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Posted

I was with my ex for 16 years, we have a 5 year old together. He was verbally abusive. When we argued it escalated to hair pulling, slapping, pushing, on both our parts but mostly his. We grew up together and basically didn't know how to get along, we lost all respect for one another.

I left him 1 1/2 years ago. He has dated a little but he hasn't moved on, nor has he given up on us. He desperately wants a 2nd chance. He is willing to do anything to make it right. I don't want to live together or anything but I would like to go to counseling, be friends and possibly date. But I have this fear that he will turn mean again. We have a ton in common, I love him and he loves our child. Is there any former A**holes out there turned nice or am I nieve to think this man can really change? Someone please respond with some advice. Thank you

Posted

Has he seeked counseling during the time you two were apart? From my own experience, my ex broke up w/ me 'cause she felt we argued too much and I told her I'd change so I starting seeing a therapist 'cause I meant it when I said I'd help myself.

 

Now, our relationship wasn't abusive, I was just stressed out and unhappy sometimes and that bothered her seeing me that way so she broke it off.

 

Do you really think it will be different this time around? I mean, abuse shouldn't be in any relationship, especially when there's a child around that can see it. I'm 29 but I can still remember my parents fighting when I was 4 and 5. Those memories last and they're memories that children shouldn't have. You either give your child fond memories of the both of you together or apart but your child shouldn't have to deal w/ you two being abusive to each other because it's not just unhealthy for you but unhealthy for your kid.

 

W/ that being said, do you really think it can work out? Do you honestly believe that he's a new man after a year and a half of being away from you? If he didn't change in 16 years, why would he change now? And what do you feel is more important for your child?

 

I hope I didn't upset or offend you in any way. Good luck.

 

Cheers.

Posted

I have to agree with Jellostick on this one.

 

TDog,

 

Unless the problem has been "fixed" … it still exists. Because you found the courage to remove yourself from the situation you think its no longer there. People with a propensity towards physical violence don't just wake up one day and suddenly say: "Hey! I've changed! It's a miracle!"

 

Unless he's received extensive counseling and behavioral modification therapy, once back in the same stressful situation, he will resort to what comes natural to him. People usually choose the path of least resistance. And if you are also prone to provoke or react violently, it will escalate into the same ugly scenario you've been lucky enough to avoid for over a year.

 

He is willing to do anything to make it right.

 

Then why isn't he getting help with his anger issues already? He needs to help himself (address his own issues) before he'll be any good for anyone else.

 

If it were me, I'd insist on at least one year of individual counseling for both of you. Then, when you are in a better place, you can work on couple's/relationship counseling before deciding whether or not the two of you are at a place where you can foster a healthy relationship together. Particularly when you are trying to parent a child who needs a safe and secure environment to grow up in.

 

You've put in sixteen miserable years already, and only spent one apart…so what harm would another year apart do if it were under professional guidance?

 

Please, don't let loneliness and wishful thinking lure you back into harms way. You have to become smarter and more self protective, or risk running that dysfunctional hamster wheel for the rest of your life. :(

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Posted

Thanks for your replies. The 2nd one really got to me, mainly because I know it's true. I feel so bad that he is hurting, I would probably be ok if he would move on, but knowing that he is depressed and sad makes me sad. He hasn't sought counseling on his own. I have been seeing a therapist since before I left him. She says my feelings are normal given the situation. but I did forget to mention that I am newly married (6 months). My husband isn't abusive but he is controlling in alot of ways (see seperation & divorce forum), he is 14 years my senior and we don't have a lot in common. He rode in on his white horse and rescued me from the ex, I needed that, but I don't think I needed a new relationship. i have a hard time telling people no. Anyway, thanks for the advice.

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