Tangerina Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 So, I am going to abreviate the story, but basically we live in different cities and see each other on weekends. We have been together for 4.5 months and are really really compatible and into each other... and I do trust him a lot, I think.... So, about a week ago we were talking on the phone and he asks if he could get massages from female friends because he had a sore neck... I said... oh darlin, wish I was there to rub your neck, but sure, hope you feel better... Well, last night we were talking and it turns out that he wants to know if it is ok if he gives girls massages too... I said sure, I give massages to my friends.... but then after a bunch of talking about it I find that giving massages is a sexual thing to him and he wants to cuddle with these girls and he wants to do it like as kind of an outlet for sexual tension when he can't be with me... I was really uncomfortable with the cuddling thing and told him so but told him I trusted him to be his own person and be aware of what is appropriate or not at the time.... and then the conversation wandered to other things... So, today I was feeling really down and bothered and wasn't sure why.... then it hit me... I started wondering if maybe he was already doing this and kind of trying to ask permission after the fact... so now I have all these horrible suspicions that he has been snuggling up to random girls and giving them massages... what does he mean by cuddling? Would they both be fully clothed? In our conversation last night, which was about trust and jealousy and expectations etc..., he let me know that he always finds ways to work it into conversations with new girls very early on that he has a girlfriend so no one has the wrong idea about him or tries to get with him... I also know that if he was doing these things it didn't seem like cheating to him... but it would feel that way to me if he were cuddling other girls and then kind of telling me about it and half getting permission ut not really coming clean about it.... Or is he really just asking if I would be confortable with it and it hasn't actually happened during the time that we have been together... if it has happened should I forgive him and chalk it up to a miscommunication and set stricter boundaries? I feel really bad for even suspecting him, but it was kind of a wierd thing to bring up and it makes me wonder! So, in 3 hours I am going to be back at my appartment and I will call him and ask him very diplomatically what has been going on. I am hoping that I will find out that I am a fool and worrying about nothing and then I can feel foolish and go to sleep and everything can be fine... but what if he has been a cuddle whore? Should I dump him? Should we work it out? Should I hang up on him and get drunk and cry? I don't know, I am really confused.... what do you think is going on? As background, we are both kind of from social circles where people aren't very uptight with their bodies, so things like massages and skinny dipping arent a big deal in themselves, but finding out that it is a sexual thing for him and that cuddling, which to me is a very intimate thing, could be involved is what I have a problem with.... but I don't even know if he is doing it....
kitkat826 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Just the other day I was talking with a good male friend, confirming my long held hunch that "massage" in male talk really meant "booty". As in, "Hey give me a massage?" means "Hey, give me some booty?". Honestly, I've never met a guy who after touching him with no shirt or him touching me with no shirt didn't give him a hard on. Massages and cudding in my book is cheating. Not only is it sharing physical intimacy with someone else, its way too tempting to mess with.
mini696 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 ]________[ Here's the kerb... Kick him too it. How dare he ask that!! I'm from a openly social background too, skinny dipping, changing in front of other people, peeing, etc, etc. But I get the feeling he is clearing his consious, and will come back later -after your get upset at something he has done- and claim "But you said it was OK"
Author Tangerina Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 Yah, I think massage does mean booty a lot of the time... that is how he got me to go out with him... Well, I just talked to him because I needed to find out exactly what he meant with all of that and clear the air... and yeah, if he had been cuddling girls I think I would have kicked him to the curb... but it turns out that that hasn't been going on except a sunggle or two with close-lifelong friends so I made it clear that I would not be confortable if it was going on and then things were fine... so I am glad that I am dumb... I kind of reached a mini panic this weekend because I really realized that I have fallen for him deeply and that is really scary to me since I had my heart broken less than 6 months ago... I put up with so much BS in my last relationship (ie not kicking my ex to the curb when he spooned with and cuddled and gave butt massages to female ballet dancers when he was at ballet camp) so now I am realizing that I am hyper sensitive because I am not going to let myself be walked all over again... which is good!!! but I am trying to not let it get in the way of my current relationship.... I do think I was justified in making a bit of a deal to get that one sorted out, though! and now he knows that I feel like cuddling is crossing a line... massages still doesn't really bother me though....
mini696 Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 Making a big deal out of anything is rarely justified. But you were right to confront him... As long as its calm, calculated, detail, and clear.
AlmostMarried77 Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 Massages and cudding in my book is cheating. Not only is it sharing physical intimacy with someone else, its way too tempting to mess with. Speaking as a guy... I am in complete agreement with that statement.
Author Tangerina Posted November 15, 2005 Author Posted November 15, 2005 HAHA, yeah, I agree that making a big deal about things sucks... yesterday was a very cranky down day for me and everything felt like a big deal... no, I talked to him about it calmly (though I wish it had been more detailed and clear, I was feeling pretty crummy yesterday) even though I felt like crap and he answered truthfully and was sorry that he had made me worry... it was a good and short talk and now I know that he knows how I feel and I also know that nothing that I would be uncomfortable with has been going on... I backed off once I said what I needed to say... the more that I thought about it, I realized that what I felt bad about was baggage from my last relationship where I didn't set clear boundaries and as a result got walked all over... although I don't feel my current BF would do that to me intentionally, I panicked once I realized that I was doing it again (being spineless) and it felt like crap... so I just told him explicitly how I felt about that sort of thing....
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