two men, one BIG problem!!

[still_dreaming99]

Hey all – I really need some advice! I have (1) a failing relationship, (2) a friend who may want more, and (3) I am really in danger of being that woman who is filled with regret or that woman who cheats on her boyfriend. What to do?

 

Here’s the story:

 

I’ve been in a relationship with Dan for 2.5 yrs now. Its been pretty good - he moved in with me last year for about 9 months – about 6 months into it we almost broke up b/c I realized that while I was interested in getting enagaged in another year or so, he didn’t really think down that path yet and wanted to go live abroad for 3 years. Since I am in the middle of grad school there is no way I would move with him. He decided to live abroad for just 1 year instead of 3, and we stayed together. Things were pretty good from then on, but I didn’t feel the same confidence about Dan being “the one.” Flashforward to this September, when Dan moved off to Spain for a year. When he first arrived, Dan had a really hard time and we talked a lot.

 

The last month or two I haven’t been feeling the same though. Part of me always wanted more out of our relationship. Dan is really smart, he isn’t jealous or possessive, he is open-minded, and funny, but he never liked hanging out with my friends and he never really liked “sharing” feelings or doing little things like getting me a birthday gift (3 birthdays – still no gift!!). But I love him, so I figure it’s a trade off.

 

Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of numb about the whole thing, partly afraid of commitment, or maybe not ready for this level of commitment, I don’t know. The thing is, he is so dependent on me – outside of his family, I am pretty much his world. (Which is ironic, considering that he is so private that he tells very few people that he has a girlfriend!) Since he has been gone I’ve been a little lonely, but I have also been able to go out with my friends and build new relationships, something that I really couldn’t do when Dan lived with me. I work part-time and am doing a grad degree, I have very little free time, so we don’t talk as much as we used to, I also find myself putting off responding to his emails b/c I feel guilty about these feeling that i have. But since I have become more distant, he has started being more affectionate, writing nice things and stuff that he never used to. I don’t know what to do about these feelings -- I feel really torn about whether or not to continue the relationship. There is no good reason for me to break up with him, and I don’t want to hurt him.

 

BUT it gets messier. So, I have a friend here, Man #2, aka Steve, who I met at my summer job a few months after I had starting dating Dan. We got along great, and stayed in touch for the past few years, I would always help him out with girl problems.. Last spring, he moved back to NYC and we hung out a few times. Since Dan has left, I go out with Steve & his friends about once a week. Steve and I have always been super-comfortable with each other, and he is a touchy-feely kind of guy. He is also a complete serial “friends-with-benefits” type (not with me!) so its really hard to tell where his head is. I would like to pretend that I don’t have feelings for him, but I really do no matter how much I try to hide them. We’ve talked in general about cheating, and I know that neither he nor I would ever cheat or help someone cheat. BUT we have been very friendly lately – we have never kissed but I’ve been staying over at his place some weekends (but he told me that he wasn’t inviting me over to have sex or anything). The thing is, I can’t tell what he feels for me. Sometimes, especially around my friends, he is very touchy-feely, wanting to rub my back or my leg – the problem is that he is like this with other people too – not all of his other girlfriends, but some. The thing is, he is hot and cold. He may start out the evening being all huggy, but sometimes gets stand-offish at the end of the night or if some woman he thinks is hot is around. He won’t always respond to my emails, but when we go out, I always catch him staring at me. He told me I was beautiful the other day, but then not an hour later, he started telling me about a woman that he was thinking might want to hook up with him later that night. The thing is, a week before, he randomly called me up and told me that he had been out with 3 women that weekend, but decided not sleep with any of them, and wanted to try talking with people and getting to know them before just having sex all of the time. I don’t know if he is trying to tell me he likes me, or if he just sees me as a cuddly platonic replacement.

 

So, my head is just a mess. I don’t want to become someone who cheats on her boyfriend, but I am also scared that I may be letting other opportunities pass me by. I want to tell Steve how I feel, but I can’t tell how he feels about me, and I won't tell him if I stay with Dan. I don’t want to be just friends-with-benefits with him and I don’t want to ruin our beautiful friendship. Should I stick it out with Dan? He comes back to the US in May, and he is such a good person…. How do you break up with someone where there really isn’t anything so terribly wrong to point to? How do you tell a good friend that you have really strong feelings for them. I hate it that I have a boyfriend, but all I want to do is just kiss this other man.

 

Help! (Please:D ) Any advice would be so awesome – I don’t know what do, but I know I have to do something soon – I can’t focus on anything else….

 

Thank you so much

[Hot Coco]

Ok, I'm curious about one thing though. Did you have an agreement of exclusivity with Dan?

[Hot Coco]

Just curious about something. You say you love him. You also said that you couldn't go out with your friends when he was there. You go on to say that your his world yet he never gave you a birthday present? Are you sure he loves you?

[still_dreaming99]

Hey - thanks for reading .

Yup we are exclusive. And he has his own way of showing love... he is very reserved. Its not necessarily behavior that would be unique to his relationship with me, I think that kind of behavior is just consistent with his personality - very reserved. He has his own way of showing his feelings, which i guess sometimes is not enough. But its tough - he sent me a (albiet 3 line) love letter the other day. Go figure. Boys...

 

And we just spoke... it was awkward...

[Hot Coco]

You're welcome;)

 

Ok, you say you are exclusive. Do you have a verbal agreement on this or is it just a tacit understanding? I guess it's not clear what the nature of your agreement of exclusivity is and I think that's important. Are you sure he's not dating over there?

 

So why/how was it awkward when you spoke?

[still_dreaming99]

well, we've been exclusive for about 2 years. Neither of us are really casual daters. I'd say that we're in one of those "serious" dating relationships. And he really genuinely cares about me, and me him, but I miss having that spark of something extraordinary. But I guess that spark eventually goes away with all relationships -- does it?

[still_dreaming99]

oh, and when we spoke we started fighting about this stupid story he was telling me. It was pointless, but we didn't really have anything else to say after that. I think he is upset that I don't write as many emails as he does and that I'm not visiting him over X-Mas (I can't afford to fly to Spain - I'm a grad student... not so far away from living in a box !) but he won't say all that stuff

[Hot Coco]

well, we've been exclusive for about 2 years. Neither of us are really casual daters. I'd say that we're in one of those "serious" dating relationships. And he really genuinely cares about me, and me him, but I miss having that spark of something extraordinary. But I guess that spark eventually goes away with all relationships -- does it?

 

Ok, but just because you've BEEN exclusive doesn't necessarily mean you still are. I mean he'll be gone a long time. It's natural for you to want to explore relationships with other people. I'm assuming you're still in your 20's right? And as you said it's a "serious dating relationship." NOT an engagement and NOT a marriage.

 

As far as the "spark", yeah it kind of goes away but then it turns into a deeper kind of love. A love that is more secure and sure if that makes sense.

[Hot Coco]

oh, and when we spoke we started fighting about this stupid story he was telling me. It was pointless, but we didn't really have anything else to say after that. I think he is upset that I don't write as many emails as he does and that I'm not visiting him over X-Mas (I can't afford to fly to Spain - I'm a grad student... not so far away from living in a box !) but he won't say all that stuff

 

If you're not emailing him as much there's a reason. You should go with your gut and explore this other relationship. And you know, it's not cheating if you are honest and tell him about it. Just tell him you think that while you're apart it's ok to date and if you still want to be together when he gets back then you can. That sounds reasonable and fair and wouldn't be "cheating." Maybe he wants to do the same. You really don't know unless you come right out and ask him.

[still_dreaming99]

you do have a really good point. But the thing is I have no clue how to bring it up with him. I mean he is going to see that as breaking up... and I feel like I will date but he won't. I sound so whiny - thanks for your patience

[country gal]

It sounds to me like you and Dan are really lacking in the communication area of your relationship. I know I tend to believe that you can never be truly intimate wiht someone if you cant openly communicate with each other. Relatoinships require more than just "love", are you sure your needs are getting met? (and what are those needs?)

 

On another note, a friend of mine has this theory about relationships.... she says htat everyone has a set of "boxes" that they need filled in order for that person to be happy. These can be like "adventure" "intimacy" "sensuality" "sense of humor" and so on. We will never find a person to fill all of these for us and so when one (or more) are not being filled by the person we are with, it is easy to fall for someone else who has what hte other person lacks (even tho they may not be able to fulfill you in any other way). In other words, figure out what it is that you need, where Dan is going wrong, and where man #2 is fulfilling you and work from there. I hope that makes sense!

[Hot Coco]

you do have a really good point. But the thing is I have no clue how to bring it up with him. I mean he is going to see that as breaking up... and I feel like I will date but he won't. I sound so whiny - thanks for your patience

 

Country girl made some excellent points. Certainly worth thinking about those unmet needs because you wouldn't even be feeling this much for this other guy if your b/f was meeting some basic needs for you.

 

And you MUST, MUST bring it up with him, Dreaming. Otherwise you are not going to solve your dilemma. All problems have a solution...that's yours.

 

And you know, as closed off emotionally as he sounds I don't know how you can be certain about the fact that he won't date. You have absolutely nothing to lose by bringing it up. If he goes for it great and if he doesn't what's the WORSE thing that can happen.

 

I learned that from someone a long time ago. Think about the WORST thing that can happen by you bringing that up. Scenario number one he says "Great, that's cool. We'll see if we still want to date when I get back. It will be a true test of our relationship."

 

Scenario number two he'll say: "No way. What were you thinking! If you do that consider us over."

 

Don't you agree that those are the only two possible reactions?

 

Number one is great. If it's number two then you then have to decide to go ahead anyway or to tell him that no, you'll remain exclusive.

 

So like I say, you have nothing really to lose by even bringing it up. Don't be a shrinking violet, be a woman!

 

(Oh, god I sound like my own mother!)

[still_dreaming99]

Country Gal - Thanks! I like your idea about the boxes, strangely enough, the more I think about it the more sense it makes. I think my problem is that Dan fills a few of those boxes so well that I am afraid I won't find someone else like him, but too many boxes are still not filled by the relationship.

 

Hot Cocco -- the end of your post made me laugh - its scary when you have one of those moments . And you're right. I just need to suck it up and have the conversation and be an adult about it. It just sucks to have to do it over the phone and I don't know if I'm ready yet. I'm giving myself a deadline - by thanksgiving, i have to force some communication about what is going between Dan and I. It will take a lot of courage to do it... stepping out into the unknown kind of blows... espeically when you have other boys running around and messing with your head (that would be guy #2 ).

 

Thanks for the support all. So, hypothetically, if I do decide to have that talk with Dan, do you think I have chance with the 2nd guy? His behavior leaves me really confused. Its pretty ironic - I'm intelligent, in grad school, yet when it comes to dating I am absolutely clueless and cannot read 'signals' for my life.

[downcydeguy]

I've never been to Spain and I hate it already! (My g/f of 2 1/2 years moved there in Aug. for a 4 month study program - dumped me 2 months in)

 

Anyway, I think that if you WERE in love with Dan, you're NOT now. Even if he had never left, I believe he was lacking the complete package that would be necessary for your happiness. You would have ended it eventually anyway. His departure sped up the process a little. You need to be open and honest with him NOW - not later. Tell him that you've lost the desire for him and are wanting to explore other options. It completely sucks to do it over the phone from a 1000 miles away (trust me, I'll be hurt for a long time because of it), but it sounds like you have no other options at this point.

 

Now with this other guy, I don't think you're gonna find anything too serious there. You share the physical desire to hook up with each other, but that's it. You said it yourself - he's a player. Don't believe his nonsense about "wanting to get to know girls first". He's realized that he's got you practically in the sack already so he's trying to seal the deal. If you cherish his friendship, you have one heck of a choice to make. Cuz if you hook up with him, the friendship is over.

[still_dreaming99]

yeah - i like the way you put it. being blunt is good - and I'm sorry about your bad experience with Spain. I'm not such a fan of it now either - and I spent years learning the darn language. To be honest with myself, I think guy #2 is more of a manifestation of my problems with my BF. I don't actually see myself with him - I think its more the idea of all the exciting physical and day-to-day stuff that I miss out on. And I never would actually do anything with him while I am in a relationship. He really is my best friend, and I think my feelings are more platonic than anything else - more protectively jealous that stemming from me actually wanting to hook up with him. I think having a crush on someone is an easy way to avoid dealing with the reality of my current relationship. I don't want to be slowly falling to 'empty' in the love area, but I can't seem to stop myself from it. I finish my grad program in May, so the pressure to make some big choices is on.