ojibwaywmn Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 It has been well over a year since I have logged into this user account with LS. Curious as to see which threads I have contributed to and initiated, I am awestruck to say the least of what I have previously written. I first joined LS in the midst of a very sudden and painful breakup (if you are interested, click onto my username and look up at subscribed threads) back in 2003. My previous ex left me to reunite with his other ex and their two children without a word to me. Throughout the months after he left in May 2003, I cried, analysed, berated, etc about what happened. I also continually tortured myself by keeping tabs of his online activity and hanging onto old emails we exchanged. In the Fall of that year (4.5 months after he left), he called out of the blue and I allowed him to re-initiate contact which only caused me pain once again. I was naive to believe that he came back to re-establish a relationship. I was still in love with him and thought it was the start of a new beginning. NOT!! He moved his ex and their kids back in with him, again without saying a word to me. The grieving process had to be started once again. In November 2004, I became involved again with someone I thought was "The One". Him and I had alot more in common. We shared the same values, backgrounds, outlook, etc. His five year old son and family loved and accepted me immediately. Needless to say, our relationship progressed quickly. Within 1.5 months of the relationship, I was living with him. We both had high hopes for our future and spent all of our time together. In August 2005, our relationship started to deteriorate quickly. We were both going through personal issues. I had family problems and he was emotionally withdrawing. Just when I needed someone to help me get through my family problems, he stated that he needed to be on his own for awhile. He felt we were smothering each other, I was devastated. He was becoming emotionally and mentally abusive, so I left before it grew worse. When I look back now, we had a codependent relationship. I moved out of our apartment mid-September and have been dealing with the break-up since. I found myself repeating the same habits that I developed from my last break-up ie. keeping tabs on his online activity, etc. I was very hurt to see that my current ex was logging into dating sites that we both have accounts on. I felt that if he wanted time alone in order to date others, he should have been straight up with me. My current ex also has a 10 year prescription drug habit which wasn't revealed to me until three months into the relationship. Overall, my ex proved to be someone who looks good on the outside, but messed up inside. Once I read my old threads from two years back, I realized that I did not learn one damn thing from my previous break-up, even though at the time I said I did. I repeated the same pattern and said the same things from these last two relationships. I also learned that I need to stop checking their online activities as it only increases the pain, especially if I see they are talking to a new love interest. It has been over a month since I actually looked at any websites that my current ex is a subscriber to. I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO THERE ANYMORE. Rather than hang on to love emails, photos, files, chat logs, I went through my email account and laptop and deleted everything. I even blocked and removed my ex from my MSN Messenger. I am not sure if he is aware of it, but he still has me on his.....I find that so strange. Especially after he was the one who wanted space and looking to hook up already. I hung onto my previous ex on my Messenger for months after the break-up. I only took him off after he did. Knowing that I recovered from that break-up two years ago, and have gone through the same thing...this time around I have more hope. Sure I still hurt, cry, get angry, wonder about him, as I am grieving this last relationship....reading my old posts have reminded that better times lay ahead. This is my chance to eat the words I have written two years ago, that I HAVE TRULY LEARNED for my next relationship. I am more aware of my relationship and behavioural patterns. This time around, I attend weekly counselling sessions, participate in CODA, Al-Anon, and Relationship Recovery meetings. I am also seeking a better relationship with God which has been interesting. One important step that needs to be conquered for myself is obsessive thinking. I find myself continually checking to see if my ex still has me on his MSN Messenger and wonder why he hasn't taken me off. There are times when I have to say to myself out loud "STOP. DON'T EVEN GO THERE". I am proud that I haven't looked at his online profiles or check to see when was the last time he logged in, etc. My reason for posting this was despite all the tears, heartache, continually questioning everything....you do eventually get past it. Finding these old posts have brought a different awareness to myself. Even though a relationship is gone and you are no longer in someone's everyday life, you are still here. I also learned that after some time has passed, your ex will show up again. It is how you handle it and what your expectations are that matters. Go by their actions, not their words. If my current ex decides to show up in my life again (which I am sure he will), I will remind myself of what it felt the last time I was taken for a ride. PS. Today, I went with my sister house hunting and we drove by my former neighbourhood, I saw my ex's vehicle parked out front of the apartment block and my heart was beating fast. It made me sad and angry knowing that just a short time ago, I was living there with him. I DEFINITELY know I am not ready for any face-to-face contact with him at this time. That is going to take more time.
Kengne Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Thank you for posting. I think your post reminds us all that we DO get a second chance after a break-up -> a second chance at love, whether it be with someone NEW or with an EX. And the pain we go through... is finite. It has an end, and it DOES fade w time. How much time differs from person to person, and break-up to break-up -> but the point is it DOES fade away. We heal, and our hearts are open to others. K.
Pyro Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Break-ups are indeed a learning experience. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for what I learned in past experiences. I am able to cope with a break-up wih ease. I understand that they can happen and that life is not over when a break-up occur's and that you need to keep moving on. They help me realize what I want and don't want from a mate and they show me what flaws that I may have and what can use improvement.
chocolate_boy Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Break-ups are indeed a learning experience. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for what I learned in past experiences. I am able to cope with a break-up wih ease. I understand that they can happen and that life is not over when a break-up occur's and that you need to keep moving on. They help me realize what I want and don't want from a mate and they show me what flaws that I may have and what can use improvement. Wow, you cope with break-ups with ease?! How many have you been through, I've been through 5 since 1998 and they don't seem to get any easier each time!
brittanyjean259 Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 i think this does give us all hope, but i would have never imagined my 2 1/2 year relationship would end...and in such a disaster...i want a second chance to be with another love.......but its hard to even think about that now.......since i know i will be grieving for a while over my ehhh hate to say it ex,,,who was once...my babe"....... going through your first one, is quite painful....because i just never would have thought in a milllllllion years it would have ended.....but i guesss we heal and find new loves
chocolate_boy Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 i think this does give us all hope, but i would have never imagined my 2 1/2 year relationship would end...and in such a disaster...i want a second chance to be with another love.......but its hard to even think about that now.......since i know i will be grieving for a while over my ehhh hate to say it ex,,,who was once...my babe"....... going through your first one, is quite painful....because i just never would have thought in a milllllllion years it would have ended.....but i guesss we heal and find new loves I know but without sounding cynical, I really think next time I get with a girl, I will always look at her when we're having fun and enjoying each other... "I'll probably hate you a year from now"... I look around and see happy couples and think that. Sad cos its true... when you're with your partner and all in love you never think it can be like it is now, when you're virtual strangers and don't even say hi when you see each other in the street... damn i'm depressing lol
SMHappyface Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think every relationship that ends has its pros and cons - you are wiser, but you are also tougher. My fiance who I've been with for almost 3 years cheated on me with his sorta step mother's daughter. This is the second relationship that has ended due to cheating in a ROW for me. The last was a 1 yr relationship and the girl he met on the internet. Things like this make you caloused. You start to not care, which may be difficult in a new relationship. I can understand - I'm totally cynical - Caleb really put on a good show, if a man I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt would NEVER hurt me, why the f***k did this happen? Makes you lose faith in all of mankind. I'll think twice about the next guy, but perhaps I won't be so quick to get hurt again. Good and bad I guess.
brittanyjean259 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 "I'll probably hate you a year from now"... I look around and see happy couples and think that. Sad cos its true... when you're with your partner and all in love you never think it can be like it is now, when you're virtual strangers and don't even say hi when you see each other in the street... damn i'm depressing lol "sad but true"... its sad to think of things like that, but alteast you can be more aware in your next relationship( now i know nothing lasts forever, i thought it did...because this is the first hurt --).......
brittanyjean259 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 is it ment to hurt this much.....:-/
niko1999 Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 I agree. that is the most important thing in a break up. Something you dont usually figure out until AFTER the hurt and pain. Between learning not only from the break up , but from the relationship itself. I learned SO much from my last relationship, and the break up with it. We're still friends too, which is great, becuase there is no on in this world who knows me as well as I know him. Im currently dating a new guy(just about four months) and he is great. But at the same time,becuase of my last relationship, I am treading with cautin. Not too much, but just enough. On the bright side of things(made me smile inside, though I showed no outward reaction), the new beau was on the phone today, and refered to me as "the wife". It was kind of funny. Nice little things like that make you realize you have a good relationship, even wihout rushing thigns. BUt youre right. It will take time and though you say you learned nothing from the past two breakups, clearly you did. YOu learned that you learned nothing:p JK
Pyro Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Wow, you cope with break-ups with ease?! How many have you been through, I've been through 5 since 1998 and they don't seem to get any easier each time! I have only had to go through two and they were both since 2002. Now don't get me wrong, i do have my bad days, but at the same time, I am well aware that everything happens for a reason and it just wasn't meant to last. So instead of feeling down, I keep my head up and I realize that tomorrow is a new day.
Author ojibwaywmn Posted November 14, 2005 Author Posted November 14, 2005 As I am going through this current break-up, and some of the feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger etc start to rise up, I now remind myself that I felt and thought the exact same things two years ago. At that time I thought I would never find someone again, that I would never stop wanting him back, but I did. Coming across my previous posts was a wake-up call, that this time around, I can handle this one differently. I don't have to continually drag myself in misery. I will get pass this stage, things will get better. It's true that time heals wounds, but it also depends on how you recover.
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