LDR - I didn't know this girl was in a relationship...

[Oh really, now...]

Okay, so my Mistress and I are in a long-term relationship, and have been for more than 5 months. She lives in central LA, I live in central CA. We often bring other girls into the fold for fun and games, and sometimes for more; I am always the central submissive in the relationship, but there have been two girls who have become sisters (fellow submissives), and we have shared a healthy, loving relationship...

 

Until two weeks ago, that is. Sister Ayu started appearing online less and less, never wanted to talk on Skype, and always seemed like she was covering something up. She was talking to Mistress, but it was made clear that whatever she was telling Mistress was confidential and not for our ears. There was talk of her healing relations with her sister, or somesuch thing like that.

 

Then, a few days ago, she just disappeared. She left a note saying that she had enjoyed the two months she'd been with us, and loved us all, but she just had to go to straighten her life out. Then came the really shocking thing - apparently she had been struggling with her boyfriend of several years the whole time, and we were the fall girls to run to because she couldn't stand to be with her boyfriend any longer. No one, apparently not even Mistress, was aware this was the case until she left.

 

Now, I know the love and the affection was genuine between us. Suddenly, though, I feel very guilty for having been in an affair without realizing it; it's good that she's going offline to deal with and repair her relationship with her boyfriend, but I would never had built an amorous relationship with Ayu had I known she was cheating on him. It makes me feel a tad angry, frankly. Is that really all I am online - a fantasy for people to run away to who can't handle their real lives? I know that's not the case with Mistress, because I know Her real life situation and Her heart well enough, but with these other girls... I just wonder.

 

They all seem so good of heart, and I know that Ayu did not mean to hurt anyone, but it still makes me wonder whether anyone else should be in the relationship with Mama and I. The other sister, Pebble, is a sweetheart and not too sexually motivated. It's really a truly romantic and familial relationship for her, so her I'm not too concerned about - but shoud that be it?

 

My relationship to my dearest Mistress means too much to me for it to be filled with the libidoes of girls who are there only for the sex and the escapist fantasy. If they want kinky sex, they can go to a club or a swingers bar. Why go online and come into someone's relationship claiming affection? I mean, Pebble is real at heart, and Ayu was truly loving and well-intentioned, despite her having been cheating, but other, less wholesome girls have tried to wiggle their ways into the relationship from time to time. Am I just being suspicious, jealous, paranoid? Is it wrong for me to feel this protective of Mistress?

 

(Please do not waste your time deriding my Dominant/submissive lifestyle; it's an insult and a waste of both of our time)

[d'Arthez]

A tough thing to explain.

 

For Ayu, this online relationship was probably an escape from real life troubles. And you, as a small group where there to give attention to her. Which she apparently craved for.

You can analyze endlessly why she chose you (as a group), in the hope of finding out what was wrong with her relationship with her boyfriend, but it is not of importance - unless she would appear online in the future again, to talk and explore with you. You can guess what problems she may have with her boyfriend, given that she was a sub in the relationship, but it is just that. A guess. And you will never know with any certainty what happened in her life, unless she told you(r Mistress).

 

As for the cheating, even that is not completely certain. I have no idea, how comfortable Ayu is with D/s, and whether or not D/s also played a role in her relationship with her boyfriend. Was it her first time D/s?

She probably did not see any harm in what she is doing. Especially when you are confused about a relationship, it is easy to try and fix it, by getting involved in other relationships / friendships. But these methods do not address the original problem, which remains in existence. Thus situations are getting more complex, and harder to straighten out.

People can derive experiences of "love" from practically anything. It is not unreasonable to assume that Ayu also experienced love from the interactions she had with you. Otherwise she would not have stayed in this relationship. She just tried to get "love" from this relationship, perhaps because she was not getting it in her relationship with her boyfriend? But that is already speculating.

 

I think the problem is not so much the cheating on her boyfriend - you did not engage in that knowingly - , but the hiding things from you, Pebble and your Mistress. Which makes you wonder why she chose to be in the relationship, why she did not tell anyone, and why she did not try to straighten things out with her boyfriend, or break up with him before this happened.

 

So yes, the suspicion is understandable. It is a huge breach of trust, and no one likes being the victim of that, what you went through. It is almost a personal insult, because of the exact nature of the issue: the hiding things from Ayu's life. The protectiveness is understandable from that angle.

But you should try (and your Mistress and Pebble) not to let the judgement on other people be affected by it. And find out which clues you missed with Ayu, just in case to be prepared for people who have not straightened their lives out.

[Sami_D]

What does your mistress say about it? At the end of the day, it's her responsibility and her decision. Does she actively involve you in the selection of new submissives? Are you totally commited to her dominance, or are you looking for support here so you can go back to her and give her a list of reasons why you're unhappy with how she's running things? (not meant offensively )

 

Is the essence of this that you're dissatisfied with the 'poly' aspects of your arrangement? Was it agreed at the beginning that your relationship would be poly and now you're not happy with that..?

 

Is there a reason you can't take your D/s offline and involve yourself in your local bdsm community?

 

I think you would get some useful answers to your questions if you tried a bdsm-specific site like collarme.com. There is a really great message board there. But really, the most important thing is that you take your concerns directly to your mistress and be as honest as you can with her about your unhappiness.

[newbby]

I agree with Sami, it doesn't sound as though you are entirely happy with the arrangement. You havent said that Mistress herself was upset about Ayu, so it seems as though you are not protective of Mistress (in this situation), but protective of the relationship that you want this to be. I agree you need to be honest to Mistress about how you are feeling.

[Oh really, now...]

What does your mistress say about it? At the end of the day, it's her responsibility and her decision. Does she actively involve you in the selection of new submissives? Are you totally commited to her dominance, or are you looking for support here so you can go back to her and give her a list of reasons why you're unhappy with how she's running things? (not meant offensively )

I never had a problem with the poly element before. I'm just trying to work out why, after this happened, I'm suddenly jealous and protective of the relationship. I love Mistress and it *is* of course Her decision; I have great affection for Pebble as well, though it wasn't as strong at the beginning as with Ayu.

 

Basically, Ayu met me and very visibly fell head-over-heels with me. Pebble I am very good friends with, and I do find her to be a truly amazing person, but there was never a passionate phase to our relationship.

 

It's not that I'm prepared to list grievances to Mistress, so much as that I'm trying to work out why Ayu's leaving makes me feel this way. It *is* a major breach of trust, but still...

 

Is the essence of this that you're dissatisfied with the 'poly' aspects of your arrangement? Was it agreed at the beginning that your relationship would be poly and now you're not happy with that..?

 

Is there a reason you can't take your D/s offline and involve yourself in your local bdsm community?

 

This relationship can't go offline because (a) we're quite far away from each other and (b) neither of us can afford it, and I'm only still online because of Her. It can be poly, that's all well and good, but I still feel myself hanging on for dear life to what I've developed with Mistress - and I think that's unhealthy.

 

I'm about to move into San Francisco from the 'burbs to go to art school, at which time I will start exploring the D/s and BDSM scene. I hope eventually to lessen my relationship with Mistress Ebony to a correspondence and loving friendship, and to find a Master or Mistress in real life. I've discussed this at great length with Mistress; it is what She has decided is best, and I agree.

 

I think you would get some useful answers to your questions if you tried a bdsm-specific site like collarme.com. There is a really great message board there. But really, the most important thing is that you take your concerns directly to your mistress and be as honest as you can with her about your unhappiness.

 

Yes.... Ultimately, I'm a romantic sort, and I can have difficulty rationally navigating relationships. I'm the kind of person who will hang on for dear life to what has already developed, while my neglect of the future of the relationship brings things to a sliding halt. I've done it before, and I'm trying to prevent it from happening again.

 

In all of this, at least I am able to serve Mistress; at least I have Her love and Her nurturing and guidance, and the ability and opportunity to return that through loving service and devotion. It is more than I could ask for.

[Oh really, now...]

I agree with Sami, it doesn't sound as though you are entirely happy with the arrangement. You havent said that Mistress herself was upset about Ayu, so it seems as though you are not protective of Mistress (in this situation), but protective of the relationship that you want this to be. I agree you need to be honest to Mistress about how you are feeling.

 

Mistress was and is extremely upset about Ayu, but you are still right. I allow my protectiveness to shift towards protectiveness of what I want instead of protectiveness of Mistress and what is best for Her.

[Sami_D]

I never had a problem with the poly element before. I'm just trying to work out why, after this happened, I'm suddenly jealous and protective of the relationship. I love Mistress and it *is* of course Her decision

 

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Basically, Ayu met me and very visibly fell head-over-heels with me.

 

---

 

It's not that I'm prepared to list grievances to Mistress, so much as that I'm trying to work out why Ayu's leaving makes me feel this way. It *is* a major breach of trust, but still...

 

You say Ayu fell for you, but how did you feel about her? How does it compare to how you feel about your mistress? With the breaking of the trust issue, does it hurt you more that Ayu lied to you, or that your mistress made a (possible?) error of judgment in picking Ayu to join the relationship? (how was she chosen?) Or is it something else..?

 

How does your mistress feel about you feeling protective of her..? I mean, when you say 'protective' I almost feel like you're stepping outside of D/s in a way. I think you'd find posting in the 'ask a Mistress' section on collarme.com really useful.

[newbby]

maybe the realisation that you were decieved has bought out insecurities in you and you are transferring these feelings to your relationship with mistress.