Meeting my half sister for the first time

[Raddu]

I know I'm starting kinda abruptly, but the subject is pretty complicated so here goes.

My dad raped some women in Poland in his youth and then ran back to Romania when I was born to my mother, who was in a consensual relationship with her.

 

So a few months ago I got in contact with what would be my half sister from a woman he raped and we decided to meet. We didn't run a DNA test or anything, but based on what my father and her mother said, we are quite sure we are related.

 

Next week we will meet, we are both 32 years old (she is a month older) and we will meet in Romania since she will come visit here. I am romanian and she is polish as I said.

 

My question would be, what do I say? While we did talk about alot of stuff online, somehow it feels much more serious now that we meet in person.

 

I know she said that what my dad did to her mom was horrible, but I was thinking that without that she wouldn't exist.

 

Should I bring it up, either that or my dad situation, but she will probably wanna talk about it.

Maybe just focus on what we've been doing?

 

I'm way more nervous than I should be, but I want to make a good impression.

Got any advice for me?

[MsJayne]

I’d wait for her to bring up the topic, and then tread very carefully. May I ask what made you contact her, and how does she feel towards your father? In her shoes, I’d probably only be coming to meet you in order to get to him, with the intention of him paying for his crime. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Just show up.  And for an encounter like this one, go ahead and extend the greeting. Did you encounter traffic? Have you been here before? Would you like X to eat or drink?

Prolonging the greeting and doing lots of small talk at the start is all your friend here. Smalltalk can break the ice and allow people time to let their nerves settle. I used to be a reporter and I learned that at the start of every awkward conversation in person, it was best to small talk and then I would get serious and ask the awkward questions I came to ask. 

You and she are not likely to become very close, but that's not the big point. The big point is that just your willingness to meet her could prove enormously healing for her--and for you. Hug if that works (can do at start or at the end). 

So go in assuming that's she's strong and OK and you don't need to rescue her or fix her or change her life in a dramatic way. She can take the lead on questions. No, you don't need to apologize for your father. Or let me put it this way, do think hard about whether you want to speak directly about your father's malicious role in her birth. There will be time to speak about your father's actions, but no need to rush that or to assume she needs that on this meeting. 

Just showing up knowing is a good thing. And play it by ear. You can even say, "this is awkward. I'm not sure what to say to you, but I wanted to meet you."

My uncle had a son that he spent zero time with. The son came to my uncle's funeral--he had nothing to say. But he seemed pleased that our side of the family reached out to him to notify him (or his mother) that his father (my uncle) had died. My parents welcomed the son for dinner at their home. I was there. The son had a good time it seemed. He sent my parents a thank you card. But there's been no further contact. I think he got what he needed: acknowledgement from his father's sisters and brothers.

It's OK for you to be guarded here. And it's OK if she asks a question and you say you don't feel comfortable answering the question. You can give yourself time to think and consult with family members and then get together with her again and share more. You are taking a step that I think you will feel quite proud about as the year go on. You're doing her a kind thing, but you're also acting out of your own integrity and compassion and appreciation for family. 

I've heard of cases where the person in your sister's position just needed to meet the person in your position once. One time was enough to allow the person to connect the dots and find out about this "other family" and make some sense of their life. Just show up--that's the gift you're giving her. You're acknowledging her! The rest you can play by ear. 

Now the truth is her mother suffered a trauma that resulted in her birth, so it's pretty much a given that this woman suffered some from her mother's trauma. Some mothers who give birth after rape do bond deeply with the child who resulted from the rape. Other mothers feel like the kid reminds them of the assault and of their rapist. Doubtless, many mothers in this situation have mixed feelings of love toward the child and reminder of the assault.  You can't solve all of that and you certainly can't solve it on a first meeting. And you don't know where this sister stands in this situation. But you are opening a door for her. Quite generously, I should say. And quite courageously. 

Praise to you. 

 

 

Edited February 25 by Lotsgoingon