True tale about improbable online friendship, real-life meeting, &how much it matters

[SincereOnlineGuy]

A good read for those who are unsure about meeting people from online.

 

Many years ago I struck up a chatroom conversation with a 17-year-old girl who is many years younger than I am. She, through the powers of internet anonymity, was remarkably comfortable being honest about the insecurities of a teenage girl. She's the classmate you remember as being quite attractive to the eye and seeming to have everything going for her socially while still not seeming to have a boyfriend. Don't mean to imply that anybody should be defined on the basis of having a mate, but rather that she's the person about whom you thought: "gee, if she doesn't even have someone, then how confident can I be about finding mister right?"

 

Despite my relative maturity (hah!) I remained drawn to how completely forthright she had sounded on the topic of her shyness around the guys in her school. It soothed my own mind in a way to know that someone so eligible and sincere knew her own internal struggles just like I do. As remains so much of the draw to many internet conversations, this was a case of a female, regardless of age, showing more of her personal fiber than my mind had expected.

 

Let me add that to this day we have never conversed in any detail on subjects that most would label as "dirty" or "naughty". (and that my work has allowed me to give her indisputable *proof* at different times that the identity behind the words matched the name I had given her)

 

At the time of that first online encounter back in the late 1990's we lived about 1200 miles apart and I wasn't at all interested back then in actually meeting this young woman. Time has allowed that she was awarded an athletic scholarship to a university far from her home and much farther from my home as well. She set out upon this college journey as a freshman still not yet eighteen years of age and we kept in touch to some extent via e-mails whenever possible.

 

Her college years took shape quite nicely as her social shyness was offset somewhat by the fact that she was prooooooobably the best natural athlete on her team. My online friend was quite at-home when playing sports and even her tentative personality knew it. She was confident there.

 

During a vacation I took some months into her first year at school I was keenly aware that if willing to sacrifice time and several hundred miles of round-trip car travel, I could show up at one of her scheduled NCAA athletic events to see her perform for the first time. I had some mixed feelings about doing this, because I didn't want to impact her performance in any way. At that time it was still easy for me to turn up and sit in the stands and watch with it being impossible that I'd be recognized. So I made that journey over hundreds of miles just to watch her NCAA event. I felt somewhat giddy just to be there, and just to know what a value I had placed on this genuine person. She really did take-on a different vibe when playing sports and her poise and confidence out there really piqued my brain as I contrasted what I saw with what I'd been reading of her own words for over a year.

 

I left that area without a trace and resumed my vacation and only later did I announce that I had indeed gone to watch her perform.

 

Time went by and she entered into a relationship at school where on occasion she needed a confidence boost or some encouragement about the week-to-week "relating" aspect of that. It was somewhat priceless that she could confide in me fairly easily for still enjoying the benefits of reasonable anonymity. At times our e-mail exchanges on the topic of her relationship were quite voluminous and during this time period it appeared that those e-mails were more important than ever.

 

Her sophomore year and then her junior year ticked away with many e-mails traded back and forth and late in the summer after that junior year I reminded myself that if I didn't make a long trip to see my young friend perform again, that I'd never get another chance. So with that I began to plot in secret about what might be the most ideal time for a vacation that might include a trip to watch her again. At one point I did ask her "what would you think if I came to watch you later this year?" and because the subject wasn't addressed directly and immediately on her side, I later opted to be on the safe side and not announce my return intentions. Since I could always tell her I was coming, and could never UN-tell her, I felt it safest not to say a thing.

 

So the calendar ticked away and my plans firmed up, and I had myself scheduled to make it to her school's campus for the first time ever. I looked forward to the day of my flight, and coincidentally her mother (with whom I had been communicating online for almost as long, although not nearly as frequently) landed on my messenger service the night before just to catch-up with me and my life. I couldn't tell her a word of my intentions for then she might taint the pressure-less environment that I came to see as being best for my last visit to see her perform.

 

I did make a point of writing a postcard to her mother as I sat in the stands watching the performance. It began: "Oops, did I forget to tell you something? ________ is nice this time of year, wishing you were here!"

 

Having gone to that last performance and making it so important to myself later became one of the happiest decisions I'd made in some time. My friend had an exceptional performance that day and I happened to have been fortunate enough to have taken a photo at the precise moment of its pinnacle. The photo promised to be so good that the next day I rushed to a One-hour photo place that I'd spotted nearby in order to have a copy to send to her mother back home.

 

My young friend's college athletic career came to an end soon after that, but the whole experience was obviously enriching and of considerable benefit to her. Title IX really works for young adult women!!

 

Then her life was filled with getting an undergrad degree, and then a post-grad degree with training toward a specific field. Now, as my long-time friend nears the age of 25, she is well-placed in her career field of choice and seeming to thrive while still located in the area of her former university.

 

During the summer of 2004 I planned a weekend trip that would have me spending time with a male friend mere miles from where this much-younger, long-time internet friend would be. I gave her all of my contact info and invited her to spend a day with me at a very public, very crowded venue. I couldn't be in internet contact with her while on my trip, so the burden to contact me was on her depending upon whether she wished to or not. Later she spoke of having "chickened out".

 

So very recently (October, 2005) came another very suitable opportunity for us to meet. For this one I was more direct in extending the invitation months earlier and discussing the opportunity, the venue and arrangements all ahead of time. She offered at one point that if I would secure a third ticket (for one of her friends, to help make things more comfortable) to the venue that she "would commit this time, and not chicken out".

 

After some pulling of strings I was able to find a way that three of us could sit together and with that my intensity for the upcoming day in question grew tremendously. I continued to update her on the little things and assured her that my priorities were for a very comfortable and smooth day out and about.

 

The arrangement evolved to be that we would meet for breakfast at 10:00am where we could have some time for just talking and getting a more real sense of one another and then spending the afternoon at our venue of choice. Upon my arrival at the restaurant parking lot, I got out of the car and was quickly greeted by an enthusiastic "hi", which turned out to be from the friend who had been deputized to keep the day smooth. Once I noticed the silhouette of someone else in the car she had just exited, I understood for sure that this was my party.

 

There was very little adjustment to real life needed, and at breakfast I brought out souvenirs from my home town and other related trinkets to offer. The day went remarkably smoothly and I can almost relive vividly in my mind every comfortable moment. I chose a venue that often demanded our attention but which allowed for lots of time to converse about many other things. The conversations never got too deep or uncomfortably personal and the extra friend was there just to make every little corner smoother to pass.

 

Later in the evening I offered to take my two friends (one old and one new) to dinner, and encouraged them to phone others who might want to join us, and we had a remarkably great time which lasted until midnight.

 

I apologize about the length of this offering, but I wanted to give others the inspiration they might be able to gain from about how online-begun friendships (and romances) can have unique and wonderful qualities which really do set them aside from friendships begun in aisle 7 at the grocery store. I'd say that most of those who scoff at online friendships and romances just aren't willing at the time to acknowledge or understand the uniquenesses which pave the way for even the shy among us to simply invest some of ourselves in another person before feeling the inner rewards which come from that investment.

 

I would contend that we're each more tolerant of others, and about the small flaws and insecurities that we all exhibit, as the result of online friendships and relationships allowed to blossom over time. Because we get to approach others when they feel safe in their own homes, and behind those end-all "log-off" commands, we can draw them out in ways that are very hard to duplicate in offline life. After another person "invests" so much of him/her self on the online table, they tend to feel a connection with the person chosen to listen to all of that. With time it becomes remarkably easy to just add a name and telephone number to the mix, and when those first real-life meetings do come to pass, both sides are armed with a unique familiarity with the "pawns" in the life of the other and those make for easy conversation.

 

Many times I have read about internet romances turned disasterous or scary or uncomfortable. In some ways it remains impossible to weed-out the bad guys with evil intent, but I would suggest mere TIME as a factor which can greatly reduce concerns that way. If someone is in a rush to meet you - forget it! Almost nothing good can come of a situation where a man is overly eager to see you in real life.

 

Time is your ally and your friend, and any guy worth waiting 3 weeks for would wait 3 months to meet you. Some of the more noteworthy online romantic successes result from the mere distance between internet acquaintances. That distance almost mandates that you let considerable time pass before meeting someone from the internet. In this day and age there are so many online dating sites, and so many geography-based chatrooms that there will always be some eager guy who will think it natural that you should want to rush right out and meet in public just because you stop at the same coffee shop twice each week.

 

The greatest reason you don't want to take those hastily-offered invitations to meet in public is not your safety. Instead the biggest reason for not meeting like that is that you'd still run the risk of getting there, and encountering a socially stunted person who just doesn't have anything engaging to offer in the way of conversation. It has been my experience that the whole trick to moving internet friendships to real life involves the fact that each side knows the details about the life of the other which make for the best conversation.

 

If you prefer to believe in "soulmates", then by all means, show up at that coffee shop and meet that person and perhaps fate will divine them to leap into enjoyable conversation one hour and 45 minutes after you first interacted in a chatroom. If instead you would rather effect your own social success and path no matter how affected by shyness you are or feel, then let those online friendships develop with TIME before agreeing to meet anyone in real life.

 

I wish to stress here that there was no romantic overtone to the first in-person meeting that I shared with my young internet acquaintance of more than seven years, so I am not someone now sitting at home and giddy with romance, just taking this opportunity to squeal toward someone. I have met maybe eight or ten women from the internet and almost every one of them was an eye-opening and comfortable success, with no "horror stories" for me.

 

Perhaps this doesn't address anything specific, but I hope to introduce added hope, confidence and ideas to some who are more new to the ways of the internet meeting the ways of the human mind. In no way do I mean that one need wait years before meeting a person from the internet. At one point I chatted intently with a woman for three weeks and then met in real life, sitting down with her and not once getting up during the next six hours! We dated for eight months.

 

Hope this can help someone feel better about the near future.

[Outcast]

If someone is in a rush to meet you - forget it!

 

Not exactly sure what you mean by 'rush' since you yourself say you've met after three weeks.

 

The reason people want to meet Internet companions in person is to get a sense of the real human. You and the girl are both lucky that you were honest, but I have read of cases where people communicated for several years and it was precisely the distance which allowed them to continue a pattern of lies and deception.

 

There's nothing good at all about wasting several years' worth of correspondence on some liar.

 

Instead the biggest reason for not meeting like that is that you'd still run the risk of getting there, and encountering a socially stunted person who just doesn't have anything engaging to offer in the way of conversation.

 

If you aren't able to communicate easily when you meet someone that you've been writing to then it doesn't bode that well for the future of the relationship IMHO.

[einahpets]

it is a great story and it is nice that the two of you have found such close friends in each other over the past few years.

 

that said, your story also goes to show just how much innocence has been lost over the past decade. as for teenagers, dare i say most of us see the internet as a place full of predators. you never said how much older you were than her. and at that time it was nice that she had and older friend to give her some perspective on her life. these days alarm bells would be going off left and right. though there were no sexual dialog in the conversations, i am sure her mother would have been yanking her internet connection, not developing a friendship with you.

 

*sigh* i can only imagine how much things will change within the next decade. sorry, i am a very bitter woman this morning.

[Hot Coco]

Not exactly sure what you mean by 'rush' since you yourself say you've met after three weeks.

 

The reason people want to meet Internet companions in person is to get a sense of the real human. You and the girl are both lucky that you were honest, but I have read of cases where people communicated for several years and it was precisely the distance which allowed them to continue a pattern of lies and deception.

 

There's nothing good at all about wasting several years' worth of correspondence on some liar.

 

 

 

If you aren't able to communicate easily when you meet someone that you've been writing to then it doesn't bode that well for the future of the relationship IMHO.

 

Go back and re-read. You misunderstood.

[Outcast]

I didn't misunderstand thing one. But thanks for your time and concern.

[Hot Coco]

I didn't misunderstand thing one. But thanks for your time and concern.

 

No, really. Your statement reveals that you did. Read it again. Oh...and you're very welcome.

[Outcast]

No the problem is that you mistunderstood what I wrote for a change

 

Now quit hijacking this person's thread.

[Hot Coco]

Can't stop laughing! Jeeezzz...I'm not even going to try to explain it. Perhaps the OP can.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

it is a great story and it is nice that the two of you have found such close friends in each other over the past few years.

 

that said, your story also goes to show just how much innocence has been lost over the past decade. as for teenagers, dare i say most of us see the internet as a place full of predators. you never said how much older you were than her. and at that time it was nice that she had and older friend to give her some perspective on her life. these days alarm bells would be going off left and right. though there were no sexual dialog in the conversations, i am sure her mother would have been yanking her internet connection, not developing a friendship with you.

 

*sigh* i can only imagine how much things will change within the next decade. sorry, i am a very bitter woman this morning.

 

 

Hi, wanting to add some clarity:

 

I am indeed considerably older than she is.

 

Also, it seems quite noteworthy that the girl's mother was a regular participant in the same chatroom. There was never anything beyond innocent interaction, let alone covert planning, in our interactions, and I had (still have) an online rapport with her mother as well.

 

 

On the other topic here, yes, no question that "Outcast" misunderstood the context of something I wrote. It is clear when you read it in context, and completely lost on everyone when butchered that way.

 

Ahhhhh well.

 

In summary, I just want to inspire everyone to gain a sense that there can be some amazing internal rewards from online origins. Of course those are more easily attained by those who have not previously been burned significantly. I think mere time is the best indication that both sides are giving enough in order to gain some rewards from the interaction.

 

Perhaps those who gain most from my long entry are those who wouldn't be inspired to respond in print. Some land here wanting added confidence for something new and online in their lives. I just wanted to help with that!

[Hot Coco]

And you did it very eloquently I might add. Many good insights in your post. I have a friend who will indeed benefit from your wisdom and I will direct her here.

 

Thanks for taking the time to tell your story.

[Outcast]

I understood everything you wrote. And I disagreed with some of it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Instead the biggest reason for not meeting like that is that you'd still run the risk of getting there, and encountering a socially stunted person who just doesn't have anything engaging to offer in the way of conversation.

 

 

 

If you aren't able to communicate easily when you meet someone that you've been writing to then it doesn't bode that well for the future of the relationship IMHO.

 

 

Dude, your own posts confirm without any reasonable doubt that you simply did not understand the context.

 

For the statement I made above relates only to people who just met in a chatroom a few minutes or hours ago, and not to anybody who was "writing to" anyone.

 

C'mon, the evidence is there from your own pen, and if you couldn't figure something out, you had every opportunity to read it and re-read it until it fell into context. But to deny it repeatedly just gives everyone else another laugh at your expense.

[Hot Coco]

Exactly. That's just what I thought as well.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hey, it's New Year's Eve, and I thought I'd bump this once-told story near to the top for anyone out there who is presently contemplating an online friendship or relationship.

 

Happy New Year!

[Touche]

Happy New Year to you too! Any word from your friend?

[Outcast]

For the statement I made above relates only to people who just met in a chatroom a few minutes or hours ago, and not to anybody who was "writing to" anyone.

 

I hadn't seen this before. But you're still wrong.

 

C'mon, the evidence is there from your own pen, and if you couldn't figure something out, you had every opportunity to read it and re-read it until it fell into context. But to deny it repeatedly just gives everyone else another laugh at your expense.

 

No 'evidence'. Just 'opinion'. But you're welcome to it. I still don't share it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Outcast,

 

must you continue to troll this and other online bulletin boards while failing to admit not having read things more carefully?

 

Yet again, your own words serve as evidence, and not just your opinion, that you were unaware.

 

The rest of us already knew that you "hadn't seen (that) before", which was my point, and the point of at least one other counter-troll present in this thread.

 

What is obvious to most, quite clearly, can catch others such as yourself completely unaware.

 

Please go and troll elsewhere now.

 

Nobody enjoys reading troll scrawl.

 

A new year has begun. Perhaps so too should your heightened efforts at reading comprehension.

 

The rest of us shall resolve to counter all trolls on Loveshack.org !!!!

[Outcast]

Buddy, you're way out of line. That I disagree with you does not make me a troll. The fact is, like it or not, that you can communicate for YEARS with someone at a distance and find someone else entirely when you meet.

 

Like it or lump it, that's life.

[whichwayisup]

It's still a nice story about online friendship. A good read.

[Touche]

Outcast,

 

must you continue to troll this and other online bulletin boards while failing to admit not having read things more carefully?

 

Yet again, your own words serve as evidence, and not just your opinion, that you were unaware.

 

The rest of us already knew that you "hadn't seen (that) before", which was my point, and the point of at least one other counter-troll present in this thread.

 

What is obvious to most, quite clearly, can catch others such as yourself completely unaware.

 

Please go and troll elsewhere now.

 

Nobody enjoys reading troll scrawl.

 

A new year has begun. Perhaps so too should your heightened efforts at reading comprehension.

 

The rest of us shall resolve to counter all trolls on Loveshack.org !!!!

 

I'm right there with you!! Agree 100%!

[Outcast]

Sad that some folks just never learn lessons.

[Touche]

Buddy, you're way out of line. That I disagree with you does not make me a troll. The fact is, like it or not, that you can communicate for YEARS with someone at a distance and find someone else entirely when you meet.

 

Like it or lump it, that's life.

 

And you can also know someone for YEARS in your everyday life...yes, even a spouse, and not know who they really are either. And your point is....

[Touche]

Sad that some folks just never learn lessons.

 

Ok, I'll be good Ms. Moderator if you promise too. Deal?

 

Uh...by the way, was that a threat? Because I'm very, very frightened!

[Outcast]

The point is that I made that statement and the OP lost his mind and started slanging me for it. So now you'll get it too. Still want to join him in beating up on me?????

 

I disagreed with his contention that wanting to meet someone you've met online soon is some big scary danger signal and said it's usually a good thing to do to suss out the individual and get a sense of the person in person - and this, somehow, has earned me the abuse of you two.

[Touche]

The point is that I made that statement and the OP lost his mind and started slanging me for it. So now you'll get it too. Still want to join him in beating up on me?????

 

This is hilarious! I can't stop laughing...we'll "get it?" You're going to put your hit men on us? What are you talking about?

 

I'm not beating up on you anyway...not anymore anyway than you are on others.

 

Are you through now?