Tre81NA Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 I've been with my fiancee 8 years and just when I thought things where going well, I'm hit with another dose of betrayal. The first time she put a title loañ on my car without telling me and the car got repoed and I forgave her. The second time we both saved 100k in a joint account and when I got ready to spend money there was not even a dollar in the account. She gave no explanation and there was nothing to show for it and no track record of where the money went and I forgave her. This time we're saving for a car since our other two cars got repoed two days after I noticed the 100k was gone because she got title loans on them without my knowledge and didn't pay them back and I forgave her. This time after being without a car for six months and finally thinking we had saved 10k saved for a car because I didn't want to jump into a car payment, she tells me the money is gone and there's no track record of where it went. I know I was and am a fool for trusting and forgiving her the first time and second time but I really do love her. My kids were 6 months and 2 years old when we met and they call her mom. I know I failed them and it's hard for me to let her go when I know that would hurt them and I'm already hurt because of the lies and constant betrayal. Why is it so hard for me to leave? Mind you I pay all the bills. All she has to do is manage the money and it seems like she burned me enough times for me to not continue going through this but I guess I deserve it for my stupidity. I just need some advice on how to get out of this abusive relationship without going crazy? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 Please take care of yourself and your children. Please sever All finances and gain control over your finances. Please remove her access to any money or accounts. Does she have drug, gambling or other problems? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tre81NA Posted February 15 Author Share Posted February 15 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Please take care of yourself and your children. Please sever All finances and gain control over your finances. Please remove her access to any money or accounts. Does she have drug, gambling or other problems? Nope. She doesn't smoke, drink or gamble. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 After all of the times you got burned, you still choose to give her the job of being in charge of managing the joint money. Dude, seriously??? You talk about your stupidity, but this is a whole new level of stupid decision making. At the very least, why weren't you checking the bank account regularly? And how is there no trail for where all this money went? I'm not sure I buying it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tre81NA Posted February 15 Author Share Posted February 15 13 minutes ago, basil67 said: After all of the times you got burned, you still choose to give her the job of being in charge of managing the joint money. Dude, seriously??? You talk about your stupidity, but this is a whole new level of stupid decision making. At the very least, why weren't you checking the bank account regularly? And how is there no trail for where all this money went? I'm not sure I buying it. I have back child support so I couldn't open an account in my name without them freezing the account. I put it in her account instead because I trusted her and she ensured me that the money was in there. Neither one of us goes anywhere or does anything. She would always keep me updated with the account telling me our current balance even before I could ask. The numbers always seemed right and I just trusted her word. Nothing seemed off until it was time to touch the money. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 (edited) Having back child support can get you in serious legal and financial trouble. Perhaps you could straighten this out first. This could be why your money is mysteriously disappearing and your cars are being repossessed. Check if there are court orders against you to garnish your assets and freeze your finances. Edited February 15 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tre81NA Posted February 15 Author Share Posted February 15 9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Having back child support can get you in serious legal and financial trouble. Perhaps you could straighten this out first. This could be why your money is mysteriously disappearing and your cars are being repossessed. Check if there are court orders against you to garnish your assets and freeze your finances. I was suppose to pay this off with the 100k that went missing. She refused to let me see bank records. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 With respect, it's probably not a good idea to use your GF to launder money . Please check with the banks and courts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 You pull yourself out of this like we pull quickly on a band-aid. Block her from all of your personal finance, give her a deadline to move out or you move out. Concentrate on working, save money, call your garnishment agency and make a payment deal with them to pay your arrears asap and get up to date on that. Take 2 jobs if you have to. Put women and dating aside for a while until you got your life back on track. I know people who've got out of holes much deeper than this. You can fo it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 Are you living with her? I’m hearing you have no bank accounts. The money went to her accounts in her name only. Are you both still living together? How do you plan on finding a place or do you have your own place? Owing child support will show up as derogatory items/messages on your personal credit bureau along with amount x owing and for how long it’s been in arrears. Where’s the mother of your kids? Is there a coparenting schedule? Are your kids with you 100% of the time? Why do they call her mom? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 So she refused to let you see the bank records , but you "noticed" the 100K was gone? How can you notice it's gone if she won't show you the bank records? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 15 hours ago, Tre81NA said: I've been with my fiancee 8 years and just when I thought things where going well, I'm hit with another dose of betrayal. The first time she put a title loañ on my car without telling me and the car got repoed and I forgave her. The second time we both saved 100k in a joint account and when I got ready to spend money there was not even a dollar in the account. She gave no explanation and there was nothing to show for it and no track record of where the money went and I forgave her. This time we're saving for a car since our other two cars got repoed two days after I noticed the 100k was gone because she got title loans on them without my knowledge and didn't pay them back and I forgave her. This time after being without a car for six months and finally thinking we had saved 10k saved for a car because I didn't want to jump into a car payment, she tells me the money is gone and there's no track record of where it went. I know I was and am a fool for trusting and forgiving her the first time and second time but I really do love her. My kids were 6 months and 2 years old when we met and they call her mom. I know I failed them and it's hard for me to let her go when I know that would hurt them and I'm already hurt because of the lies and constant betrayal. Why is it so hard for me to leave? Mind you I pay all the bills. All she has to do is manage the money and it seems like she burned me enough times for me to not continue going through this but I guess I deserve it for my stupidity. I just need some advice on how to get out of this abusive relationship without going crazy? Well she's playing you for money so it's pretty clear staying isn't an option. It's complicated with the kids involved but for their sake also it's better this ends and ends immediately. I would look for alternative accommodation and legal advice first before you take the next step of leaving her behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 (edited) Get a lawyer. You may not have any legal standing with her embezzling money from your accounts but it's worth it to get a lawyer involved to sever this relationship without more financial loss or harassment. I can totally see her coming up with some abuse claim to get you into trouble. Quickly snap the rug out from under her with an eviction notice, and change the locks. Make sure all your accounts are closed. You will need to pay a visit to the bank under the advisement of a lawyer to make sure she can't pull anymore money out or issue herself credit cards under your name. Edited February 15 by smackie9 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 She stole 100K from you, to this day you still don't even know what she did with the money, and you took her back multiple times? That is just pure irresponsibility and stupidity. "But I love her" doesn't cut it when the situation is this bad, this woman is straight up scamming you and you are allowing it. 16 hours ago, Tre81NA said: I just need some advice on how to get out of this abusive relationship without going crazy? I don't know what this means. You kick her out (if you live together) and you end the relationship. Like ripping a band aid off. There is nothing to discuss here. Do not date again until you get into some serious therapy to work on your poor judgment and irresponsible decision making. You have young children, you need to be smarter than this and make better decisions, not let yourself get caught up with dysfunctional, abusive people. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 Being willing to put up with this level of financial abuse suggests you do indeed have an issue of some kind. People can fall in love with the wrong person - it actually happens all the time. But that doesn't mean they should stick around and suffer through whatever that person puts them through. People leave someone they love all the time too, for a wide variety of reasons. Something else to consider - do you love her, or is it possible you feel so insecure/uncomfortable being alone that you will essentially put up with anything to be in a relationship. To me it seems like that could be part of what's going on here. Either way, I agree with the suggestions above to talk to a therapist if you're not interested in seeing more of your money suddenly disappear. It's ok to be alone, particularly if that's a transition period out of a bad relationship to the next (and hopefully much more healthy) one. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 17 hours ago, Tre81NA said: I have back child support so I couldn't open an account in my name without them freezing the account. Well, unfortunately there are consequences for trying to wriggle out of your responsibility to your child. Honestly, I don't feel the slightest bit sorry for you. You just need to bite the bullet and do what you should have done yesterday - take back control of your finances, and if that means paying child support, then do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 Fool me once shame on you; fool my twice shame on me for trusting her. If you don't pay your child support this won't be an issue because you will go to jail & then she will leave you. You will leave her when you are ready. I suspect that will take you getting kicked in the wallet a few more time. This woman is a con artist & grifter. You are a being a patsy & an easy mark. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 (edited) It seems like you could use legal advice outside the scope of internet tips. It's difficult to understand why you knew 100k was missing,, blaming this GF for "hiding bank statements" ,etc. when you're the one with unclean hands trying to beat the system. You know you're in arears, your assets are frozen and your credit is most likely damaged. This is your doing, not hers. All she did was aid and abet you by laundering and hiding your money in her accounts, at your request. Edited February 15 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 20 hours ago, Tre81NA said: I just need some advice on how to get out of this abusive relationship without going crazy? I'll assume you work and earn a decent income if you're paying all of the bills and earning enough to save that much money, so whose idea was it to dodge paying child support? That's the first thing you need to sort out, go to the child support agency, explain your situation and they'll help you work out a manageable payment plan, and then you can open your own bank account. Don't bother lying to them, they're not stupid, and keep in mind that if you're voluntarily approaching them to sort it out that will be favourable for you, especially as it sounds like there's financial control and coercion going on - men can be victims of domestic violence too, and financial control comes under the umbrella of domestic violence. Depending on what country you're in, and the amount owed, evasion of child support obligations can bring a jail sentence, but taking voluntary remedial action will likely avoid that. Once you've addressed that problem your fiancee's leverage over you is gone. After you've established your own bank account and arranged for your wages to be deposited into it you need to sit your fiancee down and ask her for a reasonable explanation of where all the money went. If it was in a bank account there's a trail of transactions, and if she refuses to give you access to bank statements you need to calmly explain to her that you'll have to go to the police. At this point she'll probably laugh at you and bring up the child support issue, and then you can explain to her that you've undertaken to remedy that and your money will no longer be going into her bank account, and that the issue of her being an accessory to defrauding a government agency is now the big problem in your household, and that the fraud she committed when she took out a loan against your car is a separate crime. Tell her you want your share of the money back so that you can clear your child support debt. Do not, under any circumstances, warn her of what you're going to do beforehand. 21 hours ago, Tre81NA said: I really do love her Why? What is about a thieving POS who's stolen money from you multiple times that makes you love her? She's effectively blackmailing you, refusing to explain where the missing money went because she knows she's got you over a barrel as long as you continue dodging child support. Her actions show that she couldn't care less about you or your children, so you need to wake up and see her for what she actually is - a conniving parasite that you've been hosting for 8 years. She sounds like the sort that would take out a life insurance policy on you and your children and then get rid of you all in a tragic accident. 21 hours ago, Tre81NA said: My kids were 6 months and 2 years old when we met and they call her mom. I know I failed them and it's hard for me to let her go when I know that would hurt them She's not your kids mother, they already have a mother, it's the woman who gave birth to them and who you should have been paying support to. You're hurting them much more by allowing the thief to steal from your family, and by exposing them to the influence of the thief. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 (edited) On 2/14/2024 at 5:40 PM, Tre81NA said: All she has to do is manage the money Wow. She put a loan on your car and it was repossessed - but you forgave her and decided that it was a good idea to let this woman manage your finances? You thought it was a good idea to let this woman who has clearly been unbelievably irresponsible with your money manage the family finances? You put the stability of your family and your children in her hands when she had shown you such disrespect and been so irresponsible? Just WOW! My friend, you need to separate your finances immediately. Then you need to see a lawyer to protect yourself financially in preparation for the end of this relationship. If you have unpaid child support they will garnish your wages until that is paid. You can’t hide from this responsibility forever. And finally, you need to speak with a therapist and a financial counsellor to learn more about why you have made these decisions so that you never put yourself or your children in this position again. I don’t know about you, but I would be thinking that I worked way too hard for her to squander my money in this way. That would make me really angry. I would also be very angry about her lack of care for my children to put the financial stability of their family at risk - that’s not love, that selfish irresponsibility. I think you need to find your anger… Edited February 16 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
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