This one feels too much.

[WaywardSon]

Hello. I’m writing this mostly only to vent. I’m M(40), left by my GF(27) after a 4+ year relationship.

The age gap, as well as the fact that she broke out of her previous relationship to start dating me were obvious red flags noted by most of my friends.  To me it wasn’t that big a deal in comparison to the situations I had been in during the previous few years: It seemed every 30+ woman I met was freshly out of a significant relationship and urgently trying to start a family with the first decent bloke they could find. At least this one felt different. Our relationship outlasted her previous one, and it never felt like a rebound situation anyway.  Still, I’m sure many saw this coming miles away.

But I certainly didn’t. I felt we both had our issues, but loved and supported each other, were happy to be with each other and could communicate our concerns. We moved together after 3+ years, mainly because I felt like we needed to test our post-honeymoon dynamics properly. At the time she was still studying, struggling with depression and anxiety, but seeing a therapist. She had started undergoing something of a spiritual transformation before we moved together, which also contributed to us moving away from the city centrum, to be closer to nature. I welcomed this new-found spirituality, as she seemed happier and more social.

Things soured in the fall of 2023, due to different things. At this point she believed she was a starseed, crystal child or what-have-you. Now that I’ve educated myself on New Age beliefs, it was basic stuff, so I don’t believe I need to explain it here. Either way, she quit her studies and was out of therapy, insisting that she had found more effective ways of healing.

Another co-aligning factor was that at this point we heard that one of her sisters, after months of therapy, was now confident that she had been sexually abused by their father as a child. While none of the other siblings could remember specific things from their childhood, it seems that everyone intuitively understood there was something there. Everyone seemed to react in different ways, but for my now-ex, the reaction was particularly difficult to navigate. It seemed that all of this only amplified her whole spiral of spirituality: She thought she had been sent from the stars to heal the family karma, and to support her father, who remains ignorant and unapologetic to this day.

Almost immediately, she became cold and distant towards me, almost hostile. It had been discussed before that our dynamics, age difference etc. were likely connected to some unresolved issue with her father. She even openly admitted that she was now projecting her hatred towards me. In addition, she felt that the two of us could no longer connect, as I wasn’t spiritually aware the way she was. So she wanted out. After a few days, she was already sleeping with a friend. That relationship didn’t proceed as the friend in question wanted to save his own relationship. My GF first lied about the whole ordeal, but then nonchalantly told me what had happened, seeing no issue since she had left me already, even though we were still living together.

After all this I wanted her to pack her bags asap. She has since perhaps slightly recovered and started having 2nd thoughts, even apologizing for her behavior.  She has now moved out; we’ve been mostly NC for the past month, other than some practicalities.  I’m utterly heartbroken, I don’t want her back after everything she has put me through and am not hence urged to contact her. But I feel really conflicted about everything. I obviously still love her to the bottom of my heart, and find myself hoping that her spiritual journey doesn’t fail her. I feel like I somehow did. As for me, I don’t have the foggiest how to unravel everything.

I’ve now read several topics and the types of responses of “She wasn’t who you thought she was” don’t feel too assuring. I’m 40 years old, I wish to harbor the idea that I’ve spent all the significant moments of my life so far with various people who loved me sincerely at one time, but who had their issues and conflicts outside that, and didn’t stay around for the long haul. “You’ll find better” doesn’t really sound likely either. I would never say that to one of my friends, when it’s obvious many of them had a particular window for happiness with some specific person at some specific time, and constant struggles trying to experience something near-similar later. Let’s not pretend age isn’t a factor, or biology.  

I guess I’d be interested in knowing if someone has ever experienced anything quite like this, I feel as if the New-Age angle really pushed things past repair.

[Weezy1973]

42 minutes ago, WaywardSon said:

I guess I’d be interested in knowing if someone has ever experienced anything quite like this, I feel as if the New-Age angle really pushed things past repair.

Break ups are always hard, and even more so when infidelity is involved. People who had childhood trauma are often drawn towards magical thinking like the New Age stuff you describe. I suspect her stopping traditional therapy for the New Age stuff at first felt good, but ultimately it will keep her stuck. 
 

For you, in time the pain will fade. You just have to focus on your well-being, stay healthy, exercise if you can etc. Time does heal, so let it do its thing. 

[Beachead]

@WaywardSon

Quote

I guess I’d be interested in knowing if someone has ever experienced anything quite like this, I feel as if the New-Age angle really pushed things past repair.

I've been broken up with and forced to break it off but not for reasons like this.   Regardless, breakups are excruciatingly painful.

Your situation seems to follow a growing trend that many people today don't seem to be in it for long haul. They don't seem to have a basic understanding of who they are and what they want and choose relationships because "That's what people do" or other weak reasons. Midway into the relationship when life grows difficult or incompatibilities in the relationship surface, the solution is to bail rather than work things out and implement loving qualities like compassion/understanding/patience.  

She'll probably hurt over this for a little while, then compartmentalize whatever she can't heal, and move onto someone new.  That's how it all works.

It's hard to see any mistakes you might have made and I don't really think you did, as the reasons for breaking up had to do with her and her family and her past.  Nothing you could have done about it except do your best and be yourself.  Doesn't matter how long you two were together; 4 months or 4 years or 40 years, if what you two built together wasn't enough for her, then all that you can do is let it go.  Not much else you can give.

You'll hurt for a long while; the grief takes awhile to work it's way out of the system.  Give yourself time and be patient.    

- Beach

Edited February 25 by Beachead

[WaywardSon]

The rationale behind me feeling that I’ve failed her may be faulty, but it’s rooted in the dynamics of the relationship, with her being vulnerable and childlike and me being “the adult”. Whether or not that’s a healthy dynamic for adult relationship is another thing entirely but it seemed to suit us. I’m as guilty of that dynamic as she was.

The problem was that she grew out of it, or rather learned to loathe it. The fact I wish to go NC and not remain as friends makes me feel guilty, since it was also evident that she was going through a lot. I mean, I know what I need to do, and what my boundaries are but underneath all my anger is worry for her. I don’t believe her spiritual system has the capacity to save her from pain, but I still hope it did, having seen what was there in its place when we met.  

I used to feel like life is utter s*** but at least we had each other. Now the only thing remaining is the s*** part. That I feel I’m also slightly guilty off, not being able to fight all the negativity around a person trying to recover from depression.  

[ladyeatinggreens20]

On 2/25/2024 at 1:37 PM, WaywardSon said:

The rationale behind me feeling that I’ve failed her may be faulty, but it’s rooted in the dynamics of the relationship, with her being vulnerable and childlike and me being “the adult”. Whether or not that’s a healthy dynamic for adult relationship is another thing entirely but it seemed to suit us. I’m as guilty of that dynamic as she was.

The problem was that she grew out of it, or rather learned to loathe it. The fact I wish to go NC and not remain as friends makes me feel guilty, since it was also evident that she was going through a lot. I mean, I know what I need to do, and what my boundaries are but underneath all my anger is worry for her. I don’t believe her spiritual system has the capacity to save her from pain, but I still hope it did, having seen what was there in its place when we met.  

I used to feel like life is utter s*** but at least we had each other. Now the only thing remaining is the s*** part. That I feel I’m also slightly guilty off, not being able to fight all the negativity around a person trying to recover from depression.  

I feel you. And I'm sorry you're going through this. 

Yep, having a significant other (when you're right for each other) does make going through life a bit more enjoyable.  However, when a relationship is like a yoyo and you are not equipped to care for a person as they need to be cared for, i.e. physically, mentally, etc. than life can be stressful to the point where your health may eventually suffer slowly but surely.

Try being thankful that things weren't worse than what they are. Feel the heart ache for as long as you need, while knowing you have value in this world. If it's meant for you two to reconcile, then you will. It cannot be forced though. Be good to yourself and keep putting good energy into yourself and out into the world.

[BreakOnThrough]

She had issues that weren't your responsibility to fix, or even understand.  The best you can do is move forward and be more cognizant of those red flags in the future.  Failure to do so will just lead to more heartache.

We often choose partners, often times, that subconsciously mirror our own needs, perhaps you choose partners that are broken and you feel the need to fix them.

[WaywardSon]

14 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

.  However, when a relationship is like a yoyo and you are not equipped to care for a person as they need to be cared for, i.e. physically, mentally, etc. than life can be stressful to the point where your health may eventually suffer slowly but surely.

This was never a yo-yo type relationship. The 4+ years were harmonic, no discussions of breaking-up, no pauses or major arguments. Until it stopped. As said, she has done this before in her past relationships, but she led me to believe ours was different. She told me that she believes that her being a pleaser was what made our relationship possible in the first place, and that her cup just finally spilled over. I don’t understand that at all as she’s always been rather temperamental, never agreeing to anything that was outside her liking. Which was fine. This reasoning seems something that comes from her childhood and that she’s only projecting.

Why I blame her new beliefs is that one of her qualities I respected the most was that even if emotional, she also used to be awfully analytical and objective. She could always see what’s behind her reactions, helping us to avoid unnecessary drama and needless arguing. Now analytics apparently belong to the masculine world represented by her father she’s trying to distance herself from, and it’s all about pure instinct and impulse from now on. And there’s no way you can build a maintainable relationship with a person like that.

So it’s not like I’m pursuing or hoping for her to come back, or think that it’s even possible for us to ever get back together. I’ve tried that in some past relationships, with more controlled break-ups with no cheating and/or lying and still I’ve never been able to forgive. I don’t know what I’m aiming at. I’ve decided to stay in our old apartment, have not really been socializing much. I feel like the sadness is worth more than any ensuing emptiness, so there’s no hurry.

[WaywardSon]

47 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said:

.We often choose partners, often times, that subconsciously mirror our own needs, perhaps you choose partners that are broken and you feel the need to fix them.

This may be true to some extent. The sample size isn't that high, but always when in a relationship with a person that doesn't really need fixing, it hasn't really felt like there's a proper relationship, or love, there. Some element of intimacy seems lacking, I don't know. On the other hand, I've never felt like it was my responsibility to do the fixing, so it's more subtle.

[Beachead]

@WaywardSon

Could be, she never really knew herself.  A tough past can sometimes lead people to run away from themselves and the realities of their life and focus their attention on other people; it's a form of self-abandonment.  Self-deceit. 

Problem is, in doing this, they choose the wrong things for themselves; friends, partners, careers, goals etc.  An accumulation of wrong choices creates internal conflict because the lifestyle isn't what the person actually needs.  They feel unhappy, lost.  Disconnected.  They don't know why because they never really took the time to delve into themselves and figure out who they were.  Some people can do this their whole life while for others can't.  Maybe she was just the latter, and she reached this point (Which you just happened to be there for being her boyfriend) in her life, where she finally acknowledged she'd made a bunch of wrong choices and needed to start taking care of herself.  Her making some changes in her life included you being tossed out with everything else in the closet.

It's terrible when you invest your heart and your resources into something that doesn't work out, for reasons beyond your control.  It's tough to swallow.  Tough to accept.  Moreover, the this person you built trust and familiarity with, both intimately and in your normal everyday life, is just...gone.  Gone physically.  Gone emotionally.   And you have to go on with those memories, waking up every morning, carrying out your regular day, and going to bed.   Rinse and repeat for the rest of your life.

It's going to suck for you for awhile but the way to ground yourself when you get emotional is to remember everything works out the way it was meant to be.  You don't need to force this stuff.  All you have to do is your best and you know you did that.   She knew she wasn't real, so she did you a favor and exited. No more time wasted, on the wrong person, unknowingly.

Now you can focus solely on yourself, without those efforts being used up by the wrong person.  

- Beach

Edited February 29 by Beachead

[WaywardSon]

I believe I loved the real version of her, and didn’t see it as black or white. Like she’d think she’s either this or that exclusively, when in fact it was obvious she had all these different sides to her, with the emphasis changing slightly. The same as our relationships basically. So even if she grew weary of that particular dynamic I described earlier, it’s wasn’t the only dynamic and most of the different ones felt working for us. I don’t think our relationship put her into a particular box either. So for me personally it’s difficult to understand why I had to go.

Regardless of whether my exes were of the type that needed fixing, there have been some similarities: They’ve all been really passionate about what they are doing. The first year or so is usually fine: we’ve spent equal amounts of time with both of our families and friends, been doing stuff we both enjoy, they’ve been interested in my hobbies etc. At some point that all stops, they have their passions and they no longer have as much time for me. I continue with my life, do what I do and am largely OK with the situation. Suddenly there’s a friction because I’m not partaking in their daily activities which to me means that they’re upset that I’m not helping them with their professional pursuits. I used to be passionate as well, working in the creative field, but chose a career that’s not connected to that. I feel as if by choosing a profession that actually pays something, I also chose to distance myself from the type of people I connect with and find interesting. Then they hook up with someone from their own field. And no, I’m not working long days or anything, I have to travel at times but usually I’ve plenty of free time.

But by saying there’s a pattern I suppose I have to take the responsibility to some extent. I’m interested in specific types of personalities, and they rarely settle for the type of life I tend to lead. With the age gap thing now, it should be even more understandable. But I don’t think there’s much I could have done differently; I’ve loved who I’ve loved. I’ve perhaps met more potential matches life-style wise, I just wasn’t into them, and perceived their lives as boring and their interests trivial. So who am I to criticize anyone?

I’m just venting again. It’s been 2 months since it first became obvious the RS would end, 1 month since it ended and 2 weeks since we talked briefly. Today has been more difficult than the previous few days.

[WaywardSon]

Yesterday was one of the worst days yet. On Saturday I visited this, how should I call it, youth gathering or youth club (Plenty of 40+ in there, it wasn’t as suspicious as it sounds). The place where I met her 4.5 years ago. I knew she wouldn’t be there, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone myself. The reason was that I started feeling slightly better last week, having this false hope that “life goes on”, “plenty of fish in the sea” etc. Rationally I knew it wouldn’t be like that, but I just had to kill it and I surely did. The loss has rarely felt as tangible. I also managed to meet some of her friends there. It was good in the sense that I’ve spent the last few years mainly with her family and friends. Now that I should have some outside support it feels pointless to discuss these things with my old pals, because they didn’t really know her or our situation. This wasn’t breaking the NC rule, as they hadn’t been in contact with her either. It seems she’s trying to leave everyone behind, not just me.

I cried the entire day. I “called her” without actually connecting the call, meaning that I was describing how I feel with a dead phone in my hand. I probably shouldn’t drink any alcohol anytime soon, but probably this was something I just needed to do to proceed.  

[WaywardSon]

This seems to become a monolog but it doesn’t matter. The same as talking to a dead phone, it helps to get things out. The GIGS topic here was certainly eye-opening.  There was an element of that here:

-We were planning to get a pet which felt like a commitment to stay in one place and together, since neither of us could handle it alone

-Sudden break-up, everything being blown out of proportion, like everything was suddenly negative.

-Very cold and non-emotional responses

-Non-existing effort to try to communicate

-Her wishing to stay friends, first trying to sell the idea of polyamory and saying that maybe one day we can have a 2nd attempt at a romantic relationship but please go find someone else anyway.

-Having vague ideas on how to test her wings etc.

-Confusion, seeming like you were talking to a different person every day, sometimes sorry and sweet, sometimes nasty, with changing explanations.

Getting that context surely helped but don’t know how helpful it’ll be in the long run: Suddenly I’m waiting for her to reach for me, and even if she did, I doubt it would make much of a difference.

[WaywardSon]

I’m writing again after a short pause. Next week it has been 3 months since for me things seemed to go from good to bad overnight, 2 months since the split and one month NC. Also 12 months from when we moved together, which is significant as some seasonal sensations, odors etc. make those memories quite vivid.

Not much has changed since my last post, still tend to cry every few hours. When away from home, things are admittedly easier. I don’t know if there’s any real proof it should work this way, but I’m deliberately putting myself into situations that hurt, as I’d need to face that hurt sooner or later.  I go eat in the same restaurants, visit the same spots, sit on the same park benches etc. The first time I visited some of these places I almost felt out of breath and close to vomiting, but for example going to the supermarket may just be slightly melancholic nowadays. So it does work in some way.

As said, I’ve taken part in the same types of social gatherings where I met my ex 4+ years ago a few times. First I decided not to do it, since I knew that deep inside my motivation was to try to repeat i.e. meet someone new. Like in the Scott Walker lyric “if I walk these streets long enough, will you happen to me again?” Intellectually I knew that would not happen, but I’ve since realized that it’s not really an intellectual exercise but emotional, and any such analysis is only a short cut.  Now actually having been in these situations I wholeheartedly FEEL I won’t be able to step into the same stream again.

I believe I now understand that the things making this such a difficult break-up, and the things leading to the break-up in the first place are different sides of the same coin. I already discussed her issues. I assume I have some of my own. I wouldn’t say I have a Peter Pan syndrome; I was ready to settle down, I work etc. but I do hark back to the type of lifestyle I was able to have only via her. Now that she herself wanted to grow-up, or at least felt like there had to be more to life, I wasn’t able to proceed with her. I cannot really be blaming myself too much for failing to picture myself as a starseed soul from Plejades, I’m just saying that there’s always something (ideology, belief-systems…) I’m not able to embrace without some cynicism and I’m hence being left behind. I do need to make a distinction between missing a person and missing the happy days. I surely miss both separately, but can understand that it was weighing on her if she saw I was struggling to keep the two apart. The only thing I want is to have my old life back, and since I don’t have any way to achieve that, with her or anyone else, I’ve been awfully apathetic and disinterested in people and things. Now having hacked this character flaw leaves me quite pessimistic.

There’s some comfort to the idea of trade-off of sorts. I’m now blaming her for being impulsive, immature, impatient and passionate. Still, the last 4 years were the happiest of my life because she was who she is, I just happened to be on her bright side. Just wish it would have lasted longer, like you always do.

[Gebidozo]

29 minutes ago, WaywardSon said:

I’m writing again after a short pause. Next week it has been 3 months since for me things seemed to go from good to bad overnight, 2 months since the split and one month NC. Also 12 months from when we moved together, which is significant as some seasonal sensations, odors etc. make those memories quite vivid.

Not much has changed since my last post, still tend to cry every few hours. When away from home, things are admittedly easier. I don’t know if there’s any real proof it should work this way, but I’m deliberately putting myself into situations that hurt, as I’d need to face that hurt sooner or later.  I go eat in the same restaurants, visit the same spots, sit on the same park benches etc. The first time I visited some of these places I almost felt out of breath and close to vomiting, but for example going to the supermarket may just be slightly melancholic nowadays. So it does work in some way.

As said, I’ve taken part in the same types of social gatherings where I met my ex 4+ years ago a few times. First I decided not to do it, since I knew that deep inside my motivation was to try to repeat i.e. meet someone new. Like in the Scott Walker lyric “if I walk these streets long enough, will you happen to me again?” Intellectually I knew that would not happen, but I’ve since realized that it’s not really an intellectual exercise but emotional, and any such analysis is only a short cut.  Now actually having been in these situations I wholeheartedly FEEL I won’t be able to step into the same stream again.

I believe I now understand that the things making this such a difficult break-up, and the things leading to the break-up in the first place are different sides of the same coin. I already discussed her issues. I assume I have some of my own. I wouldn’t say I have a Peter Pan syndrome; I was ready to settle down, I work etc. but I do hark back to the type of lifestyle I was able to have only via her. Now that she herself wanted to grow-up, or at least felt like there had to be more to life, I wasn’t able to proceed with her. I cannot really be blaming myself too much for failing to picture myself as a starseed soul from Plejades, I’m just saying that there’s always something (ideology, belief-systems…) I’m not able to embrace without some cynicism and I’m hence being left behind. I do need to make a distinction between missing a person and missing the happy days. I surely miss both separately, but can understand that it was weighing on her if she saw I was struggling to keep the two apart. The only thing I want is to have my old life back, and since I don’t have any way to achieve that, with her or anyone else, I’ve been awfully apathetic and disinterested in people and things. Now having hacked this character flaw leaves me quite pessimistic.

There’s some comfort to the idea of trade-off of sorts. I’m now blaming her for being impulsive, immature, impatient and passionate. Still, the last 4 years were the happiest of my life because she was who she is, I just happened to be on her bright side. Just wish it would have lasted longer, like you always do.

I know how you feel. I’ve been there. Breakups can be excruciatingly painful. I had a rather devastating breakup a couple of years ago. She was much younger than me (even bigger age gap than in your case), and she left me after 7 years of being together. Everything in this city reminded me of her. I couldn’t function anymore. I was ready to leave the city and leave the country, which would mean radically changing my life and basically starting from zero at the age of 46. 

Then, when I least expected it, I met a wonderful woman and now she is my fiancée. You never know what awaits you around the corner. Soak in melancholy, cherish the pain as a learning experience, but never lose hope.

[WaywardSon]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

I know how you feel. I’ve been there. Breakups can be excruciatingly painful. I had a rather devastating breakup a couple of years ago. She was much younger than me (even bigger age gap than in your case), and she left me after 7 years of being together. Everything in this city reminded me of her. I couldn’t function anymore. I was ready to leave the city and leave the country, which would mean radically changing my life and basically starting from zero at the age of 46. 

Then, when I least expected it, I met a wonderful woman and now she is my fiancée. You never know what awaits you around the corner. Soak in melancholy, cherish the pain as a learning experience, but never lose hope.

Thanks for the supportive words Gebidozo! May I ask how long did it take for you to recover and through which stages? Also, at what situations where you and your fiancée when you met?

I’ve had my fair share of break-ups but this one seems like uncharted territory. In my previous relationships it always felt that something was missing, either emotionally or functionally. Now everything seemed perfect. Earlier on I’d just go looking for a better match; my former life had not disappeared in the meanwhile, I just stepped back into it. Not saying it was healthy or even necessary, but I started having hook-ups after a month or so. Prior to this relationship, the girl I considered to have been the love of my life still took 6 years to get completely over.

I know it doesn’t do me any good to lose hope, but if I’m doing the math, I’m certainly not too optimistic. I don’t mean any disrespect with this and I likely fail to spell-out the exact implications. I also know this sets me up for complete ridicule: My ex was 23-years when we met and the next time it could be with someone double the age. It really isn’t about attractiveness at all. But coming to understand my preferences for lifestyles, leisure etc. that have stayed pretty constant for 20 years, this really feels like the end. This relationship started naturally, but now being several years older it already feels like any conscious effort to date younger women seems off. It also has to be said that the charms of that age dynamic became rather apparent with this break-up. Any personal age crisis and potential dating should certainly be kept separate, but it’s difficult to think there wouldn’t be any overlap.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, WaywardSon said:

Thanks for the supportive words Gebidozo! May I ask how long did it take for you to recover and through which stages? Also, at what situations where you and your fiancée when you met?

I’ve had my fair share of break-ups but this one seems like uncharted territory. In my previous relationships it always felt that something was missing, either emotionally or functionally. Now everything seemed perfect. Earlier on I’d just go looking for a better match; my former life had not disappeared in the meanwhile, I just stepped back into it. Not saying it was healthy or even necessary, but I started having hook-ups after a month or so. Prior to this relationship, the girl I considered to have been the love of my life still took 6 years to get completely over.

I know it doesn’t do me any good to lose hope, but if I’m doing the math, I’m certainly not too optimistic. I don’t mean any disrespect with this and I likely fail to spell-out the exact implications. I also know this sets me up for complete ridicule: My ex was 23-years when we met and the next time it could be with someone double the age. It really isn’t about attractiveness at all. But coming to understand my preferences for lifestyles, leisure etc. that have stayed pretty constant for 20 years, this really feels like the end. This relationship started naturally, but now being several years older it already feels like any conscious effort to date younger women seems off. It also has to be said that the charms of that age dynamic became rather apparent with this break-up. Any personal age crisis and potential dating should certainly be kept separate, but it’s difficult to think there wouldn’t be any overlap.

It took about 3 months to accept the fact that it was over. Prior to that moment, I was still holding onto the hope of getting that girl back. 

I’d known my fiancée for a few years, and we had feelings for each other, but we couldn’t be together because I was with that other girl. After my breakup, I texted her, not really hoping for anything, was just thinking it would be nice to reconnect with a person I considered the greatest “what if…” of my life. The moment we met we both realized we still had feelings for each other, and we just took it from there.

Can you be more specific about your lifestyle and leisure preferences? Why do you think you can’t have them anymore? Do you just mean dating younger women? Well, from my experience, if a man can attract younger women, it doesn’t really change as he ages. There is no reason to think that your next girlfriend will be double the age of your previous one. Then again, why not try dating someone closer to your age?

[WaywardSon]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Can you be more specific about your lifestyle and leisure preferences? Why do you think you can’t have them anymore? Do you just mean dating younger women? Well, from my experience, if a man can attract younger women, it doesn’t really change as he ages. There is no reason to think that your next girlfriend will be double the age of your previous one. Then again, why not try dating someone closer to your age?

By attractiveness I meant that I myself have been attracted to some women my age, some younger than me and some older than me, so there’s no issue there.

My hobbies etc. shouldn’t be too problematic, but as described, it has always become an issue that I’m just “hanging around”. Going to concerts (festivals, clubs, concert houses), movies, art galleries. Stuff people usually do. There are never any issues related to this in the beginning, but as described earlier, investing plenty of time to this rather than to something more productive has been brought up many times with different people. I’ve often also realized than I’m in a different age group to everyone else around. I’ve been in plenty of mixed gender societies, where all women disappear after a certain age, and only the men are left to discuss their music projects and preferences, favorite star trek episodes and what have you. I don’t consume much alcohol or use other substances.

This was the second time I dated someone much younger, but obviously earlier on my exes were of similar age, but I was younger as well. I don’t see any reason why I couldn’t date anyone my age, it’s just that the probabilities are low, if I don’t actually meet them in real life and/or their priorities are much different.  In my previous relationship I had also subtly bough into the idea of starting a family someday, which comes with its age restrictions.  Already 8 years ago, when I was actively looking for someone to date, the whole thing seemed to be burdened by women wishing to get their families started ASAP. I may not be too old for that now, but if it takes me anything close to 6 years to get over this, I will most definitely be.

So there, lots of speculation, a bit of mid-age crisis, a bitter cocktail not entirely connected to me losing her Some good old pessimism I need some outlet for, as I’d be too ashamed to share such biased views of reality in person.   

  

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, WaywardSon said:

By attractiveness I meant that I myself have been attracted to some women my age, some younger than me and some older than me, so there’s no issue there.

My hobbies etc. shouldn’t be too problematic, but as described, it has always become an issue that I’m just “hanging around”. Going to concerts (festivals, clubs, concert houses), movies, art galleries. Stuff people usually do. There are never any issues related to this in the beginning, but as described earlier, investing plenty of time to this rather than to something more productive has been brought up many times with different people. I’ve often also realized than I’m in a different age group to everyone else around. I’ve been in plenty of mixed gender societies, where all women disappear after a certain age, and only the men are left to discuss their music projects and preferences, favorite star trek episodes and what have you. I don’t consume much alcohol or use other substances.

This was the second time I dated someone much younger, but obviously earlier on my exes were of similar age, but I was younger as well. I don’t see any reason why I couldn’t date anyone my age, it’s just that the probabilities are low, if I don’t actually meet them in real life and/or their priorities are much different.  In my previous relationship I had also subtly bough into the idea of starting a family someday, which comes with its age restrictions.  Already 8 years ago, when I was actively looking for someone to date, the whole thing seemed to be burdened by women wishing to get their families started ASAP. I may not be too old for that now, but if it takes me anything close to 6 years to get over this, I will most definitely be.

So there, lots of speculation, a bit of mid-age crisis, a bitter cocktail not entirely connected to me losing her Some good old pessimism I need some outlet for, as I’d be too ashamed to share such biased views of reality in person.   

  

Yes, to be honest, it does sound a bit like a mid-age crisis. I also had it during the year preceding that last breakup, it’s quite real. I also speculated quite a lot, mused in a melancholic fashion and lamented my lost youth. 

All I can say is that speculations are just that, speculations. And they are, frankly, quite pointless. Life never quite turns out the way we expect it to. We absolutely cannot guess what will happen to us, where life will take us. One of the most typical symptoms of a man’s mid-age crisis is the feeling of being uprooted, left behind, no longer pacing together with the times. This is just a mood and it will definitely pass. Just hang in there while you are being reconditioned for the next phase of your life.

[WaywardSon]

51 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Yes, to be honest, it does sound a bit like a mid-age crisis. I also had it during the year preceding that last breakup, it’s quite real. I also speculated quite a lot, mused in a melancholic fashion and lamented my lost youth. 

All I can say is that speculations are just that, speculations. And they are, frankly, quite pointless. Life never quite turns out the way we expect it to. We absolutely cannot guess what will happen to us, where life will take us. One of the most typical symptoms of a man’s mid-age crisis is the feeling of being uprooted, left behind, no longer pacing together with the times. This is just a mood and it will definitely pass. Just hang in there while you are being reconditioned for the next phase of your life.

Yeah it’s real. From an evolutionary standpoint it’s quite natural. Our psyche is prepared to go lay down, even if our bodies are supposed to take another 40 years. My father is an 80-year-old widow and we seem to have similar mindsets.  

Did you see your midlife crisis as being a contributing factor to your break-up?

May I ask what age is your current spouse? Do you have children?

[Gebidozo]

19 hours ago, WaywardSon said:

Yeah it’s real. From an evolutionary standpoint it’s quite natural. Our psyche is prepared to go lay down, even if our bodies are supposed to take another 40 years. My father is an 80-year-old widow and we seem to have similar mindsets.  

Did you see your midlife crisis as being a contributing factor to your break-up?

May I ask what age is your current spouse? Do you have children?

Of course my midlife crisis was a contributing factor to my breakup, but, in retrospect, it was more like a wake-up call. There were too many things wrong with my mentality, and the crisis helped illuminate them.

My current spouse is 30.

I have a son from a previous marriage, he is 15 now.

[WaywardSon]

Not having any children, if not a separate crisis, surely still contributes to the crisis of being caught between the two worlds: feeling forced out of youth but not having that adult family life either. Luckily my sister has children so there is at least that broader family.

3 months in, I feel worse than at the beginning. At first, I was in an emergency mode, getting some comfort from being able to handle small tasks. Now I realize that’s the only comfort in the pipeline. I also had these false hopes that there would be something that would change the situation in some way, not from her, but from cosmos, I don’t know how to explain it.  When I was younger, I often felt that either cosmos or God was giving me great things, lessons, gifts and whatever, or that I was myself able to manifest them. One way to explain the experience with mid-age crisis is that suddenly you feel like being forgotten and cut-off from all that. That it’s all just a monolog.

So yeah, there hasn’t been anything.  And maybe like they say, it should come from within. I think part of the problem leading to this was that there was very little there to begin with, not related to her I mean. No plans, dreams or motivations of my own. There used to be plenty, I’ve just struggled to create new ones.  

For brief moments I feel angry, for brief moments I’m approving of the fact there was no way this could have gone any differently. I miss her 95% of the time. Sometimes I feel calm, as there has to be some sense to all this, but not without us getting back together in a way I can’t really fathom. Unlike in the past, I really have no access to a hope of any kind that life would be good in such a way, that not living in the past would be an option.