Girlfriend and her ex

[parker24]

Hi Loveshack people,

Myself (28M) and my girlfriend (26F) are in a very loving, healthy, and committed relationship. We’ve been together for about 8 months. She recently moved to a different state for grad school, and I followed her a few months later. We’ve been in the same city for a couple of months now. I need some advice on a situation: So she plays in an adult recreational soccer league with some friends of hers who she knew in college. I was also recently informed that her ex boyfriend (her only other long term relationship) and his new girlfriend moved together to the same city that we are currently in. He is also going to join the soccer league accordingly (her friends told her). While they won’t play on the same team, it still bothers me that they will more than likely see each other every week at these soccer games. I know he moved here with his girlfriend, and my girlfriend are in a very serious and loving relationship with virtually no issues. But it still bothers me. A lot of it stems from my long-term ex girlfriend cheating on me with her ex boyfriend in the past. The anxiety and trauma that caused is making me stress about this current situation, and I voiced that to her. I want her to do what she’s going to do and play in her league, of course because I don’t want my anxiety to prohibit that, that’s on me. Any advice with how to cope with this?

 

best wishes

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Do you have work, friends, family and interests and hobbies in your new location?

What was the rush after just 8 months dating to drop everything and follow her? Unfortunately you seem homesick and lonely and regretful. 

As far as her sports and friends, there's no not much you can do, however you can move back to your hometown and resume your own life there. 

[parker24]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Do you have work, friends, family and interests and hobbies in your new location?

What was the rush after just 8 months dating to drop everything and follow her? Unfortunately you seem homesick and lonely and regretful. 

As far as her sports and friends, there's no not much you can do, however you can move back to your hometown and resume your own life there. 

Hey, it really doesn’t have anything to do with being regretful or homesick. I really like my life here and haven’t thought of home once. I am extremely happy about my life here and the one we’ve created together. This instead has everything to do with her ex boyfriend and my past trauma 

[d0nnivain]

22 minutes ago, parker24 said:

. Any advice with how to cope with this?

Remind yourself that this is a coincidence.  Your GF is playing soccer as a recreational activity.  She is not there chasing her EX.  He'll be on the other team.  In the middle of a field is not the place for a romance.  If she sees him, says hi & makes some small talk that is not an affront to you. 

Don't assume she will cheat.  They broke up for a reason.  She's with you.    She's also not your EX.   

Do try to attend some of her games, not just when he's playing too, to cheer her on. 

 

Edited February 21 by d0nnivain

[Wiseman2]

Her ex BF and his new GF all play sports together. Why don't you attend some games and befriend these people to assuage some unfounded jealousy? 

[parker24]

24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Remind yourself that this is a coincidence.  Your GF is playing soccer as a recreational activity.  She is not there chasing her EX.  He'll be on the other team.  In the middle of a field is not the place for a romance.  If she sees him, says hi & makes some small talk that is not an affront to you. 

Don't assume she will cheat.  They broke up for a reason.  She's with you.    She's also not your EX.   

Do try to attend some of her games, not just when he's playing too, to cheer her on. 

 

Thanks for the pep talk. These are the things I am trying to tell myself. I am generally a confident guy, and not very jealous. I think most of this anxiety stems from what my ex girlfriend did to me. But I do know this is different, and just need to trust my current girlfriend because she has shown me that I can 

[Wiseman2]

Please try not to sabotage your current relationship with baggage from an ex. Why let someone you're no longer with have the power to make you unhappy in your present situation? 

[parker24]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please try not to sabotage your current relationship with baggage from an ex. Why let someone you're no longer with have the power to make you unhappy in your present situation? 

You are totally right. I feel like I have removed all of my baggage and bad relationship habits before getting into my current one. I spent about 3 years by myself and casually dating before this. It really helped me figure myself out. But this anxiety from the past seems to be the only thing lingering. But I know you’re right. This is a different person and I need to acknowledge that

[MsJayne]

You cope with it by stepping outside of the scenario and looking at it objectively. So far, you have zero evidence that your current girl would cheat on you, you have a healthy and happy relationship, and she's planning a future with you. Unless her ex is a crazy stalker, him and his partner moving to the same city is purely coincidence, and he joined the soccer club because it sounds like he knows a few people in it, not because your girl's a member. It doesn't sound like your girl's secretly fantasising about getting into a two-person scrum with him, it's just a common sporting interest, and if they had an amicable break-up it's likely you'll end up having a beer with him and his girlfriend after a game some time. Don't make it bigger than it is, at such an early stage of your relationship it could do a lot of damage if you start making wild assumptions based on what one person did to you. 

[smackie9]

There's nothing there to have anxiety over. Reality is, everyone will run into, be near or say hi to an ex. It's inevitable. You are 28 now, time to move past this jealousy stuff. In your childhood, was there some kind of abandonment? Usually a fear of loss is the root to having feelings of jealousy/anxiety. Also being infatuated/love can cause such feelings. 

[parker24]

37 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You cope with it by stepping outside of the scenario and looking at it objectively. So far, you have zero evidence that your current girl would cheat on you, you have a healthy and happy relationship, and she's planning a future with you. Unless her ex is a crazy stalker, him and his partner moving to the same city is purely coincidence, and he joined the soccer club because it sounds like he knows a few people in it, not because your girl's a member. It doesn't sound like your girl's secretly fantasising about getting into a two-person scrum with him, it's just a common sporting interest, and if they had an amicable break-up it's likely you'll end up having a beer with him and his girlfriend after a game some time. Don't make it bigger than it is, at such an early stage of your relationship it could do a lot of damage if you start making wild assumptions based on what one person did to you. 

Thanks, I needed that. She has repeatedly shown me how much she loves me and cares about what we have, along with building a future together. Taking a step back and viewing it from an outsider view really helps me

[parker24]

28 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

There's nothing there to have anxiety over. Reality is, everyone will run into, be near or say hi to an ex. It's inevitable. You are 28 now, time to move past this jealousy stuff. In your childhood, was there some kind of abandonment? Usually a fear of loss is the root to having feelings of jealousy/anxiety. Also being infatuated/love can cause such feelings. 

Agreed. No abandonment in my childhood. I think most of it stems from my prior relationships. Like I mentioned, one of them cheated on me with their ex. And another one would leave me for people they would tell me not to worry about

[mark clemson]

Since your worries, while understandable given your past experiences, are "pre-emptive" and (as you recognize) have little to do with your current GF, possibly you could consider therapy to help you process your past experiences?

I think this sort of thing could come up no matter who you date, so perhaps best to attempt to deal with the "root" of the issue.

[GypsyArcher]

We don't own people and there are no guarantees in life. I'm not saying "expect the worst" but there is always the possibility in any relationship of people growing apart or falling out of love or meeting someone else. 

If you put SO much of yourself into another person that losing them causes trauma, then that is dangerous. 

[Ami1uwant]

On 2/21/2024 at 11:00 AM, parker24 said:

Hey, it really doesn’t have anything to do with being regretful or homesick. I really like my life here and haven’t thought of home once. I am extremely happy about my life here and the one we’ve created together. This instead has everything to do with her ex boyfriend and my past trauma 

This is irrational and immature.

 

if you live in the same toen and had past relationships you are likely going to have common friends with exes or run into the exes in the same social circles

 

[Ami1uwant]

On 2/26/2024 at 4:20 PM, GypsyArcher said:

We don't own people and there are no guarantees in life. I'm not saying "expect the worst" but there is always the possibility in any relationship of people growing apart or falling out of love or meeting someone else. 

If you put SO much of yourself into another person that losing them causes trauma, then that is dangerous. 

I guess you can get killed the next time you drive your car or cross the street…..

[Gaeta]

Your girlfriend's ex has a girlfriend, you really think that girlfriend is gonna let this guy free to roam around and reconnect with his ex? Never in a million year!

[parker24]

Update on this situation:

Because she has mutual friends with her ex, her ex ended up joining her existing soccer team. Yesterday was their first game and I’ve had a ton of anxiety over it. I’ve told her how I feel and she had been super receptive and accommodating. It’s a tough position to be in because she shows me how much she loves me and our relationship, so I have that reassurance. And at the same time I don’t want to be the one to tell her she can’t play on her soccer team because of this, I don’t want to be controlling or that kind of boyfriend. I think this is just something I need to get over and just trust in the relationship we have. Thoughts?

[basil67]

Yes, if you don’t want to be the controlling boyfriend, you need to get over it. And further, don’t be telling her your feelings about it.  It’s super important that you learn to manage it on your own and don’t make this her problem

[Gaeta]

@parker24: You have to learn to let go of your fear. If she cheats then she cheats. There is nothing you can do to stop it. And if she cheats you will be just fine. You had a life before her, you'll have a life after her. You'll move on and fall in love again with someone better. 

Do you go see her play? If they start talking them she'll introduce you. He'll introduce his girlfriend, that way that might break the ice for you. 

[d0nnivain]

You are correct.  You can't tell her not to play on the team. 

Go to the games.  Cheer her on.  Be there with your arm around her afterwards staking your claim & making it super clear without words to the EX that she's taken.   Hopefully by next season you will be more comfortable with the whole thing.