Lishy Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Why is no contact so hard? Why do we get this strong urge that we find so hard to control to call/text/mail them? Does anyone have really good tips on how to fight those urges? Does anyone else think that if they dont contact their ex that their ex will want them back? Has that ever happened to any of you?
Lonestar Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 It's hard because in a sense, you're breaking an addiction to someone. That one phone call, text, or email is a way of getting the fix. It makes you feel better for that moment, but like crap after, especially when the contact doesn't go the way you imagined. Then you start wanting the next fix. It's a vicious cycle. No contact is like going cold turkey. It's very hard to deal with being rejected and it sucks to say goodbye to someone you were just making love to the week before. 1
downcydeguy Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Lonestar explained it. Our exes are our addictions. I'm not going to sit here and claim that I don't struggle everyday to NOT contact my ex, but I will say that we haven't spoken one single time since she dumped me a month ago. I believe it comes down to inner strength and will power. I force myself to "talk" to her in other ways...such as writing her letters without mailing them...reading old emails she sent while together, then replying without sending them...etc. I am going to send her a real email very soon, though. I'm not over her by any means but am calm enough to tell her that I wish her the best of luck with everything and to have a great life. So, every time you get the urge to contact your ex, hand-write him a letter. Just don't send it. Hope it helps you.
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Time for this thread. By no foolin' , a very wise guy who has helped many with his postings and other replies! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/?highlight=no+foolin Hope that helps ya. Hugs and remember, you will get through this...Time does heal all wounds, as much as that expression is overused, it's true. 1
slubberdegullion Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 I am going to send her a real email very soon, though. I'm not over her by any means but am calm enough to tell her that I wish her the best of luck with everything and to have a great life. What's the point of this, guy? Is it to get some "closure" for yourself? Or is it some sort of attempt at maintaining a positive relationship with her? Don't do it, man. I can see absolutely no upside to this at all.
slubberdegullion Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Does anyone have really good tips on how to fight those urges? Go get laid. oh... you already did that... nevermind...
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Does anyone else think that if they dont contact their ex that their ex will want them back? Has that ever happened to any of you? DO no contact for you, not him. What is your purpose of doing NC? IS it to see if he'll want you back or is this a healing time for you? Put no expectations on this and just take it day by day. Keep busy - When your mind wanders and begins to think about him, then make yourself STOP! It is serving no purpose by thinking those thoughts. Yes, it hurts like heck, and probably will for a while - But just know the more NC you do, the better off you will feel. You'll feel less, care less and get into the habit of not being in his daily life - MAKE yourself believe that this is better for you. Eventually it will just fall into place and you'll look back, realize he really isn't worth it.
Author Lishy Posted November 13, 2005 Author Posted November 13, 2005 Go get laid. oh... you already did that... nevermind... :lmao: :lmao: :laugh:
Sami_D Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Why do we get this strong urge that we find so hard to control to call/text/mail them? Does anyone have really good tips on how to fight those urges? Well it's hard for a couple of reasons I can think of. For one thing, we've been in a relationship with the person. We're used to chatting to them, exchanging ideas and sweet nothings. We miss it! For another thing, it's just a natural human reaction to want to communicate with other people. NC goes against every single impulse and (short to medium term) desires we have. It's Unnatural. That's why it's so hard.
Hot Coco Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Every time you have the urge just think about what the outcome will be and how you will feel afterwards.
kpa Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 It's hard because in a sense, you're breaking an addiction to someone. That one phone call, text, or email is a way of getting the fix. It makes you feel better for that moment, but like crap after, especially when the contact doesn't go the way you imagined. Then you start wanting the next fix. It's a vicious cycle. No contact is like going cold turkey. It's very hard to deal with being rejected and it sucks to say goodbye to someone you were just making love to the week before. That is brilliant. Thanks -- I've been struggling to not call her today. This paragraph has helped.
magda Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 I think it also has to do with feeling misunderstood. If only they understood us, they'd never treat us this way/break up with us/etc. Each contact is an attempt to make them understand or alter their perception of us in some way. Or to acknowledge their role in how you are behaving. Some people bring out the worst in us and we keep trying to remedy this and change our behavior, but it keeps striking the same nerve and it all just keeps repeating. We don't want someone who has seen us at our worst to walk away with that perception. or maybe that's just my experience.
Betherfly78 Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 I struggled every day not to call my ex when we broke up. Finally it got the best of me and when I did break down to call him. He didnt' answer. Well I knew he was home so I kept calling! I couldnt stop! I blew up his home phone, and his cell phone. Gosh, I wish I could take that back! It made me look like a pathetic loser. I look at it this way. If he is not calling you, it means that he does not want to talk to you. Harsh, but true. So why would you want to talk to him then? The conversation is probably not going to be what you hope it will given these circumstances. Dont call that man! Let him come crawling back to you once he realizes what he is missing out on! Otherwise, he is not worth your time. Move on and find a man who is!
Author Lishy Posted November 13, 2005 Author Posted November 13, 2005 How about NO CONTACT with a guy that you had a casual fling with? Is it the same principle as after a LTR?
kpa Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 I think it also has to do with feeling misunderstood. If only they understood us, they'd never treat us this way/break up with us/etc. Each contact is an attempt to make them understand or alter their perception of us in some way. Or to acknowledge their role in how you are behaving. Some people bring out the worst in us and we keep trying to remedy this and change our behavior, but it keeps striking the same nerve and it all just keeps repeating. We don't want someone who has seen us at our worst to walk away with that perception. or maybe that's just my experience. This is very true as well. I've sent one text message since the day it ended. I wish I wouldn't of sent it -- it was basically me offering excuses for my behavior. Trying to make her understand why I acted a certain way. Like if there was a valid explanation like it would somehow make a difference.
SMHappyface Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 IMO, NC is a time to get over a person - move on, break up. It may be good for those bad relationships you need to get a perspective from or the dumpee in an ended relationship. I believe NC is important if you don't want to date a person, or another person ended the relationship - whether it is a 1 week fling or a 7 year committment. Unless there are other circumstances (like you weren't there for them, or hurt them, etc in which you may want to work on restitution) NC is important to get over them. Forget them, erase them from your cell phone, tear up their pictures, throw out their trinkets - EVERYTHING. A therapeutic way to deal IMO is journaling. I've been doing a lot of this through my breakup with Caleb - write to him on paper when you have an urge to call him - yell, scream, pour your heart out. You will feel better, and you haven't broken the NC. Cheers!
impuls3 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 actually... i think NC is the way to go for a few reasons... firstly, it elimintaes the pain of sitting there and waiting for them to call or text u, secondly, i think it speeds up the healing process because u and ur ex-partner arent playing the "who will crack first" game, so healing can take place much quicker (in my opinion of course) 1
SmoochieFace Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 NC is the rule for me... with one exception: the ex-wife for the sole reason that we have a son together. As far as the others... they are dead to me. I don't give a damn what they are doing, who they are with, or even if they are alive or dead. When it's over, it's over. No looking back.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Why is no contact so hard? Why do we get this strong urge that we find so hard to control to call/text/mail them? Does anyone have really good tips on how to fight those urges? Does anyone else think that if they dont contact their ex that their ex will want them back? Has that ever happened to any of you? Hi, I want to offer a slightly unique take in answer to your questions. No-contact is so hard because, psychologically, we are set up to recognize "positive interaction" with someone as the most rewarding. Next on the list is "negative interaction", and finally "zero interaction". (this is why solitary confinement works so well in prison situations) This is also why people who are pining for their exes would sooner contact them as if to hurt them somehow vs. no contact at all. Nowthen, in a case involving someone and her ex, it makes sense to recognize an "emotional investment" had by each side in the relationship. While the human being we broke up with might have been a scoundrel by definition, that does not reduce the value of our emotional investment in said person. That is why both sides evolve to feel a let-down of a sort after a break-up. Consider the stock market and the idea of putting much of your financial holdings into one particular stock. If you spend $25,000 buying that stock, and then see it drift down to being worth $800, you have two choices: 1. Sell the stock and retrieve the perfectly good $800 2. Retain the stock on the hope that it will rebound As soon as you sell the stock, it is like a break-up no matter whether you lost $24,200 or whether you made $100,000 on it. Retaining the stock is the only hope you have of that investment which you've carefully made with time, evolving to have any significant payoff for you, relative to what you put into it. The non-emotional, intelligent move is of course to cut your losses and at least get the $800 but in doing so you have to live with the fact that your investment has not only failed, but has ended as well. In summary, even if your guy is a terrible person (which you didn't claim at all), you would have an independent investment in him that retains a value of some sort, to you, no matter who he is. You just want the warm and productive feelings of continuing your investment. That is entirely normal!
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 Great reply SincereOnlineGuy! This is also why people who are pining for their exes would sooner contact them as if to hurt them somehow vs. no contact at all. I'll add this on, it also could mean contacting them to have any kind of reaction, remember, negative attention is better than nothing in a situation like that and either way some emotion is going to be felt, feeding the feelings, good or bad.
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 Why is no contact so hard? I'd go with the answers given so far. We're social animals and designed to bond. Particularly with our mates. For thousands of years, those who were this way had a strong survival and reproductive advantage over those who weren't. Does anyone else think that if they dont contact their ex that their ex will want them back? Has that ever happened to any of you? Always. Only the last Juliet has not tried to get me back. And it's early days yet...
Author Lishy Posted November 15, 2005 Author Posted November 15, 2005 Always. Only the last Juliet has not tried to get me back. And it's early days yet... Do you mean ALWAYS try to get back with you or you ALWAYS hope they will? Can you elaborate pls?
Prim&proper Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 I think he means that he always hope they'll come back. I think we always have that hope, until we get over them and then we don't care anymore.
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2005 Posted November 15, 2005 until we get over them and then we don't care anymore. THAT is the key. Caring less, putting yourself first and realizing what he/she thinks and feels really doesn't matter anymore. The less you think of him, the less you'll feel a connection to him...The more time goes by and the busier you keep then one day you'll realize, hey! I don't feel it like I used to and I really am better off without this guy! It just doesn't matter anymore!! The best revenge is to put all that energy into yourself and be happy.
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 17, 2005 Posted November 17, 2005 Do you mean ALWAYS try to get back with you or you ALWAYS hope they will? Can you elaborate pls? Sure. *They* always try. I've never really gone for second chances myself, although I have some close friends for whom they have worked out really well.
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