jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Question. Hypothetically, let's say someone you love has clinical depression and they have a set-back and fall back into depression. Your boyfriend/girlfriend is taking their medication and seeing their doctor, but it's not working quite right and they are working with their doctor to find the right cocktail of drugs because sometimes a change of meds is called for. But your loved one has been moody, anxious and emotional, and it's been hard on you. They know it's difficult to be around them, but they need your support while they get on the mend. Do you bail because it's easier to call it quits than to ride out the storm? Or do you stay and reassure them that you love them and won't leave?
Tattoo4u Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 I'm going to be honest here...I have been in this situation before, only I was the depressed one. At the time, it didn't matter to me if my boyfriend stayed or not. In fact, I wanted him to leave. I didn't want him to see me like that and the fact that he was there all the time was almost making things worse. I knew then and I know now that his intentions were great, but he didn't know how to deal with it. I felt as though I had to hide my true feelings, which certainly weren't helping things along. I know this doesn't answer your question, or any question at all...but I thought I would give you a little insight on what it could be like on the other side. And remember, every situation is different...
mini696 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 You ride out the storm... Love through thick and thin. I agree with Tattoo above too. Yet my first statement still stands. Because if you are adding to the problem you should love the person enough to leave them the hell alone.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 I'm beginning to think I have a fair-weather boyfriend. He says he still loves me, but this is wearing him out, and he doesn't know if we should be together anymore. I'm doing everything I can to make sure I get the right medical treatment, but I feel like he's abandoning me when I need him the most. Yes, he says I'm needy....and I am...I'm sick, and I don't feel good. There's such a stigma with depression. If I had some other disease I doubt he'd be thinking about calling things off.
Tattoo4u Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Okay Jen....he's being a jerk. You need him right now and he's trying to get out of being there for you. You're absolutely right...it's an illness. It takes time to cure, but it is possible. He wouldn't leave you just because you have the flu, would he???? Okay okay, I know it's not the same as having the flu. Here's the down and dirty....if he's not willing to be there for you now, when you really need him, when will he be there? Can you ever really depend on him, or will you always ask yourself if he'll stick it out. I take back what I said before (kind of) and agree with Mini.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 The thing I struggle with is that I know that this is hard on him. When I think about it and put myself in his shoes, it must be terribly frustrating to see someone you love fall to pieces, freak out at every little thing, be paranoid, accuse you of being mean and see everything as black, black, black. My boyfriend has lots of his own stress he's dealing with, and I know my depression is just adding to it. I know all this, and yet, for the last six weeks or so I've been unable to control the way I feel and act. I hate this disease. F'ing hate it. I'm doing the best I can to work with my doctor to get the meds right. But with each passing day I feel my boyfriend slipping further and further away from me. This whole thing hurts and scares me to death, and I don't know how to fix it.
Tattoo4u Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 It might be a little early...but have you thought about going to your psychologist together? If it is something that is making getting better more difficult, your Dr. should agree that it could be helpful. Do you think your boyfriend would be willing to go?
Outcast Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Some people are able to handle the 'worse' part of 'for better or worse' (and whether or not you are married, the principles are the same). It's better you find out now whether you have one of those types that's just not cut out for it. If he intends to stay around, he can't do it alone. He, too, will need support and maybe counseling. There are online support groups for families and partners of depressed people - often as part of forums for depressed people.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 I feel like he's fallen out of love with me because of the illness. I just want things back to the way they were...before I slipped and before he started pushing me away. And with the holidays coming up, I feel more alone than ever.
flowergirl Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Hi, Jen: Girl, I know just how you feel, because I'm bi-polar, and I f***n hate my disease, because, as you said, it is difficult to control your emotions and how you feel about things around you. Mental illness is so misunderstood, and stigmatized, it's quite unfair. Anyway, if it's hard on an observer, they should only imagine how hard it is on us, and if they aren't willing to stick through it after claiming they love you, that's their problem.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 It feels like he's putting a condition on our relationship....like, "I can only be with you if you're not sick" kind of thing. I didn't expect this kind of reaction from him because he went through his own depressive episode a few years ago....although, I don't think he has chronic clinical depression....most likely it was an acute situational depression thing. So maybe that's why he doesn't understand why it's so hard to just snap out of it.
nextel Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 I most certainly would not deal with a person that has that kind of problem. Its just too much of a headache. Life is already hard, I would not want to make it more complicated for myself.
JS17 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 I most certainly would not deal with a person that has that kind of problem. Its just too much of a headache. Life is already hard, I would not want to make it more complicated for myself. Well that was not constructive, and pretty immature if you ask me. Jen_Jen, everyone has issues, don't let anyone fool you into thinking they don't. An important part of finding someone who works for you is determining whether you are able to handle each other's issues. You're right, I would have expected someone with depression to understand that it's temporary and would be able to handle it. You are who you are, he can't say that you can't be sick in order for him to love you. If he can't love you because of you're illness then maybe he's not right for you. I'm sorry I think you deserve better than this. On the other hand...you said that you are being needy. Is it possible that you are dumping all of your problems on him? Therapists and journals are where you should be dumping your problems. Friends and boyfriends should be there to share, understand, and support.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 On the other hand...you said that you are being needy. Is it possible that you are dumping all of your problems on him? Therapists and journals are where you should be dumping your problems. Friends and boyfriends should be there to share, understand, and support. Yes, I have been needy. Because the depression doesn't make me feel safe to be alone with my own thoughts sometimes...if that makes any sense. My boyfriend says that he wants me to tell him what's wrong or how I'm feeling, but then I feel like he gets short with me. I do lean on my best friend, and she and I understand each other, we've been friends for two decades. But I also need to know that the man in my life is there for me too. He says that he supports me, and he can be very supportive, but I feel like it's when I'm at my lowest that he gets angry with me. And now, after the argument we had the other night, I fear that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He said, "It's getting old."
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 Still no contact from him. I feel so low, unloved and worthless. Damaged goods.
bigAL Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 why dont you call him then? i too was a victim of depression--i was on the other side and i can tell you that it does get old. you want tot be close to someone , and they push you away, and dont want to tell you of their feelings, etc. so yo can make the attempt to understand. so you finally decide that you dont need someone this unstable in your life, and this is your future---an on again and off again person who wants to share half of their life instead of all of it--the flaws and everything. so i'll tell you what i wanted from my ex, so that i could decide for myself whether to stick it out......tell them about your disease and all the ramifications of it so that they might better understand. tell them about the meds, and what it does to you mentally and sexually and otherwise. just open up to them, be honest, and let the chips fallwhere they may. if you dont, then thye will just become suspicious, distance themselves, and finally feel thta you are being dishonest and seek better pastures. i know thats a tall order for someone with depression, but its about you recognizing the effects that your disease has on someone else who really caresa about you. especially when thye want to help and all you do is want then gone for the time being. an honest relationship is what all you women want, isnt it?? then start it yourself, tell your depression to go screw itself, and take a chance. begin by grasping the situation instead of contiualy taking the cowards way ouit of letting the disease control your entire existence and relationships. what have you got to lose, except maybe a little pride?? later
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 24, 2005 Author Posted November 24, 2005 why dont you call him then? Yeah, I did call him. Left him a voicemail asking if we could please talk. Sent him two emails telling how I'm feeling, but it's been 10 days since he yelled at me on the phone, and no response from him. This is awful. I feel so abandoned. And I miss him terribly. Now it's the holidays, and I had so much hope for doing romantic couple-y type stuff with him. And my birthday is in a week, and he was just asking me a couple of weeks ago what I wanted for my birthday. I just don't understand how he could be so cruel. Things were soooo good between us, and now it's all gone.
JS17 Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 I'm sooo sorry to hear about what happened jen_jen. You didn't deserve that kind of treatment. You need to find someone who appreciates what a great person you are and he wasn't it. *hugs*
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 24, 2005 Author Posted November 24, 2005 Thanks JS17. I really needed to hear that. Depression is so painful, lonely and isolating enough...I didn't need to add losing someone I love to the mix. I'm trying so hard just to stay functioning at this point -- going to work and remembering to eat.
JS17 Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 I know, it's hard. You're getting your medication fixed so it's only a matter of time before you feel better. Until then, you're doing the right thing, fake it til you make it and get the bare minimum done. You seem like someone that always perserveres. I have faith that you'll make it back to happy again someday soon.
sadfish Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 Jen_Jen, I've been where you are (sadly, we're no longer together) but this site helped me to understand and find support during the frustrations and sadness: http://www.depressionfallout.com Perhaps it can help you. Much luck!
newbby Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 jen-jen, you are better off without somebody who does not want to understand how you feel. the "getting old" comment was very insensitive. on the other hand, nobody can save you from yourself. if there are people around you who are contributing to your depression, then you are definetly better off alone. good luck with your meds.
waitingawhile Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 Jen, I have been where you are right now. It's a horrible horible place to be. I got the "it's getting old" comments. I'll tell you what worked - I found someone else to dump all my problems on. More accurately, I found other PEOPLE to dump my problems on. I'm not saying I never asked my bf for support, but just that he was no longer my sole source. It really is not fair to him. It got so that he became totally desensitized to me being upset - it was like crying wolf. Yes, it's hard not to run to him everytime something goes wrong. Trust me, I really had to work hard at it. But it's only fair that I work as hard as he does in putting up with me . In all seriousness, it IS work trying to deal with someone who is depressed. Just like it's work trying to deal with someone who has another debilitating disease. Sooner or later you will come to resent that person, even if that resentment is hidden in the back of your subconscious. We are happier than ever, and I have since weaned off my medication. I really do believe that because of the situation with bf, I was forced to work on myself, and my depression is now in remission. Another thing, what medication are you on? I was on Effexor XR, and it gave me horrible anxiety as a side effect, which I didn't really realize until after I'd weaned off of it. I hope that everything works out with you Becky
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