romance.

 

Yeah, it was pretty surprising for me too. Who'd think you'd be passionately in love with someone you've been seeing casually every day for so many years? But it happened.

 

A few months after you have sex for the first time, your relationship will become more "normal."

 

That's good -- I hope you're right! Because I don't think it'll be too long. By "normal" do you mean the settled-down state I'm speaking of?

 

Sometimes I miss him so much, too. I don't see him at all except for weekends and we don't have much time to talk on the phone during the week because we're both busy with school. Though I try to distract myself by spending time with friends or working ahead, there are some moments where I can't stop thinking of him until it becomes almost a distraction. I hope that when the passion ebbs a bit I won't feel this constant aching longing, because it's annoying and miserable. Some of my friends (who have been in long-term relationships over a year) say that the distance becomes easier if you have been together longer, once you get over that "I want to be with you all the time" feeling.

 

I hope that, too, comes soon. I know there is no pre-set time limit to move into the next, more comfortable stage, but I see estimates that it should be happening any time from now to the next couple of months. I'm looking forward to it. I've never been one for these intense emotions; I prefer peaeful happiness, not the constant rollercoaster of overwhelming joy followed by gut-wrenching loneliness.

[RecordProducer]

By "normal" do you mean the settled-down state I'm speaking of?

Yup. The kind of relationship when you talk, laugh, joke, and fool around without kissing all the time. But you'll miss these days some day.

[FataMorgana]

Yup. But you'll miss these days some day.

 

my thoughts exactly... a few years down the track you'd wish you were still feeling like you are now. Enjoy it while it's there ... and don't worry, time works it's way into all relationships, you'll be in the comfortable stage before you know it, just enjoy being with him

[Judas Christian]

I've read two or three of your threads now as well as comments, and I think I see a pattern here. You are taking love and analyzing it logically. You seem to be a very cerebral person and it's almost like you want to experiment with your relationship, ie. "let's see what happens if I do this" or, in this situation, "I think part of me kind of wants to move on to that stage, where we aren't overcome with tremendous sexual urges every time we see each other, but it's hard to force that on myself". Do you see what I mean? Why are you wanting to "force" this next stage on yourself or on him? Why not just let things progress naturally, in their natural state, instead of dissecting your relationship and experimenting for the sake of experimenting? I'm not trying to be harsh, and if I come across that way I apologize. I'm just trying to tell you that you're thinking far too much rather than just feeling and enjoying the moment. Let go and just be - don't try to control everything.

[Nur]

I'm just trying to tell you that you're thinking far too much rather than just feeling and enjoying the moment.

 

Yeah, I do have that problem. I tend to over-analyze and think through everything. If you ever heard of MBTI perssonality types, I'm waaaay over on the T (thinkers) side (as opposed to F, the feelers).

 

*Sigh* I'll try to stop. I really should. But it's how my brain works -- I automatically send things that happen into analysis, and these little questions or doubts that pop up irk me until I get them resolved.

[Judas Christian]

I'm a similar type person, but with relationships I've learned you just have to open up and feel. There's a time and a place for thinking and analysis, but a relationship isn't really it. Just enjoy the moment, that's all.

[whichwayisup]

Don't ya just wish we could bottle that crushy-love-intense sexual feeling? Bring the bottle, smash it open and give a JOLT to the relationship many years down the road.

 

I adore and love my husband - I can say the sex is just as good as it was when we first met, though that desire to stay in bed and f*** all day long, like we can't get enough of eachother isn't there. Sad, but true. I mean, I remember being late for so many family functions because we had to have sex before leaving the house.

[Judas Christian]

LOL I hear ya, "which". I miss that myself, and my wife and I haven't been married but a few months.

[Nur]

Yeah, it's fun in its way, but artificial. You never know if you are with that person because of the overpowering rush of hormones or if it's because you are really meant for each other -- it's easy to see the relationship through rose-colored glasses, even when analyzing.

 

Feeling emotions of such intensity (especially without apparent cause) has always made me uncomfortable, and I never trust it. For me, the only emotion that has real meaning and root for me is derived from a logical explanation, not some superficial attraction. It makes me impatient to see if our relationship is made of sterner stuff, or if it is a passing dream -- will the true bonds bringing us together rise as the spark simmers, or will we fall apart?

 

I don't like not knowing, especially since we want to go farther. Will we only fade apart a few months after losing our virginities, and be thus "despoiled" for any other lover? I don't want to "save myself for marriage" (since I think sexual compatibility is important) but I know it will never be the same when I am with someone who's been with other people, and I have been with other people. That singular bond will be gone, and I am not eager to lose it. I want to have some sign that we might last before taking that step, while at the same time realizing that taking that step might be an integral part of discovering if we are meant to last.

 

I hate paradoxes. :/

[tanbark813]

There's no point in trying to fight nature. I can relate to analyzing every little thing but you can't fight deeply ingrained biological drives with a few analytic thought processes. The ironic thing is that you want your relationship to be "normal" but what you're feeling right now is the natural state of things. Just go with it. It sounds like you're almost trying to force an unnatural direction to the progression of your relationship.

 

You should really save what you've written here. Then, as others have said, when things settle down months or years from now and you're starting to miss that intense passion, look back on what you've written. I'm sure you'll be amused.

[Judas Christian]

I really feel for you because you remind me of myself and it's very difficult to overcome this whole logic vs. emotion thing. The thing you have to come to grips with is that "love" and any other emotion, while perhaps based loosely on logical circumstances, is not inherently logical. Quite the opposite, the heart is often completely illogical and makes no sense. Why do people love someone who only hurts or abuses them? Logic dictates that if you feel pain, you move away from the cause. However, there is something called forgiveness. Forgiveness is not, strictly speaking, logical. Furthermore, repeated forgiveness is completely illogical. At some point, such a relationship goes so far beyond logic that our hearts ought to be locked away in a looney bin and the key thrown away! Losing your virginity, that's an issue that's bigger for some than others. It's true you'll never have it back, it's a one-off. Things get further complicated because the more relationships you have, the ickier things can sometimes be, because none of us like to acknowledge that our lover has had sex with other partners. It's a fact of life, but it's not entirely pleasant. It sounds to me like you're saying that the two of you want to have sex, you're both virgins currently, but you're worried that after doing all that you might one day break up and what a waste that will be, you can't have it back. You can't look at it that way. You're wasting your time, because with all your logic and analysis, Miss Spock you lack a crystal ball to see the future. So, it's like this - you might break up, you might not. You might go 10 years of being together and suddenly it just falls apart. Who knows? You've got to accept that in life you can't calculate every frickin outcome and I speak from experience. My frustration concerning you is that, again, I see myself and I've frustrated myself to no end and missed out on some great experiences simply because I was so busy working out the sense and logic that they passed me by. PLEASE don't live that way - you will be so sorry years from now that I can't express to you the misery. JUST LIVE and LET GO. It will make all the difference. Live and learn and don't be afraid to make mistakes or do something that isn't well planned or calculated. Live. Love. Let go. Happiness is not a calculated result.

[tanbark813]

I know it will never be the same when I am with someone who's been with other people, and I have been with other people. That singular bond will be gone, and I am not eager to lose it.

 

I have to disagree. I've had emotional/sexual connections with girls that were much stronger than that of the girl to whom I lost my virginity. I don't think what position they are in your sexual history directly relates to how special they are. Everyone remembers their first but that doesn't mean no one else will be able to compare.

 

Besides, I don't see how you can even make a claim like that about something you know nothing about. Analysis is not a substitute for experience.

 

You can use any number of analogies but take snowboarding for example. You can read all the books about it, get verbal instruction, watch videos, etc. But no matter how much knowledge you have on the subject and general theory, you won't really learn or know anything real until you take that first run down the mountain.

 

Clinging to the emotional buffer provided by over-analysis is hampering your ability to gain real world experience, IMHO. In short, stop thinking so damn much.

[NYCmitch25]

There a lot of ways of keeping the relationship "new" but people get comfortable, even lazy, and even a little spiteful of the 'same person', which inexorably leads them to the dreaded "phase II" as you call it.

 

Oh and the long term couples that seem overly happy with each other are probably the most disfunctional.. lol

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

My first inclination is to say that if you are still in the "talking about half-months" stage, you aren't far enough along to be in "Phase two." I'm reminded of some of my students who, when telling me their age, say, "I'm ten and a half." Well I wouldn't say that I'm 26 and a half, even though that is the case. (I hope that didn't come off as a put-down because that wasn't its intent).

 

Secondly, I definintely agree with the other folks who say don't rush stage one because you're going to want it back someday and will wonder why in the world you ever wanted to leave the lovey-dovey stage. But since it seems your real question is asking for a quantifiable number, I'll give you mine as an example. I've been dating my guy for about six months, and we were friends for a year before we began dating. During the end of our first year of friendship, things were getting pretty sexually tense between the two of us. Flirting was cranked up several notches until it was clear we just couldn't keep our hands off each other for one more minute and we hooked up and have been together ever since. The first three months were like that with a gradual lessening of sexual intensity. Now I'd say we're definitely in stage two. But what I wouldn't do, to have him want me like he did back then, though!

 

Lastly, I think that the long distance between you might serve to lengthen the lust period. It would seem to me that if I saw my man only once a week, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him. Since I see him alot, however, that's not the case. In six months our sex life has diminished rather greatly, however it's never me who has the proverbial "headache." *sigh*

[Nur]

Yeah, perhaps the distance does prolong it. I feel sort of like our relationship is frozen in time -- it doesn't diminish, since we see each other weekly and talk on the phone during the week -- but we don't see each other enough for it to progress much either.

 

The thing is that my guy is very naturally affectionate, while I am not naturally a touchy-feely type of person. Even little gestures like holding hands or the occasional hug, or even standing close to him is enough to keep the spark alive for me. He thrives off of any sign that I return the feelings, whether it be a look in my eye or just giving him a little kiss.

 

I don't think the spark ever will diminish much between us. Sure, it will switch from a constant thing to a slightly more occasional thing, but even now with our long basis as friends it is very easy to keep the friendship bond between us when the time calls for it, but just as easy to call up the "spark."

 

I'm very happy with him. Last night on the phone he was talking about marriage again. Only half-joking.