y0ss Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Hi. I just have something I wanted to ask about. And I would REALLY appreciate ANY comments. Thanks, _______________ So if you want to try and empathise here I guess you need to read this by trying to think as if you had chronically low-self esteem, extreme social anxiety, and suffered with depression. You also need to think about having made quite a few bad choices in relationships in the past, and having had critical parents. You also isolated yourself for many years. Yes I know it’s basically avoidant personality disorder. ________________ ...have any of you ever been in a position were you are about to enter a serious relationship with someone who you really like and admire. But they then ask you for some form of commitment, and it pushes you the other way? despite the fact you were the demanding one (and overly so) in the early stages when they resisted? 1) Have you ever ended things at this point becuase you feel (or feared) they would reject you in the end? 2) Have you cut the realtionship short becuase you felt it was the safer thing to do, for you and them - as you feared your own issues would mean it wouldn't last? 3) Have you ever felt that you weren't good enough for the other person, and feared that once they realised this they would leave you, so you acted first and left them? I'm just really struggling with these issues and would appreciate ANY input. Maybe people have experienced this from both perspectives... Thanks for your time.
slubberdegullion Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 ...have any of you ever been in a position were you are about to enter a serious relationship with someone who you really like and admire. But they then ask you for some form of commitment, and it pushes you the other way? despite the fact you were the demanding in the early stages when they resisted?It depends on how long the relationship has lasted and how comfortable you are with the person. Although I don't consider myself a commitment-phobe, I've been stung bad enough in the past to know when it's too early, for me personally, to consider some sort of binding commitment or monogamy. So I suppose it's dependent on your personality and your history. 1) Have you ever ended things at this point becuase you feel (or feared) they would reject you in the end?Yep. Not because of the fear of rejection - I'm long since over that now - but because the emotional dishonesty that would come with maintaining a relationship that you know isn't going anywhere. 2) Have you cut the realtionship short becuase you felt it was the safer thing to do, for you and them - as you feared your own issues would mean it wouldn't last?Yes; see above. 3) Have you ever felt that you weren't good enough for the other person, and feared that once they realised this they would leave you, so you acted first and left them?Yes, to my shame. It took a long time to realize that the "real" me is OK; not without fault, certainly, but OK enough, strong enough, respectful and caring enough to be a positive influence in the lives of those in my sphere of influence, including a partner.
Jellostick Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Unfortunately, I think those reasons might have been why my ex broke up w/ me but she will never admit that 'cause she doesn't open herself up. She used me as the big excuse but I truly believe that she has issues that caused her to break up our relationship after 3 and a half months. A few times after the breakup I mentioned how she was scared and confused but she said she wasn't but she couldn't hide her feelings to me. We had one conversation after our breakup where she mentioned marriage, how she's religious and wants her kids to be religious and wants to go to church on Sundays w/ her family. She mentioned this 'cause I'm not religious so though we had so much in common, I guess it's important to her that the person she ends up w/ is religious though she knew I was from the start and still fell in love w/ me. We had that conversation when she was drunk and she didn't really want to discuss it a few days later when she was sober 'cause once again she likes to keep her feelings to herself. I'm trying my best not to contact her and haven't for over a week now but I keep having this idea to write her a long letter and slip it under her door and telling her everything I think troubles her that she won't let anyone know about. I'm sure that's not the right thing to do but I feel that her insecurities will keep her from being happy for the rest of her life. I just believed in us and thought she was the most perfect person to enter my life in years and the way we got along I assumed she felt the same way too. I just don't understand why she'd throw away a good thing. Cheers.
slubberdegullion Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 We had one conversation after our breakup where she mentioned marriage, how she's religious and wants her kids to be religious and wants to go to church on Sundays w/ her family. She mentioned this 'cause I'm not religious so though we had so much in common, I guess it's important to her that the person she ends up w/ is religious though she knew I was from the start and still fell in love w/ me.Look like you dodged a bullet. Can you imagine what it would have been like if you and her had got married and then she springs the religion card on you? I keep having this idea to write her a long letter and slip it under her door and telling her everything I think troubles her that she won't let anyone know about.Don't. Just don't. If you need to write a letter to exorcise your own personal dæmons, go ahead but don't sent it to her. ... her insecurities will keep her from being happy for the rest of her life.Those are her issues, not yours; she has to deal with them, not you.
Jellostick Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 You're right, slubberdegullion. I'm not going to write her and I know I shouldn't and I'm not. And yes, those are her issues, not mine and the one I should be focus on here is me. The thing is, I just care about her so much that I hate the fact that she puts on a front that her life is fine when after the breakup I've come to realize it's not and I would just love to help her. Yeah, I might sound foolish but if she allowed me in, I'd do anything to make her feel at ease. That is why people keep telling me she's not worth it because if she's willing to break it off a great relationship 'cause of her issues then why would I give her a 2nd chance? Once again, she made me feel that it was all me and my issues. I think if you tell someone you love them, you owe them all your honesty. I feel betrayed and abandoned because of the lack of honesty and that she put the blame solely on me yet I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't still love her and care about her. I just can't seem to focus on what she did but focus instead on times we spent w/ each other, making love to her and all the things we shared. It seems that she has focused more on what she felt was bad that I did instead of focusing on all the good things that outweighed the bad. Then again, that's probably her issues allowing her to do that. As far as marriage goes, she's the first girl in over 3 years that I think I wanted to spend the rest of my life w/. I never thought of any religious stuff, just her and how happy I was w/ her. At some point I think I would have asked her to marry me 'cause she was that perfect and completed my life. Cheers.
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