Am I looking too deep into this and should this be my final straw to call the wedding off?

[Beautiful Kisses]

Ok I’m engaged and I was happy to be up until I read responses on my last post and it made me think I might be in trouble but instead of just throwing in the towel abruptly I suggested counseling and anger management he said absolutely not we don’t need other people in our business. Well today we were out around other  couples and singles playing games we played scrabble and was having fun. When he went to put the game away the pieces were falling all over the floor so I went to get up from my chair to help him pick them up and he looked at me with a mean face and said “I dare you to get up, sit down I got it” I said why what’s wrong ? he said oh you’re whole a** would be out and I don’t want nobody else looking at your body. I literally had on sweats a top and a long cardigan over it because I get cold easily. I said see what I’m completely covered? So then I asked would you really had gotten mad if I helped pick up the pieces and he said yea sit your a** down i don’t need you to do that. I said ok and just changed the subject. I feel like that was way over the top but I know he’s protective so maybe you guys may think I’m overreacting and it’s a “guy” idk. 

[BaileyB]

If a man spoke to me that way it would be the last thing he ever said to me.

I would be out the door and down the street so fast, he wouldn’t even have a chance to say goodbye and wish me well…

[Wiseman2]

Did your friends witness this? Please read up on abusive relationships. A link was provided on your other thread to get information, advice support and help. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I’d be gone too. I definitely would not marry him without him getting help for his controlling and demeaning behavior. Once you are married odds are extremely high that he will get worse and worse, start to isolate you even more, control every move you make.

 

[Beautiful Kisses]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did your friends witness this? Please read up on abusive relationships. A link was provided on your other thread to get information, advice support and help. 

No because he whispered it to me  I told my mom and she was like oh men get like that when other people are around 

 

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did your friends witness this? Please read up on abusive relationships. A link was provided on your other thread to get information, advice support and help. 

 

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

No because he whispered it to me  I told my mom and she was like oh men get like that when other people are around 

I'm so sad that your mom thinks this is normal - was your father abusive?  Or perhaps her father? 

 

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

I told my mom and she was like oh men get like that when other people are around 

No, they do not. 

[Wiseman2]

It's hard to believe you let him treat you this way no less want to marry him. 

Perhaps the only thing harder is to believe is that your mother thinks this abuse is normal. 

"my mom and she was like oh men get like that when other people are around" 

[Beautiful Kisses]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's hard to believe you let him treat you this way no less want to marry him. 

Perhaps the only thing harder is to believe is that your mother thinks this abuse is normal. 

"my mom and she was like oh men get like that when other people are around" 

She said it’s a “guy thing” they get territorial. I asked him about this situation in privacy because I’m not one to cause a scene. And I asked him exactly why he made that a big deal because it’s bothering me and he said because he didn’t want me doing no work 

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

She said it’s a “guy thing” they get territorial. I asked him about this situation in privacy because I’m not one to cause a scene. And I asked him exactly why he made that a big deal because it’s bothering me and he said because he didn’t want me doing no work 

It's not a guy thing.   And what does he mean by he 'didn't want you doing no work'?   It makes no sense in the context of what happened

Edited February 24, 2024 by basil67

[Beautiful Kisses]

32 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's not a guy thing.   And what does he mean by he 'didn't want you doing no work'?   It makes no sense in the context of what happened

Exactly! He said he didn’t want me doing anything he “had it” 

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

 I told my mom and she was like oh men get like that when other people are around 

So, does your mum usually dismiss someone bullying you like that? If yes, here might be a clue as to why you think it's OK for him to treat you with complete disrespect - it's familiar. Maybe your mum comes from a background where abusive men were the norm, or maybe she doesn't get out much and doesn't know what domestic violence is, but I guarantee that your guy's behaviour isn't anything to do with his gender, it's everything to do with his personality, and that's the reason he refuses outside help, because he knows he can't manipulate other people, he can only manipulate you. A relationship counsellor would have his measure within the first ten minutes, and he knows that too, he's afraid of being exposed as the weakling he is. What would happen if you told him to shove his brainless opinions up his rear and that you weren't going to take orders from him any longer? A bashing? Yes, I think that's how it would probably turn out if you stopped letting him use you as a doormat. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dump this guy immediately. And go to counseling if you have to. Tell all your family and friends exactly how he acts. Share this behavior so they can back you up and stand with you as you cancel any wedding plans and cancel the relationship.

So sorry you ended up at this place. Do NOT get married thinking he will chance. He will become more threatening and more violent. Forget embarrassment, backing out is the only sane option. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

Exactly! He said he didn’t want me doing anything he “had it” 

Such a gentleman… not.

”I dare you to get up… sit your ass down.”

Thats not how a man who loves and respects a woman speaks to her.

He could simply have said, “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.” Instead, he is rude, disrespectful, and demeaning. That’s not ok - no matter how you try to spin this as a gallant gesture…

[Wiseman2]

Please read up on warning signs of abusive relationships. He has almost all of them. Your mother is incorrect and possibly brainwashed from abuse herself. Stop confiding in her and speak to domestic violence agencies for information support advice and help. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

She said it’s a “guy thing” they get territorial

Your mom doesn't know what she is talking about. 

This man is abusive to you. Yes, it's time to leave him. 

[Gaeta]

He's got so much in your head that now you can't tell what is right or wrong. That's how abusers take control over their partner.

Men being territorial is the same as men being possessive, it's about treating you like an object and not like a human being with her own mind that owns herself. Your mom may be the best loving mom but she thinks being possessive is normal, it's not. Normal men are not possessive, normal men are confident and don't need to tell their girlfriends how to act.

So you would have bent over and people would have seen your butt up, big deal !! So what? 

Your boyfriend uses with you a tone that is completely unacceptable. He is highly disrespectful of you.

Please, take 1 appointment with a therapist and tell them you think you're in an abusive relationship. You will learn a lot in 1 hour. Hopefully it will convince you to go see them again to help you rebuild your self worth. No woman that values herself would date this man. ( call your local domestic abuse hot line and talk to them)

Edited February 24, 2024 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

Ok I’m engaged and I was happy to be up until I read responses on my last post and it made me think I might be in trouble but instead of just throwing in the towel abruptly I suggested counseling and anger management he said absolutely not we don’t need other people in our business. Well today we were out around other  couples and singles playing games we played scrabble and was having fun. When he went to put the game away the pieces were falling all over the floor so I went to get up from my chair to help him pick them up and he looked at me with a mean face and said “I dare you to get up, sit down I got it” I said why what’s wrong ? he said oh you’re whole a** would be out and I don’t want nobody else looking at your body. I literally had on sweats a top and a long cardigan over it because I get cold easily. I said see what I’m completely covered? So then I asked would you really had gotten mad if I helped pick up the pieces and he said yea sit your a** down i don’t need you to do that. I said ok and just changed the subject. I feel like that was way over the top but I know he’s protective so maybe you guys may think I’m overreacting and it’s a “guy” idk. 

I really don't know how much more proof  you need to realize marrying this man would be the biggest mistake of your life.  Have you told your family how he treats you yet?  If not, do because someone needs to be aware of the danger you're in and support you to get away from him.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't understand this.  You have a thread where every single post tells you to RUN RUN RUN and here you go with another example that is actually exactly the same as the last ones:  he's a controlling, potentially dangerous a-hole.

So that was firmly established in the other thread.   More examples don't make it any different.

The advice is not going to be any different either.  

If you are not looking forward to a life of abuse, do not stay with this guy.  If you don't feel that you can leave, seek the support of supportive friends and family to help you get out.  Also you can talk to counselors at women's shelters.   

I understand that it can be very hard to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship but to continue to post examples of his horrid behavior is not helping yourself at all.

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

No because he whispered it to me  I told my mom and she was like oh men get like that when other people are around 

 

 

Now it makes sense. This is how you were raised...to accept this behaviour because "this is how men can get." I was in an abusive relationship, and when I read your post, it was like a gut punch. Your BF/fiance is an abusive A-hole....it sickens me to hear that is how he talks to you. GET OUT NOW! No one, and I mean not even a man that's supposed to love you should ever talk like that. He will go out of his way to completely oppress you. He will stop you from seeing friends, family....eventually it will get physical, once he knows he has you isolated and you have no support. He wants you to fear him.

 

Edited February 24, 2024 by smackie9

[smackie9]

On a side note: If that happened to my husband I would have laughed my a$$ off...probably start throwing pieces at each other making light of it.

[ShyViolet]

We already told you in your other thread, you are in an extremely abusive relationship and you need to get away from this man.  I don't know why you are still minimizing this and asking the same questions again.  How on earth are you still even considering marrying this guy?  You really need to work on your self-esteem.  You should be not only calling off the wedding but breaking up with this guy completely.

On 2/23/2024 at 7:24 PM, Beautiful Kisses said:

 I told my mom and she was like oh men get like that when other people are around 

I'm sorry but there is something seriously wrong with your mom if she would say this to you and think this is normal.  She is wrong and she clearly has issues of her own. I have had a lot of boyfriends in my life, I have never, ever had a man treat me this way or act like this to me.  Because I have the self-respect and common sense to cut them out of my life immediately if I recognize that someone is trying to be abusive towards me.

[Gaeta]

18 hours ago, smackie9 said:

eventually it will get physical

He has already started being physical. In her last thread she told a story of him grabbing her by the throat in an even theater.

 

 and called me a B. I was getting up to step outside for a little and he grabbed me by my throat hard but not a full choke  

Edited February 25, 2024 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He has already started being physical. In her last thread she told a story of him grabbing her by the throat in an even theater.

 

 and called me a B. I was getting up to step outside for a little and he grabbed me by my throat hard but not a full choke  

Maybe she should tell her mom about that and see what her reaction would be.

[NuevoYorko]

Is he jealous about attention you pay to your kids as well?  How about when the kids see their dad?  Is he reasonable about that?