Bf´s messages with ex seem romantic, while we are in a relationship.

[siso_o]

Hello. I am writing here as I, honestly, do not know who else to turn to. I believe my boyfriend had feelings for his ex while we were in a relationship, and there are some pretty telling messages... 

Me and my boyfriend met in 2019, and have been together ever since and, honestly, our relationship has been a mess and I am only now coming to terms with all the boundaries that I let be broken without doing something at the time. Now I feel like I am completely stuck. I love him, and leaving him seems like the hardest thing on earth to do. I just need to hear peoples opnions on this, as I feel like I am going crazy. 

We met in 2019 while working together, and after knowing each other for 2 weeks, we slept together. Problem was: we were both seeing other people at the time. Not in a relationship, but romantically seeing other people. Before we even kissed, I sat down with him and asked him about the girl he was seeing and if he was sure he wanted to get involved with me and what he would do, to which he replied that "things with her were not going anywhere". I also told him about the guy that I was seeing. After he told me that things with her were not going anywhere, we got involved, as I took that as a way of him saying that he won´t see her anymore. 

After that, we spent 2 weeks working together and were envolved during that time, and after that I had to go back to my home country, I told him he should come and visit me sometime, to which he replied he would love to. But, a few weeks after that he messaged me saying he was going to spend two weeks with the girl he had been before. ( She had invited him a while back to go and see her at the end of summer, she invited him in May of 2019, and me and him met in July 2019).

I am honestly not sure what I though at the time, but I think I just thought we were going to continue living our lives and seeing other people. They slept together on the first night he arrived. He says it was a mistake and that he got too drunk, and that he didn´t know how things would go with me. That he was terrified that I would reject him if he told me how he really felt about me, and he was also scared that I was still seeing the guy I told him about when we met.

He said that on the second day, when he woke up, he regreted what had happened and that the same day he told her about me that he had gotten involved with me and that he liked me and wanted to see how things would go. He says that the rest of those two weeks they were there as friends, so he basically broke up whatever it is that he had with her. 

Fasting forward, I always knew they were still in communication, as they remained friends like he said. 

However, I have found out recently, that in 2020 he sent her a book with a letter. That book costs around 100 euros...So I snapped and asked him to show me the messages from 2019 with her. 

She sent him a message thanking him for the gitf saying  "it was the best thing she received in her life, that he is the only man who has touched her heart, that she has missed him so much from her days, how his presence just makes her days better and how he completely knows her heart" to which he replied that she knows his heart too, and very few people do, that she understands him and very few people do and that she could say more to him with one look  than one hour conversation with a lot of people. Also in 2020, he said to her "would be great to speak again soon, I do miss your voice". 

And this is not all, I guess at some points in the beggining of our relationship I felt insecure with him having a friendship with her so at some point in 2021, he mentioned her a few times and I freaked out and asked why and if he had any feelings, to which he replied he didnt. A few weeks after this, he told me he loved me for the first time when we got drunk at a party and he said that "there was still some attraction there for her". I confronted him the next day and he says that is not what he meant, that he meant attracton has in attracted to her as a person, as a friend. So I have been quite traumatised about their relationship since this one specific incited, ans this has led to me asking to see the messages. 

I know this is a super weird timeline, and probably a confusing story to understand. My biggest fear is that he had feelings for this person while he was in a relationship with me. I am absolutely shocked with these messages, I never thought they communicated in this way and I honestly dont know how to go on. I think I also have developed or have flared my OCD and I have repetitive, intrusive, constant thoughts about this every day. My menatl health is declining to a low point that I have never experienced in my life. I honestly just feel so stupid, I feel like I should have not even gave him a chance the moment after he met me and decided to go see her for two week, that I should have left him when he said that there was still some attraction there for her. 

I have undermined my feelings, I thoiught that I was beeing crazy, I thought why would he be with me if he still had feelings for her? But now after reading these messages? They seem romantic to me. It does not seem like what friends would text to each other.

We have been talking about this for months now, especially since I found out about the book and the value of the book. I honestly do not know what to do. He swears on my life, he continues saying that he did not have feelings for her, that he went to see her those two weeks with the intention of breaking things of with her because he wanted to be with me. But I just keep having this feeling that he had unresolved romantic feelings for her, as it is the only way I can explain these messages between them, it is the only way I can explain that he would go out of his way to send her a meaningful, expensive book, with a letter. While at the same time, he did not sens me anything at that time. 

He says that for a long time in our relationship he was extremely insecure that I would leave him, that that is why he also took a long time to tell mehe loved me and that m,ight also be the reason he would focus on friends more. But i just dont believe it. Who is in love with someone and decides to send an expensive gift to an ex? 

I feel like during our relationship I overlooked things because I truly loved him, but now I just feel like I deserve something better. I know he truly loves me, that is not even a question, but I doubt his feelings in the beggining of our relationship, I doubt what his intentions were with me.

Edited February 21, 2024 by siso_o

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low, but don't be too hard on yourself about letting this guy overstep your boundaries, he sounds manipulative. His explanation of what happened on the trip he went on with his ex sounded believable up until the gifting of the expensive book and the saccharine messages between them ().  I suspect that his version of events is a load of horse-s**t, and that in reality he was hoping to sort out his relationship with her, using you as a back-up plan if she rejected him. I'd be wanting to know what was in the letter he sent with the book, I think the truth would be contained therein. If it was anything like the messages you'd have to be careful you didn't slide into a diabetic coma while reading it. You're right to feel he's undermining your relationship by clinging on to this closeness with his ex, the book was a carefully thought-out exercise in maintaining and strengthening a bond with her. Expensive brown-nosing. You're a smart woman, go with your gut feeling and your logic, ignore the heart when it starts mounting a defence case for him. 

[Wiseman2]

 The fact that he also took a long time to tell you he loved you is a red flag. Please trust your instincts. He's been holding a torch for her all along and gaslighting you. He seems quite toxic if your mental health is suffering.

Please set yourself free and cut your losses. Please talk to trusted friends and family and a therapist for support. Please find a way to sever things if you live together. 

[Lotsgoingon]

If the messages with his ex seem romantic, they ARE romantic. Red flag. Start getting real. You may need to ditch this guy. And do NOT get into a bunch of conversations unless you ready to see the truth. It's so tempting to ask him for reassurance, when his actions are NOT reassuring.

Guys like this will spin all kinds of reassuring lines and they will mean nothing. And the temptation of the person in your position is to allow themselves to be reassured by fake lines. The actions, including the lies and delays in telling you the truth, are all that matter here.

[siso_o]

17 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low, but don't be too hard on yourself about letting this guy overstep your boundaries, he sounds manipulative. His explanation of what happened on the trip he went on with his ex sounded believable up until the gifting of the expensive book and the saccharine messages between them ().  I suspect that his version of events is a load of horse-s**t, and that in reality he was hoping to sort out his relationship with her, using you as a back-up plan if she rejected him. I'd be wanting to know what was in the letter he sent with the book, I think the truth would be contained therein. If it was anything like the messages you'd have to be careful you didn't slide into a diabetic coma while reading it. You're right to feel he's undermining your relationship by clinging on to this closeness with his ex, the book was a carefully thought-out exercise in maintaining and strengthening a bond with her. Expensive brown-nosing. You're a smart woman, go with your gut feeling and your logic, ignore the heart when it starts mounting a defence case for him. 

I have unfortunately made the mistake of asking him to ask her to send a photo of the letter. Obviously, the b**** has lied multiple times about trying to find the book and the letter and has not sent it. ( I think on purpose). She also, on an audio yo him asking about why he is asking for the letter tried to call me jealous and said that my boyfiredn should not blame himself for this situation. She honestly just seems like an awful person as well, who while knowing he was in a relationship with me was consciously sendimg him messages saying " hes the only man whos touched her heart". Just honestly I am sad that such sad people like them are affecting my life this way, just wish they had actually stayed together after me and my bf met and I would have never had to deal with this...

I have asked him what wss on the letter, he says that it was nothing special, that it was a letter to a friend. 

I just cannot believe he still has the audacity to lie to my face, every single day, about not having feelings. He says from the moment he met me he wanted to marry me and would have if he knew I wanted him when we met. I just feel so stupid. I cannot believe anything he says now after reading those messages. 

Edited February 22, 2024 by siso_o

[Wiseman2]

 That he said from the moment he met me he wanted to marry me is a red flag, among so many others.

However the biggest red flag is him holding a torch and chasing her. Unfortunately she's not the problem, your BF is. He's the one pursuing her. It's never too late to recover your life and cut your losses. 

Edited February 22, 2024 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

16 minutes ago, siso_o said:

I have unfortunately made the mistake of asking him to ask her to send a photo of the letter. Obviously, the b**** has lied multiple times about trying to find the book and the letter and has not sent it. ( I think on purpose). She also, on an audio yo him asking about why he is asking for the letter tried to call me jealous and said that my boyfiredn should not blame himself for this situation.  

Yep, they’re both full of it. I’d be escorting him to the door. Tell him to go to the nearest bookshop and knock himself out buying gifts for his friend, maybe she needs a hardback copy of ‘How To Stop Sh***ing On Other Women’. You can’t force her to show a letter which is technically hers, but you don’t need to see it because she’s already told you all you need to know by pretending she can’t find it. I wouldn’t believe anything he says, he sounds like he doesn’t have much of a conscience, and if you really meant so much to him he wouldn’t be sending gifts and letters to an ex. 

[siso_o]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

Yep, they’re both full of it. I’d be escorting him to the door. Tell him to go to the nearest bookshop and knock himself out buying gifts for his friend, maybe she needs a hardback copy of ‘How To Stop Sh***ing On Other Women’. You can’t force her to show a letter which is technically hers, but you don’t need to see it because she’s already told you all you need to know by pretending she can’t find it. I wouldn’t believe anything he says, he sounds like he doesn’t have much of a conscience, and if you really meant so much to him he wouldn’t be sending gifts and letters to an ex. 

That is exactly what I am thinking. The only problem as well is he just constantly gaslights me. He says he has bought really expensive gift like that for other friends ( a special, rare football t shirt for one of his friends, an expensive copy of a book for other friends- all male) he says that he sees no difference between male and female friends and that why he sent it.. I have told him that is not about the female/male difference, its about the fact that he has slept with her but hanst slept with any os his male friends.

 

I honeslty just need to let this go as I am clearly dealing with a completely emotionally imature man that I will never get what I want from a relationship with him. Juast honestly wish he had not pursued me after being with her and apparently breaking up with her. They just seem better suited together as people, both sad and pathetic. Biggest problem: I am still in love. So I really dont know how I will solve this. 

[Alpacalia]

Seems that your boyfriend has a pattern of jumping from one relationship to the next.

Both of you were seeing other people when you first got together, which is not a great start to a relationship. He also admitted that he had unresolved feelings for her while you were starting your relationship.

Why did you stay with him after he said that? It's not "already-everything-is-over", its" getting-to know-someone-you-are-attracted-to-and-building-trust and strong bond/friendship."

He was not truthful by discarding the truth of moving DIRECTLY into a affectionate relationship with you.

Classic rebound.

It probably won't be a great relationship long term, because if he didn't give himself enough time to really get over his ex, it's just flash in the pan, instant gratification.

Those doesn't usually work out.

[Wiseman2]

Agree they seem better suited for each other. He's holding a torch for her. She's not the problem, don't you see that?

She's not sending him expensive gifts so your BF-stealing theory is pure jealousy and not wanting to wrap your head around the truth that he's the problem. 

[siso_o]

I am not saying she was trying to "steal my bf" I think she has seeing someone at the time. But she did send him messages to get his attention, including telling him that she wants to jump on the first form of transport to see him, that she gets a sweet tender feeling from speaking to him. All I am saying is she was also clearly in the wrong, especilly as well considering she was probably hurting whoever she was in a relationship with. She wanted attention from him and is clearly a very sad, unresolved person, like him.

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, siso_o said:

I am not saying she was trying to "steal my bf" I think she has seeing someone at the time. But she did send him messages to get his attention, including telling him that she wants to jump on the first form of transport to see him, that she gets a sweet tender feeling from speaking to him. All I am saying is she was also clearly in the wrong, especilly as well considering she was probably hurting whoever she was in a relationship with. She wanted attention from him and is clearly a very sad, unresolved person, like him.

Your frustration is valid but you cannot control how she behaves. The only thing you can control is how you are going to deal with the situation. Some may choose to fight for the man. Some may choose to confront her. Some may choose to communicate with the man. Some may choose to not get involved. Each action comes with consequences.

Putting your own foot down is the best example of maturity. It's the moment you realize that you cannot save your partner from every single temptation. He must grow a moral backbone that can withstand any temptation. If he cannot do so, then you must carefully think of any consequences whether good or bad. And if his actions hurt you, trust is broken.

Basically, behavior, both good and bad, are products of choices. She made her choice when she started sending those messages. You also made a different choice when you put your foot down. She is therefore accountable to the choices she has made, just as you are accountable to yours.

Sometimes, to better understand others, we must also look at ourselves and how we relate with them. You must trust your own worth to see it is not dependent on what she says or does. If you are not affected by what she says or does, you can decide calmly, to stay or to leave, without being in the fight or flight response.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately your BF is driving this. Her morals are not your concern. It's much easier to demonize her than the ugly truth that your BF is the problem.  Sadly that won't resolve the issue. 

[mark clemson]

There are those in the world who "move on without having actually moved on" and would drop their current partner quickly should the Ex they are still fixated on suddenly become available. It's not overly common, but it's out there. If you genuinely believe your BF is one of those, it may be wise to consider cutting bait...

[siso_o]

42 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

There are those in the world who "move on without having actually moved on" and would drop their current partner quickly should the Ex they are still fixated on suddenly become available. It's not overly common, but it's out there. If you genuinely believe your BF is one of those, it may be wise to consider cutting bait...

Well, I really don´t know... The things that makes the least sense in all of this is he did break things off with her to be with me. So then it makes it even harder to explain those messages...

[mark clemson]

Perhaps he is not hung up on her in this way then.

If that's the case, consider just insisting he end all contact with her so you can be done with this as a "distraction" from your relationship. IMO, while partners should certainly be "allowed" to have friends, if one thinks a specific friend is a threat to the relationship (as is clearly the case here since you are mulling over ending things over their contact) then you should have the "right" to insist that contact with the specific friend end or be minimized. Your BF can go find other friends, it doesn't need to be her.

Sending expensive gifts and receiving flirty texts from a new "friend" (in the future) would be a red flag that he's likely "needs" or strongly desires this sort of thing. If that's the case, you'd have to consider what sorts of behaviors you're willing/not willing to tolerate in a partner.

Edited February 22, 2024 by mark clemson

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, siso_o said:

The only problem as well is he just constantly gaslights me. He says he has bought really expensive gift like that for other friends ( a special, rare football t shirt for one of his friends, an expensive copy of a book for other friends- all male) he says that he sees no difference between male and female friends and that why he sent it.. I have told him that is not about the female/male difference, its about the fact that he has slept with her but hanst slept with any os his male friends.

Yes, he's definitely gas-lighting you. Did he send deep and meaningful letters to his male friends with their gifts, and did they respond with sugary declarations about their deep and meaningful connection with him? Even though you feel you're in love with him, the quickest way to resolve this is to end it, very abruptly. A certain type of personality operates the way he does, and they rarely change. Even if you saw the letter and it declared undying love for the ex, he'd still try convince you that you're wrong. This is the real him, he's showing you who he is. The next scene in this script is where you demand that he cease contact with her, and then he accuses you of being controlling and starts telling his friends that you're insanely jealous, he also starts making secret calls to Book Girl and discussing your relationship with her, (though it sounds like he's already doing this if she's comfortable putting you down to him). If it's any comfort, Book Girl doesn't really know him at all, much less have some amazing connection with him. If they have such a deep bond and there's sexual attraction, why aren't they together? Because they're as shallow and fake as each other.  He's toxic, that's why you're on here looking for an antidote. There's only one way to properly snuff out a gas-lighter, and that's to tell them that you find them to be full of s**t and want them out of your life. You'll be accused of over-reacting, be told you're making a big mistake, be told you're insecure and paranoid, all the standard ammunition of this personality type. What's really to love about someone who dismisses and invalidates your feelings?