Sailor Chic Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 This is my first time in any type of forum like this so bare with me. I've been watching for some time and thought maybe others can help me or give me some advice as to what I should do. Let me start of by saying that my bf is a great guy. He loves me to peaces and does nothing but please me in every possible way. He is my best friend and makes me feel special in every way. I can tell him anything and he always seems to understand. We've been together almost a year and theirs not one thing I can honeslty complain about him. BUT HERE IT GOES, As wonderful as he is I just don't see myself with him in the future. I love him and care for him more than anyone can imagine I just feel lately he is more of a bestfriend than a boyfriend. How do I snap out of this daze I'm in. I don't want to hurt him but I'm afraid being with him and lying about my feelings are worse. I don't want him out of my life because he is very special to me but I know he wouldn't just want to be friends with me. How can my feelings change so quickly? I wish I knew where all these feelings came from and just in case, their is no one else. I just feel as if lately I don't want to be in a commited relationship but I don't want to lose him either. Please, let me know what you guys think, I feel stuck!
slubberdegullion Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 BUT HERE IT GOES, As wonderful as he is I just don't see myself with him in the future. I love him and care for him more than anyone can imagine I just feel lately he is more of a bestfriend than a boyfriend. How do I snap out of this daze I'm in. I don't want to hurt him but I'm afraid being with him and lying about my feelings are worse. It's been said before. You're confusing the emotion of love with the decision of love. The decision is better; trust me on this. Emotions come and for lots of reasons we do and don't understand, so to rely upon your emotional state as a rationale to maintain the relationship is foolhardy and delusional. You don't have to lie about your feelings. Tell him the truth. "I don't rely on my erratic emotions to decide who I do and don't want to be with. I have made the decision to stay with you, and that decision is binding regardless of how I feel on any particular day or through any particular circumstance.." or something like that. A good man will respect and understand that, and it sounds as if you have a good man.
witabix Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Oh Sailor Chic, what an unfortunate situation. If I heard that from a woman I would feel a mixture of pain and happiness, probably a lot more pain than happiness. Having said that I would definately want to be told as soon as possible. He may continue to be friend......but you said he wouldn't want that.....so I think you should tell him how you are feeling. I doubt he will blow his top, then you both can discuss the situation. You may find talking to this man, who sounds understanding enough to have this type of conversation, actually helps you decide what you are feeling. Of course if you have decided the bf/gf thing is over whatever happens then you must be honest and let him know. The really odd thing that strikes me is the fact that if he is so nice he will probably let you go, if that is what you want, so that you can be happy. It sounds all very sad to me. Good luck with it though.....
Author Sailor Chic Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 Thanks guys you make a valid point. He is a good man that's why I'm afraid of losing him. He loves me very much and I love him too but just not the way he deserves. I feel horrible for feeling this way and I'm just scared, scared of hurting him and loosing someone special to me. I don't think he would take it lightly if I were to end things. He feels a certain vibe from me and he questions it but I always tell him it's not him. But deep down I know I'm giving off these vibes because I just dont' feel the same as he does. I'm so torn apart!
Yamaha Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Have you ever been passionate about him? If you have then those feelings can come back if not then he deserves to know the truth.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 I agree with Yamaha- did you feel the spark back at the beginning of your relationship? I can tell you from experience (two experiences actually), a three year relationship and a four year relationship, that if you don't have the spark from the get-go, it doesn't develop. My two exes were great men but it just didn't work out because I never felt that spark. Their friendship just wasn't enough. The guy I've been dating now for about six months and I have great sparks Back at the beginning of our relationship, when he would touch my hand, I would get butterflies in my stomach. My exes never gave me butterflies. You deserve both the friendship and butterflies. Also, you said "lately" you've been having these doubts. Define "lately." A week, a month, three months? I wouldn't break up with him unless you've been thinking these thoughts for a while now. As someone else said, don't base your decision on fleeting emotions. I was with my ex (the four year guy) for a whole year after I began to think about breaking up with him. Now, that's a bit extreme, but I wanted to BE SURE that letting him go was what I really wanted.
a4a Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 BUT HERE IT GOES, As wonderful as he is I just don't see myself with him in the future. I love him and care for him more than anyone can imagine I just feel lately he is more of a bestfriend than a boyfriend. How do I snap out of this daze I'm in. I don't want him out of my life because he is very special to me but I know he wouldn't just want to be friends with me. How can my feelings change so quickly? Sounds like you are comfortable and the initial excitement has subsided? It also sounds like you got a super guy and you do love him and want him in your life. I would wonder how quick you would change your mind if he started to see another woman? Would you suddenly see how great he is to have as a bf? Some days will be dull, some full of excitement..... but without the dull how the hell would you even notice the excitement? Your lucky to have such a good guy..... figure out how you really feel and don't screw his head up..... or lie. Don't dump him and expect him to stick around either. a4a
Neptune Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 Seems to me Mr Nice Guy is fixing to get the boot;) He probably is no longer a challange to you sailor chick. Oh the pain of being a "nice guy!"
Author Sailor Chic Posted November 15, 2005 Author Posted November 15, 2005 Your lucky to have such a good guy..... figure out how you really feel and don't screw his head up..... or lie. Don't dump him and expect him to stick around either. So true! I think that's what I'm having a difficult time with. I want him in my life just not romanticly. I know this because like someone else mentioned I don't get butterflies. I mean I do get excited when I see him and I get happy but it's not butterflies. I know by letting him go I'm losing a great guy who will eventually find someone else and maybe someone who will appreciate him more and treat him better, but it's hard. I feel myself acting different and I don't want to treat him bad. He doesn't deserve it. It's so much easier when the guy is an a**h***
Yamaha Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 I feel myself acting different and I don't want to treat him bad. He doesn't deserve it. He will know there is something wrong even if you try to cover it up. The longer you put it off the worse things will become and he will get mad or hurt that you won't talk to him. If you really don't feel romance for him then you owe it to him to tell him and let him decide what is best for him. You are being selfish by trying to hold on to him but you are moving on in your heart.
Author Sailor Chic Posted November 15, 2005 Author Posted November 15, 2005 He will know there is something wrong even if you try to cover it up. The longer you put it off the worse things will become and he will get mad or hurt that you won't talk to him. If you really don't feel romance for him then you owe it to him to tell him and let him decide what is best for him. You are being selfish by trying to hold on to him but you are moving on in your heart. You're right, I am being selfish. I hate this part about love! So many dreams and promises are talked about and than in the end you find yourself wondering "why did I say that if I truly didn't mean it". I guess when you're in the moment you say whatever you feel at that moment without realizing what you're feeling isn't love, it's just a lot of caring for someone if that makes sense. I know what I have to do, but it's SO HARD!! I know no matter what I do, stay with him and see if the feelings come back or/and leave him, he's going to get hurt because either one I'm not being true to him or I hurt him by leaving him. I'm his first true love, and to tell you the truth, I don't think I've ever experienced true love.
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