JadeStar Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 You said he was very controling. I imagine in his words and actions, but you said you would never get up in his face because he might knock you out? Has this happened before, as far as you speaking from experience on that? What I'm asking is has there been is physical type of thing as far as him being controling or his anger? Jade
Author lilmoma1973 Posted November 16, 2005 Author Posted November 16, 2005 You have to decide if you really want that life or not. Are you happy? Is your daughter happy? I'm betting not, on both counts. So what are you doing with him? I don't understand what you're getting out of this. With marriage, it's a 50/50 thing. It sounds like what you've got is a 90/10 thing and the 10 is when it benefits him to actually do something. It sounds to me like you need to take a step back and really assess your situation with an open mind. Don't let the words "but I love him..." influence your point of view. Just see it as it is, and ask yourself if it's in your (and your daughter's) best interest to even be in this relationship. If he saw the problem and was genuinely willing to do what it takes to work it all out and make sure all of you are happy, then I'd say stick it out. But if things are the way you descibe them, you're wasting time you'll never get back and love that would be appreciated elsewhere. I ain't saying cheat on him, by the way, just that you might need to get out of that marriage you're in and find someone better suited. I don't mean to sound harsh with all this, it's just that I really can't see the good points of your marriage so far. Your right to say that !! I don't know why guess im hoping he will change but it probably won't maybe i need to decide if i want this type of relationship or am i worthy of more and i i know i am !!
Judas Christian Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 Of course you are. Nobody deserves to be treated like a servant.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted November 16, 2005 Author Posted November 16, 2005 You said he was very controling. I imagine in his words and actions, but you said you would never get up in his face because he might knock you out? Has this happened before, as far as you speaking from experience on that? What I'm asking is has there been is physical type of thing as far as him being controling or his anger? Jade No Jade he has never knocked me out but he has pushed and grabbed me before and thrown things and punched holes in the wall so this is the reason i would never get in his face !! He is a very big man compared to me he could hurt me!!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted November 16, 2005 Author Posted November 16, 2005 Of course you are. Nobody deserves to be treated like a servant. Thanks i guess he takes me for granted because im a stay at home mom and nothing else to do !! He thinks cause he brings in the paycheck that all he has to bring to marriage .. im not blaming it all on him cause i have a hand in it to but im getting where i don't want to cook or do anything for him !! Have alot of resentment towards him !!
Judas Christian Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 I don't blame you. I went through a phase with my wife where I barely made an effort as well. She was stuck at home (she immigrated from the UK so she wasn't allowed to work for awhile) and I was the only one working and bringing home a paycheck, etc. It's not that I made demands, but I didn't help out and so it was basically "expected" that she would handle everything at home. I know I picked that up from my dad and I'm not proud of it. I also wasn't making alot of effort in the relationship - wasn't doing all the little things that I used to do when it was romantic. It's like I was expecting to just blow through life effortlessly yet still expecting her to want to do everything for me and adore me and want to have sex whenever I wanted, etc. In other words, I was treating her like a servant. I am seriously ashamed of that fact and I got a wake up call when she finally faced me with it. It was rough to hear it, but I couldn't deny it, and I had to make changes. I still am. I'm a work in progress but one thing is certain - I love my wife with all my heart and there's nothing I wouldn't do to prove that. That includes changing things about myself that are hurtful or disrespectful or simply tactless. Our relationship has improved alot, just by me making changes to myself. Turns out (duh) that if I treat her well, she feels better about us and herself, and in turn she does wonderful things for me too. It works. So, I'm not just standing off on a hill telling you what to do. I know where your husband is coming from, because I did the same things - but I also can admit I was wrong and I'm changing all that. He needs to wake up and do the same - but he won't until you force the issue. If he still doesn't, then point blank - GET OUT.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted November 16, 2005 Author Posted November 16, 2005 I don't blame you. I went through a phase with my wife where I barely made an effort as well. She was stuck at home (she immigrated from the UK so she wasn't allowed to work for awhile) and I was the only one working and bringing home a paycheck, etc. It's not that I made demands, but I didn't help out and so it was basically "expected" that she would handle everything at home. I know I picked that up from my dad and I'm not proud of it. I also wasn't making alot of effort in the relationship - wasn't doing all the little things that I used to do when it was romantic. It's like I was expecting to just blow through life effortlessly yet still expecting her to want to do everything for me and adore me and want to have sex whenever I wanted, etc. In other words, I was treating her like a servant. I am seriously ashamed of that fact and I got a wake up call when she finally faced me with it. It was rough to hear it, but I couldn't deny it, and I had to make changes. I still am. I'm a work in progress but one thing is certain - I love my wife with all my heart and there's nothing I wouldn't do to prove that. That includes changing things about myself that are hurtful or disrespectful or simply tactless. Our relationship has improved alot, just by me making changes to myself. Turns out (duh) that if I treat her well, she feels better about us and herself, and in turn she does wonderful things for me too. It works. So, I'm not just standing off on a hill telling you what to do. I know where your husband is coming from, because I did the same things - but I also can admit I was wrong and I'm changing all that. He needs to wake up and do the same - but he won't until you force the issue. If he still doesn't, then point blank - GET OUT. I guess we just get taken advantange and think when its all said it done we will still be here no matter what but im really to the point that i want out!! I DESERVE BETTER!! Glad you seen your faults and fixed them !! She is lucky to have a person like you not all women get that luxury of a h .. i talk to alot of women that deal with the same issues as i do and they think cause they work that their job is done !! MY job ends when i lay my head on my pillow how is that fair!!
Judas Christian Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 Good luck with your decisions. The main thing is to do what's right for you and your daughter, whatever that is.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted November 16, 2005 Author Posted November 16, 2005 Good luck with your decisions. The main thing is to do what's right for you and your daughter, whatever that is. Thanks you have been so helpful!! Maybe you could talk to my h and get some sense through that thick skull of his !! lol j/k
JadeStar Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 Does he know you're on this forum? If so maybe share some of these posts with him, let him read what others have said. You think that would get through to him? Jade
Author lilmoma1973 Posted November 16, 2005 Author Posted November 16, 2005 Not sure he'd want to hear it! Probably not but maybe from someone that has the same issue he might would understand it and also coming from a man wouldn't feel like he was being bashed lol just a thought!!
Author lilmoma1973 Posted November 16, 2005 Author Posted November 16, 2005 Does he know you're on this forum? If so maybe share some of these posts with him, let him read what others have said. You think that would get through to him? Jade My h is aware that i am on here and i think it makes him for threaten that i can talk to others about our situation because he knows i can't talk to him .. When i make comments about posting things that is going on he gets really mad and acts very defensive probably cause he is afraid he people will find out that my h problems with communication and when i tell this in here to get others it puts things in my head maybe suggesting to leave by the way he treats me isn't ok and he knows his action aren't good yet he still acts this way!! GUESS KINDA LIKE REALITY!!
Chuckles50 Posted November 16, 2005 Posted November 16, 2005 How long have these issues been going on? I would say if its been a few years and your hubby is not doing his part after everything to you have tried then he probably wont change. Not that he can't, but maybe hes not willing too. That should say something. Maybe living this way for so long has been familar to you, you're comfortable with living this way. Sure you can complain about it, vent etc which is fine, but I doubt thats enough for you to leave. I would imagine that if you're planning on staying in this type of situation then the best thing to do is accept it. If this is a situation where you are tired of it have given up etc, and don't want to leave, leave for your child, because if you think you have issues now, with her possibly/seeing hearing whatever goes on, and your husbands anger, just wait till shes older. She will learn it all, and possibly repeat this in her life. She will think its acceptable, and by you staying in it its teaching her that it is. Do you want that for her?
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