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Chase or no contact with a fearful avoidant?


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Introvert2

This girl and I have been together for over a year. We have separated three times. The first time for a day, the second for three weeks, then the third time I left on my own and came back for a weekend but she was cold towards me so I left again. 

This girl is bad to bottle things up and pretend nothing bothers her until she explodes and then immediately wants to break up. This time it triggered here where I left but she’s bringing up things from months ago. She is accusing me of wanting my ex wife, who I do not want. 

She’s always speculated my ex and I still want each other but that’s the farthest from the truth. My ex did get a little jealous when she came into the picture and I ignored it rather than really addressed it because I figured it would blow over. 

She’s telling me there’s no coming back this time and not attempting to contact me on her own unless I contact her first and then rarely answers. She still talks to my family daily though and sometimes brings me up. The more I try the meaner she gets it seems and I’m wondering if NC would make her think that I never cared to begin with or maybe give her time to cool off and she will then be ready to talk. 

She’s always came around eventually in the past but she seems even madder this time and told me she’s tired of the back and forth. 

I think my ex buying a house also triggered her because now she’s trying to work two jobs and save up to buy a new house. I kept telling her I wanted us to do that together and she tells me to focus on me and says “you weren’t happy” even though the truth is I had never been happier… 

What should I do? 

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If the two of you have broken up three times in a year, then she's absolutely correct that you should not be buying a house together.     You say that you have never been happier, but this is not what a happy relationship looks like.

What should you do?  End the relationship.

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Introvert2
2 hours ago, basil67 said:

If the two of you have broken up three times in a year, then she's absolutely correct that you should not be buying a house together.     You say that you have never been happier, but this is not what a happy relationship looks like.

What should you do?  End the relationship.

She doesn’t communicate. She just pretends everything is okay and when I try to convince her to talk to me when something is bothering her she just pretends nothing is and then a few weeks later tells me she’s done. Then after a few weeks she acts like nothing ever happened. 

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Alpacalia

Are you truly happy with this girl and the constant back and forth? Are you willing to continue putting up with the explosive outbursts and accusations? The break up and make up is because neither of you are addressing the underlying issues and are just sweeping things under the rug until they all come crashing down.

Neither of you are compatible on your approach to feelings/emotions and communication styles.

Edited by Alpacalia
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2 hours ago, Introvert2 said:

She doesn’t communicate. She just pretends everything is okay and when I try to convince her to talk to me when something is bothering her she just pretends nothing is and then a few weeks later tells me she’s done. Then after a few weeks she acts like nothing ever happened. 

And this is further evidence that you should not be with her.   It's not a good relationship for you

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Sorry this is happening. On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

Sadly your relationship is volatile, unstable and toxic. Please set both yourselves free. 

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d0nnivain
16 hours ago, Introvert2 said:

What should I do? 

You should be done, once & for all. 

Don't use NC to try to lure her back to you.  NC is not about the other person.  It's about you.  It's a technique to help you maintain your dignity & not debase yourself chasing after somebody who doesn't want you. 

You two are dysfunctional together.  3 breaks up in 1 year is over the top.  It's a clear sign this isn't working.  Let it go already.  Once you definitively break up with her make sure your family knows so they cut ties too.  

You can't buy a house with this woman.  Don't even try.  

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Oldenuff2know

You mention that she is fearful avoidant. Unless she addresses that, any attempt at a relationship with her will continually fail. I know from experience because I am working through having the same attachment style and I am trying not to destroy a new relationship with a man who is kind to me and treats me better than anyone has ever treated me. It is scary as heck and I find myself full of anxiety at the prospect of letting him in, letting him get closer to me, and trusting him. I've been very open and up front, letting him know I am a work in progress and I spend a good amount of time researching and working on my issue and he has been very encouraging and patient with me. Is she willing to put in the work necessary? If not, it is better for you to cut and run.

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NuevoYorko

Can you simply experience this person as the human being that they are?  Decide whether the way things are going is positive for you, whether you are compatible, your values and goals align, etc - and just forget about assigning her a label / diagnosis?   

I've been around these forums for a long time and the amount of pop psychology terms that have overtaken everyone and then receded, only to be supplanted with new ways to pigeonhole people, has been impressive.  I don't think it's particularly valuable.

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So you went through a divorce and the whole drama of a relationship not working out and after you're passed all that you pick to date a woman with *drama* for middle name. Really.

My advise is: do not date fearful avoidant. 

Edited by Gaeta
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ShyViolet

If you've been with her a little over a year, and you have already broken up three times and have this many problems, then the relationship is obviously not working.  She has now told you that the relationship is over for good.  I'm not sure what your question is.  There is nothing left to do here but accept that.  Stop labeling her as "fearful avoidant".  That is not helpful in any way.  She is not "fearful avoidant", she is a woman who isn't compatible for a relationship with you and has told you that she's done with the relationship.  Face reality and accept that.  It's not your job to diagnose her or analyze her with these BS psuedo-psychological labels.  After having broken up three times in a year, if you still honestly think it would be a good idea to chase her and try to buy a house together with her, then you have really poor judgment.  You don't ever buy a house with someone unless the relationship is completely solid, not volatile and on/off like this.

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