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It's all my fault and I feel hopeless


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PandaPanda

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years now. We video call nearly everyday. We were happy, we talk about our future together, how he will move to my country so we can be together. We were working towards his visa and everything. 

 

During our relationship we have fights here and there. Sometimes during the fights he push me so much that I would bring up break up with him because I was so hurt and feel so sad. But because of that he said I made him lost feelings for me. One day he bring up break up and said he doesn’t love me anymore and that I have caused his feelings to disappear, I’m the reason we breaking up. 

 

He said he have told me never to bring up break up but I don’t listen and always do it when we fight. I told him I also said don’t push me so much when we fight and I wouldn’t feel the need to bring up break up. I said I know I’m in the wrong for brining up break up and I regret it. Let fix our relationship, I don’t want to give up like this. 

 

he said I can can try and fix the relationship and make him feel again but he won’t be doing much apart from giving me the time. Since it’s my fault I need to do most of the work. I was fine with that because I really regret it, I told him I will never do it again. It’s been 3 months since we broke up now. The first 2 months was horrible, he was very distance and mean to me, always get mad easily and always bring up how I caused him to change and cause him to stop loving me. 

 

the last month things have gotten better, we start to talk more again and spend more time with each other, I feel like we are back to how we were. Only yesterday when I ask him if he want to get back together that he said he doesn’t want to. He said he still feel no love for me. I told him I never expect us to end like this and he said we wouldn’t if only I could stop saying those words back then. I tried to reason with him but he doesn’t seem to accept any reason I had. 

 

I really don’t understand how can he just forget everything we been through. How happy we were together, why can’t he forgive and forget the fights we had. It hurt me so much to know I’m that one that caused my relationship to end.

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Alpacalia

He hasn't just forgotten everything you've been through together. What's likely happening is that he is still hurt and angry about the fights and break up. It takes time to heal from these types of wounds, and he may not be ready to fully forgive and move on yet.

I don't know if you realize but each time you break up with someone you're killing a little bit of their love for you and slowly pushing them away and they lose trust in you as a partner. You said that you have accepted responsibility for breaking up during fights, and that is a great step. Actions speak louder than words. You can say you won't do it again, but he needs to see that you mean it through your actions.

Having said that, if you felt he was backing you into a corner then you should stand your ground and tell him that you don't appreciate being pushed to the point of wanting to end the relationship. If it's that bad that you're wanting to break up then what are you still holding onto?

Edited by Alpacalia
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d0nnivain

This was untenable from the start because you were in different countries.  You have poor conflict resolutions skills & you default to break up when there are disagreements.  Your EX is right.  That behavior damaged the relationship & has now undermined the foundation so much the relationship ended.  He does remember everything you have been through together, except for him the dominant theme is stress, frustration & incompatibility.   

You gave this a shot but it didn't work.  Let it go  Take time to heal & then date somebody local.  If the person is right there you will obtain the reassurance you need by their presence & things won't be as stressful & tumultuous.   It will be easier to smoothe over the rough patches when you can hug it out instead of relying on video.  

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stillafool
3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

This was untenable from the start because you were in different countries.  You have poor conflict resolutions skills & you default to break up when there are disagreements.  Your EX is right.  That behavior damaged the relationship & has now undermined the foundation so much the relationship ended.  He does remember everything you have been through together, except for him the dominant theme is stress, frustration & incompatibility.   

You gave this a shot but it didn't work.  Let it go  Take time to heal & then date somebody local.  If the person is right there you will obtain the reassurance you need by their presence & things won't be as stressful & tumultuous.   It will be easier to smoothe over the rough patches when you can hug it out instead of relying on video.  

I completely agree with this post.  It's over.  It's best to learn from this experience and never do this again in future relationships that you value.

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Words are powerful and can be destructive, always chose your words wisely. If you don't mean to breakup then don't ever bring up those words.

It's too late now, you have used destructive words too many times and it killed the love and the trust.

Time to let him go. You need to move on and date someone local. You've learn a great life lesson here, we always remember the life lessons we've learn the hard way.

Breakups are hard but you'll be fine. You need to cut contact with him.

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23 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

How happy we were together, why can’t he forgive and forget the fights we had.

Because for him, the fights we so bad and so frequent that he lost the love and happiness which he used to have with you.  

You said that he used to "push you" and this is why you'd threaten a breakup.  Now, it's NEVER acceptable to threaten a breakup, but what were the actual fights about?  Perhaps talking it over with us can help you see the relationship more clearly.

 

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PandaPanda

We haven’t met in person but planned to meet. We both bought tickets and were going to meet up end of this month. 
 

I know what I did was wrong and I regret it so much. I care so much for him but it just during the fight it’s like he know how to push my button. I wish I can fix this relationship, I feel like I ruin my own relationship, causing myself to be unhappy and lost someone I care for. 
 

it just when we fight he would say stuff that upset me and when I tell him to stop and that I’m really upset and crying, he wouldn’t stop. He told me this is the only way for me to learn and not make the same mistake. When he forget about our date night he wouldn’t apologise he just say to remind him there no big deal. It made me feel like he doesn’t care anymore. 
 

I know there nothing I can do now, he already made up his mind and no matter what I say won’t change it. I’m really hurt though, part of it because it’s all my fault this happened. The future we both envision is gone because of me.

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stillafool
16 minutes ago, PandaPanda said:

When he forget about our date night he wouldn’t apologise he just say to remind him there no big deal. It made me feel like he doesn’t care anymore. 

Is this what the fight was about that led to you breaking up with him?

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PandaPanda

It’s started it, then he said he doesn’t want to talk to me and we didn’t talk for 3 hours and during that time I could see he was playing online game with his friend so I msg and said I can see he doesn’t even care that I’m upset right now, he can just continue playing with his friend then, like is don’t exist. Then he would say he will, which made me more mad and said if you don’t care about me anymore then we can just break up. 

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d0nnivain
5 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

We haven’t met in person but planned to meet. We both bought tickets and were going to meet up end of this month. 

Given the timing, I have to wonder if he intentionally dumped you now because he never had any intention of meeting you

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9 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

It’s started it, then he said he doesn’t want to talk to me and we didn’t talk for 3 hours and during that time I could see he was playing online game with his friend so I msg and said I can see he doesn’t even care that I’m upset right now, he can just continue playing with his friend then, like is don’t exist. Then he would say he will, which made me more mad and said if you don’t care about me anymore then we can just break up. 

So the two of you had a fight and you got upset and he needed time away to cool off.  This is perfectly reasonable on his part, and he shouldn't have to be the one to calm you down.  Use that break and go do something else while you process the problem.

Your behaviour here is completely out of line.  If this is something you make a habit of - followed by a break up if you don't get your way - then the relationship simply isn't sustainable and needs to end.  He's done the right thing.

Let this guy go.  And in the meantime, perhaps do some counselling as to what is reasonable/not reasonable in a relationship and how to productively communicate those issues.  

Edited by basil67
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