OW at work

[Wind]

Hi all,

 

I have posted on this before when it was in an earlier stage but it seems that the situation is not that easy to deal with!

 

First, I dont have any "special" relationship with MM co-worker and we never venture outside of a work-related context. We have done or said nothing remotely questionable. However, I feel like I am an actor in a play about work who is trying to play a normal co-worker (its that bad in a surreal sort of way). Speaking for myself, I would say that there is enough chemistry between us that leaves me at the edge of out of control - if stomach doesnt stop flipping and all that other stuff!

 

I dont know what he thinks or feels- I know that he looks at me in ways he (we?) shouldnt (I think others are noticing it as well- they have to be! He stares at me in meetings and doesnt appear to pay attention to anyone else and I look over at him and I can only hold his gaze for a few seconds until my stomach goes insane- he never ever looks away). I know that he doesnt need to elaborate on answers to me as I can tell what he means in a glance (although I have no idea how as we dont ever talk outside of work related stuff or general chatty stuff that anyone else around me might talk about. I just know). I know that he talks to me differently- tone of voice etc and he more free with his words.

 

I do NOT want to talk to him about any of this as I am afraid of the doors it might open and I will be further drawn in. I keep telling myself this is all in my head and I am imagining things but that line is getting stale! I have tried to not look up when he passes my desk but he always makes a point of asking me something or getting my attention on a flimsy excuse. We see each other in the hallways at work, etc. Avoidance doesnt work as I hoped it would. Did I mention his wife works in the same office with us?

 

I have read many posts on many sites and I keep seeing the same answer- Its one I dont find all that acceptable! Yes, I can admit this can be considered an addiction. However, I will NOT, absolutely will NOT leave my job because of it (I have a very good job that I cannot simply drop and replace- neither can he), to stop the problem. I keep reading that this attraction will not go away on its own and it will keep building up unless we completely stop seeing each other. I suppose its a good point that I havent been able to stop things up until now and do recognize I am powerless. There has to be another way?

 

How on earth can this be avoided? I do not want to be in an affair with MM but do I just accept the situation for what it is, accept that it will take its course until something collides/changes it, accept the inevitable and deal with the fallout when all is "over"?

 

I keep reading the chat advise of "run in the other direction" and "dont give in" but that doesnt really help! Also, most posts deal with the aftermath but there isnt much on avoidance for the OW!

 

Are there any MM who have been or are in this situation? What in the world are you guys thinking? Enlighten me! I really have feeling frustrated and backed up to a wall so excuse my tone of voice if it comes across wrong. Did you ever see the picture of the froggy with the knife in its back on the Scorpio mugs? I commiserate with that frog.

 

Help?

[JayKay]

If you are not willing to leave your job because of the situation

 

and you don't want to open doors that shouldn't be opened

 

you must change your belief system

 

 

Your current belief system is that you are 'helpless' against this onslaught of chemical attraction.

You are not.

 

Things do not have to 'run their course' and you do not have to be left with a mess to clean up.

 

What needs fixing is your mindset.

 

If you find the answers here 'unacceptable' then try to imagine what an 'acceptable' answer would be.

 

We have choices every day.....and just as a former alcoholic can choose not to drink, a drama/relationship addict can choose not to indulge in risky, destructive behavior.

 

If you are truly that out of control, I'd suggest cognitive therapy, preferably with a female counselor.

[Sheba]

but here it is: make sure the MM KNOWS that you are emotionally unavailable to him. Right now, I would guess that all that eye-contact is sending him a strong message that you are very interested, as you obviously are. If you don't want a potentially messy relationship with a MM, stop staring back! Make a point of being extremely businesslike, and turn any personal conversations to his WIFE or children (if he has any) or your boyfriend (whether you have one or not). I think he will get the message.

 

Also, since you seem to want help ignoring the butterflies in your stomach, shouldn't you consider the ugly consequences of a work love triangle? Don't you think there would be some serious fall out if the whole office, became aware of this affair? His wife works there! You can't risk your job. This makes the situation truly impossible, if it were not bad enough. If your stomach flutters at the sight of him, it ought to roil if you let your imagination take you to the way this scenario could play out.

[Wind]

I feel out of control in the way a marionette is on a string- his string. Yes, I do have a mindset because I cant see the best way out for everyone (not just me). Neither the MM or W is in a position of power over me, in fact I am the one who would cause problems for them. I spent many years unemployed and this job is the best thing that happened to me in a long time- I cant leave it. This post isnt just about me- I am also not willing to jeopardize their jobs either. I am not a drama queen nor a relationship addict- Right emotions, potentially right person, wrong situation, definately bad timing. There has to be a way of solving this that I cant see- even if a win-win situation isnt likely, I have to at least try to find one. I really dont know what he thinks he is doing- he doesnt even seem to be trying to avoid me (he isnt trying to move things along either thnakfully). Its just high stress and I am at the end of my rope with it.

 

Conversations where I have tried to bring up his family were stopped cold. He will not discuss them- LOL- I tried that one already but not in a few months as we avoid all personal stuff. When we do talk it is 99.9% business. If we had personal conversations, then I would bring up the subject and say it straight out that an A isnt an option but I am also afraid that if I confront the situation, I will simply create a challenge that he wont back down from. He is agressive.

 

It makes me shake my head but to be honest, I truly dont care what the office thinks! They arent my friends (its not a friendly office at all actually) and I have a relatively "stand alone" job that they cant impact.

[crazy_grl]

Right emotions, potentially right person, wrong situation, definately bad timing.

 

How can you think a person who is so obviously interested in a woman who's not his wife is potentially the right person?? The first thing you need to do is stop thinking about him as the potential Mr. Right with bad timing and see him as the potential cheater who may be willing to break his promises to his wife (and then his promises to you if you got involved with him). He might not be taking actions to advance the situation, but if he's going out of his way to talk to you and staring at you in meetings, he's not taking any actions to stop it and stick to his commitment to his wife.

 

If your conversations are 99.9% business, how can you even think this man might be right for you (aside from physical attraction) when most of what you know about him suggests he's not a very honorable man?

[Wind]

It has just occured to me that I am trying to solve a situation that I am not maintaining because I dont want to have any responsibility for the impact to his W and kids. I feel I am him his game, an unwilling participant but a participant nonetheless.

[crazy_grl]

It has just occured to me that I am trying to solve a situation that I am not maintaining because I dont want to have any responsibility for the impact to his W and kids. I feel I am him his game, an unwilling participant but a participant nonetheless.

 

I think you might be onto something. If he was at all concerned with the impact to his wife and kids (like a decent man should be), he'd be the one taking steps to end the situation, and you wouldn't have to.

[Wind]

I dont consider him Mr. Right. I said potentially right person (potentially in that if the situation were different I would certainly be looking to find out)- we have had enough conversations via work that I have an idea of the personal qualities he has and they are things I value. We have had some personal conversations but they were about us being who we are as people - what makes us happy, best personality traits and the worst etc. It doesnt happen that often as I make a point of not being alone with him so that it cant occur. Actually, his honour is the only thing that is holding him back and I am relying on it to keep working. He hasnt broken any promises or commitments to his W that I know of- I am trying find ways to ensure that it doesnt happen.

 

In posting I am 1) trying to come up with ideas as to what he could be thinking he is doing- maybe its just confirmation that he ISNT thinking! 2) I need practical ideas of how to deal with this at work- what are possible actions to take to avoid conflicts, hurt feelings, prevent myself from ever being a marital issue etc.

[Wind]

I think you might be onto something. If he was at all concerned with the impact to his wife and kids (like a decent man should be), he'd be the one taking steps to end the situation, and you wouldn't have to.

 

Yes- I wish he would take the steps and I thought he was for a while. He put a lot of distance between us for a few weeks but its gone again.

[crazy_grl]

I dont consider him Mr. Right. I said potentially right person

 

Potetially right person doesn't mean the same thing as potential Mr. Right???

You're viewing him as the potentially right person (or a potential Mr. Right), but if you don't want anything to happen, you have to stop thinking of him that way. Stop thinking of him as a victim of an attraction whose honor is keeping him from doing the wrong thing. Everything you two have talked about as far as values is just words. It's much easier to lie with words than actions. His actions don't seem so honorable.

 

Actually, his honour is the only thing that is holding him back and I am relying on it to keep working.

 

How do you know that? There's no way you could, especially if you two haven't talked about this situation. For all you know, he could be a deceptive, lying jerk who's making himself out to seem honorable and decent and is just biding his time until he thinks he can get away with an affair without it affecting his career and/or marriage. He could have stopped this whole thing at the very beginning instead of feeding the attraction. I bet his wife working in the same office is having a much bigger effect on him not taking action than his honor.

 

2) I need practical ideas of how to deal with this at work- what are possible actions to take to avoid conflicts, hurt feelings, prevent myself from ever being a marital issue etc.

 

You have to change your way of thinking about him. See him as the not-so-honorable man that he might very well be. Also, stop and replace your fantasies of you and him with images of all the pain the affair will cause. If you refuse to do that, you're going to continue down the road you're on.

 

Oh yeah, and read the OW threads.

[Wind]

Unfortunately I do believe what I do- yes I see him as a victim- good observation. He isnt a victim at all! We dicussed his values and I see how honourable he is and how how he treats others, so I do think its true about him as a person but perhaps he isnt acting like it in this situation. Yes, it is words and I have no way of knowing its truth other than what I see when he is with other people. Yep- I bet his W in the same offic eis have a good effect and yes I agree he probably is trying to find away to have it both ways.

 

 

You are right, my thinking might need a tweak of reality.

 

BTW- I did come up with one way of dealing with the situation. Next time he acts "obvious" I will highlight it to everyone around so that its clear to him (and everyone else) that if this continues, it wont be in secret. I am betting he will run back to his W's skirt very very quickly. I just wonder if I have enough guts to do it but I would have to see him as the not-so-honourable person light though. Do you think it would work without having too much of a negative impact?

[RecordProducer]

You're having a crush on him that you're willing to let develop into harmful addiction (or at least you sound that way). Just choose to let it go! Crushes go away if you don't feed them with hopes. He is married so forget about him. You're playing with fire.

[newbby]

wind, this is how things began with my xmm. i could feel his staring at me from across a busy room or street. i could feel his desire for me very powerfully and i tried very hard to be polite, non flirtatious etc etc.

if i tried ignoring him he would actually look as though he would burst into tears. he would come to me with every excuse to speak to me you could imagine. i actually became scared of him.

still, i was adamant i would not ever do anything. all i can say is dont underestimate their determination and never never get hopelessly drunk in front of them.

it would not be any wonder that if he came to you with words of love, and adoration you might believe them.

once something has happened once it is very hard to go back.

now, you are right you are getting addicted to this attention, i did too. somebody has said dont stare back etc etc, well i tried all of that and it doesnt work. it will make him more determined if anything.

i think the only thing to do is bring it out in the open and talk about it. i know it may seem like a strange thing to do but i think its the only way to break it.

if you ever do anything, all of this seemingly fascination and being mesmerised by you will be replaced with a lack of respect.

[Sami_D]

You have to stop this being an exciting flirtation and turn it into something you make clear you don't want. Let him know in whatever way possible that you're just not interested in him. Whether that's telling other people, telling him (if he's 'aggressive' about it, tell him you'll have to take it to managers), or even telling his wife in some offhand way. I'm sure you have the intelligence to work out the best way to stop this in its tracks, especially if you listen to people here trying to help.

 

This thread is like others that come up from time to time... "help, I'm about to have an affair and there's nothing I can do!" There are a few of them current on the board right now. They're often the longest threads, because the OP isn't really looking for ways out of the situation, they're looking for someone, anyone, to say yes, you're right, there's nothing you can do... go for it.

 

The choice of whether to pursue this is ultimately yours, of course. I'm wondering what, if anything, do you hope to get out of it if you DO go somewhere with it?

[sylviaguardian]

If you need some help with changing your mindset think about this: the MM's behaviour is probably already pissing his wife off and upsetting the dynamic at home. What kind of man flirts with women in his office when his wife works in the same office?

 

If you 'go with the flow', here is what will probably happen: you will definitely get caught - you have already said that people notice you staring goopy-eyed at each other. His wife wil be more angry than you could ever imagine. MM will drop you like a hot potato and side with MW. Life at work will get very tough, very lonely. You will feel used, ashamed etc and everyone at work will know why and will have zero sympathy for you. They will all side with the wife. Pretty soon it will be so bad you will have to leave your job.

 

Then you will be on this site complaining how you have lost everything while he just gets away with it.

 

Alternative scenario: everytime you look at MM, check out his wedding ring. It means that he is MARRIED to someone else. Realise that he is really just a self-conceited man who is fed up with the responsbility of being married and a father and who wants to have the buzz of thinking that you are totally head over heels in love with him. The buzz he gets from your adoration will be sufficient that he doesn't care about his wife or kids - until he gets caught that is. Find someone else to have a crush on (someone who IS available), don't keep feeding this man's flimsy ego, keep the job you love.

 

Your choice.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Hoo boy. Been there. I have had the 'relentless MM at work' thing going on. I guess I wasn't as invested emotionally in it as you were, so this was easy for me but - here are some things you can do:

 

1. Do not make eye contact or look at him unless necessary. Period. If you have to, make it no more than a second or two. Look over his shoulder when talking to him if you have to. Nothing says "I'm not interested" like the deliberate avoidance of eye contact.

 

2. Never, ever be alone with him. Insist on open doors if you have to be in a room with him alone.

 

3. Use 'closed' body language. Do not smile. Cross your arms over your chest. When sitting cross your legs and your arms. Do not face him fully with your body. Always keep at an angle to him.

 

4. Do not get within five feet of his personal space. No hugs, no pats on the back, nada. No non-business contact, and never ever outside of work.

 

5. If he insists, then file a complaint with HR. That sends a withering message and should only be used as a last resort and only if he is really being a physical horndog and keeps touching you or making suggestive comments. It helps too, to document the interactions so that you can build a case.

 

6. Nip any personal talk in the bud. If he starts a conversation, change the subject to business and if you can't end the conversation and leave whereever he is, or absorb yourself in work.

 

He may see this as a challenge, but if you stand your ground and make it clear that you are not interested he should eventually leave you alone.

 

The question is... do you really want him to leave you alone? If you don't anything you do is going to seem like a challenge to him because its transparent when someone says "leave me alone" but doesn't mean it.

[Wind]

Wow. Thanks everyone- you all have such good points that I will have to "digest" some of it. After posting yesterday I did come to realize the "crossing the line" issue. Many months back there was "the line" and I would say that it hasnt really been crossed but I recognized that the line wasn't "crossed" but it was erased and re-drawn a little further down each time. I can no longer see the situation as many of you can (and have offered words of reminder). I have decided to make my first step in opening my eyes to see the situation for what it really is and step two is to regain proper boundaries. Your ideas on how to deal with the situation sound so harsh! I know its not harsh but that makes me realize the degree of emotional investment I really do have. I Thanks again.

[About Choices]

Wind

I had the same problem. Worked with my MM for 4 years. A very attractive MM. I never thought of him as a possibility as he was married. In response to a conversation one day I made that clear to him. Made the mistake of letting him give me a neck massage at the beginning of the year (complained about neck pain to him one day since I have a disc problem - not smart!!!) Over a 6 month period the flirting got more intense and eventually we were alone one day in an office and he grabbed me. I am single he is a MM with 3 almost grown kids. Wife is not paying him much attention, and she is close to menopause. I am not that much younger than her which makes this even more bazaar. It has been 4 months. We have not slept together but have certainly made out - where else? - at work. Talk about dangerous!!! It is so passionate. I have never had an attraction like this. In spite of all this I have tried to talk myself into ending it. I don't want to be the OW. I don't know his wife and I try to not think of her as a person. I feel guilty enough. Have written a dozen letters, but could not give them to him. Very simple reason. Small office, no way to end it since I see him every day and work with him. All ending it would do would create tension (of course there is also all this chemistry which we cannot hide) The only way out is to leave my job. Not something I want to do. The chemistry is so intense I am sure others know. It's one of those things where the relationship seems so right. But its really pretty hopeless since all I am doing is filling the holes in his marriage. I guess I am riding this out until I get the courage to make some tough decisions. If you get into yours, all I can say is its really hard to end it. Best not to get into it. I sure understand emotions are not logical. I never dreamt I would ever have an affair with a married man, so it can happen to even the most unlikely.