Let me just warn you!

[Brokeninallplaces]

I thought I'd come here to say it will never end well! It just won't. I write this as I sit in my car bawling my eyes out! This journey has made me crazy. I've contemplated suicide, I hate myself utterly, and I don't even ever remember the person I used to be.

I met my AP at work, a charming coworker. We were both married with children. He is an avid community member, a man of social class and value. Everyone loves him and the changes he's making for the community. He told me how beautiful I was, he spent special time with me, he played music in my office, he related songs to our "special connection." He hugged me like no other. He would even lift me up and hold me (and I'm not the smallest girl). He showed me his strength. He showed me the best of him. He told me I was special, he told me that his connection to me was stronger than the one he had with his wife. He called me twin as he felt like we had so much in common. Bottom line, in my whole entire life, I have never felt so beautiful, attractive, wanted, loved, and sexy. Oh, and the intimacy was hands down the best I have ever had. We spent wild times in my office, in the car, at hotels. It was hands down amazing. I honestly have never felt this in my life.

Sadly, he experienced a couple of tragedies in his life and just like that, he pulled the rug right out from under me. He ended it. Not only did he end it but he started ignoring me and not giving me much attention. He started aligning more with a mutual friend of ours who is a female, and while I know nothing was going on with them, it really hurt to know that I was no longer the special person in his eyes. I honestly couldn't take that, especially him not including me and making a real effort to distance himself. I was especially heartbroken because during the high times we both promised that we would go through this situation together, the good and the bad. We knew we were wrong, but felt like it was a good feeling. We agreed that we would always be friends and that we would never tell anyone, or our spouses and that we would always just have the friendship even if the sexual part ended. Him ignoring me showed me that he was not too faithful to the friendship.

Fast forward one month and a half. I am distraught. I want to check myself into the hospital or just disappear as the feeling of not having him is unbearable. We are no contact, I left the job, and I don't look at social media or anything. He reached out a couple of times in the beginning and said that I was being unreasonable for not wanting a friendship, yet he took no responsibility for showing me that he no longer was the friend he promised to be. He has since stopped trying. Again, I'm distraught for so many reasons. I'm living a life where I'm heartbroken over a man who clearly never even cared about me. I suffer in silence, I want most to just know that he cared as what he gave me when he gave it to me was the best feeling of the entire life of my world. Yet it was all a lie. I don't even know how to live with this feeling. I have a family and can't give them the full side of me due to my depression. I can't eat, sleep, think, or feel. I've made the effort to move on but it's killing me, and I wish I had never ended up here. I utterly hate myself. This journey has caused me to be so crazy; I find myself listening to tarot readers, I'm into the universe and manifestation, I pray to God. I don't know what I want or need. And I don't know how to heal myself. I don't know if I could ever bounce back or live a life that's worth living. I can no longer give my husband attention as the relationship with the AP was fueling my lackluster relationship with my husband. I will never tell him what's going on. I miss everything and I am so utterly distraught that I will never feel this again in my life. Never, he was the best. I feel my life is over. It's not worth it!

[Wiseman2]

Do you have children? How is your marriage. People in bad places make bad decisions. In this case an affair.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

This cheater you were with is a symptom, not the cause of your problems.

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.   But kindly, all the promises you made to each other weren't realistic.  Whether he'd been a single man or not, we all know that when relationships end (even loving ones), each party goes their own way.  I'm sure you've experienced this is previous breakups.  And in the case of this married man, as much as he was fond of you, he's realised that his wife is the one who needs all his attentions.  I'm sure that deep down, you understand how this works

I understand the pain and confusion, but you need to logic you way out of it.  

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Brokeninallplaces said:

I am so utterly distraught that I will never feel this again in my life. Never, he was the best.

Unfortunately, he was an illusion… 

If you haven’t found a counsellor yet, I would suggest that you find someone that you can talk with who can help you to - as basil said - “logic your way out of this.” 

I appreciate the heartbreak but rehashing the story of this great love affair that went wrong is not going to help you move forward. Unfortunately, while it felt really good in the moment this was a poor decision that was bound to bring nothing more than heartbreak for you…

Hugs. 

[Whaatamidoing]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, most of us on here have been where you are and it does get easier. You must take care of yourself, and even if this wasn't an affair, giving yourself over to someone who can make you feel that way is dangerous in my eyes. If you look deeper and believe me I have done some delving myself, there are so many things wrong with everything you have written. However heart broken you feel, no-one is worth feeling suicidal for, there are some deeper issues here that come back to your self esteem.

The feelings you are missing are not really real. Despite being in love with this person, he does not sound very nice from the outside looking in. I suggest you look up narcissism and the discard. You are vulnerable and this person has tapped into this. I'm no psychologist but if it quacks like a duck, it probably is.

I also wrote here years ago in desperation with tears in my eyes and I am out the other side. I want you to know that it is possible to survive this and be strong, remain no contact and smile again. 

Your husband may not give you the passion that the affair did but i think when the fog clears you might realise how safe it is to be loved by someone who is steady. The affair addiction is like the thrill of a rollercoaster.

The stars and tarots are not going to tell you anything that you don't already know.  

I really hope you are ok.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/13/2024 at 6:59 PM, Brokeninallplaces said:

He showed me the best of him.

He also showed you the very worst of him: liar and cheater. 

On 2/13/2024 at 6:59 PM, Brokeninallplaces said:

Yet it was all a lie.

I wouldn't say it was all a lie. He was obviously fond of you at one point, but it was also an unrealistic fantasy to expect this to go the distance or to remain friends after the sex stopped. That was never going to be possible. 

On 2/13/2024 at 6:59 PM, Brokeninallplaces said:

He started aligning more with a mutual friend of ours who is a female

While he might not be having another affair with her, it also should come as no shock that he's cozying up to someone else. This man seems way too smooth and rehearesed for yours to have been his first affair, and you will almost surely not be his last. It reads to me like he knows exactly what to say and do to get a woman to fall for him, and that generally only comes from practice and lots of it. 

On 2/13/2024 at 6:59 PM, Brokeninallplaces said:

I feel my life is over.

Please do reach out for professional help. You made some bad choices, yes, but you can also turn this around and set yourself on a better path for the future. Given the level of your distress, I do not suggest you attempt to do this on your own.

[mark clemson]

What we get from the universe isn't always what's actually best for us. Consider a drug addict that might "manifest" a new dealer when their old one disappears. I think sometimes what we "manifest" (if you wish to call it that) can put us through a gauntlet that we either grow from or that "breaks us" more. If you don't move forward the necessary amount, you will "regress" a roughly equivalent measure. A harsh learning experience perhaps, but consider that, in this world at least, we're all ultimately temporary creations.

You flew high and fell hard. The magic carpet you were flying on got pulled out from under you. Sometimes the key is to remain grounded. Reject thoughts of suicide and recognize that this series of events has wreaked some havoc on key parts of your brain that deal with reward and distress systems. To put it another way, you were on a dopamine high during the affair and now that it has ended you are on a dopamine "crash". (Mundane) brain chemistry is part and parcel of our experience of the world and has everything to do with how you feel now.

My thought would be to return to ground. Accept and process the "negative feelings" and accept a return to simplicity and a life without this person. You were "ok" before them, so in a way nothing has changed, except that you've gone through an experience. There's much to be loved in "ordinary life".

I do agree with advice above that you would likely benefit from a licensed therapist to help with your emotional processing of what's transpired.

Edited February 15 by mark clemson