ohcrapnotagain Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Hi all, I've got issues that I could really do with an outside perspective on, they will become clear, but a little background is neccessary. Two years ago I was studying in college in the US. I met and starting dating a beautiful girl, we were together for the entire year and the following summer, but I had to leave to return to the UK to graduate. We kept a long-distance relationship going, planned to see each other and I visited for Christmas, see came out to see me about 4 weeks after that. We called it quits in June, it was difficult and I didn't know when I was going to see her again given that having graduated I now needed a job in the UK. I did sleep with other people but then a month later I found that she was sleeping with another guy, I freaked out and hopped a plane to see her. We managed to get things going again, but the initial trust we had was gone, lies on both sides hurt us but we worked thru it and were together for another four months. I've just arrived back in the U.K and have been speaking to her on the phone, she will be coming out here for christmas but then she told me that one of the reasons I couldn't get hold of her on the first night apart was that she was working late, but I found out she was having dinner with a work colleague, why would she lie? Then last night she went back to the college we had been studying together at and hit a few bars with all her old boyfriends and girlfriends, she called me when she woke up the next morning and has said that nothing happened, I don't believe her, I know she's a flirt and loves dancing, and I'm just worrying myself to the point of throwing up. I can't see anything except images of her getting groped by other guys, and grinding up and down their legs. What the hell should I do? I could just cut this relationship off now, and save what is left of a truely sick heart, or am I overreacting and should just chill out. I can't sleep and I can't eat and I'm just a f*cking mess, any help, ideas, or anything will be so, so appreciated. Thank you all, B.
Tony Posted November 14, 2005 Senior Moderators Posted November 14, 2005 Obviously you no longer trust this lady so that relationship may be doomed. However, you should seek counselling to assist you with trust issues with women in general. If you get sick because someone you like goes out on the town with friends and you suspect she's thrown herself all over everybody, this is a sign of an issue to need to deal with immediately. Have relationships with people you totally trust and understand that all people are human and they screw up. Either learn to forgive and give another chance or move on. In any case, you will one day meet one special lady for whom you will have absolutely no doubts about her conduct while she's not around you...that is, if you get the help with your jealousy, trust and control issues.
ZGT1503 Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 Hey, I understand fully what you are feeling, although I also don't believe it's healthy or helpful - but how do you stop these thoughts which make you feel sick?! I'm exactly the same, and it doesn't matter what you tell yourself logically, the feelings are still there. It's made worse by being long distance and letting your mind run away with you. Given your situation, I think you are probably overreacting somewhat, but I would be the same. Have you told her this is how you're feeling? That you're suspicious and why would she lie? (About dinner with the work colleague.) In my experience, if your partner knows you are jealous, they will try to cover up even the most innocent experiences because they worry you will overreact. That's why I try to deal with it alone and not let my boyfriend know how jealous I feel, because generally it makes it worse. I understand the advice that Tony gave, that if you don't trust her the relationship is doomed... but being in a similar situation myself, it is also silly to throw away a great person because you yourself have issues - it will just happen again in the next relationship! Work on how to deal with it without putting the pressure on her. How you do this I don't know - I'm still looking for a way!! Good luck...
Author ohcrapnotagain Posted November 15, 2005 Author Posted November 15, 2005 Thank you both for your advice, you are both right and an outside perspective has enabled me to see that yes, I do have a problem with trust, I have never wanted to go near counselling because it seems then that I can't deal with this stuff on my own, a weakness. Tony, thank you, your frank honesty makes it easy to see a way out, I'll endeavour to get help and then wait for the right lady to come along. ZGT1503, you are exactly right, it's happened in the past that she has even said that she is scared of telling me somethings because she knows that I'll overreact and that she loves me anyway so wouldn't do anything. I bet that is that same way with this dinner thing, I can't ask her about it because I got my information from a source that she doesn't know I have, i.e her email... I know, I know, what kind of freak checks their g/f's email, but I do. It's caused more problems than good, but I find things that I wouldn't normally know. Thank you both, the way out is becoming clearer. B.
ZGT1503 Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 Just another thing about what you wrote - the counselling thing. I have just started to go after years and years of jealousy and trust issues, and it was a HUGE step for me to admit I had a problem which I couldn't deal with on my own. I also, like you, felt this was a big sign of weakness and that I was strong and didn't need help etc etc, and that I was not the sort of person who needed counselling for anything. It even took me until I was across the other side of the world (I'm from the UK but living in Australia) to do anything about it, because here I feel kind of anonymous! I can't say it's a quick fix, but it is a relief to talk about this to someone who doesn't just say "don't be silly, trust them" and thinks that's an easy thing to do!! I've found a guy who means a lot to me and I'm determined not to ruin it like my last relationships, by being suspicious and distrustful. I hope you will be able to do the same, best of luck. (By the way, I have also in the past resorted to checking emails/phones. This is not a good idea as you find out things you don't want to know but then you can't confront them without saying how you found out!! But I understand why you do this. I'm trying hard not to be like this now as it's always caused me more pain, but you are not alone in this behaviour!)
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