Brambling Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 Hey everyone, I (F39) met a guy (M45) through a social online platform and dated him 4 times, then decided to stop it as I realised the relationship wouldn't work in the long term (it's long distance over 150 miles, and we don't have common interests). It's been a week and we've had no contact since. I don't know how he's doing and it worries me as my previous relationships were with men who threatened to hurt themselves when I left. I'm hoping he's ok, but I don't know and it would just make me feel better if I could find out. We don't have common friends, so there's no one I can ask. He's not been posting on our shared online space where we initially met and, of course, that worries me. Although I know he does login for brief instants, so I'm guessing he is not too bad, although that I can't know for sure from this information alone. Would it be a good idea to reach out by text message, to show him I do care and hope he's ok, and also I'd like to offer to leave this social platform if it's awkward for us both to be on there? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 No, it isn't your responsibility to check in on someone after a casual dating situation. There is nothing here to indicate that he is actually putting himself at risk and this reads like your own own issues becoming intrusive. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brambling Posted February 22 Author Share Posted February 22 Thanks Alpacalia. I know it's not my responsibility. I still feel some communication would be kind, as I am sharing that online space with him, and I'm happy to leave if that makes him more comfortable. He doesn't have another support network outside of this one (well not that I know of), whereas I do. It's also true that I may be reading too much into that situation and projecting. But other members of the platform are asking how he is, as he's not posting (whereas he usually is), so I'm feeling responsible and guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 (edited) Give it some time and it will likely pass. Are you having second thoughts? Honestly, I don't think reaching out by text message would be a good idea. It seems like you've already made the decision to end the relationship and it's important to stick to that. Reaching out this quickly after ending things could potentially send mixed signals and confuse both of you. Edited February 22 by Alpacalia 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brambling Posted February 22 Author Share Posted February 22 Thanks so much! Ah, you're probably right. I must not give in. No I'm not having second thoughts, I know I don't want to pursue this. I may be feeling guilty (disproportionately or rightly so?) for starting this dating in the first place, knowing that the distance would be a big hurdle, and already sensing it wouldn't work. Anyways, you are right, it's likely to be confusing for him if I do reach out. Maybe the best I could do is start posting again on our shared platform, and by doing so, showing that that I've moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 22 Share Posted February 22 I agree that you should leave him be. And honestly, if he's greatly upset about you deciding not to pursue after only four dates, that's a red flag in itself that you need to stay away. If he is upset, you're not the person who should be helping because it would get too complex in his head. If he needs support, he needs to reach out to a friend or therapist. Even though you didn't want long distance, there's nothing wrong with giving it a try. If you don't try, you don't know 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brambling Posted February 22 Author Share Posted February 22 Hey Basil, thanks a lot! Greatly appreciated, and Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 Just because the other man you previously dated threatened to hurt themselves does not mean this guy is suicidal after 4 dates. You would do better to assume that he's fine unless you have info to the contrary. If you do hear that he's threatening self harm call 911 & let the professionals handle this. If he is a genuine danger to himself they can put him on a 72 hour psych hold. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 It was only 4 dates. I think you are vastly over-estimating how upset he would be. Leave him be and try not to project your past negative experiences onto him. He's probably disappointed but otherwise fine. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brambling Posted February 23 Author Share Posted February 23 11 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Just because the other man you previously dated threatened to hurt themselves does not mean this guy is suicidal after 4 dates. You would do better to assume that he's fine unless you have info to the contrary. Hey Donnivain, thanks a lot. I think another reason I'm worrying is because we all have fragile mental health on that online space we share (sorry I'm being cryptic on purpose here about online space, for fear of being identified). Which makes my guilt worse: should I have engaged in the dating at all if I knew already that distance would be an issue? It would have been better and saved pain on both sides if I hadn't gone in in the first place. Anyways. it's a good lesson learnt. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 38 minutes ago, siskin2 said: should I have engaged in the dating at all if I knew already that distance would be an issue? It would have been better and saved pain on both sides if I hadn't gone in in the first place. Everybody is fragile. I agree with you. Don't worry about being cryptic to protect other's privacy. That is a good & kind thing. I tried being friends with somebody I met in a support group once. I mistakenly assumed the other members were like me. . . in need of support not completely dysfunctional. My bad. It turned out horribly but the counselors assured me that my heart was in the right place. As a broken bird myself I just didn't have the resources to support her through her issues. I see some of the same here with you & this guy. I'm going to reference a cliche to you because IMO it's true: 'Tis better to have loved & lost, then never to have loved at all. You saw something you liked in this guy, something worth exploring. You gave it a shot but it wasn't enough to have over come the distance. If something about this had been more, if that je ne sais quoi had been there, the distance would have been less of an issue. Rather than feeling guilty, use this as a learning experience. You mention past guys threatening self harm. Think about those past relationships & this one. What commonalities do you see? Something is repeatedly attracting you to these broken fragile partners. Part of it may be you & where your mental health is right now. Do you have a savior complex? Is your self worth such that you think you deserve these guys or that they are the best you can do? I know at low points in my life, that is when I picked the worst BFs. Once you can identify your pattern, whatever that is, you can break it to form healthier alliances going forward. For now, don't meddle. If you reach out he may misinterpret that as a desire to get back together. Giving him false hope is worse than just breaking up with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 He's more than likely just fine. He's probably moved on to another online platform to give himself a break from you and that platform. That's healthy. That's what I would do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 20 hours ago, siskin2 said: I know it's not my responsibility. I still feel some communication would be kind, as I am sharing that online space with him, No, it wouldn't be kind. It would be playing games with him. You only went on four dates with him, and then you broke it off. There is no reason for you to still be contacting him. Leave the man alone and let him move on. Contacting him would just be confusing and it would be sending him mixed messages. It's not your place to check on him and worry about his mental health. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 (edited) @siskin2 No need. He'll manage. If by some chance he felt you two could have worked out and feelings are still there, it's likely he'll misconstrue your reaching out for interest which will make things difficult for him and ultimately complicated for you. Let him be. Carry forward. Goodluck - Beach Edited February 23 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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