Outcast Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 A lot of people do unproductive things due to issues they have. It isn't helpful to abuse them, particularly when they themselves are questioning their own motives. I scarcely think it is reasonable to expect him to come back when most of the answers were 'you're a jerk'. You might want to read up on the Madonna/Whore syndrome. It's a genuine problem that people need help to overcome. There's not one soul on this board who hasn't issues of his or her own, from anxiety to insecurity, etc etc etc yet when someone who has a different sort of issue posts, everyone hastens to jump down his throat. Our subconscious still makes us do things that seem irrational, illogical, or bad. That isn't fixed when people insult us. What's necessary in situations like this is that the person who has behaved against his own wishes seek help to find out why he's done what he's done. It's a real pity that psychology isn't a required course in school since the old philosophy of not judging people 'until you've walked a mile in his shoes' seems to have fallen out of favour.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Outcast, I see your point, but honestly, giving someone "harsh" advice is OK. I didn't bash him or call him a jerk. I think that he is probably doing a good job realizing this on his own. Also, the man asked US why he did what he did - So he must have expected some sort of fallout/reaction to his awful behaviour towards his wife and child.
JadeStar Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Tis true that I don't care to hand out "harsh" advice because I know how it feels to receive it. I usually refrain from name calling if at all possible and to me theres a difference between "harsh" advice and name calling. I didn't even respond to the mans post except the fact I didn't know they made disposable phones. And OutCast you're correct in saying we all have or have had some type of issues in our life, these forums are based on opionons/advice, and SOMETIMES fact. I have seen posts on here where advice was given and it wasn't even "harsh" but for whatever reason it would turn into a real immature feud. But maybe thats because sometimes we all perceive things differently. Jade
lilmoma1973 Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Outcast, I see your point, but honestly, giving someone "harsh" advice is OK. I didn't bash him or call him a jerk. I think that he is probably doing a good job realizing this on his own. Also, the man asked US why he did what he did - So he must have expected some sort of fallout/reaction to his awful behaviour towards his wife and child. Totally agree not bashing noone he realizes it but can believe he didn't think what might could happen with him and his family and how it would affect his life !!!
SueBee3490 Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Totally agree not bashing noone he realizes it but can believe he didn't think what might could happen with him and his family and how it would affect his life !!! I can't believe ANYONE that cheats doesn't stop and think that cheating will affect their whole life!
newbby Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 i agree with outcast. when somebody is in genuine anguish and guilt over something they did and has nobody to talk to about this, the last thing they need is that kind of response. so he might really have no remourse, but he seemed to, and what if he does? my advice to the op. be the best father that you can be in the circumstances you are in. give your wife and her pain understanding and give yourself forgiveness.
harleygirl92156 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 i agree with outcast. when somebody is in genuine anguish and guilt over something they did . The big question here with me is IS THE ANGUISH AND GUILT DUE TO WHAT HE DID OR IS IT BECAUSE HE GOT CAUGHT? I believe it is because he got caught. Straight and simple. If he hadn't gotten caught you can bet he would have gone back for more and may anyway if he can sooth this one over with the wife. If he can't smooth it over bet is he will find another woman to cheat on and hurt.
Outcast Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 It's very distressing to me that people attribute motives to people and then condemn those people for the motives which have been attributed to them. How can you possibly say that he's upset because he got caught? Are you inside his brain?
Yamaha Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 You love yourself more and your wants/desires. Any sane person who loves their SO will not take the chance to screw up what they have; they would not even entertain the possibility. I would talk to your doctor and see if you have a sexual addiction.
lilmoma1973 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 It's very distressing to me that people attribute motives to people and then condemn those people for the motives which have been attributed to them. How can you possibly say that he's upset because he got caught? Are you inside his brain? No we aren't inside his brain!!! But the fact remains he plotted and planned this .. how can you love someone yet still hurt them and cause pain to them!! We just don't understand !!! Noone's bashing!!
Outcast Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 how can you love someone yet still hurt them and cause pain to them!! That's exactly what he can't figure out. Why do you know that eating fat will kill you but you still do it? Why do people do self-defeating things? If we knew the answer, we could make the world a perfect place.
lilmoma1973 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 That's exactly what he can't figure out. Why do you know that eating fat will kill you but you still do it? Why do people do self-defeating things? If we knew the answer, we could make the world a perfect place. Maybe he does have a sexual addiction and should go talk with a counselor about what he has done then !! It is a choice what we do and noone is wanting to make a perfect world .. I just know that when you do something in a relationship you have to know that it will affect the other person's feelings!! Maybe he just was thinking about himself and was being selfish and inconsiderate !!
d'Arthez Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Maybe. Maybe. And? Maybe a poster has an IQ under 70? Should we advise every poster to take some IQ-test, to rule out intellectual limitations? And post the scores? No matter what the situation is? Should we let every poster take the Rorschach test? And why (not) ? These tests can all be very useful. Should we advise every poster to take Lithium, because they may suffer from Bipolar disorder? Please... Lilmoma1973, nothing personal, but perhaps an example can clarify. This is in no way meant or construed as a personal attack. If you are going to put in a lot of maybe's, consider the following: Could the use of a great number of exclamation marks point to mental and / or emotional instability of some sorts (yes, there are hypotheses on matters like that in scientific circles)? Should people who do that make an appointment with the psychologist or psychiatrist, rather yesterday than today? How would you feel if you got such advice based on writing style alone? After all, no matter what problem you have, chances are that such an "explanation" could cause your problem. Why do I have the impression that such advice would make people mad, or unwilling to respond? And you can come up with practically any behavior, that might serve as a justification for any consideration. Does not mean that these "explanations" are helpful at all, or are correct.
the corinthian Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 I do not understand why the poster is so upset over what he did. To me, it does not seem as though he did anything very bad at all in his mind. My reasoning for this is simple: If he placed true value in the relationship he had with his wife, then he would not have put so much effort into planning to meet with a prostitute to cheat on her. Based on this, he shouild not be upset as he does not seem to have placed much value in his marriage. He did not value what he had, and treated his wife accordingly. He most likely knew that there was some possibility he would be caught, yet he went through with his plans depite this. He must accept what he set in motion. In my opinion, a man who arranges to cheat on his wife with a prostitute does not place much emphasis on his wife and family in the first place, and should not feel guilt when his actions ruin his wife and family. Cheating was no big deal. Getting caught should be no big deal for him, either.
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 In my opinion, a man who arranges to cheat on his wife with a prostitute does not place much emphasis on his wife and family in the first place, and should not feel guilt when his actions ruin his wife and family. Cheating was no big deal. Getting caught should be no big deal for him, either. I understand what you're saying...BUT...Who knows the frame of mind of the poster at the time this happened? Only he knows. It's so easy to sit and say he SHOULD feel or do this and that...Life doesn't work that way unfortunately. Obviously in his mind getting caught woke him up and NOW he has realized wtf he has done and what he could (will) lose. It's better for him to feel the guilt now than never. Just my 2 cents.
Enema Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 They say the difference between murder and manslaughter is pre-meditation. You premeditated and planned this transgression which is what makes it so bad. You can't now say, "I'm sorry, it didn't mean anything, it just happened and it will never happened again" This is obviously who you are and you should never try to become involved in a committed relationship again. Also, kudos to that person that picked up on the fact that he's posting this so his wife will see his internet history and take pity on him. If he's capable of planning to cheat on his wife so thoroughly it's more than possible that he'd plan such a complex way to get forgiven.
pinkrosette Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 They say the difference between murder and manslaughter is pre-meditation. You premeditated and planned this transgression which is what makes it so bad. You can't now say, "I'm sorry, it didn't mean anything, it just happened and it will never happened again" Wouldn't this also be true of those in a long term affair? They would have to plan it to some degree.
Enema Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 I think so. Even though none of it is acceptable, a one time fling is not as bad as a long-term affair or a premeditated fling. If my partner had a one time fling I might be able to get passed it. A long-term affair or a planned one night stand is in that "do not forgive" pile. All IMO of course.
newbby Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 I think so. Even though none of it is acceptable, a one time fling is not as bad as a long-term affair or a premeditated fling. If my partner had a one time fling I might be able to get passed it. A long-term affair or a planned one night stand is in that "do not forgive" pile. All IMO of course. this is who you are?! well he may aswell give up now then. never get into any other relationship or try and fix this one, because this is who he is. thats that then. how can people ever better themselves if the world around them holds the view that they cannot change?
newbby Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 This is obviously who you are and you should never try to become involved in a committed relationship again. . sorry, wrong quote above
harleygirl92156 Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 I think so. Even though none of it is acceptable, a one time fling is not as bad as a long-term affair or a premeditated fling. If my partner had a one time fling I might be able to get passed it. A long-term affair or a planned one night stand is in that "do not forgive" pile. All IMO of course. I said the same thing, but here I am, alcoholism, recovery, admission of one year long affair with bar fly whore, and changes, BIG changes in him. I swore I would never stay if he had an affair, but all circumstances are different. I may not have made a good decision, only time will tell. The past year has been hell, but the rocky road is getting smoother. I guess what I am saying here is NEVER say NEVER because you may find yourself eating those words. My mother was a cheater and I said I would NEVER be like her, but in my first marriage, did in fact cheat. Ate those words too. Just take things one day at a time as they come and never say never as you don't REALLY know what you would do until you are faced with the situation. I don't agree one bit with what he as done as you may be able to tell in my earlier post, BUT for others to come on here and say what they would do if they were cheated on, when in fact they have never been cheated on, is rather condesending as you never know for sure what you would do in either situation, cheated or cheater. We all have it in us.
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