People with more life experience than myself, what matters most in a potential LTR?

[CarterS]

 

I’m a 30M and have been dating a 25F for 3 1/2 months. What is your opinion on what should matter in a potential long term relationship?

 

To the point:

I know money isn’t everything, but a lot of arguments in relationships and marriage stem from financial woes. I come from a family of nothing and have worked my tail off to break into the Toronto real estate market by buying my first 1bed condo in the heart of downtown last yr Feb. At 25 I didn’t have my life together, to be frank I only started saving for the purchase of my first place at 25 however, my life and her life look very different at 25. To continue to strive for the goals that I have in place for myself, while taking a step back to; teach her how to drive, or support her through her first trip down post secondary education, or help her get cellphone services back online after they cut it off next time would be a huge undertaking that I don’t want to have to undergo if money truly isn’t everything, and it’s the person you have beside you. 

 

For context:

We have the same views on cultural/world events, politics, and religion. She’s easy to talk to about things that come up, and is always down to try new things, she’s a fun extrovert when we aren’t arguing about my female friends. She has shown herself to be extremely jealous, we argue about my female friends checking in with me, and what my dynamics look like with them, it’s very possessive and I’ve never done anything wrong! All I do is work and come home! Though through conversation you learn that the things she’s gone through has formed her views on those types of dynamics, however it’s not my job to play therapist to help her work through that not all guys are dogs. It’s exhausting. Her mother is on disability and she has had to step in as the sole provider for her two younger siblings (6M, 10F) for the last 6 years. Her adept ability to take care of kids and parent/discipline them is something I really value in her as I would want kids in my immediate future. However I want her to be better off financially first if we were to get serious because life is expensive. All of her income goes towards their rental 3 bedroom apartment, and the bills associated with it. I feel as though if I were to continue dating her, we would never be financially free because I would never want her to support her family less, but I don’t make enough to support her and (our) kids while paying for my mortgage and bills by myself. While we’ve been dating for this short while I’ve paid for everything, which I genuinely don’t mind doing. However I’d be lying if I said that sometimes I didn’t want to be treated. For example, Christmas I bought her a iPhone 15 because her current iphone was cracked and been covered in black spots and she couldn’t afford a new phone because of how her life looks. I got 2 pairs of socks, blistex, and a pair of boxers. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately after 16 weeks dating you have identified an enormous amount of red flags and deal breakers from jealousy to her financial disadvantages.

It may be time to reflect if you are compatible if you feel you have to "teach" her everything and change her to become more like you or your ideal of a partner. 

[Alpacalia]

You can't value her for caring for her siblings and then be mad about her spending money for them

Her family and financial situation are a part of who she is. You cannot pick and choose which parts of her you value, and then get upset about the impact those parts have on your potential future together.

Her ability to care for and support her siblings is a admirable quality, and it shows that she is responsible and caring. However, it also means that she has less money to spend on herself and potentially on you. So, you've got some tough decisions to make.

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, CarterS said:

She has shown herself to be extremely jealous, we argue about my female friends checking in with me, and what my dynamics look like with them, it’s very possessive and I’ve never done anything wrong! ....It’s exhausting

There's a very simple answer to this one: Don't engage. If she raises the topic, tell her that you're not going to have this discussion.  If she continues, then end it by leaving the conversation by whatever means you have.  Go off line - or walk away from her - or ask her to leave your place.  She can't argue with you if you're not participating in the discussion

31 minutes ago, CarterS said:

To continue to strive for the goals that I have in place for myself, while taking a step back to; teach her how to drive, or support her through her first trip down post secondary education, or help her get cellphone services back online after they cut it off next time.....However I want her to be better off financially first if we were to get serious because life is expensive.    

It's not appropriate for you to be putting your own goals on her.  The better question is what does SHE want for herself?  

31 minutes ago, CarterS said:

However I’d be lying if I said that sometimes I didn’t want to be treated. For example, Christmas I bought her a iPhone 15 because her current iphone was cracked and been covered in black spots and she couldn’t afford a new phone because of how her life looks. I got 2 pairs of socks, blistex, and a pair of boxers. 

You already know she's skint.  What did you expect? 

[Gaeta]

16 hours ago, CarterS said:

For example, Christmas I bought her a iPhone 15 because her current iphone was cracked and been covered in black spots and she couldn’t afford a new phone because of how her life looks. I got 2 pairs of socks, blistex, and a pair of boxers. 

You buy a $1,500 phone to a 3 month girlfriend and she buys you something under $50. I say this girl is the financially responsible one.

Life is testing her in every way possible and she is taking on the challenge full force. I think she has amazing qualities for a young woman her age.

That being said your paths and goals don't align. You are building your self up and she is on survival mode. She has issues from her past relationship and l doubt she has the $150/hr to talk it over with a therapist.

It's time to part ways. 

Edited February 25, 2024 by Gaeta

[Els]

She's 25 and taking care of 2 young siblings - I'm not sure it's humanly possible for her to be any better off financially. Also, AFAIK in Canada (as in most of the developed world) childcare is quite expensive. So if you intend on having kids in the "immediate future" with any 25-yo woman, unless 1 or both of you is lucky enough to have a lucrative part-time or flexible/remote job, realistically speaking you are going to have to be able to cover the bills and mortgage by yourself anyway. Because even if she's working full-time and not financially supporting siblings, a 25-yo is unlikely to earn enough to exceed the cost of childcare for 2 kids - so either she doesn't work and takes care of the kids, or she works and her entire paycheck goes to childcare.

To be clear, you don't owe her anything and it's fine to leave. You two sound incompatible anyway, especially with the jealousy issues. But I also think that you will need to adjust your expectations re: when/if you have kids and your reliance on your partner's income, especially if you continue to date women 5 years younger.