SMHappyface Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 When the person you love and trust more than anybody breaks that and hurts you beyond your wildest imagination, it's hell on earth. How does the dumpee deal with the pain? I am working through my own dark hell as I try to get over an ex-fiance who cheated on me with his dad's girlfriend's married daughter. So many lies - even after the fact. He still hasn't come clean. I find myself not being able to sleep - 3, maybe 4 hours a night, I toss and turn and can't shut my brain off. I want to think of something else, but I can't. It's a pain I have never in my life experienced this bad (and my bf before C did the same thing with an internet chick). During the day I refuse to stop moving, I can't eat - I've lost almost 10 lbs in the past 2-3 weeks. When you only weighed 120 to begin with, this isn't healthy, but I have no appetite. I am desperate - any ideas on how to cope with this? I want to move on, but without my fiance I have no idea what I want to do in my life - where to go, how to make the days go by faster... I am crying right now, the pain is unbelievable.
NrclptcNSmniak Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 <sigh> i find it comforting yet depressing at how many people are in a similar state of mind as i am. i also haven't been able to sleep well for the past month... i understand perfectly what you mean by not being able to shut off your brain. although ive never been able to sleep well, when i had her, it wasn't that bad. now i find myself lying in bed for hours trying to sleep and finally after i do sleep all i can do is dream about her and wake up and have a crappy morning. i found myself taking tylenol pm to help with my problems but.... all it does really is help the time pass by faster. i end up feeling tired and groggy when i wake up. i went from 128 to 118, and still cant stop thinking about her.... as i dropped off my friend an hour away back to his house i found myself driving around my old neighborood... i ended up in front of my x's house.... her car wasn't there so i figured she sneaked out and went over to her douchebag of a boyfriends house and are out right now living it up... i drove around some more then drove the hour back home.... now here i sit... at 1 in the morning trying to pass the time untill my tylenol starts to kick in.... i realize that taking pills isn't the right answer but if i don't then.... i might end up going insane from sleep depravation... i also don't want to get on a perscription because... they carry even more of a risk of dependancy.. ive actually slept the past 3 nights without anything, but only because my friend was in the other room. i think we should go talk to a counselor or something.... although these feelings are normal.... and will pass over time... maybe seeing someone about them will help speed the recovery process and make sure that we don't heal with a scar. i think taht if you are blessed with having friends that are good enough and care enough about you, you sshould make it a point to hang out with them as much as possible. i don't really have any friends except the one that i took home today. hes been a great friend of mine for the past 3 years and.... really ... is the only one i have left. although hes insensitive and doesn't know much about these things, he tries to sympathize with how im feeling, and doesn't really mind me always complaining about life, my x, my x friend that is now going out with my x, and... just people in general. i think jsut keeping yourself busy in general is the key. i find myself with no job no friends... not in school, and really ...not doing anything.... it's only making it worse so... i think ima go out and get myself a job untill i start my transfer process next semester at the city college. also.. ive found these forums very helpful. it is sort of comforting knowing that im not the only one suffering right now. and that many other people have gone through this type of thing and are fine now. if you would like to read my long and pathetic story and think that it could help you out or give you someone that you can relate to, its here on this forum at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t74642/ i know it's not exactly the same, and that having your boyfriend actually cheat on you is probably worse than what my x girlfriend did to me... im sure that the pain is all the same when someone you love has betrayed you seemingly without any emotion at all.
scobro Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 I too am going through the extreme pain you feel.My wife dumped me out of the blue and long story short starts dating some guy she meets a couple weeks later(thread title Wife dumped me).Lots of lies denying the whole bit.I had to live in the same house with her for 2 months until I could move.I couldn't eat or sleep i also lost 20 pounds which I sure did not want to lose.I went through relationship withdrawal when I was on my own Oct 1st where I was in constant pain in my stomach and tightening of my chest I was sick and nautious and would wake up sweating in a panic at night after dreaming about heralso couldn't concentrate and was in a haze of sadness all the time.It has been 6 weeks on my own and have good days and real bad days but my advice to you is one day at a time and try not to exhaust yourself.It is a process and will take time but like other posts I have read we will get through it other people have gone through what we are going through and they have eventually made it and so will we.Hang in there better days are ahead.
Outcast Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 First, Google 'How to Survive the Loss of a Love' and read the free online book. Next, spend time with your friends and family. Do not hole up all by yourself. Make yourself eat by eating whatever you can - if the only thing that seems palatable is chocolate cake, eat that. As for sleep, antihistamines are harmless sleep agents and the best thing about them is they're non-addicting. Buy yourself a box of them and take one every night for the next couple of weeks to knock yourself out. Do NOT drink and especially do not drink if you're taking the antihistamines. Get some exercise every day - even if it's just a short walk around the block. Do not watch romance movies and listen to sad songs. Go rent as many comedies as you can and watch them or turn your channel to the Comedy network and watch TV. Make a list of all his bad traits and all the bad things he did to you. Every single one. Keep it handy and read it every time you start to grieve. We get addicted to the people we love and now you have to go into a program of breaking the addiction.
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 without my fiance I have no idea what I want to do in my life - where to go, how to make the days go by faster... I am crying right now, the pain is unbelievable. Awww honey, that's so sad. I've been there too. Have a hug ((( ))) Outcast's advice is great. I would just add that you need to adjust your expectations. It's perfectly natural for this to hurt and for you to feel so bad. When you break a bone, you expect to be incapacitated for some time - even if you can do certain things to speed the healing process. So it is with a bad break-up. You will get better eventually, but you need to accept that you progress will be slow. So speed the process with friends, lifestyle adjustments. But don't be hard on yourself or expect too much, too soon.
In Sync Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 My ex broke it off back in April..it wasn't completely NC but intervals of contact and now complete no word from him anymore and definitely no contact from my part. My recovery from it seems never ending. Am I being hard on myself. I have ok days but lately I'm just overcome by sadness. It is only when I preocuppy myself through my work do I feel relief from the blues. Should I be over this by now? What's wrong with me? Everyone seems to be finding a way to move on from their painful break-up and I haven't found that way yet.
brittanyjean259 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 im sorry your going through this, but it does help me feel better to know that we all come here, sitting in our chairs......feeling the same dang way, i try to think of it like that ... i try to think" well im going to go through this for a while so might as well relax"...and the pain wont always be there, when my hole experience happen to me the first week was sooo unbearable, i think honestly it made me kind of" crazy"..the air felt soo empty,i called my mom balling the pain i felt was unbeleivable i never want to go back to that day, but it does get better ...yes it still hurts....but it feels different after a while.... your ex fiance will eventually get whats coming to him...do you guys talk?.... you need to eat, or to a counsler
brittanyjean259 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 i just read one of your threads, stating that you wanted to get things patched up between your ex,and you feel terrible for being manipulating? was that along time ago? jww
Alwaysunsure Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Take comfort in your forum friends.I am kind of new to this site, but everyone has been very helpful to me. I just broke up with my boyfriend on Tuesday last week. And I am still going through the same thing you're going through. Long days and sleepless nights. What you need to do is remember that he did not treat you right, and you deserve better. Being the dumpee is never easy. i keep telling myself too, that everyone has been hurt by someone they loved at some point in there life. You're not alone. Your friends and family love you, and they're there to support you. Take some time now to do things for YOU. Things that maybe you didn't have the chance to do when you were with him.Take the advice of Outcast, it is very good. Definitly dont sit alone at home. Heck, this weekend, invite a bunch of your friends over, and make dinner, or order a pizza. You're more likely to eat when you're being comforted by your friends. Do something to take your mind off it. Night time is the worst because it is time for you to be alone, and you have time to think about everything. I cant really help ya with that one, because I do the exact same thing :/ This is hard, but you will get through it. Everyone on this site is here to help you. And if that is your picture with your post, you are beautiful, and you look young, you have so much ahead of you in life. Keep your chin up!
Author SMHappyface Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 No, my ex and I have not talked - And to answer Brittney's question, I am NOT trying to patch things up if even 10% of what I found out this weekend is true. The manipulation part was telling him he couldn't be friends with Y - the girl he apparently cheated on me with (I told him this because I was jealous before I knew anything). I got in contact with my ex's best friend's wife who I am friends with, and lives a few hours away (I doubt he ever thought I would talk to her) and they mentioned what C had told them which didn't add up AT all, in addition to what they saw when they brought the girl back. (Him kissing her, talking about having sex with her, etc) Up to now, he's told me he's not seeing/sleeping with any girls and is 100% with me, just needs time to figure out the whole argument. My ex is the type of man you'd expect to commit murder before he would cheat, and the new girl is quite ugly and outweighs me by about 100 lbs, so in that respect that is a slap in the face. She does have a lot of money. And here's the clincher - her mother is still married to her father, but lives with/F**ks C's dad - talk about a greek tragedy. Man, this is so messed up, and I didn't even have a clue about ANYTHING him being like this for YEARS!!! Talk about feeling stupid. We don't talk - C called his friend that I talked to, and I guess saw my car in town and accussed him of being disloyal to him and loyal to me. M (C's best friend) told him he would be happy to accept the new girl as soon as he made things right with me, the old girl - who apparently hasn't been officially dumped and lied to about the status of the relationship. Anyways, the pain is so hard - I appreciated Outcast's ideas, I HAVE tried to eat, I was proud of myself, I choked down a whole half of sandwhich today in a little over an hour. I can't taste food, the devistation is incredible. But perhaps it will get better, each day, hopefully I will be able to see the world happy. I just hope that someday I will be able to trust again - I don't think I could survive being cheated on three times (My previous bf also cheated on me and we were quite serious, but not engaged). Life's a bitch and then you die... But maybe there is a silver lining somewhere.
luvtoto Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Your post reminds me of where I was 2.5 years ago. I was dumped by my fiance shortly before our wedding. He couldn't make the comittment. When I had to move, he didn't even help me look for an apartment. I was soooo devastated that I lost tons of weight to the point where I was literally ill for months. I was a shell of a person. All over some guy that never deserved me anyway!! I had to go through the pain to deal with it. I had to face it head on. No detours. Took me a good year to get back healthy again. I'll never be quite the same person...more guarded that's for sure! I know that at the time, I didn't want to face the pain or the truth...but, now because of all that I faced, I am strong and I've found my backbone. This may sound cliche, but what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Now when my x sees how great my life is and all the success I've had while not concentrating on him anymore, he admires me. He even gets nervous in my presence. He knows that I don't want him back and he told me that he regrets letting me go. I'm sorry, he'll have to live with his regrets, because I'm too strong for him now. I raised my standards in men. Actually, I don't need a man. Remember, what comes around...goes around!
brittanyjean259 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 im sorry this has happend to you guys, im sure it is more difficult with a finance, more shocking of course.....how stupid are they to even propose if there having doubts, what idiots...honestly i woke up from a dream about a friend who called and said my ex wanted me back, it was werid but i woke up again with a heartache that i hadnt felt in 3 days,,,and i kinda panicked....werid feeling hurtful it sucks...your right life is a bitch, cant wait till i can get through this
meltwithme Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 Happy Face: Hey girl, your going to be alright. I can tell your a strong gal, you made it through this before. How'd you get over it last time? It just happened right? Well it'll happen again and you will be enlightened when it does. It’s hell no doubt, that hollowness like someone kicked you in the stomach. But eventually that pain won’t hold you down. I wish there were magic words to make it go away too but there aren’t so just keep talking positive to yourself. You seem like a really amazing person, someone will appreciate that. The pain will be there but try to channel it into motivation, it can seriously change your life for the better. I am trying to keep my head up and it will be hard at times but we are both young enough to experience so much more in life. When you make it through this, any other pain wont distress you.
Author SMHappyface Posted November 15, 2005 Author Posted November 15, 2005 Happy Face: Hey girl, your going to be alright. I can tell your a strong gal, you made it through this before. How'd you get over it last time? It just happened right? Well it'll happen again and you will be enlightened when it does. It’s hell no doubt, that hollowness like someone kicked you in the stomach. But eventually that pain won’t hold you down. I wish there were magic words to make it go away too but there aren’t so just keep talking positive to yourself. You seem like a really amazing person, someone will appreciate that. The pain will be there but try to channel it into motivation, it can seriously change your life for the better. I am trying to keep my head up and it will be hard at times but we are both young enough to experience so much more in life. When you make it through this, any other pain wont distress you. Thanks for your kind words. I found out more tonight about everything - He called me and denied everything like a spineless bastard. Even when I full-out called him on it, he denied it. He called his best friend a lier, and told me that it was over because I was mean to him and he'd rather be with this new girl. I was eerily calm and let him go. Then tonight after a conversation with a good friend who has known C since he was 3 tells me that he was cheating with me over the summer with an ex-gf who he had a relationship when he was 17 (she was 24 at the time) and who was also married at the time. His dad lied and covered for him - the truth is being confirmed by all his friends and family - it's so wierd, I feel like I'm in a sick soap opera. My heart has stopped, and I wonder how I could've been so blind.
scobro Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 (My previous bf also cheated on me and we were quite serious, but not engaged Jesus Christ you have been through the ringer with guys that cheat.Twice now that must be horrible I hope you are more aware with your next guy.geeeeeez TWICE IS KILLER!!!Sorry:(
Author SMHappyface Posted November 15, 2005 Author Posted November 15, 2005 Jesus Christ you have been through the ringer with guys that cheat.Twice now that must be horrible I hope you are more aware with your next guy.geeeeeez TWICE IS KILLER!!!Sorry:( Dang, thanks JK, it made me smile. I think I have learned a whole lot from this and will definately think twice and do tons of research before I EVER get involved in a man again. Guys that cheat, repeatedly, with people and have the nerve to look me in the eye and say, "Sweetie, I have been faithful to you for THREE years!" He was such a smooth talker, and really made me believe him. What I should have done was talked to his friends and family BEFORE I got my heart involved, but it's human nature to want to believe the person they love. *sigh* Now I need to figure out how to erase my "Cheaters Wanted" personal ad that I appear to have taped to my ass. :-p
strongwillpwr Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 my gf of 6 years cheated on me this past spring....three or four times with the guy...they went on friggen dates behind my back...i treated her like gold, and she betrayed me. it's tough...i felt very hurt, embarassed, and humiliated. when i first found out, i felt nauseous every morning for the next month. now, 5 months after the fact, i still have downs once in a while, and i still think about her a lot...but i'm in a much better place than i was....i go out with friends, and we laugh and have fun...i play volleyball once a week and completely forget about my ex... i really leaned on a lot of my friends. I vented for hours to all of my close friends whenever i felt really down, and it really helped. i wrote a number of emails to my ex that i never sent. that really helped also...I also read a lot of articles on the net about life, and relationships, and how things like this happen to many of us, and we grow tremendously from the experience...
Author SMHappyface Posted November 15, 2005 Author Posted November 15, 2005 Tylonel PM is wonderful stuff. After weeks of no sleep, I took two of those buggers and slept like a baby. Maybe since my ex finally called me up and yelled at me on the phone saying it was over (even though he had been telling other people this for weeks) was when I got closure. Finding the truth myself I didn't want to believe it, but not that I see the man he REALLY was, it makes the hurt not so acute as I was so blind. Anyways, I even tried to eat something this morning, and choaked down a few strawberries and half a biscuit. I feel like I'm on the right track, and determine to stay busy and move on with life - good friends, times with family and soon, hopefully a new plan for my life that I make for me, not centered around my Ex's many demands.
brittanyjean259 Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 i know your hurt, i know that feeling to, ive always had things in my head that my ex had been doing " suspicious " things behind my back, not that i really know.....but if i ever found out now....( with him still being my ex.)... id probaly faint, to be hurt like that and" be blind" makes you feel so insecure with your self, it hurts so bad....and these cheaters, ha they will get what they desearve i promis you that, because there is no way they will go through life being happy.... they will suffer to, and they will know what its like, people should live life in morality, because karma is true" what comes around goes around"...and i dont see how people are so stupid to think things wont come back to get them
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